Day more dreadful than lugubrious darkness

you have a sister, there are no brothers

i would offer you a drink but i haven't got any ice

I dont feel like updating about the last two weeks. All I will say is that I left my job and have spent about two weeks resting and getting over a year and a half of being bullied, sabotaged and conspired against at work, and two weeks did the trick. I may not have a job, but I took the quick mile and decided that I would like to retain some dignity and self respect than endure a place where I am humiliated by staff who smile falsley to my face and lie and deceive about my work standards behind my back. I don't want to work with people, in particular one person who will go to any length to claim my position, and another sick individual who stands beside, fuelling the rumour mill to keep the shit freshly stirred. Not at all.

So I am going to write about me now and me in the future.

As for work, I will after the weekend start looking for something easy and part time. I am hoping to start receiving carer's allowance for looking after Steve. My actual help is required more now as Steve is finding it harder to do things. This in turn has forced me to reassess my priorities and dedication to the responsibilty, and by the way things went the last weekend at Pussy Palace, I want to spend as much time at Steve's as possible, I am going to go with the flow and be where I can see him. My presence is needed as much as possible now, at every free moment. There will be times where I will leave him for the night to drink red wine in my room at Pussy Palace, and prance around to music infront of my mirror, but otherwise I am here. I am looking for a small single floor bed, something on a tatami mat, Japanese, to have in the room with him so I don't have to share anymore and so I can sort my back out. I hate sleeping on beds, and more so I hate sharing beds, with anyone. Even boyfriends. I have a mental list in order of discomfort, of friends I have shared beds with. Greg is pretty difficult. Steve is not so bad, I have my side - he has his.

I have just started a fashion/fashion photography blog, a place where I can show case my photos and talk about what I think fashion and style is and how I live within it, how it is a productive and positive influence in my life, how it can free from being shallow and conceited and how personalities and intelligence can be applied to how we dress every day. Instead of typical fashion blog pictures which literally show 'what I wore today' I want to feature the looks and styles through editorial style photos, creatively, sometimes on other people, in unusual settings with obscure stories behind the set-up. I really want to start posting, I'm pretty much set up, the domain works and everything is ready, all I need to do is look into copywrite, and creating a logo and a heading, a real look for it, but it's early days and those things are left to be considered further down the line when I hopefully start to make a name for myself and have substantial material to exhibit. However I can't really do much as my camera is still in repair, and I am a little intimidated on where to start and how much work it seems will have to go into some of these photos, but I suppose I've got to start somewhere and have to be open minded about how things turn out from the beginning. You can only but improve with stuff like this.

I have deleted ALL profiles, including Facebook. No way do I want to find or start anything romantic with a man in or from Birmingham. The accent cuts through me anyway, and I eventually want to immigrate anyway. I have however created an OKCupid profile for the opportunity to have a pen friend style friendship abroad with the hopeful prospect one day of meeting people on travels. I often fantasise about who I might end up with and want to be 100% open to meeting someone by the end of the year. One thing I learnt is how valuable taking time is with these things. We can't fully love, or trust, or be our true selves with someone unless we have taken as much time as possible getting to know this person, often in circumstances that aren't comfortable or typical. But I do like to day dream and often think that the guy I will meet that will grab my attention for good will not be English. He will be American or German or Spanish or French, and will understand me on a level that I feel no English person can, because of the damaged social structure we live in here. I feel I am often scrutinised and summed up straight away, no one is free for a chance, or to experiment personally with. We are all up for judgement here.

Deleting Facebook is a good idea though, being on there did nothing for me. I was constantly harrassed by an ex with mutiple profiles, and I was sick of the fact I was associated with some people on my friends list. I don't miss it and shan't create a new one. If I meet people on the way in my life, I will keep in touch with them like a normal person: by phone or by email. Or I might just write a normal letter to them using one of those things, what's it now... a pen. Or I might just visit them. Seeing people is much better than being friends with a picture of your friend.

I don't have a lot more to say really apart from that my time will be consumed with job searching and business building. I will allow my creative juices to flow freely and all over the place. While I'm being disciplined, I may as well review my diet and my lifestyle and start using some free time to being healthy, and change my body. I need a haircut, I saw an interesting looking barbers in the arcade in town, where the tobacconist and pen shop is. May give it a try, see what happens.

u so crazy

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||| 18% Schizoid |||||||||| 38% Schizotypal |||||||||| 38% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 58% Borderline |||||| 22% Histrionic |||| 14% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||| 14% Dependent || 10% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 22%

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