Paris' birthday card from Me and Steve
When I last posted, a week ago, I addressed the problem of my mother being in hospital and was really just reassuring myself instead of updating an invisible audience. If there is anyone reading on a regular basis who may of struck up a fictional yet genuine concern for the well being of my mother, I can safely inform you that apart from another scare in the week which acted as a blessing in disguise, my mum is now much better. I spoke with her on the phone however and discussed that soon, we will assess our lifestyles together, and I will eventually clean myself up from my 'addictions'.On the Sunday last weekend Daisy came over and she took some photos. I hadn't slept for 48 hours, and experienced an almost nervous panic before she arrived, leading me into thinking that I had to address some severe drug problem, like a heroin addict meeting up with their parents for the day, hiding their dirty addiction, Daisy being that higher being, an authorative mom figure arriving with a black bag of high-tech professional photographic equipment.
I cannot believe how great Daisy's photographs were, and it really hit home how I not only miss my Leica, but want a new camera and computer myself. It also reminded me how inexperienced I actually am with photography, especially the technical side, yet I am reassured with the knowledge that I am asking all the right questions. Daisy is the perfect person to ask said questions and to discuss this, along with other subjects, and has always an opinion I consider highly. Naturally I consider a lot of opinions, and like to hear about what everyone thinks, the difference with Daisy's is that her opinions are often based on fact and I can count hers to be reliable.
These are by Daisy. Mum would probably like the first one, but not the second
The photo's she has taken are for my new fashion blog I started recently. She won't be taking the photos permanently, this was just a very kind gesture and I was so psyched to be able to post something finally after waiting so long, with excellent quality photos that I love. I intend to take a lot of the photos myself, though I want to work with other people, maybe encourage some friends to take up photography as a hobby, and who knows, maybe someone might discover a hidden talent. In the same way, I want to take photos of other people for the blog in the future, getting good looking friends to model for me to show my photo skills and visual on style. For now I am enjoying a slow, basic and simple start, addressing the bare bones of how I think on how to dress. I think there is a real theory behind it all and want to explore that, and prove that fashion is more than a shallow fancy or a multi billion industry, that it can be something intelligently creative and life effecting.
In a hiding place
The blog is called Fashion Retribution - almost like a pay back to all the terribly dressed people I have had inflicted onto me, the hundreds of fashion blogs for men pushing the same bollocks, and this is like a punishment, what I am doing, what I am showing, for people like that. Its not that I need the punishment myself, or even that I am doleing it out, though I've had my fair share of disillusions, but maybe someone might read it and think afterwards that they don't need to wear a fucking dickie bow or go without socks with their shoes to look 'good' in, say, the street, or a nightclub.
At the Burning and Birthday party
Apart from patiently and methodically writing that I have spent the week turning the living room of Steve's flat into my little 'bedsit', with stuff everywhere, watching '3rd Rock From the Sun' and getting fashion inspirations from all sorts of different places. I soon turned the room back into it's original state again as on the spectrum of cleanliness, organization and being tidy, Steve and I are polar opposites, and what's normal to him is obsessive compulsive to me. But I do appreciate the tidy more now that it's done... last night he got to sit in the living room for what seemed like the first time all week and we watched 'Falling Down' and Simpsons movie. 'Falling Down' is one of the best films I think of all time, and is probably Michael Douglas' best performance, but that's just my opinion. I'm not a massive fan of him, in fact, right now I can't think of anything else he's in off the top of my head, but I am a bit stoned. Which is good because I need to lower the stress levels. Finishing the week off with a film where the main antagonist is the archetypal white angry male on a spree of violence across Los Angeles in the early 90s really was the approriate touch to end on. And what I learned from Marge in the Simpsons movie about anger is that like a woman, I can potentially just hold on to it.
"Now you're gonna die, wearing that silly little hat. How does it feel?"
Though this has nothing to do with Steve. I get cabin feverish, who wouldn't? It's natural to go a bit crazy sometimes, and cannabis does help to chill me out and really open up my brain. There's so much in there, I need to dispose of it somehow. Steve is never a burden to me, but an inspiration, and I feel his influences have really opened up my intelligence and maturity as I feel I have been taught of the enthusiasm and the pleasure of all history, architecture, design, interiors, nature, flowers, and has as a result influenced me on a fashion level, creating a raw and organic reference of inspiration to how I am currently dressing. I have nothing but thanks and appreciation, because now I appreciate things on a deeper level and from a historical point of view. He's really been a very stylish influence to have.
a silly hat
He has recently started having headaches which have been caused by cancer travelling from it's main mother ship and killing off the other areas of the body, and I learnt it can travel up the spinal cord and effect the brain, so Steve has these occasional blindingly excrutiating headaches and needs me to help him everywhere. I've encouraged him to not stop using and exercising his brain, and through periods of release with smoking weed, I get him to write. He's writing his own blog, and we wrote some funny poetry. He used to have a bell to ring when he needed me, but we replaced it with a plush cuddly toy bird, a blue-tit, that tweets loudly when you squeeze it. It was a present from Evil Lizzy.
I was interupted last night though not by the bell or tit, but by my phone ringing excessively. I hate to admit it but where a lot of my anger was triggered this week was from people in contact with me on my phone, and I'm letting it get to me because I feel the more I ignore people despite the situations im facing, the more likely they are going to insult me and leave me. Though its not abandonement I am worried for, it's the harsh words and the guilt I would feel. I sometimes get so annoyed with certain friends, mainly the ones who aren't that close and who I never see that often anymore and who never listen and don't understand and think that I can just drop everything to get drunk and listen to them repeat themselves on something trivial like being ugly or having boyfriend problems... people who's main conversation topic is their relationship or lack of and therefore life mission to obtain one... I think it's rude that I sit there over coffee and listen to all the dates and bollocks you line up for yourself and have the manners to remember the mundanity you ooze out because hey, isnt that the fucking point?-but for you to completely forget that my time is entirely consumed looking after a friend who is terminally ill and that in fact it's a simple thing to fucking remember, and then to insult me to ask me if I have 'a new man', really makes me wonder.
Bethan ringing me was comical though, because I didn't answer, but I had forgotten that I had changed my phone ring to this spooky alien ghost jingle and it went off right next to my head while I was just gaining access to that deep sleepy dreamy land. It scared the shit out of me.
Anyway apart from all that, I have been listening to a lot of music, looking for new stuff but ended up listening to songs from the list I made 6 months ago that summed up the songs of last year. I was in the kitchen and that song 'somebody i used to know' came on. If it wasn't for my ex, i'd never listen to it like I did the whole way through. I don't even like it: it's the typical Urban Outfitters love tripe, it's like a 'broken heart' wrapped in a plaid Hollister shirt under an Ikea bed next to a copy of Nylon Guys. But it got me thinking because it reminded me of my ex so bad before, it would send me into a panic but I didn't feel anything, and I thought that was good going. But then I realised it was 2 years ago, not 1 year, like I initially thought in my stoned haze there in the kitchen, that I was with someone properly and all that shit began. Time really has gone by two quick yet there is actually such a lot of change to show for it.
I started thinking about how I now feel about relationships and because of what I specifically went through, not that it was any more dramatic or pathetic as anyone else's, I was offered the opportunity, maybe subconciously to change my attitude towards that supposedly big part of an adult human's life in a way that was acceptable yet completely different. You could argue that now I may have become bitter, but I don't spit at other people's relationships if they are good. If they are bad I don't acknowledge it to myself either in that way, I don't need reassurance or even status alone to being single, but I realise how much better from looking at other people's bad relationships that it is to not be involved at all if there is at least one fatal flaw in the connection. I just wish I had realised whatever it is I realised 10 years ago. If I had, ironically I'd probably be with someone but be completely unaware that it is supposed to be a specific feature of my life.
I feel now there is a bigger life out there for me, and as much as I love playing home owner here at Steve's, deep down I am anxious to meet people and experience things and do things and go places, rather than for the reason to meet people to be known, but to learn more about anything. That way a life connection to a guy will present itself to me, and unknowingly I will start something that would last forever, without even realising it.
Another by Daisy. How do you reference other people's work? with a link or something?
