what is love (1)

 

my baby

Recreation Room Pussy Club

I've decided to create my room into a 'recreation room' paradise for me and Stinko:

TV = check
Mood lighting = check (sort of). A lava lamp or similar wouldn't go amiss however.

Things I need:

Bean Bag for me, Bean Bag for Scratchy/Stinky
Mini Fridge
Kettle
To be hooked up to all TV features that are available in the living room
Small Cat toilet for Stink
Selection of toys for Stinky to bat about in a playful manner
Assortment of treats and snacks for myself and pussy

It will be nice to have lazy, rainy weekend days, sitting on the beanbag with Fleabag, watching mindless TV or Twin Peaks or whatever, warm and safe, in the glow of my own safe suburban home. Now to me that is paradise.

The Search for 'Stinky'

Yesterday I adopted a cat, called Scamp. I'm not fond on the name, but Scampi sounds better. Nicknames can include Stinky, Stinko and Pongo. 

He's about 1 year old. Which means for me I will hopefully have him for a long long time, so a long life time best friend.

He is very affectionate. When he's warmed more to us, I feel he'll be on par with Teddy on the Love Level. Lappy and Purry.

We rescued him from Team Cat Rescue. The ladies Lynne and Sheila were very cool and nice. Sheila said I should volunteer, as I have cat whispering qualities. I will do it, after Scampi has properly settled. I wanted to volunteer with cats. And blind people. And blind cats.

Well, it's time for me to nap. My dreams have been unusual and disturbing lately. Last night, in my dream, my right artery had somehow had been severed. I didn't realise for ages, but when I looked down, my clothing had absorbed a huge amount of blood, and it was profusely bleeding. All I was worried about was that people would assume I'd injected myself. Let's hope to better more logical dreams.

Life imitates Art

I have nothing to say at this present moment in time. 

I am exhausted and stupid.

I am licking wounds and learning lessons.

I saw my Granny today, it was lovely.

I know where happiness is. 

I know where it isn't.

Love.

Daily Nightly

I just finished the tedious task of sorting through all my photos on my laptop, and I've realised 2 things: I need to stop shooting loads of the same thing just because I'm bored and when I do shoot loads and upload pictures, to sort them straight away. I deleted about 3500 photos of just complete shit.

But here are some nice features I found on the way:

More Boys (Addicted), Birmingham, 2013

Phil, Birmingham, 2013

The only girl, Birmingham, 2013

Tim smoking by window, Birmingham, 2013

Bedroom, Birmingham, 2013

The Men of the House, Birmingham, 2013

Parlour Games, Birmingham, 2013

Watercolour, writing, unaffected

Reading back over the years really made me cringe, so I've made the whiny and melodramatic posts back to draft mode. Can't believe people used to say I was a good writer. It was so awful and depressing. At least I know I'm a lot happier now, and that I don't ever want to have a relationship!

Since my parents have gone I've turned the downstairs into an art studio. I found myself taking time with mixing colours and using different consistencies to get different effects with water colour. I also found myself not following any method or having any idea of what exactly I wanted to create, just to let feeling flow through me. I'd like to try on a bigger scale and include words and layered meanings. I sometimes thing the sunflower might be too difficult or won't look as good as I am imagining; perhaps not having a plan is the best way to me.

I've started on the treatment of 'The House if 1000 Bongs'. It really is quite a good start as all sorts of things are coming back to me.

I shine light in

There was a little drawing of a heart, next to that followed by an exclamation mark. The back of his was covered in stuff, stuff like Brandon is not a very nice guy but Alex is sooo nice, and that had the exclamation thing too. It was just silly crap, but it hit the spot... and he let himself be drawn in.

the plot thickens for seemingly no reason

I am half way through celebrating 'recovery week'. Recovery week is the first week of the rest of my life and it is a healing week where I celebrate who I am, reminisce on fond memories and admire the beauty that is life, realising the symbolism in this special time of year. Next week is 'detox week', where I intend to cleanse my body from toxins and think about diet and exercise, but this week I've treated myself to help heal my soul.

I went out drinking and dancing last night at the Church Tavern, a working class bohemian style funny farm type of place on Erdington highstreet. Other highlights of the highstreet are the church and the market. It's a shit hole but I like it. I ended up being the most popular person there, causing a stir and even scoring some zuul. At home, we drank red wine and smoked. This morning I woke up feeling focused, and not at all hung over. I took advantage of this opporutnity by smoking a joint and going on an autumny walk, admiring the colours of all the trees and going back to where I grew up. I also had McDonalds.

The whole time I was thinking so much about how great everything is now and how lucky I am to be able to finally do what I want. I thought that the positive lessons I have learnt after breaking up are stand tall with good posture, don't talk too much, and always be as nice as you know how to be.

I'd write more but I am falling asleep. The one thing that is important is all the sleep I need to catch up on. So I leave with a photo from my journey this morning:

it's my point of view, coming up behind you

I feel compelled to write an entry after a drunken night where my now ex boyfriend asked to see a picture of Cameron (my younger, handsome yet equally neurotic ex boyfriend circa 2011) which meant coming back here. I admire the longevity of this blog, and thought, despite all the other ideas I have had since, I should still when possible write in Master Bracknell.

This year I had one of the most difficult relationhips ever. 6 months in and I've finally broke free. It was a testing experience, full of hurt feelings and self doubt. My summer poisoned, and I even had to start taking tablets and seek professional mental help. I have however gained a new life perspective as a result, as the whole thing has made me confront some serious issues regarding my attitude to my life and now I am as sure as I've ever been about it all.

Last night was the end, and no ending is pleasant. I am lucky enough to have a good friend to confide in when I drunkenly left his last night, but had to go to the blessing of the graves today for my grandad who died in January. I am an athiest, so being in church feeling like shit felt more culty than ever. I remember grandad in my own way, but that still didn't make me not feel bad for not wanting to be there. Why we have to have religion in the first places fucks me off, but to drag out this year in 'memory' of my grandad when my mother and aunt are clearly not coping with this doesn't really help. It's like the funeral is on repeat. It's ridiculous, and prayer doesn't help or save anything, and I feel like a weirdo when I'm around them all.

While I was standing in church, hoping I wouldn't spontaneously combust, I couldn't help thinking about all the things I can do now that I am single. I don't have to take any more criticism or shit, dye my hair, and go for food with people who think I'm a useless snob. No more feeling inadequate or dirty or crackers or riddled. No more snapping at and telling me off. No more unfair compromises and stupid social media obsessions. I can now move to London, talk to who I want, go where I want. I can shave my pubic hair. And I can stop apologising for being myself. I'll never let this happen ever again.

And you know what? I actually don't ever want a boyfriend. If all relationships are like this (and I'm surrounded by horrendous ones everywhere), then I'd rather do myself a favour and fuck it right off.

A million girls would kill for that job

I'm really looking forward to getting a new and exciting job. I'm considering cabin crew again. I'm also looking at bar jobs and restaurants. I've been spending a lot of time with Colin and it would be ideal to get a job in edgbaston.

Not a lot has happened , not a lot can happen where I am. I was talking to mark today about fashion and where our style has gone. I believe that I've lost my touch but it was inevitable with the circumstances I've found myself in. So maybe I could put a fashion touch onto this blog. Is still write about other things but maybe explore fashion more. There is a blog called fashion pearls of wisdom. It's a good example.

Retrospecticus

After I 'closed' this blog down 2 years ago, there has been an empty space in my life (no, really). I made many attempts at new blogs but they were shit. So I've come home, to familiar territory.

Reading back on the last 3 years, I've got to admit, a lot of it is very cringeworthy. The amount of detail I go into about complete bollocks astounds me. I was also a whiny single person. In fact, I was really hung up about not having a boyfriend. And not to mention the racy pictures I brazenly used to post. I can't believe now that I did. Who knows, I might do it again. But I'm fat now so I will need to go on a diet first. 

However, it's great reading. How much I have changed. Even my writing style is different. It's lost a bit of its pretensions. 

So what have I been doing in the last 3 years? I will write a list. Remember I love lists:

Got a job at Harvey Nichols 

Hated job at Harvey Nichols

Moved into a flat in jewellery quarter 

Moved out because there was a furnace under the floor and I was always too hot

Took many drugs

Bought many nice clothes 

Moved back home 

Went on anti depressants 

Bought a £700 camera 

This year especially has been difficult for me. I'm a lot better than I was and one of the reasons why I really wanted to get back into writing a blog was because I think it helps me keep things sane in my head. The good things about this year were meeting new people. The bad things I guess were letting drugs get the better of me. And leaving my job because of anxiety. I had a nervous breakdown. I'm ok now. 

I'm healthier, closer to new friends, and have a simplified approach to life. And I don't shop anymore. Fashion is a tracksuit I spilt my breakfast down. 

Before I go, I still take photos and my Leica is still my favourite but I bought a Nikon 500 this year and have been doing professional style photos. At some point I will post some, or get a separate page or section for them. I'm trying to build up a portfolio. So wish me luck. 

If I was a boy at sea I would be swinging from a broken tree

Christmas is over! I was supposed to go out last night, which would mean that I'd be still awake now, but the odds were against me in a way that I was secretly glad. Hayley has to work early, Fiona never got in touch, Bethan was at Arrans and to top it off, I'd just worked nearly 10 hours straight on the first day of the Boxing Day sale. However, I think I've developed some kind of gum, tooth or mouth infection, and the ulcer on my tongue has made it nearly impossible to enjoy anything festive, such as Christmas dinner, all my sweets and the buffet in the staff room yesterday. I have consumed soup, yoghurt and water, like some kind of diet fanatic. I didn't expect anything more, this is what Christmas is to me.

But it's got me thinking (that and a drunken over enthusiastic conversation with Hayley on Christmas Eve) about the qualities I hope to have next year. I enthused that each night after work should be dedicated to something that will make our lives, our home, our health and our future a better thing. It's also about spending time with people and doing things. When I thought about it, and maybe this is cos I feel a bit ill, but when I thought about it, going out all night on Boxing Day didn't have that twinkly tinselly ravey appeal it used to when I was 21. As Ming put it yesterday: "you are old".

Anyway, I wrote a list, which sort of correlates with the evening plans I told Hayley about, and so, I present to you:

2014 is...

Being Fit
Finally, the benefits of being fit have convinced me against the benefits of drug abuse. Oh, wait... Ideally I want to go swimming, maybe for an hour every other night, as it's the only sport and exercise I think I can benefit from. There are other things too, like ballet work outs and whatever, you can get loads of exercise videos on YouTube. My arms and my chest are areas that I want to change.

Being Healthy
After the poor health I experienced in 2013, there is no way I would ever jeopardise myself again. But I want to eat healthy and practice healthy habit from now on too. One night a week I want to cook a healthy and wholesome meal for everyone, and get more involved with my diet and food preparation, as I am more likely to eat healthier if I make it myself. And to eat MORE. 

Learning Self Defence
Too many times I've been attacked, intimidated and scared in the streets. And something to do outside of work, a skill, learning, is also a way to meet people. I am thinking of doing this pretty soon. One evening a week, or two, doing something aggressive like kick boxing. I don't want to do a martial art, though the discipline side does appeal. I don't have time to be gracious. I want to be ready.

Toughening Up Myself and Standing up for Myself

I don't want to ever be the push over I was in 2013. I might have a lot of confidence to build back up after everything, it might be hard. That's the whole point of this list. I never want to be used again.

Acting
To get confident, I want to take acting classes, or an acting workshop. I think being able to act, or talk to a whole stadium of people, or whatever, is a sign of pure confidence. If I can do that, then I have got my confidence.

Creativity
I don't ever want to waste my time again next year. Not that time was purposely wasted. I was recovering a lot of the time. But I want to have results from the production of my creative expression this time. That can be a night dedicated to photography, crafts, beauty, writing, films, dinner parties, fashion, art, music, reading... rather than just thinking about doing all those things.

Dedication to Work
At work, whatever it might be, I want to stay dedicated, focused and professional, keeping a friendly but distinct separation between my social life and my work life. I don't ever want to make the same mistakes I made at Lush.

Family
I want to make time for certain family members so I can help them, see them and appreciate them face to face. I want to write more to my granny and I want to spend weekends with other family members, not getting too wrapped up with myself.

Redemption, and 'starting over'
I want to love myself in a way that is forgiveness and practice redemption. I want to redeem myself by accepting that I have made mistakes, and that I am sorry, and that I am rational in thinking that hey, we all make mistakes and I am only human and that I really am starting over with myself.

Modesty
The idea that physical looks, superficial accomplishments and self indulgent charity aren't reasons to be proud and that being proud isn't something that is important. Modesty is an attractive trait that I do have, if I just think about it.

Learn a Language
I want to learn French, so I have started to learn basic bits, but by next year, I want to be taking proper lessons, and for my 30th, I'd like to go to Paris. I said to Hayley that a lot of the reason why I want to do things like this is because I think it's appealing and a turn on when someone has a skill, or when someone can learn a language, and as a single man, I want to be as appealing as possible, because there is no way I am entering my 30's feeling like the loser I did this year.

I regret the flower power

Christmas Day today! Not that I give a shit. Here are some things I have learnt about Christmas this year:

1. Not being part of it/not celebrating it reduces stress at an already stressful time
2. Not being able to afford it also adds to its abhorrence
3. I am not into consumerism and shopping at all
4. I like to work hard to pass the time quicker
5. I don't mind the day and the drinking
6. Boxing Day night is a bigger celebration than Christmas Eve
7. People won't be more gracious to you in public because it's Christmas
8. It's just a couple of days out of the year
9. It's generally a waste of money
10. I prefer the summer

take me now, cos dreams are made of this

smile, you love us

I'm not going to be writing much probably over the next few days. It's that time now where it's busier and I am working later. And I feel I've exhausted Christmas anyway, don't really want to soil my blog with anymore Christmas shit. As as update - I spent the weekend drunk. On Saturday, I splashed my glee around with Wigs, the girls and Steffi. The day after was the work's Christmas party, which I was also very drunk at, but well behaved, pleasant and coherent.

I'm not hugely looking forward to Christmas obviously. The idea of waking up on Dave's living room floor freezing my tits off and still drunk on Christmas Day is not a thought of comfort, but Boxing Day night is the traditional party night out AKA 'Big Boxing Day Bang' (insert 'Black' if you sleep with a black man). I hope Hayley comes out. I really want a total mash-a-thon.

I'm reading Evelina at the moment and looking forward to getting paid and moving to town, and looking forward to next year, but for now I am just getting by with what's available to me. I keep having feelings of single self pity, sometimes I discover a new reason why it would be so good and useful to have a boyfriend. I never knew I'd become this kind of undatable socially awkward dweeb from hell.

SJP Tree

smoke gets in your eyes but I chaffed them and gaily laughed

Merry Christmas and all that bollocks. I am feeling very happy and very good because I recently got bought loads of Lush stuff and my skin has turned a corner (on improvement). Also, my brother is back from Thailand and I am happy because I was convinced that while he was there he was going to die, or be killed.

He brought back some lovely presents: 200 cigarettes that feature really horrible off putting graphic warning photographs of dying Thai people and a t-shirt. The problem is I haven't smoked in nearly a month, and have spent these weeks coughing up excessive chunks of nasty. I am cleaning my lungs out! I do feel better about it, however I am conflicted not because I don't treat smoking as a habit, but rather a pastime. Yet, I feel bad that after all this coughing to clear them out, I will dirty them again with smoking, even if it's at the right place during the right time. And the warnings on these cigarettes really make me feel dirty already, and I haven't even had one yet.

I didn't think I would ever feel so happy though over cosmetics. Aromatherapy and good skin really do bring me happiness, during a season where most people are fooling themselves into thinking that buying pointless shit will make them feel good.

GHOST TOWN

Ghost Town (DAT Politics, Powermoon 2013) as mentioned in my previous post.

tell me are you better, now your new life starts to unfold?

This is one of the rare times where I am attracted to a woman (girl on the left). She pretty much sums up how I feel about the cringeworthy excitement of getting married, Christmas, wearing seasonal themed clothing, and combining all three things for this awful photo-op that only this girl can save.

I've been outside wearing my device, I came back in wearing the same device as you

I miss my old room and my old house, full of stuff, with the window I always loved to look out of, wearing the scarf Nanny Sam made me.

taken December 3rd 2010

Christmas Tree 2010

This was taken during a sick day off work in December 2010. My memories of then were that I was still enjoying my job at Lush but I had been quite ill that year with gastroenteritis and dehydration and had recently been in hospital from dehydration. It might not look it, but I was actually quite unwell in this photo, and the hospital band is still on my wrist. This was the year where I stuffed 2 large stockings for my ex boyfriend. I think it was the last Christmas I ever actually enjoyed.

Seven Deadly Christmas Sins

Greed

you gonna eat all that?

Someone who thinks they can eat what the fuck they want because it's Christmas and then have the audacity to moan about how hideously corpulent their body has become as a result of the season. Also someone who just wants everything because 'they want it', especially because it's Christmas (perfect excuse to be a greedy asshole, me me me, etc).

Sloth

So lazy, only the animals turned up

Someone so lazy that they never even leave their home. They moan about everything not going their way despite the solution being in GETTING OFF THEIR FUCKING LAZY ASS AND GOING OUT THERE AND DOING SOMETHING.

Lust

A lot of men now would want this for Christmas

Gay men who 'want a relationship' but have needs so keep a Grindr, etc on their phone. People who treat relationships the same way absolute assholes treat cats at Christmas; just for Christmas. Like Greed, people who lust over people like they are possessions, all for their own pleasure and nothing else. 

Wrath

Burn it down

Horrible assholes who treat the hard working and down trodden like shit because they are in a bad mood only to return to their lavish, over dressed and warm homes to indulge in other sin related activities, if not all of them.

Envy

At least he GAVE it back. Some things are never returned. Like my dignity.

Assholes who go out of their way to DESTROY the lives of others because they can't be arsed to go through the tribulations and work of getting what others have themselves. Selfish ugly and smelly twats who are never happy with what god gave them, no matter how grotesque.

Pride

"one for facebook"

People who brag about things, sometimes things that don't behold an ounce of truth, purely to show off and falsely believe that their pride impresses people thus making them more likable. Not at all, asshole.

Gluttony

The Stark Contrast

Like Greed, but people who eat so much they start to physically embody every sin I have listed on here, and at Christmas, the curtain is opened, all is revealed, as these fat, over consumed whales waddle around town treating anything in it's wake like a piece of shit. 

Merry Fucking Christmas

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