who taught you math?

i met a boy that i really like. he's called Aaron and he is everything i want. now i am left wondering if i like him more than he likes me. i am now in that horrible bit where i want to know so many things. am i rushing to know, am i jeopardizing the future? im now at his command, and feel i could and would do anything for him. i see him as perfect, and want to make him happy. i am reading into things too much now. i want him to turn me round and tell me he wants me more than anything in the world.

play

When I look out of my eyes I see my world, or I should be seeing my world. In everyone's world, including mine, there are 2 rules:



1) don't hurt other people
2. you are not a god
that means things are hard, you feel emotions, you do not have unlimited money, you cannot fly
but within those restrictions is a world so wide and varied with so much that it could fill up a million life times
this is your world, this is your game: and the game is called life
start playing it

dear diary, sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you

Wow, it's been a long time. I'm so sorry for ignoring you in the past but you began to resemble something that wasn't the one I first trusted with all my thinkings in the beginning, and you began to let me slip, and fooled me into an engine of self promotion and danger. But now we are friends, and I can speak to you again.

Since we last spoke, I was very depressed and looking forward to a holiday. I did indeed go on holiday, to Menorca, to a town on the south coast of the island called Son Bou. The holiday I anticipated would not only be a relaxing beach getaway, but a chance to gain perspective on my life through peace and reflection, and a chance to not only catch up with my friend Greg, but to perhaps delve deep into his mind and his life to help him feel better about his situation and his future, and in turn, a satisfaction that would add to helping me feel good about mine.

I don't know what I came back with, except a very impressive tan and a longing for a guy called Santi. I learned that there are reasons behind everything, but I already knew that. I just realised that finding out what these reasons are sooner rather than later is usually helpful to the process of getting on with life. I realised that my friend could be a sociopath. He could have a personality disorder. I came down to the conclusion that he acted and treated us the way he did the week I was there because he was jealous. I heard that the second week, when I was gone, he behaved perfectly. I was just trying to enjoy myself. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone.

When I came back I was down about the weather and down about Santi. I promised him I'd teach him English perfectly, and that I'd return in September so we could be together, but I have since changed my mind. Maybe the language barrier put me off, but I felt insulted by him when he criticised my attitude towards men and when he kept pestering me about happiness. I then felt even more insulted after all the nice, promising things he said to me, he mentioned the happiness he had found with his boyfriend in Mexico. I then, in all English style, made my polite excuses, and decided inside, to not bother talking to him anymore. How can someone fail to understand that I am from a country where it rains in the summer, each day I don't wake up jumping for joy. You are from a tiny little island in the middle of the Mediterranean. You live next to a beach. You have a boyfriend who supports you and your 'flourishing' career in journalism and you charm 'pretty white English boys with blue eyes and blond hair and handsome bodies' while they foolishly stumble around on a beach looking for themselves.

Didn't bother me at all.

I watched a spectacular, disturbing and moving film called 'We Need to Talk About Kevin'. It has, like any excellent film, effected me and influenced me in many different ways. It's also reminded me of how much I admire the actress Tilda Swinton. In show business and films and Hollywood or whatever, I am naturally drawn to interesting and intelligent actors and actresses, film makers and artists. Tilda is the epitome of that.

I liked this film because it was unconventional. It needs to be watched twice I think, a few days between the first and second time, to fully grasp it. It transcends the whole symbolism of whatever to convey a message, though the symbolic use of red is purposely evident throughout, that and quite a literal soundtrack of happy songs that juxtapose this already heavy knowledge you know from the beginning of the cross Eva is and will forever have to bear. What I liked most was the growing sense of paranoia Eva has for her son, and as the film progresses, you almost assume that she knows what you already know, she is sensing something, something horrible black and foul that is impending. She is bracing herself for her life falling apart, and even though the film starts with two parallel scenes of the beginning and the end, I feel she already knows her destiny, and sometimes, I feel the same about my own destiny too. Sometimes you map out your own life, sometimes you know what is truly going to happen.

I love Tilda Swinton though. As well as being a great actress, she works on so many different platforms; in art, poetry, fashion... she is pretty much the thinking person's icon without being ugly or poorly dressed. In fact, her dress, her style, all of which are obviously her own choices (having a stylist is like buying the stuff straight off the mannequin, she thinks for herself), is something I admire about her the most. She understands the theory behind clothing, the messages it can put out there and the importance of representing your best physical and mental features through your choices of fashion.