MY EYES ARE DRY

The good thing about being at Steve's on the weekend is that we get completely wrecked and stay up all night so I'm fooled into thinking I have an extra day off. Whilst not working between 6 on Saturday till now, I am making use of the time when ordinarily most people are either asleep or crawling back from some piss drenched hole on Broad Street so they can spend the rest of Sunday unconcious with their head hanging over the toilet. Whilst here I have talked about life changes, discussed my life plan for the next 5 years and 'jokingly' submitted my photo to guyswithiphones.com because I always felt left out before, with my shit Blackberry.

The week has been an equal level of pure appreciation and reflection combined with pure frustration and fear. I am frustrated with the Canadian because our personalities are one of those rare combinations that I have an almost allergic personality reaction. No matter what he does or how hard he tries, he frustrates me. It seems the more of a cunt I am to him, the more nicer to me he is. My bad karma is through the roof because of this little cunt.

im sorry

However, this frustration and fear has been kindly balanced by moments of enjoyment and crucial reflection. I've been feeling very creative. I have been able to chill out most nights with a juicy spliff. I have unwillingly watched Coronation Street. Work has been a laugh, we have created a whole list of National Days that we either want to find out exist or not or to create ourselves. Today was National Suck Your Hair Dry Day. This involves drying and styling your hair with a vacuum cleaner. Other days on the list include:

National Bonk Day
National Rag Out Day
National No Bra Day
National Who Knows whats in the punch Day
Long Island Iced Tea Appreciation Day
National Fanny Batter Week

This was all spurred on by the fact that Friday was National Margarita Day and apparently gays and trannys claim every day as National Margarita Day. I myself have never drank a Margarita. I'm more of a grog person.

Another good thing about this week is that I have had moments where I have really appreciated how different and great things are for me now, and it all worked out by doing the simple thing of doing the right thing and not the wrong thing. I have a tendency to be stubborn about my decision in fucking my life up. So I feel very lucky. I also really appreciate my job, as I sometimes think about how horrible it must be if I had to go to school and learn maths again.

I also read back on my old blogs and can't believe how different things and myself are, regardless of the space of time between then and now. It's made me realise how important recording everything down is, because now I have confirmation of my progress and I'm not living some deluded fantasy.

Steve made an interesting point about the winter- it seems longer than it is because so much, an almost abnormal amount of things have changed and happened in such a short time, and therfore we feel like stuck, like Bill Murray in 'Groundhog Day'. I do anyway, as I get the train every day. And the train is ALWAYS the same. 

FIRE walk with me... I am Frank

Things are going really well and I guess the natural optimist in me is on full contentment mode with the unexpected new direction my life took recently, which then made me realise that it's easy to know when to do the right thing for your happiness, and that's by choosing the good and sensible options in life's decisions.

My relationships with people at work that weren't so good in the past have vastly improved. This is all due to the new perspective I have been given not by looking after Steve but for being a friend, and for him sharing and understanding the wisdom he has. He has been my hero. I'm financially better off because I've paid my over draft, and the weird thing was I paid it off reluctantly because I wanted to buy things but when I eventually paid it off and saw the £1000 gone to the bank, I felt an overwhelming sense of security. I have moved from Moseley to Four Oaks to live with my mates in Pussy Palace so I've realised too how important my friends are and how being around people is good for us all. It's near Steve so I can care for him and that is my intention until the very end. My friendships of everyone I know are becoming more strong and loyal and I've rejected the old attitude I had which was that I was better off on my own. I'm seeing my brother a lot more, and I spend more time with Hayley because I always love being with her and I always feel so lifted after spending time with them. I've seen Emma a lot more, am back in touch with Sian and just feel that I am there for everyone and everyone is there for me, and it feels fantastic, that for the first time ever, in my life, I believe that people really like me for who I truly am.

Whilst I do have long term plans, I've learnt that things change all the time so there's no point having a plan set in stone. Short term plans are far more effective, and they involve improving my actual health, body, my skin, and help the girls as well. I have my Leica on it's way soon after repair and I intend to buy a new DSLR camera and a laptop, so I can really start my work. I'm bursting with ideas, with photos, fashion, styling, writing, interiors etc etc.

my heart will never be

crack of dawn, hatching schemes in the house of the rising sun

Dedication

I'd like to dedicate my first post of the new year to my dear friend Daisy Blecker, who has always read and appreciated my blogs and supported my ideas despite how indecisive and fickle I am, and for being a really inspirational person to me and a great photographer.