in the end, you're just too close

this week in photos

darling you can be so unforgiving you can be so unloving you can be so misunderstanding but i dont know how to feel without your love so tell me what to do

please, retain a sense of humour

i don't want to fall in love with you

Ask me about my feelings

my boy sleeps around with other men... he plays the game so well... he lies like sugar, i love no one else

Loss for Words?

I made a new Facebook because I couldn't be bothered with deleting all the people (about half my friends list) that aren't friends; just are people I've met once, don't actually care about and so on. But I just wanted to start again. Symbolic to show that I am moving on and don't need all this to remind me, I think that's why I'm so eager now to start again. I had just jumped head first into trying to redeem myself and to rectify my relationship, and put myself full force into it, with every hope of making it work. So it feels terrible to be discarded like I was.

After I added the people that I truly care about, love, and are good friends with, I realised that the other half who matter really do matter tremendously, and I have over 100 people in my life that actually do care. And some of these people it's up to me to expand on, and to develop friendships with further. People have come out of the woodwork and have expressed their concern, more than I thought they would. I have lots of things lined up to do now, and lots of friends to see. I have a real good base to stand on to be happy to make positive changes now. It's been so long.

The State That I Am In

I can choose to sit in bed, watching sex and the city, and thinking like they think on how to deal with a break up. I can go over the facts and make myself feel worse with questions like 'who could he prefer? who could offer him more than I struggled to provide'? or I could just get on with my life and use this as an opportunity. It's no secret that I want to get out of Birmingham. He would of never come with me, so it was doomed anyway. But I feel betrayed, and hurt and I'm allowed to wallow in that for a while.

I won't let it ruin me though. I think I really need to be single. My old rule to getting over a break up is to meet someone else straight away. And despite knowing well that that isn't the sensible option, I think I hurt because he will, or already has, moved on to his new chapter. I feel left behind, powerless and lonely. I don't have a group of friends like sex and the city to pull me together and take me out. I don't really have anyone.

So it is up to myself to get over this like a normal person and stop being so weird about it. My situation provides opportunities to do more things - to be positive about life, to enjoy being single, and by that not having the worry of where your boyfriend is or if he actually even likes you. I need time to focus on myself and my friends, and time to focus socialising with people my own age. I don't have to put up with the constant obvious discoveries and realisations from an 18 year old. I don't have to be patronising one anymore.

I also want to focus on my image again. The gym is going well, though I'm finding it hard to keep eating as much as im supposed to. I get bored of eating the same thing. And I want to eventually get some new clothes and get a new tattoo, something I've been planning for years but always dismissed.

we were hoping for some romance

I just did the Dating Personality Quiz on OkCupid - here's my result

Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships—as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment.

You’ve had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You’re a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too.

You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you’ll get bored. And then instead of surprising him with flowers or a practical joke, you’ll surprise him by leaving.

pirate party manchester 2006

estelle sent me an email of photos i had sent her in 2006 of the pirate party we had in manchester.

a reminder of the cool posters we had, second hand bedding and pillow cases my mom got me and my friend who turned up as a map.

How was Fargo?

it's cold at the moment and the cold weather like this reminds me of certain films such as Buffalo '66 and Fargo. I particularly like the cold setting of Fargo and the woolly jumpers worn by Jerry's wife (the woman who gets kidnapped). I always sympathised with this character. One minute your knitting watching morning telly in your handmade woolly bobble cardy, the next you're kidnapped blind folded and bound, only then to be eventually killed.