Christmas Tree 2010

This was taken during a sick day off work in December 2010. My memories of then were that I was still enjoying my job at Lush but I had been quite ill that year with gastroenteritis and dehydration and had recently been in hospital from dehydration. It might not look it, but I was actually quite unwell in this photo, and the hospital band is still on my wrist. This was the year where I stuffed 2 large stockings for my ex boyfriend. I think it was the last Christmas I ever actually enjoyed.

i'm an ocean and you're salt air

Tonight, while I was taking advantage of a fatherless living room (he's in Cyprus for some reason) my mum looked up from her maxi-pad with news that Nigella Lawson was a coke head, dubbed 'Higella' (clever that) and that she was 'really disappointed, because I really like her'. Has my mother not learnt anything from me at all? I quickly informed her that she also really likes me, that cocaine does go up your nose but it in no way defines how good you are as a person. I'm sick of trying to keep my mother in the know with the right attitude towards drugs, and harshly reminded her each time she says things like that, she is showing her age. Drug abuse can effect anyone, and when it escalates, like it has done with me in the past, it's usually for very understandable reasons. Nigella Lawson was clearly in an unhappy relationship and probably turned to drugs to escape from an abusive, money fuelled marriage. Money does NOT buy happiness. She exceeded with food; I suppose drugs were a welcome release.

Not a lot has happened to me since last weekend. I've been working. I've realised the pointlessness of personal list-making for things, now that looking at something from a simplified perspective is so much easier. I am taking care of my skin with Lush, Creme de la Mer and Kiehls. I am taking my health kick seriously. Today I ate an entire apple. I've been feeling like shit all week, so I am glad to really be genuinely taking my health seriously. There's a guy at work who I think I might fancy, I haven't really got a good look at him, and it might just because I caught him looking at me, he seems a bit camp and there's an element to him that for some reason makes me think he might be an absolute cunt but maybe that's because he reminds me of a cunt I once worked with in London called Karl who I once thought I liked but was a complete cunt to me. We'll have to see. That's all you're allowed to know for now anyway.

now I'm just somebody that I used to know

If you know me then you will of recently heard of my good news and the thoroughly enjoyable (but final) rejoicing I took part in. However, that is as far as I will go in discussing said news as I am very protective over it and extremely cautious now, paranoid, scarred for life by unfathomable betrayal.

Ordinarily, and like I did at the weekend (and not just because), I'd be out every weekend, sometimes in the week, turning up days later reeking of whisky and plant food. I remember on Sunday, in Moseley the air was colder, made me think I could get away with looking like I was on my way to a meeting or church. I realised I may of spent the majority of the year looking like I was constantly on a walk of shame. Mostly I was. I walked with shame, it became a permanent fixture.

I'm one step towards the main goal, but it's the first step, maybe the second when you consider I've pretty much conquered drug addiction.

I realised today that the next steps have to be small and rational and careful, and I think those next things to consider are health and money, while I munched down sugar and chocolate and spent my day dehydrating myself, looking at my sagging body in the harsh reflection of a green bathroom in the evening, I know it's now a priority. And when I do finally get money, it's not being spent.

I like feeling normal. Nothing is normal, and not everything is fixed just yet. Balance and rationality, dedication and patience are all things I am putting into practice, along with being a nice person to people. I hated knowing that people knew who I was and what I got up to. I hated knowing that when people saw me they instantly thought 'druggy'. That won't happen anymore. I've jumped back on, and I am eager to be taken in, knowing there is a master plan and knowing that I can, somewhere deep inside of me, retain that person I thought I only knew when I was in some kind of mental psychotropic nightmare.

Radar Receiver

The more I eat, the hungrier I get, the bigger my appetite becomes, the sexier I feel. I'm not trying to get fat. The whole food thing is a good start. I have a body type goal now, and I want to see if I can achieve it. The body type I'll talk about later, but for now I am proactive, even just to see if I can do it.

My mood has lifted and my mind has cleared. Everything seems to make automatic sense. I understand that there needs to be a balance of control and enjoyment in my life. One can't be applied without the other. I guess I got fed up of being frustrated with myself all the time.

 

good

bad

I can't be bothered with writing properly, so here's a list of everything I've been up to, in no particular order:

• ate loads of sweets
• went to Chipping Campden
• Went on a date with a 44 year old. Was unimpressed.
• Had a juicy steak
• Saw Greggers with Wiggy and Brother
• Carved my pumpkin
• Went on 2nd date with 44 year old. Was repulsed. Informed him that I will not be pursuing anything further with him. 
• Visited my friend in Moseley
• Went to a party with my friends
• Had a Halloween feast with Hayley
• Saw Captain Philips at cinema
• Went to the Nightingale
• Met what I consider Wiggy's future husband and the most nicest, attractive hunk ever. 
• Watched Teen Witch. Was really great.

 

This is the 3rd time I chose to 'go' as a woman:

2013

2012

2006

druqgs

When I look back on my life, I blame drugs for the way it's never really worked out. Not always entirely, but for the most part, I do. I wonder then, why I still do them, after how much I've had robbed from me because of them, and as they slowly start to take from me the only thing I have left (my looks) I contemplate of what importance they ever were to me. Or what purpose I thought they served, and what they actually were serving. I find that I'm a coward for not facing up to life's problems, and for not being able to accept myself, and an idiot for letting something as simple as euphoria escalate into a life sentence.

This week I have been called a number of things, mainly anorexic, but all reference to my weight and how tired I look. Ming told me I looked like a tired, over worked dad in my new Facebook photo.

I feel fed up hopelessly trying to find work, paranoid that they all know who I am, or someone is working against me. I am a constant mistake being made.

I also feel fed up of having to cancel and decline things, especially around Halloween. I can't go to Fran's Halloween party, I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything. I can't even go downstairs to relax without my mom getting her fucking iPad out to talk jobs and to nag about 'what to do tomorrow'.

So am thinking to stop but really stop, shut away for a while, but it's that reclusion that scares me, I am not making a point with that, I can't keep going on like this. If nothing ever goes right for me, and this year is a prime example, then have drugs ever helped? Not really. Then why keep doing them?