If you know me then you will of recently heard of my good news and the thoroughly enjoyable (but final) rejoicing I took part in. However, that is as far as I will go in discussing said news as I am very protective over it and extremely cautious now, paranoid, scarred for life by unfathomable betrayal.
Ordinarily, and like I did at the weekend (and not just because), I'd be out every weekend, sometimes in the week, turning up days later reeking of whisky and plant food. I remember on Sunday, in Moseley the air was colder, made me think I could get away with looking like I was on my way to a meeting or church. I realised I may of spent the majority of the year looking like I was constantly on a walk of shame. Mostly I was. I walked with shame, it became a permanent fixture.
I'm one step towards the main goal, but it's the first step, maybe the second when you consider I've pretty much conquered drug addiction.
I realised today that the next steps have to be small and rational and careful, and I think those next things to consider are health and money, while I munched down sugar and chocolate and spent my day dehydrating myself, looking at my sagging body in the harsh reflection of a green bathroom in the evening, I know it's now a priority. And when I do finally get money, it's not being spent.
I like feeling normal. Nothing is normal, and not everything is fixed just yet. Balance and rationality, dedication and patience are all things I am putting into practice, along with being a nice person to people. I hated knowing that people knew who I was and what I got up to. I hated knowing that when people saw me they instantly thought 'druggy'. That won't happen anymore. I've jumped back on, and I am eager to be taken in, knowing there is a master plan and knowing that I can, somewhere deep inside of me, retain that person I thought I only knew when I was in some kind of mental psychotropic nightmare.
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