heaven is a place on earth with you, tell me all the things you want to do

Andrew's secrets: He likes to go round to his granny's for tea

Can you do any better?

Last night I watched a film called 'All About My Mother'. I am now back at my family home, having cleared out the last bit of my apartment. The evening felt surreal. There was a familiarity to the newness of my old room. The new TV which is massive now sits opposite my bed on the dressing table; my cosmetics are stowed away. The twilight that filled my room for that short time I welcomed, reopening my curtains, to sit in, shared with the sexy electric glow of the new television. I bought the film last week. I have no idea what it was that came over me, but I was thinking about someone and felt the over whelming urge to cry right in the middle of HMV. I always look at the world cinema section, as other films seem to really bore me lately, and I noticed two films that he bought, by a young director called Xavier Dolan, called Heartbeats and I Killed My Mother, neither were available. I want to buy them both some day, when I feel ready to watch them. It's bad that even the film that Dolan took the cinematic slow-motion-sombre-classical music effect from (In the Mood for Love) now reminds me of him and then, and the memories, that still hurt, I cannot even watch without being consumed with that horrid feeling of dread. And there are films, and songs, that I love, but are now off limits, and it's just a matter of time in which I wait to have safe access to them again, when I can enjoy them again, and they no longer remind me of him.

But last night I decided to watch All About My Mother. It is a Spanish film, which I've heard a lot about, and I chose it because I thought that he would probably like it, and it is Spanish. Yesterday was his birthday, and I know it sounds corny, but I thought in my own way, out of dedication, I would watch this film alone, for him.

This got me thinking about the influence the men have in my life after they leave my life intimately, or in some cases, completely. I noticed it's never when they are about. It's when they're gone. I think it's good that I want to learn about the things that made that person who they are. But what does it mean? Am I trying to live on with something from them?

After Matthew, I literally wanted to be him. I copied his dress, hung off every word. After John, who is Scottish, I became obsessed with Scottish culture and history and folklore, and to the point declared to all my friends I would never consider another English man again. David moved to Norway and I wanted to go, and embrace Scandinavian culture. I didn't nesesarily want to get into football like he did, but the drive to travel, and blog, write, and learn about computers (something I have never understood but been surrounded by for my whole life) took over for a while. My drive to go away ultimately inspired him to move. Away. Forever. To Norway. I have only seen him twice since he left. 

And as for the one who recently got away... I felt for a while I wanted to learn Spanish, to learn to drive, to do all the things that were to me, significant to him. There are other things too, that rubbed off after. Other things I started to notice, and appreciate, that make the whole moving on process a whole lot harder.

Anyway, I watched the film last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. I cried at bits, which I felt were genuinely tragic, but the setting of the film is so kitsch and colourful, and well.... Spanish, I felt sort of weird feeling this emotion in a setting that denoted such cheeriness, like serious fucked up life issues set in soap opera triviality. It is definitely worth watching, it's melodrama wonders whether you should actually laugh or cry. I cried. It's a deep film. And I was surprised at how much a young Penelope Cruz reminded me of the young Audrey Tatou in Amelie. Those eyes and teeth... a beautiful woman, and an amazing actress.

The film forced me not to exactly assess my relationship with my own mother, but reminded me guiltily of the charitable and thankless tasks that mothers, especially my own mother, do on a daily basis, and for reasons no more humble than to make sure we are okay. And there are times where I treat her like a maid, I expect her to read my mind, I get annoyed that she brings my breakfast up on a tray when in 1 extra minute i'd be down stairs ready to eat it at the table. I cry because I feel cruel and seeing as I am aiming to be on par with karma, I need to know that it's important not to just feel these feelings of guilt and shame, but to act on them, and to show that my mother, who works so hard, and loves me so much, that I will always be her son that loves her no matter what, till the day either of us might have to die.

The theme of the film shares a similar, but loose, theme of I Killed My Mother, where the protagonist I think is meant to be the one who craves the sympathy that naturally comes with the film. But I felt emotion for the mother in that film. Mother characters just make me break. The end scene of Heavenly Creatures, when Pauline Parker murders her mother, is a film scene that has scarred and will haunt me for the whole of my life. And the end plot of lazily labelled 'romantic comedy' Muriel's Wedding where Bill Heslop leaves the mother Betty that results in her suicide is heart breaking. All About My Mother deals with the whole spectrum of mothers, metaphoric, and literal. And that is why I think he would like to watch this film. Unless he reads this, he won't know about it, I can't recommend it, I can't speak and won't. But hopefully one day he will see it. I suppose it's one of those things I will miss that we never really did, discussing and sharing our interest in foreign and independent film.

Today, the limited edition retro products we ordered arrived at my shop. I ordered 6 pots of Deep Sleep shower jelly. I'm glad they are actually listening to the forumites in regards to bringing out old school shower jellies on special, as they took away nearly all of them. Deep Sleep for me isnt just a nice smell, it's a memory. This is the Lush geek coming out now I warn you, and luckily it lies dormant most of the time, but my memory of Deep Sleep and Party On stem back to the days where I was going out with Matthew and he used to work in Lush in his home town of Southend. I remember finding these small bits of jelly in the shower when I went to visit, and trying to use them, curious, intrigued. It was very new to me. It was one of those things that added to the huge appeal of my 'perfect boyfriend' at the time. Deep Sleep was around the time when you still had to cut the jellies and weigh them like we do with the soaps. I used to love it because late night showers, that went on forever, in Manchester, are a memory of mine I love. The simple freedom of being able to do what you want without being told off, without anyone knowing, without anyone caring. The lavender smell and the bring orange colour... it's so corny to say but it's the one thing apart from Black Pearl I would ever wish for them to bring back for retro – and they did!

Deep Sleep, the perfect sensory shower experience before bed...

I am planning gay pride tomorrow. I am not a huge fan of pride in terms of what it's supposed to stand for. Without being a traitor to my sexuality or anything, I've always maintained pride (or mardi gras as its known in Manchester) is the only time except for new years eve that you can get absolutely fucked out of your mind and no one can say anything about it at all. I will probably do GLAS and Chic, like last year, and meet up with Laurence and his bf, and the guys from London, and Manni and Mark and Sophie and Kay and my little brother and his gf.... it might get a bit crowded. It's always the best way.

Juke Box Dave, Manni, me and Greg at the beginning of that night of shame

London's drug addicted party whores (not including me)

Which leads me onto a new development – Greg is back from Venezuela. In all grand Greg style, the decision was quick and followed through like a bitch slap to my face. And I can confirm that yes, the bitch is definitely back and causing havoc and spreading his visually merchandised rep across Birmingham. He wants me to come on holiday with him and his family to Spain in a month or so, and because I think this is a huge sign, I think it might be good for me. The holiday features his alcoholic swinging parents, cheap booze, a nude beach and touchingly, in Greg's own words 'the perfect opportunity for me and you to catch up and have fun together'. I'm the only person he says that he can be himself around. I believe this to be very true. No one in his superficial, bizarre world has ever given him the chance or taken him that seriously like I have. I'm glad I mean something to someone, even when one of their services of friendship includes 'I can speak Spanish now! So I can get you any guy you want on da nude beach!!!!' I'm going to look into it.

Greg was always there to lend a hand, when mine stopped working

Manchester Mardi Gras ended in a park, with a can of coke and a pair of massive tits

The weekend is going to be dull for me. I am staying well and truly hidden, and well and truly hydrated and detoxed. I can see the disease and the toxins bubbling under my skin from the weeks of abuse and hell. I have my cousin's First Holy Communion to attend Sunday (to non Catholics, it's a 'weird' Catholic milestone event where all the little girls wear mini wedding dresses and the boys read a red velvet sash, and accept their first communion, which is basically the little circle of bread we eat at mass that represents Christ's body. Seriously).

I am reading tarot cards for a guy I have become acquainted with recently next week. He expressed interest in tarot when I told him about it, and he seems into his starsigns, so he isn't cynical like ___ was. But I think I am developing a crush on him despite not having anything in common with him, and even when I was with him that night out a while back, staying close to his side, feeling awkward because the conversation was just NOT flowing. But he reminds me of Heathcliffe from Wuthering Heights, dark, and rugged, nice arms and big hands. 

He wants to go for drinks with me after I read his cards. Am I reading too much into this? Is he just a booze hound like me? I don't think I could take someone who, only slightly older than me, approaches dating still like a teenager and complains still why he can't find a bf. He only wants me to do his cards because he's single and bored, and I am going to take the opportunity to share my wisdom and tell him the harsh but fair truth of how it really is. It's difficult to do a reading like that for someone that not only you kind of fancy, but you might think also fancies you. But there's nothing more awkward than someone asking for a reading because they fancy you. It puts a lot of pressure on the reader, but I intend to maintain my composure and my mystique for him.

And finally, I still haven't got round to finding Steve. I fear he is dead, and me and Manni want to find him urgently. I will speak to my brother this Sunday. He might suggest a few things. Then at least I can relax when I find out he's okay/immigrated/actually is dead. Which I hope not. He's a dear friend of mine and we are all very worried. Please come home, Steve. Wherever that is? 

Steve, in the middle. He's quite small

du riechst sehr gut

I know last night's post was depressing. It wasn't a moment of 'I hate my life'. I don't hate it. But I still stand by what I said. You have to go through some sort of suffering to get that wake up call.

I'm back to work tomorrow. Which I want to be looking forward to. I have stuff to sort out, as my flat is completely empty now of anything belonging to me (except all the stuff I want to give to charity).

This weekend I went to Kay's party, when I really shouldn't of. I forgot to cancel on her in enough time, and didn't want to be the kind of person who promises they go to something and then says they can't when it's started. When she text asking me where I was, I knew I had to go. So I braved it to town, picked up my rum, which is very bad, and spent my last 20 quid on a taxi there and a pack of cigarettes. The party was fun, and I liked everyone I met, they are my age range despite feeling like everyone is more grown up than me. They are the typical late 20s, early 30s type people, yet I couldn't help feel like I had fallen behind, that these aren't really my people. I also noticed after a few hours that I had become a token gay person to the party. I'm not sure what happened, but at one point I fell asleep on Kay's bed, and then I had to be sick and was vomiting blood. There was cocaine, and also Rico, so I was up and all over the place all night. By the end, I went back to Rico's to pass out in his room, and ended up being over an hour late to meet my mom the next day to clean my flat and move the last of my stuff out, which was horrible when I was feeling ill, hung over and starving.

I've had to cancel visiting ___ in London this weekend coming up because I have to go to my God-daughter's First Holy Communion on the Sunday. The other reasons are to do with money, time, and trying to give up drinking and drugs, a battle I feel I am constantly losing. I don't want to break up friendships because of this, but sometimes I wonder where I'd be with certain people if it wasn't for alcohol. And I like ___ a lot, but being wined and dined in fancy restaurants makes me feel uncomfortable, yet that's what he seems to enjoy doing. I am not like him. And some of his friends... I know what they're thinking. But I am NOT like that. I am not driven or attracted to money, and fancy things. If anything, I am confused with it.

Excluding this blog, I think I talk about myself too much. And by myself, I don't mean 'me me me I'm so great'. But listening in on other's conversations at Kay's, and maybe it's cos of drugs (i got very philosophical in my head by the end of the night because I was so stoned), but I noticed that, and maybe this is because they ALL know each other really well, but they don't talk about themselves. Does that make sense? I sat there, stoned, thinking that right here and there I could not think of anything to talk about unless it was directly relevant to either myself, something I was interested in and had a part of, or something or other... maybe it was because all the boys were talking about football, or because it was 7 am and the party had come to an end, or the spliff I had too much of.... I just found this observation useful, not so much horrifying, but useful to consider in terms of my life detox. Maybe I need to find something else to fall back on other than the basic facts of who I am in terms of creating bonds and relationships with people. I could be being paranoid, who knows.

Let*s suffer

I guess I find it hard to stay positive sometimes, and that's only normal. I'm allowed these moments of weakness, especially when I have been optimistic and strong for the most part. But I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve all that has happened so far this year. Then I realise what it is that I have done that has warranted this bad luck onto me: lies, deception, jealousy, revenge, gossip, just plain nastiness, bitchiness, disrespect, arrogance, spite...

When someone tells me how nice I am, I tell them I am not. They think I am being modest. But I don't believe in modesty. If I was so nice then I wouldn't be suffering now. If I was so nice then I wouldn't of made the mistakes that I made before, and continue to make, and if I was so nice then I wouldn't of been targeted and plotted against. So, within the rules of karma, I deserve everything I get.

There's something strangely reassuring though about feeling like this, and not in a self pitying kind of way. It's a bit like when you have no money left in your account, so in a way, you feel more secure because you know exactly where you stand with the bank. I think it's the fact that I am completely aware and sure of my life and how my feelings are in it right now. I know what is rational and what is just silly when thinking about things. I try not to compare myself to others. I don't ask why everyone else seems to be having such a great time, because I know why they are.

It's almost like an identity, a position, or a place I have accepted for myself. I am almost used to it. I am used to it. I'm used to not getting what I want, and souping up what I think I've got to pretend to others I am not doing without. I am used to having poor health because I do nothing to look after myself. I am used to not being good at work, and for people working against me. I am used to failed relationships, and bad situations. I am used to hurting people. I am used to nothing ever working out, and always having to go home, because every time I try and move away, I prove to everyone and myself at how useless I am and how much of a waste of space I can actually be. I am used to draining others of their resources and I am used to being a fickle, useless person.

I wanted to life detox because I think if I can balance karma and stop bad things happening then maybe I will be able to salvage the rest of the year. I was thinking however, that your new years eve usually reflects on how your year will turn out. And my new years was not good. So I may have jinxed my whole year. But if breaking the cycle of bad karma is just about being genuinely nice, then I will do whatever it takes to stop being selfish, self centered, arrogant, spiteful, bitchy, boastful and deceptive, and to clean up my act and my bad habits and my health and to treat people how I want to be treated, not lead people on and to be the nice person that I know somewhere deep down I actually once was.

This summer I will rebuild myself in that respect, along with all the other things. But at the moment, all I can do now is suffer. And I will let myself suffer, and will let myself jealously think about how much better off everyone else is in their lives, be it friends, colleagues, ex boyfriends or people you don't really know. Because they deserve better, and for now, I deserve to suffer.  

A Real Hero

former ghosts

thank you, and good night

In 2 weeks time I am going to undergo a full life detox. This time, I won't just detox my body, but will detox my mind and soul.

I am using the end of my tenancy as a milestone point. That's not to say that between now and then I am going to be wreckless. I'm not feeling too good at the moment, and I know why. It's a wake up call, to start living your life differently.

I am going to focus on cleaning my act up, making peace with karma, giving up bad vices and fixing my mind. I am going to understand emotions better, and clean the last year's slate of my relationship, and learn more about myself. I've learnt that I probably won't be in a relationship for a long time, but I don't mind; I'm not qualified to be in one at the moment

I was going to write more. Then I realised how much I bare on here, and I don't feel comfortable telling that much. I just want to write everything sometimes. I have it all bottled up, memorized throughout the day, ready to be typed up when I get in. But then I think, actually, it's not even that important.

You've heard it all before, when I say I want to change. I am always saying the same thing. Let's just leave it at that then, I won't speak of it on here ever again, and if I do change and become a better person, it will shine through on here. If not then, we all know I've got some problems.

But with what I intend to do this summer, the problems I do have will be solved, because my plans are to solve them all. I know now what I need to do.

Moody Feels Good

Okay, this is a mammoth entry coming up, written throughout the week, with extras. And everything else I need to empty out my brain. Luckily wrote about my party while I was still partying sunday afternoon, just after the last of the guests left, so I was in very high spirits and felt very satisfied. Today I don't feel so good, more cynical, more depressed, a combination of the come down combined with not feeling very well and bad weather. A few revelations also pound home how realistically mundane my life is supposed to be. Anyway... I shall proceed from what I started Sunday...

Plagued with the usual nightmares that come with staying over at ___'s I came to the conclusion that the party was doomed and that by the end of the night there would be a distinct chance that we'd all be going to Hell. That, combined with having to go to work meant that I was feeling very annoyed and terrified.

Just when I thought that I was picking up on bad omens and warnings and being held back from valuable preparation time, thinking why didn't I just steal paper towels from work, things started to look up when ___ kindly agreed to go to Tescos and I was greeted by little brother outside my flat dressed as a woman for no apparent reason. 

I came to the conclusion at the end of the party that everything went well because, although initially disappointed by the people who dropped out last minute, I realised that if they had infact been present, then the party could of turned out horribly wrong. The people who didn't turn up were the ones I consider socially awkward, or the ones who just don't like parties but feel obliged to come because I bribed or emotionally blackmailed them. So the good thing about last night was not only was it the perfect ending to one of the most stressful times ever, and also a celebration of leaving this cursed flat. Basically, by a certain point, more or less everyone was operating on some sort of mood enhancer, which basically enabled a very uninhibited atmosphere, and elevated everyone onto the same social and happy level. 

By the end of the party I bonded with the 'boys', who belong to Bethan and Arran. I was talking to them about girls, and ended up being asked to write down advice for them. I found this bitterly ironic. But I thought it would be a good book idea, if this social experiment I am conducting works. I found it interesting how much I've changed in terms of dating, and meeting people. I realised, through talking just subjectively to them, that it's not hard for me to meet people, because I talk to anyone, anywhere, and therefore could work on that alone. I no longer follow a prescribed pattern of conversation in order to chat someone up, and then realised that this sort of thing is probably a huge no-no these days. In America, it's common to just ask someone out on a date or whatever, but here, it's requires a lot more personality, and wit, and I think it's just not as easy and predictable as anywhere else. I don't know. My point is, you can't just expect to get someone interested by following a set pattern of questions, and no girl wants to answer the questions 'what do you do for a living and do you like it?' in a social situation. Because work is the last thing you probably want to be thinking about, and let's face it, we all hate our jobs. 

Anyway, I am helping this one guy out and I told him to keep me updated but to follow my advice. No looking in her direction they coyly looking away. No asking if she wants to go for a coffee. All I said to him so far was to make sure she knows who he is by seeing him being popular and nice to everyone in the classroom or whatever, and to maybe say hi to her once, but to treat it as insignificant. You need to make it look like you really don't care. Then she might get interested. Asking her questions that indicate you are 'interested' does just that, and isn't a good basis to start on if you want something lasting. You need to let your personality do it for you, and it will, if it is supposed to be. It all made sense to me as I talked to him, and I felt like at the same time I was realising that I had come a long way in the world of dating and all that stuff, yet he seemed baffled at me, because I was disagreeing with everything he said he thought he should be doing. I just hope I am not giving him bad advice. 

I think how it's relevent to me now is that I hear so many people say things like 'looking for a boyfriend' and people like myself have got into relationships that haven't worked, or want relationships to try and make them work on the wrong basis. What I am trying to say is, there is no point looking because it doesn't happen that way. If you really want to meet the right person then it will happen when it is supposed to happen, when you are being yourself, and not trying to attract anyone, and someone will be attracted to you, and you will to them, and it will all align perfectly. Or something..

I want to write more, about detoxing my life, about fashion, about future plans, but I am not having a good week and it's not going to get any better. Nor will next week. In fact, the rest of this month is probably going to be really hard. And as long as I am still attached to that flat, and it's draining me of any bit of money, then I am in a bad way. I just can't wait to get out of there, because when I am, that's it, that's that final part of my life over and that chapter is closed. I think I will finally feel like I have moved on from all the shit after that flat is cleared out and it's history. But for now, I've got about 2 weeks more to endure, and it's not going to be easy.

It's hard to keep positive during times like this. It's easy to imagine it being so much nicer and easier for someone else, and you take it out on yourself. But then you realise that it's just another week in another month of another year of your life. Next month, who knows what could happen. I want to keep doing things but no longer going to plan things. I just know the future will be very different from now on. I'm going to really assess everything after this flat and move on in more ways than you think. 

don't give up your day job

Well I didn't get the job but I have to admit, I kind of knew I wouldn't - not just because of the things I felt I screwed up on during the interview but because I just don't think I am ready and experienced for a job like that right now. But the interview was experience in itself, because without going, then I would of never of known what to expect. So I feel prepared now, to get a job with an airline, from having that interview. The experience I gained was so valuable. I had absolutely no idea really what to expect despite the preparation and research I did. But I wanted, if anything, to just see what it was all about, and I applied for British Airways because I thought, if I am just going to give this sort of thing a shot, I may as well start from the top and apply for the best.

Anyway, here is how the day went - with where I went wrong (I think):

Arrival

I arrived at the centre and was given a badge with my name on it. I immediately sat with a group of people also there for the interview and chatted to them, small talk, but throughout the day I got to know these people well. Sounds corny, but by the end of the day I felt like I'd made some real friendships, probably because it's such an intense, emotional sort of thing to do, you instinctively become supportive of these people but feel you need them to support you. Everyone was really nice. And I met a guy there also who was particularly nice, called George. We added each other on Facebook, I suppose nothing would ever happen from anything, but we definitely kept catching each other's eye. It was nice just to stay in touch with one person, as it was nice to find out he got the job. I hope it's everything he hopes it to be.

Presentation and Exam

It was here where I realised the full extent of how difficult not just getting this job is but actually doing this job. I wasn't being defeatist, I'm up for a challenge anywhere, but I realised that maybe working in Lush for the last 2 years hasn't really given me the adequate skills and experience to deal with the stress or pressure of a job like this. The exam, which I had be fretting over, was very simple.

Group discussion

We were put into groups of 4 and 5 and had to plan over a table a uniform for a imaginary company, with all these guidelines and rules, which made it very hard for me to follow, but the activity was only there for them to assess how you interacted with other people. I made sure I didn't cut anyone off and listened intently to other's opinions. I was distracted though because of two things.

Mistake 1 - I didn't turn my phone off, probably the most ridiculous and careless mistake you could ever make, and received two loud text messages. My heart sank. And because of that I lost my trail of thought and concentration so didn't contribute too well towards the end.

Mistake 2 - I couldn't see the sheet we were all working from at one point so I leant over to look and the assessor told me to sit down because we weren't allowed to move from our seats. Very embarrassing. So by now I was thinking 'yeah, i'm not gonna get this job on that basis alone'. Stupid Andrew, can't even sit still.

Roleplay

I thought the role play went okay. Not brilliant but not terrible. I had to play the role of a waiter dealing with a customer's complaint which was complex and made even more confusing with all these rules on a sheet that I was too nervous to fully take in. It was good though. I smiled, I then made sure I took the complaint seriously, I was apologetic on behalf of the company, offered complementary drinks and 'bread basket' (I just had to pull something out my ass here, because the role play guy, in character, was really pissed off and did a really good job at being pissed off).

Mistake 3 - cocked up by offering substitute meal for discount price when really that's not allowed. I am so used to just letting people have things for cheap so they don't moan that I have lost concept of actual rules.

Mistake 4 - I got scared and actually lost face because I panicked and did that face where you're sort of like 'shiiiit!' like when I had to deal with that double booked party. It was pure horror.

Interview and PA Practice

I was most scared about making this personal announcement, which was weird, because it was the one thing I did the best on, and I read it perfectly. I forgot how much I like reading aloud. And I can sound pretty nice when I try! The interview was good to start with, I answered my questions promptly and precisely with all the best answers I'd came up with before.

Mistake 5 - I hadn't prepared for questions that really involved situations at work, and found it exceedingly difficult to come up with examples, especially from my current job, without making things up. You see, not a lot happens at Lush, the days are simple and easy and people are generally quite nice. I could of thought of some things, if I had prepared that, but I hadn't, so I really let myself down there.


So there you have it. Like I said, I'm not sad, I am really glad I got the chance to have an interview just so I now know what to expect with other future jobs. It made me realise how difficult it is for me now to get a 'proper' job and how I would like to move from where I work and live now, for something with a bit more structure, rules, a uniform, and something that will bring me a bit more further down to earth, and that I will enjoy and be paid more for. I now feel I've had that push, and I am really excited about applying for more jobs, and making myself a new person.

I want to write more about other things now. I'm having a party this weekend, and I am in desperate need of a detox, and I am just knackered but I am happy so I guess it can all wait. Hope you're having a good week. Have a fun weekend!

save up all the days, a routine malaise, just like yesterday, i told you i would stay

have you ever had a dream that you're in love with someone.. they don't exist in your real life, but in your dream they are completely real, but in your dream they go away? and when you wake up you miss them, you want them back, and you lie there feeling sad, yet...they were never real?