Plagued with the usual nightmares that come with staying over at ___'s I came to the conclusion that the party was doomed and that by the end of the night there would be a distinct chance that we'd all be going to Hell. That, combined with having to go to work meant that I was feeling very annoyed and terrified.
Just when I thought that I was picking up on bad omens and warnings and being held back from valuable preparation time, thinking why didn't I just steal paper towels from work, things started to look up when ___ kindly agreed to go to Tescos and I was greeted by little brother outside my flat dressed as a woman for no apparent reason.
I came to the conclusion at the end of the party that everything went well because, although initially disappointed by the people who dropped out last minute, I realised that if they had infact been present, then the party could of turned out horribly wrong. The people who didn't turn up were the ones I consider socially awkward, or the ones who just don't like parties but feel obliged to come because I bribed or emotionally blackmailed them. So the good thing about last night was not only was it the perfect ending to one of the most stressful times ever, and also a celebration of leaving this cursed flat. Basically, by a certain point, more or less everyone was operating on some sort of mood enhancer, which basically enabled a very uninhibited atmosphere, and elevated everyone onto the same social and happy level.
By the end of the party I bonded with the 'boys', who belong to Bethan and Arran. I was talking to them about girls, and ended up being asked to write down advice for them. I found this bitterly ironic. But I thought it would be a good book idea, if this social experiment I am conducting works. I found it interesting how much I've changed in terms of dating, and meeting people. I realised, through talking just subjectively to them, that it's not hard for me to meet people, because I talk to anyone, anywhere, and therefore could work on that alone. I no longer follow a prescribed pattern of conversation in order to chat someone up, and then realised that this sort of thing is probably a huge no-no these days. In America, it's common to just ask someone out on a date or whatever, but here, it's requires a lot more personality, and wit, and I think it's just not as easy and predictable as anywhere else. I don't know. My point is, you can't just expect to get someone interested by following a set pattern of questions, and no girl wants to answer the questions 'what do you do for a living and do you like it?' in a social situation. Because work is the last thing you probably want to be thinking about, and let's face it, we all hate our jobs.
Anyway, I am helping this one guy out and I told him to keep me updated but to follow my advice. No looking in her direction they coyly looking away. No asking if she wants to go for a coffee. All I said to him so far was to make sure she knows who he is by seeing him being popular and nice to everyone in the classroom or whatever, and to maybe say hi to her once, but to treat it as insignificant. You need to make it look like you really don't care. Then she might get interested. Asking her questions that indicate you are 'interested' does just that, and isn't a good basis to start on if you want something lasting. You need to let your personality do it for you, and it will, if it is supposed to be. It all made sense to me as I talked to him, and I felt like at the same time I was realising that I had come a long way in the world of dating and all that stuff, yet he seemed baffled at me, because I was disagreeing with everything he said he thought he should be doing. I just hope I am not giving him bad advice.
I think how it's relevent to me now is that I hear so many people say things like 'looking for a boyfriend' and people like myself have got into relationships that haven't worked, or want relationships to try and make them work on the wrong basis. What I am trying to say is, there is no point looking because it doesn't happen that way. If you really want to meet the right person then it will happen when it is supposed to happen, when you are being yourself, and not trying to attract anyone, and someone will be attracted to you, and you will to them, and it will all align perfectly. Or something..
I want to write more, about detoxing my life, about fashion, about future plans, but I am not having a good week and it's not going to get any better. Nor will next week. In fact, the rest of this month is probably going to be really hard. And as long as I am still attached to that flat, and it's draining me of any bit of money, then I am in a bad way. I just can't wait to get out of there, because when I am, that's it, that's that final part of my life over and that chapter is closed. I think I will finally feel like I have moved on from all the shit after that flat is cleared out and it's history. But for now, I've got about 2 weeks more to endure, and it's not going to be easy.
It's hard to keep positive during times like this. It's easy to imagine it being so much nicer and easier for someone else, and you take it out on yourself. But then you realise that it's just another week in another month of another year of your life. Next month, who knows what could happen. I want to keep doing things but no longer going to plan things. I just know the future will be very different from now on. I'm going to really assess everything after this flat and move on in more ways than you think.
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