Let*s suffer

I guess I find it hard to stay positive sometimes, and that's only normal. I'm allowed these moments of weakness, especially when I have been optimistic and strong for the most part. But I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve all that has happened so far this year. Then I realise what it is that I have done that has warranted this bad luck onto me: lies, deception, jealousy, revenge, gossip, just plain nastiness, bitchiness, disrespect, arrogance, spite...

When someone tells me how nice I am, I tell them I am not. They think I am being modest. But I don't believe in modesty. If I was so nice then I wouldn't be suffering now. If I was so nice then I wouldn't of made the mistakes that I made before, and continue to make, and if I was so nice then I wouldn't of been targeted and plotted against. So, within the rules of karma, I deserve everything I get.

There's something strangely reassuring though about feeling like this, and not in a self pitying kind of way. It's a bit like when you have no money left in your account, so in a way, you feel more secure because you know exactly where you stand with the bank. I think it's the fact that I am completely aware and sure of my life and how my feelings are in it right now. I know what is rational and what is just silly when thinking about things. I try not to compare myself to others. I don't ask why everyone else seems to be having such a great time, because I know why they are.

It's almost like an identity, a position, or a place I have accepted for myself. I am almost used to it. I am used to it. I'm used to not getting what I want, and souping up what I think I've got to pretend to others I am not doing without. I am used to having poor health because I do nothing to look after myself. I am used to not being good at work, and for people working against me. I am used to failed relationships, and bad situations. I am used to hurting people. I am used to nothing ever working out, and always having to go home, because every time I try and move away, I prove to everyone and myself at how useless I am and how much of a waste of space I can actually be. I am used to draining others of their resources and I am used to being a fickle, useless person.

I wanted to life detox because I think if I can balance karma and stop bad things happening then maybe I will be able to salvage the rest of the year. I was thinking however, that your new years eve usually reflects on how your year will turn out. And my new years was not good. So I may have jinxed my whole year. But if breaking the cycle of bad karma is just about being genuinely nice, then I will do whatever it takes to stop being selfish, self centered, arrogant, spiteful, bitchy, boastful and deceptive, and to clean up my act and my bad habits and my health and to treat people how I want to be treated, not lead people on and to be the nice person that I know somewhere deep down I actually once was.

This summer I will rebuild myself in that respect, along with all the other things. But at the moment, all I can do now is suffer. And I will let myself suffer, and will let myself jealously think about how much better off everyone else is in their lives, be it friends, colleagues, ex boyfriends or people you don't really know. Because they deserve better, and for now, I deserve to suffer.