Saturday Day Live

So after the beneficial binge and the 4 hour sleep I woke up feeling like a different person except this person had eyes sore like when you forget to take your contact lenses out before going to sleep. I decided a lot of things in bed and today felt determined not to only start living as that person but to get things done. I went to Zen and treated myself to candles and incense. I nearly bought a book in the Oxfam book shop. I remembered all the places I used to go with David. He bought me a book from there, two actually, both Winnie the Pooh. One was the House of Pooh Corner and the other was Now We Are Six. Anyway I bought the candles because they reminded me of ones you may see in American films, sort of long red candles in a long jar, with weird cryptic pictures on the side about success and finding your true love. A bit voodoo and witchy. I asked the very VERY sexy guy if they were Mexican, but as I looked at them I saw that they are products of 'Los Angeles, USA' to which I then said 'nearly'. I thought, I wonder if he knew I just meant it was sort of near Mexico, and I wasn't being racist. I've never been to Mexico obviously, but I imagine there is a lot of racial discrimination towards them in the southern parts of America. When I think of Mexico I think of limes, hats, sugar skulls, calacas show jelly and Salma Hayek.

I told the sexy guy I was going to Kings Heath for some reason which was a lie because I wasn't going there at all. I went back to my flat, dropped off the candles and went straight back out, and towards town. The walk to town was refreshing. My mind felt eerily clear and I wasn't bogged down with the depressing feeling of doom when I start thinking realistically. I felt free that I was thinking for myself, and when I started doing that, a lot of things I had decided on recently suddenly became void as my true self started to emerge from this mess and confusion. When I got to town I was confused, it was too busy, and Birmingham disgusts me slightly (i've become used to her). I went to H&M to look for Hayley, which was a bad idea as it was so busy. I did end up buying underwear as I am running low on pants, vests and socks. I bought blue vests this time, I thought they looked more French. I spent so long developing my new look for autumn winter, addled with drugs and pop culture that I realised that although I laugh at all these mini hipsters and all these fucking posers, I am on the same bandwagon as them. If anything, I am sort of in the front seat. I realised that I was choosing a style to show off to and fit in with people I don't like. I'm still looking for acceptance in this world, just now it's by habit. The wounds of adolescence never heal, but you get used to be being by yourself and liking it. So now on, I will wear clothes I simply think are 'nice'.

I then went on a mission for the rest of my stuff which was a kettle, some bathroom cleaner and the rest and went back through town the way I came. Some weird fashion show was playing in the bullring and the music was the harrowing soundtrack to the film Requiem for a Dream which just now reminds me of a horrible video made on youtube showing footage of the tsunami in Thailand, where they used the same song. Felt quite depressed after that, and so I called my mother on the way home, as I felt like I had been ignoring everyone (another symptom of the drugs). After I spoke to her, I felt that lately, or even this year, I must of come across as so weird to everyone. Walking home in the sunshine was reflective. I could see where people were coming from when they said they were worried about me, and I could see how I was behaving worryingly. I stopped off at Aldi which was the nicest part of the day, as its a supermarket that makes me feel like i'm visiting France or Germany, where I conveniently shopped alongside a sexy man who I thought was probably foreign because he would leave his trolley in a completely different aisle to get things where as I'd imagine an English person, protective, and paranoid to take the trolley with them everywhere. I walked the rest home, thinking about Aaron and thinking about how my new attitude to life helps with these situations. Why I'd want to change, get more tattoos, be a different person, to please and impress a man, who deep down, I don't like and who would probably consistently cheat on me. No conscience.

I got home and decided to air my washing outside like a washer woman where I finally started conversation with the mysterious slightly sexy neighbour who lives next to me, in the same building. I thought I heard something strange from the door below so he must of seen me from his window (which faces my patio) looking around bewildered. He waved at me so I waved back and dropped all my washing. He was motioning to me. He asked me if the music was too loud, then I realised the weird noise was his music, so I replied 'no it's fine, I thought it was a washing machine'. I felt a bit stupid after that, but he laughed. I noticed he was Australian. Not really mad on Australians, but what I am to say about anything. I'm sure he's the guy who drives the motorbike. I proceeded with my chores, doing things in a way that you do when you think you're being watched. Went out for my dinner, came back and watched Simpsons, with dinner on table, complete with candle and TV ahead. Felt like a certain scene from Amelie, which I will watch this morning. I went to bed quite early, considering I had 4 hours sleep and had walked miles in the day.

i don't want to live that way

Last night I nearly went back to That Place which I have decided now is the root of a fast developing full fledged drug addiction. I have been on it THREE times this week, and during a week that a) I shouldn't be spending my money on things that I simply don't need and b) a week which main aim is to sort out my new living space and tie up all the loose ends. I'm also at a part of my life that I recognise as a transition in terms of relationships, so I need to keep my mind healthy and free from those thoughts that can really destroy you. I think I conquered something last night. I made it through without feeling that my friends had purposely ignored me or not (it's irrelevent now if they had), but it gave me a chance to assess my situation now, when I went to bed in cocaine fuelled daze. And despite that, my mind was quite clear with my position. I am fairly worried but this morning I feel a lot more optimistic. And a lot more honest. Honest that yes, I may have a problem, but a problem that I can sort out myself if I do it now. And that my friends in question, are nice people, and I like them, but they aren't really my friends. There's no connection anymore. They are just people that I can get drugs off and I don't want them anymore. The sad thing is, they are all friends, and work, and do things together other than get high and go out. I am the one who now just comes round for the drugs, gets fucked up and does things I regret as a result of the influence. And it's obvious now, in so many ways, especially now that That Place has changed dynamically. The people who live there are different, and the real main reason why I used to go there is now gone, and with him not living there anymore, it's time to not go there again. 

I keep trying to soften the blow by saying that I'm going back to my 'organic' roots and will smoke weed to help come down off the binge ive been on since January. But I'm fooling myself. I think as tasty as it isn't, going cold turkey from today is the main priority. And who knows? I might smoke weed one day, and will probably do drugs again, but for the rest of this terrible year, I really deep down believe that the only mind altering thing I should be indulging in not too often is a couple of glasses of red and some nice chocolate. And I'm lucky, I moved out and have my own place. I should be finding the pleasure in making this place my own and appreciating my freedom, not fucking my life and mind up with drugs that make me paranoid and poor. I should be making myself look stunning, as I have the potential to not just scrub up well, but to look great all the time and to wear nice clothes. And to eat well, and spend my time productively, they're all things wasted when I get wasted. I don't even enjoy getting wasted anymore. it's just a symbol of my depression, an escape route. when i'm high i go on gaydar and chat to men for validation, go on tumblr to repost photos of myself and people i think look sexy, of a glossy popular fashionable lifestyle that at the moment I peer into, i'm furthest away from. A fantasy world, too lazy and depressed to make a reality, yet such a simple way to get there. 

I know in my last post i said this and that and that I wouldn't mention this again, but last night I realised in bed, when not being able to get more drugs was the worst thing, I felt like I overcame something. So today I'm going to get on with finalising this weeks jobs done, go to zen and treat myself to some candles and incense with the money I would of no doubt wasted on drugs, and clean my flat ready for my new stuff tomorrow.

just so u know

Nothing sorts a confused mind out like writing a blog post. It's like telling someone your plans for something just to make more sense of it yourself, you don't actually care if they're listening or not.

A lot has changed since the 17th August, which was my last post. I was besotted with a guy called Aaron, and I thought that I was incredibly happy with him. I was wrong. He broke up with me, but I guess in the long run he was doing us both a favour. I am still sad about it but nowhere near as awful feeling as I have been about other people. I put this down to the relationship being still new and short lived, the mistakes I made which I found embarrassing, my more rational attitude to life, positive thinking AND being incredibly busy. I just didn't have time to feel sorry for myself.

I don't really want to go into much more detail about that. In fact, I don't want to mention it at all. Or anything else that has happened because it's weird but I feel like even though so much has changed and is different, I am already sick of my life. I recently moved to Moseley, which is a sure way of moving in the right direction. Moving to Dickens Heath with my parents could of been one of the worst none-decisions of my life. I live on my own in a small studio apartment style flat in a converted Victorian house. I have my own little kitchen and bathroom and a main room to sleep and live in. I am learning to be patient, as I can't have it how I want it straight away of course. But I did buy a new futon today that turns into a sort of sofa, and on Saturday I will be receiving a huge rug, a microwave and the rest of my stuff from my parents. All I need now is a fridge, a freeze box, a kettle and some sort of transport method for work. I bought a bike off Sarah. It's not good though. I can see why she sold it me for 20 quid.

Work is going fine, much better now I feel more motivated and with it. Though I don't want to talk about work.

A fresh new start is upon me, and a new person I will become. I have the tools and the situation for it, so I am going to become that new person now. I just needed to write this quick update so everyone knows that I am no longer in a relationship or involved with anyone ever, and I no longer dwell or hang on to the past. I am over every single man I was ever in love with. I also need everyone to know that the hellish 8 month mental break down I suffered is also over. I still am recovering from a 'functioning' drug addiction but I am half way there. I no longer feel suicidal or self pitying and I am hoping to last out the rest of the year without going crazy. My hair is growing back and I am self certain once again. I am learning a lesson of patience, values and budgets and I am also teaching myself a lesson of respect and normality. The next time I post on here, it will be from the person of a new start and it will be about the present and my life, not the woes of the past or the hopeless hopes for the future.

Love, Andrew x