Saturday Day Live

So after the beneficial binge and the 4 hour sleep I woke up feeling like a different person except this person had eyes sore like when you forget to take your contact lenses out before going to sleep. I decided a lot of things in bed and today felt determined not to only start living as that person but to get things done. I went to Zen and treated myself to candles and incense. I nearly bought a book in the Oxfam book shop. I remembered all the places I used to go with David. He bought me a book from there, two actually, both Winnie the Pooh. One was the House of Pooh Corner and the other was Now We Are Six. Anyway I bought the candles because they reminded me of ones you may see in American films, sort of long red candles in a long jar, with weird cryptic pictures on the side about success and finding your true love. A bit voodoo and witchy. I asked the very VERY sexy guy if they were Mexican, but as I looked at them I saw that they are products of 'Los Angeles, USA' to which I then said 'nearly'. I thought, I wonder if he knew I just meant it was sort of near Mexico, and I wasn't being racist. I've never been to Mexico obviously, but I imagine there is a lot of racial discrimination towards them in the southern parts of America. When I think of Mexico I think of limes, hats, sugar skulls, calacas show jelly and Salma Hayek.

I told the sexy guy I was going to Kings Heath for some reason which was a lie because I wasn't going there at all. I went back to my flat, dropped off the candles and went straight back out, and towards town. The walk to town was refreshing. My mind felt eerily clear and I wasn't bogged down with the depressing feeling of doom when I start thinking realistically. I felt free that I was thinking for myself, and when I started doing that, a lot of things I had decided on recently suddenly became void as my true self started to emerge from this mess and confusion. When I got to town I was confused, it was too busy, and Birmingham disgusts me slightly (i've become used to her). I went to H&M to look for Hayley, which was a bad idea as it was so busy. I did end up buying underwear as I am running low on pants, vests and socks. I bought blue vests this time, I thought they looked more French. I spent so long developing my new look for autumn winter, addled with drugs and pop culture that I realised that although I laugh at all these mini hipsters and all these fucking posers, I am on the same bandwagon as them. If anything, I am sort of in the front seat. I realised that I was choosing a style to show off to and fit in with people I don't like. I'm still looking for acceptance in this world, just now it's by habit. The wounds of adolescence never heal, but you get used to be being by yourself and liking it. So now on, I will wear clothes I simply think are 'nice'.

I then went on a mission for the rest of my stuff which was a kettle, some bathroom cleaner and the rest and went back through town the way I came. Some weird fashion show was playing in the bullring and the music was the harrowing soundtrack to the film Requiem for a Dream which just now reminds me of a horrible video made on youtube showing footage of the tsunami in Thailand, where they used the same song. Felt quite depressed after that, and so I called my mother on the way home, as I felt like I had been ignoring everyone (another symptom of the drugs). After I spoke to her, I felt that lately, or even this year, I must of come across as so weird to everyone. Walking home in the sunshine was reflective. I could see where people were coming from when they said they were worried about me, and I could see how I was behaving worryingly. I stopped off at Aldi which was the nicest part of the day, as its a supermarket that makes me feel like i'm visiting France or Germany, where I conveniently shopped alongside a sexy man who I thought was probably foreign because he would leave his trolley in a completely different aisle to get things where as I'd imagine an English person, protective, and paranoid to take the trolley with them everywhere. I walked the rest home, thinking about Aaron and thinking about how my new attitude to life helps with these situations. Why I'd want to change, get more tattoos, be a different person, to please and impress a man, who deep down, I don't like and who would probably consistently cheat on me. No conscience.

I got home and decided to air my washing outside like a washer woman where I finally started conversation with the mysterious slightly sexy neighbour who lives next to me, in the same building. I thought I heard something strange from the door below so he must of seen me from his window (which faces my patio) looking around bewildered. He waved at me so I waved back and dropped all my washing. He was motioning to me. He asked me if the music was too loud, then I realised the weird noise was his music, so I replied 'no it's fine, I thought it was a washing machine'. I felt a bit stupid after that, but he laughed. I noticed he was Australian. Not really mad on Australians, but what I am to say about anything. I'm sure he's the guy who drives the motorbike. I proceeded with my chores, doing things in a way that you do when you think you're being watched. Went out for my dinner, came back and watched Simpsons, with dinner on table, complete with candle and TV ahead. Felt like a certain scene from Amelie, which I will watch this morning. I went to bed quite early, considering I had 4 hours sleep and had walked miles in the day.