i don't want to live that way

Last night I nearly went back to That Place which I have decided now is the root of a fast developing full fledged drug addiction. I have been on it THREE times this week, and during a week that a) I shouldn't be spending my money on things that I simply don't need and b) a week which main aim is to sort out my new living space and tie up all the loose ends. I'm also at a part of my life that I recognise as a transition in terms of relationships, so I need to keep my mind healthy and free from those thoughts that can really destroy you. I think I conquered something last night. I made it through without feeling that my friends had purposely ignored me or not (it's irrelevent now if they had), but it gave me a chance to assess my situation now, when I went to bed in cocaine fuelled daze. And despite that, my mind was quite clear with my position. I am fairly worried but this morning I feel a lot more optimistic. And a lot more honest. Honest that yes, I may have a problem, but a problem that I can sort out myself if I do it now. And that my friends in question, are nice people, and I like them, but they aren't really my friends. There's no connection anymore. They are just people that I can get drugs off and I don't want them anymore. The sad thing is, they are all friends, and work, and do things together other than get high and go out. I am the one who now just comes round for the drugs, gets fucked up and does things I regret as a result of the influence. And it's obvious now, in so many ways, especially now that That Place has changed dynamically. The people who live there are different, and the real main reason why I used to go there is now gone, and with him not living there anymore, it's time to not go there again. 

I keep trying to soften the blow by saying that I'm going back to my 'organic' roots and will smoke weed to help come down off the binge ive been on since January. But I'm fooling myself. I think as tasty as it isn't, going cold turkey from today is the main priority. And who knows? I might smoke weed one day, and will probably do drugs again, but for the rest of this terrible year, I really deep down believe that the only mind altering thing I should be indulging in not too often is a couple of glasses of red and some nice chocolate. And I'm lucky, I moved out and have my own place. I should be finding the pleasure in making this place my own and appreciating my freedom, not fucking my life and mind up with drugs that make me paranoid and poor. I should be making myself look stunning, as I have the potential to not just scrub up well, but to look great all the time and to wear nice clothes. And to eat well, and spend my time productively, they're all things wasted when I get wasted. I don't even enjoy getting wasted anymore. it's just a symbol of my depression, an escape route. when i'm high i go on gaydar and chat to men for validation, go on tumblr to repost photos of myself and people i think look sexy, of a glossy popular fashionable lifestyle that at the moment I peer into, i'm furthest away from. A fantasy world, too lazy and depressed to make a reality, yet such a simple way to get there. 

I know in my last post i said this and that and that I wouldn't mention this again, but last night I realised in bed, when not being able to get more drugs was the worst thing, I felt like I overcame something. So today I'm going to get on with finalising this weeks jobs done, go to zen and treat myself to some candles and incense with the money I would of no doubt wasted on drugs, and clean my flat ready for my new stuff tomorrow.