NOTHING REALLY MATTERS

I've got a proper date this Friday with a guy called Reiss. It has nothing to do with sex or celibacy. I think this guy might turn into something good. God I am so bi polar.

Today is my day off and I will be really depressed if I don't get a sufficient amount of chores done. That includes cleaning my disgusting mouldy bathroom, and cleaning the kitchen floor. It also includes going through my belongings and throwing away anything I really don't need or use. I need to find proper storage for the rest and I need to then sort out stuff like bills, letters, and arranging for the council to remove the bed from outside my flat.

I would say I feel pretty happy at the moment. There are moments where I reflectively feel bad but I don't feel depressed like I used to. I love how my current situation would make any normal person spiral into the depths of despair, but I feel getting away and being by myself has saved me. There is nothing more I like than to sit in on my own and feel completely undisturbed.

H&M are colloborating with Maison Martin Margiela. I would like that massive coat that looks like a quilt because I want to wear it round my flat and in bed. I also want some of those massive baggy trousers, a jacket, and that bag that looks like a packet or a wrapper or whatever, if they're doing it. I want something anyway. I better make sure I book that day off work.

post for life

So yesterday, my parents turn up, with new tea towels and tools to put up the frame of my futon. They know I can't put a futon frame or carry on like I am on my own. I need help no matter what I say. And it's true. While my mother cleaned my kitchen, in the way mothers do, making everything look immaculate so easily, I made coffees and we ate chocolate muffins and I had another bacon bagel and more orange juice. I was relieved that my ex from another era had gone, and was relieved also that I didn't let the whole thing get me down. It's made me realise how different I am, and how glad I am to be this different. I am no way as near as destructive as I was when I was younger, and I am not saying I am perfect, but I realised how much more of a decent person I have become, and I feel lucky that I am now rational and not as easily depressed by things. In fact, I shock myself at how positive I can be on something. I can recognise the two decisions I could take with how I felt after the complete fail of a hook-up with someone I used to know, and understood that my actions were that of remnant desperation for intimacy, acceptance and attention, but I automatically took the positive route to learn from it and use it to make myself a better person instead of what I would usually do which would be to wallow and pity myself and feel oh so unlucky in love. 

After the bed/sofa futon was assembled and the kitchen was cleaned and I had tidied round, I collected my clothes to be washed and accepted that my parents super luxurious apartment was just going to have to be that warm beacon I must use every now and then to keep my sanity topped up. In the car, on the way back, it was going dark and turning left at the crossroads in the middle of Moseley village towards Kings Heath took me past a Washeteria - a laundrette much nearer and nicer looking than the one I trapzed to last Wednesday and getting there to find out it was closed due to 'Half Day Wednesday'. The one we drove past was brightly lit and still open at 6 pm. It looked massive and bright. It sounds awfully sad, but when we drove past mom said 'oh is that the laundrette' and I said 'No! the one I go to is much further away' and felt so happy that I almost cried because now I knew that my days off wouldn't have an hour and a half struggling to Kings Heath looking like a tramp laden with bags of clothes, that I could go into Moseley and take me half the time and go to that cool coffee place while I wait. Or even just go home, and then go back with more stuff. I felt like things were all falling into place with everything, and that going back to my parents apartment for the night was a nice treat to look forward to.

At the apartment my washing was being put in to be done. There was a lot of it, and embarrassingly, underwear that was so rancid I wouldn't let my mom touch it. Some of it had been worn for days. I haven't had the chance to clean anything and I don't have a lot at the moment. I had a bath and began to read The Perks of Being a Wallflower again because the film has been released but this time I didn't enjoy the first few pages, it reminded me of a time and a place and then of a certain person that I just want to forget. It reminds me of hipsters and people with mild emotional problems who think everything is really unfair. It reminds me of Vans shoes with crap jeans and stupid sweaters from the early 90s. It reminds me of pathetic young people, despite it being a good book. 

After my bath we had dinner together, and even the cat joined in and had a bite. The pork chops were so succulent, and the new steak knives so sharp, that cutting into the chops was like slicing butter. Everything was delicious, and the greens were vibrant. I have lacked health and so these days, greens are a treat! I eat pizza's, doughnuts and sugary sweets every day. Sometimes that's all I eat. At work I only drink tea. I feel tea is what helps me get through the day. I'd like to start drinking mineral water instead. Or at least herbal tea with honey. I want my health to become more of a priority alongside work. 

I watched some of Downton Abbey after dinner, which seemed dull and unoriginal, like something down the road from Gosford Park. I wasn't paying attention and played on the iPad. My mom then bought me a fridge online which is going to be delivered on Wednesday. Then she gave me 50 pounds for the wooden bamboo style clothes rail I want from the Futon Company. I am not going to argue or say no, this time I am just going to let them help me. 

I then read about my starsign forecasts for the year and for the month. Apparently Saturn has just left Libra under my sign, where it has been for the past 3 years. This apparently is BAD. Or was bad. Anyway, things are going to get a lot easier for me from now on and won't expect difficulty like I have done for the last 3 years until 2039. Phew. As for love, well, apparently I could meet someone in October or November, but the chances aren't too high. I'm fine with that. It said that you're most likely going to be find love through involvement at work, and I unless I suddenly turn for Kyle, I can't really see myself with a dumpy, immature 16 year old. Errr definitely no.

one hand loves the other so much on me

I've decided that for the remainder of the year I am going to be mostly a hermit and hibernate and focus on the following things:

1. Performing well and doing my best at work

2. Making myself look nice again

3. Health

4. Flat

5. Restoring the balance of karma and doing good things

6. Finding out who I really am, discovering my true self and becoming my real self


Today I realised I have a surprisingly positive outlook on life and don't get generally lonely easily. What upsets and bothers me really is the reflection, at my age, of how badly all my relationships have been, on myself. When I dwell on everyone in the past, it makes me very depressed, so I now have to stop thinking about these people, and avoid anything which will remind me of them. Time is a healer, so I need to have faith in it and keep my mind occupied with the things listed above.

During my hermit time, I'm going to root myself here in the flat to really make it feel like my home. I hate not feeling like I belong anywhere. I've made a hermit playlist of cozy, home reminding songs and songs that you put on during a night in. I'm going to practice recipes that are comforting and nourishing, to help improve my skills in the kitchen and my health, which has suffered greatly this year, especially during this move. I am going to gradually make this flat into a home, and have decided that the colour red will be the colour to focus on, as it represents passion, strength, warmth and love. I am going to get myself back to looking healthy and normal and get back into a natural routine of looking after my skin and hair, and my body. I am trashing all stupid ideas of trends and fashions and tattoos, as I've realised that again I am deciding on things to show off to others rather than to please myself. Deep down, I don't care if people think I am cool, it's if they think I look nice which is important, and I want to hopefully attract a man who thinks how I look isn't all there is to me from how I look (if that makes sense). From and through that, I want to explore and realise the good person that I am and who that person really is, and whether the ways I am living my life now are out of date, or are things I am clinging to from the past. Maybe I should let go, and really discover who I am now, and not be ashamed to admit that I am not a party animal or a social butterfly anymore. Maybe not 'fitting in' with the general crowd isn't a bad thing. One thing I've noticed when thinking as myself in this now moment is that I like being on my own.. A LOT.

ultimately I want to do good and I want to be a nice and good person. I've slagged a lot of people off this year, haven't learnt from mistakes and have been a bad person, so I want to balance my karma out. I am looking forward to it all.

update
Sunday 14th October

Last night confirmed most definitely the end of any involvement of men I should have now for at least the rest of the year. Recently I got in touch with an ex boyfriend from about 11 years ago. We chatted online, and I would be lying if I wasn't spurred on by the fact that I did used to find him sexually attractive. We have always kept in touch since we met, despite me ending it with him when I was still only 17 and he was 21 because he had done drugs. The irony of that obviously is that I was the one who went down the drugs route after we broke up. We met up I think twice maybe between when we split up 11 years ago and before this weekend, and it was always for sex because we knew there was still this attraction and we always ended up getting drunk and having a good time. I guess that combined with the fact that I am far more comfortable having casual sex with someone I know well and have already been involved with romantically meant that after talking to him this week, and what seemed like reaching out to something hopeful, and opening up about how I feel with men and relationships right now (an alien, rejection, etc), I had this weird idea of hope that we were going to hit it off again. Or at least, we would meet up, we would have great sex and a bit of drink and it would be easy going, beneficial. I was convinced of this, as we both complimented each other online at how much neither of us have seemed to of changed, though apparently I have a little bit more than he has.

I've changed. Apparently I've changed. Yes I have changed. I am always changing it seems. I'm not actually sure if he has or not, but I don't remember him being so boarish and stupid. I don't remember him being so stupidly annoying, with the same incessant stupid questions, and the lack of understanding in conversations which might actually have some sort of depth. The sex was terrible. He couldn't get it up for the majority and from what I remembered was a good sized nicely formed penis was now a semi flaccid piece which just woudln't...work. We got take away, which I paid for. I wanted to get Domino's, but he insisted on a cheap one, as 'they're all the same', and I ended up getting sent what I tasted like an onion pizza: disgusting. The drinks we bought on the way home to mine ended up tasting cheap and sticky, and he clumsily spilt the rum over himself every now and then, leaving now permanent stains on two places on my new futon. He was generally clumsy, and stupid, and broke a coathanger by standing on it, after knocking off all my jackets hanging off a door frame (i am lacking a wardrobe), but instead of hanging them back, just dumping them half on a chair. I woke up in the morning disgusted with myself, sticky from bad lube and rum, on what looked like some fuck mattress in a squat, my mouth furry, surrounded by a moat of nasty smelling half finished drinks and pizza boxes. He attempted to fuck me again, but failed. I thought he could of got it up at least in the morning, but no, it was worse. I'm beginning to think it's actually me, even though it's not. I can see how people get paranoid. I reckon we tried to have sex 5 times, failing every time, and when that happens, you can't be patient and let it pass with a shrug. It's awkward, embarrassing, and for me, I start to wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? It's like some kind of punishment, for even toying with the idea I might be able to have even just 'OK' sex or develop something meaningful with someone. And for that assumption all I am offered is an impotent, stupid guy who I don't even remember anymore who thinks the Co-op is 'posh'.

In the morning he resumed drinking, and finished off the rest of this bottle of spiced rum, which made him smell unsavoury and weird, like an alcoholly bad breath sort of smell surrounding him. He became really annoying, drunk, repeating himself with misunderstandings, insistant that I 'stop putting myself down' for some reason, spazzing out to shit trance, and pissed all over my toilet seat, and openly belching like some gassy mess drinker. At one point he even started drunkenly hicupping. There was nothing he did or said that could of been redeeming. I eventually just had to tell him to fuck off. I sat there afterwards, contemplating how low I had gone, and realised that this is it now, I have to really seriously hide away now, if I want to learn the lessons sent to me from my relationship experiences between the spring of 2010 and NOW. Hopefully, this weekend is the final lesson. Not sure what the lesson is exactly from this horrid escapade, there is probably more than one lesson, but I will be definitely thinking about it from now on, and not involving myself with anyone from my past present or future, old or new. I have to accept that for some reason, the stars are telling me that you really need to assess what has happened over these last couple of years, as I will benefit greatly from it. I need to listen.

so anyway, I'm growing a beard this week. I am growing everything out, and fixing everything on and around me. One of the reasons behind this new found hermit lifestyle is to do something about the way I look. I look awful. Hair is at that awkward growing out length, skin is dull and dry, i've lost weight and my teeth are stained. I look older. I look tired. None of my clothes are clean because I haven't had a chance to clean them. Everything is foul. So on that basis alone, I am hiding away, sorting it out, and getting my life sorted. It needs sorting out. It always needs sorting out, but I am more automatic these days. I miss certain people. They made me feel good about myself. I miss a certain man, who used to make me feel like that. I can't imagine anyone liking me like he did ever again, not like this, and as I sit here on this mattress in this room, I imagine the smirks on his face if he could see me now, from his place at the top, at me, surrounded by failure and dirty underwear.