one hand loves the other so much on me

I've decided that for the remainder of the year I am going to be mostly a hermit and hibernate and focus on the following things:

1. Performing well and doing my best at work

2. Making myself look nice again

3. Health

4. Flat

5. Restoring the balance of karma and doing good things

6. Finding out who I really am, discovering my true self and becoming my real self


Today I realised I have a surprisingly positive outlook on life and don't get generally lonely easily. What upsets and bothers me really is the reflection, at my age, of how badly all my relationships have been, on myself. When I dwell on everyone in the past, it makes me very depressed, so I now have to stop thinking about these people, and avoid anything which will remind me of them. Time is a healer, so I need to have faith in it and keep my mind occupied with the things listed above.

During my hermit time, I'm going to root myself here in the flat to really make it feel like my home. I hate not feeling like I belong anywhere. I've made a hermit playlist of cozy, home reminding songs and songs that you put on during a night in. I'm going to practice recipes that are comforting and nourishing, to help improve my skills in the kitchen and my health, which has suffered greatly this year, especially during this move. I am going to gradually make this flat into a home, and have decided that the colour red will be the colour to focus on, as it represents passion, strength, warmth and love. I am going to get myself back to looking healthy and normal and get back into a natural routine of looking after my skin and hair, and my body. I am trashing all stupid ideas of trends and fashions and tattoos, as I've realised that again I am deciding on things to show off to others rather than to please myself. Deep down, I don't care if people think I am cool, it's if they think I look nice which is important, and I want to hopefully attract a man who thinks how I look isn't all there is to me from how I look (if that makes sense). From and through that, I want to explore and realise the good person that I am and who that person really is, and whether the ways I am living my life now are out of date, or are things I am clinging to from the past. Maybe I should let go, and really discover who I am now, and not be ashamed to admit that I am not a party animal or a social butterfly anymore. Maybe not 'fitting in' with the general crowd isn't a bad thing. One thing I've noticed when thinking as myself in this now moment is that I like being on my own.. A LOT.

ultimately I want to do good and I want to be a nice and good person. I've slagged a lot of people off this year, haven't learnt from mistakes and have been a bad person, so I want to balance my karma out. I am looking forward to it all.

update
Sunday 14th October

Last night confirmed most definitely the end of any involvement of men I should have now for at least the rest of the year. Recently I got in touch with an ex boyfriend from about 11 years ago. We chatted online, and I would be lying if I wasn't spurred on by the fact that I did used to find him sexually attractive. We have always kept in touch since we met, despite me ending it with him when I was still only 17 and he was 21 because he had done drugs. The irony of that obviously is that I was the one who went down the drugs route after we broke up. We met up I think twice maybe between when we split up 11 years ago and before this weekend, and it was always for sex because we knew there was still this attraction and we always ended up getting drunk and having a good time. I guess that combined with the fact that I am far more comfortable having casual sex with someone I know well and have already been involved with romantically meant that after talking to him this week, and what seemed like reaching out to something hopeful, and opening up about how I feel with men and relationships right now (an alien, rejection, etc), I had this weird idea of hope that we were going to hit it off again. Or at least, we would meet up, we would have great sex and a bit of drink and it would be easy going, beneficial. I was convinced of this, as we both complimented each other online at how much neither of us have seemed to of changed, though apparently I have a little bit more than he has.

I've changed. Apparently I've changed. Yes I have changed. I am always changing it seems. I'm not actually sure if he has or not, but I don't remember him being so boarish and stupid. I don't remember him being so stupidly annoying, with the same incessant stupid questions, and the lack of understanding in conversations which might actually have some sort of depth. The sex was terrible. He couldn't get it up for the majority and from what I remembered was a good sized nicely formed penis was now a semi flaccid piece which just woudln't...work. We got take away, which I paid for. I wanted to get Domino's, but he insisted on a cheap one, as 'they're all the same', and I ended up getting sent what I tasted like an onion pizza: disgusting. The drinks we bought on the way home to mine ended up tasting cheap and sticky, and he clumsily spilt the rum over himself every now and then, leaving now permanent stains on two places on my new futon. He was generally clumsy, and stupid, and broke a coathanger by standing on it, after knocking off all my jackets hanging off a door frame (i am lacking a wardrobe), but instead of hanging them back, just dumping them half on a chair. I woke up in the morning disgusted with myself, sticky from bad lube and rum, on what looked like some fuck mattress in a squat, my mouth furry, surrounded by a moat of nasty smelling half finished drinks and pizza boxes. He attempted to fuck me again, but failed. I thought he could of got it up at least in the morning, but no, it was worse. I'm beginning to think it's actually me, even though it's not. I can see how people get paranoid. I reckon we tried to have sex 5 times, failing every time, and when that happens, you can't be patient and let it pass with a shrug. It's awkward, embarrassing, and for me, I start to wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? It's like some kind of punishment, for even toying with the idea I might be able to have even just 'OK' sex or develop something meaningful with someone. And for that assumption all I am offered is an impotent, stupid guy who I don't even remember anymore who thinks the Co-op is 'posh'.

In the morning he resumed drinking, and finished off the rest of this bottle of spiced rum, which made him smell unsavoury and weird, like an alcoholly bad breath sort of smell surrounding him. He became really annoying, drunk, repeating himself with misunderstandings, insistant that I 'stop putting myself down' for some reason, spazzing out to shit trance, and pissed all over my toilet seat, and openly belching like some gassy mess drinker. At one point he even started drunkenly hicupping. There was nothing he did or said that could of been redeeming. I eventually just had to tell him to fuck off. I sat there afterwards, contemplating how low I had gone, and realised that this is it now, I have to really seriously hide away now, if I want to learn the lessons sent to me from my relationship experiences between the spring of 2010 and NOW. Hopefully, this weekend is the final lesson. Not sure what the lesson is exactly from this horrid escapade, there is probably more than one lesson, but I will be definitely thinking about it from now on, and not involving myself with anyone from my past present or future, old or new. I have to accept that for some reason, the stars are telling me that you really need to assess what has happened over these last couple of years, as I will benefit greatly from it. I need to listen.

so anyway, I'm growing a beard this week. I am growing everything out, and fixing everything on and around me. One of the reasons behind this new found hermit lifestyle is to do something about the way I look. I look awful. Hair is at that awkward growing out length, skin is dull and dry, i've lost weight and my teeth are stained. I look older. I look tired. None of my clothes are clean because I haven't had a chance to clean them. Everything is foul. So on that basis alone, I am hiding away, sorting it out, and getting my life sorted. It needs sorting out. It always needs sorting out, but I am more automatic these days. I miss certain people. They made me feel good about myself. I miss a certain man, who used to make me feel like that. I can't imagine anyone liking me like he did ever again, not like this, and as I sit here on this mattress in this room, I imagine the smirks on his face if he could see me now, from his place at the top, at me, surrounded by failure and dirty underwear.