1. bat for lashes - all my gold
2. purity ring - belispeak
3. gotye - somebody i used to know
This song haunted me for most of the year, and I spent the year avoiding it, walking out of bars and shops if it was on, literally covering my ears if I heard it because of what it represents to me.
4. grimes - genesis
one of those songs I over played this year. I believe this song helped me, chronically, through a long and tough part of my life. I put a lot of pressure on this song.
5. whitney houston - i will always love you
left on my playlist by someone who communicated me with songs
5. vive le fete - noir desir
J'ai un espirit trouble - a troubled song for a troubled boy
7. jane wiedlin - rush hour
I heard this song on the radio while in the IOW and remember it from somewhere and listened to it loads the weekend Aaron and I became 'official'
8. lana del rey - video games
heaven is a place on earth with you
i don't really like lana del rey but this song langurously lingered during the year giving a rose tinted false idea of summer and memories
9. beat connection - palace garden 4am
catchy song I heard at the hairdressers the day I ruined my hair. It cheered me up and I looked forward to getting up in the morning to play it loud while I was in the shower
10. ducksauce - big bad wolf
summer, pussy palace, going on all night and all day, to this ridiculous song. we used to dance around in the bar room to this.
11. foster the people - pumped up kicks
12. class actress - keep you
13. Louis Benton - weekend offender
this song reminds me of new friends I made this summer, chic, jackin house and feeling good in a crowded club
14. Hannah Wants - you want me
15. tamion 12 inch - camera
this is one of my favourite songs anyway, but this year while partying with my brother and hanging out at pussy palace, i found it on youtube, with this video made using photos of the duckface girl, showing how even with loads of the same photos show that this girl poses the same in every fucking picture, and on drugs, it's a really disturbing video.
16. beyonce - why don't you love me?
greg played this before our holiday
17. Maroon 5- moves like jagger
i hate this song but it reminds me of my holiday and greg's parents were obsessed with it. seriously! so by the end of the holiday, i was so drunk i was happy to dance to it.
18. KD Lang miss chatelaine
The song I requested the most on holiday! It made me daydream of Santi sweeping me off my feet and taking me away
19. abba - waterloo
the song I performed a dance to for all my holiday friends
20. harry belafonte - day-o
another song I performed a dance to, this time, the dance form Beetlejuice, much to the delight of the people in the bar
21. summer camp = better off without you
Reunited with this song when the lyrics seemed to match my relationship with my ex - 'stop calling me late at night'
22. aska - love trance
the sunniness of this song seemed to make me remember of the sunlight streaming into my flat during a coke trance in the spring
23. sugarcubes/diana vikers - hit
was hit by this song, when i realised it was a bjork song also
24. rammstein - du riechst sehr gut
love the technoness of this song, played on the shop floor this year
25. The Irrepressibles - tears of a clown (rexrexrex remix)
one of the songs played by Mark, reminds me of Halloween and times with Mark! a happy sad song.
26. Peaches - Fuck the Pain Away (Tits n Clits remix)
stuck on repeat until i turned it off on holiday in IOW
27. Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
Cam's favourite
28. Desire - Under Your Spell
I used to listen to this endlessly, literally waiting for time to heal
29. College - Can I Kiss You First
name of my tumblr, favourite college song
30. Roisin Murphy - Tell Everybody
did it make it harder or easier, that spring and summer, with people walking past my shop, when this played?
i almost remember your face, but its fading, its fading fast
31. Crossover - Black Mess
G4 Man sinema sample in a song i would listen to while i stared at myself in the mirror stoned out my face... the dark sounds suit the dark end of this year
32. Crytal Castles - Telepath
ravey song from new album which will define end of 2012
33. The Waterboys - The Whole of the Moon
new favourite song of all time, i feel helps describe my attitude to life from the point of view of someone else trying to keep up with me
34. Frankmusik - Done Done
a song that wrenched and weighed me down wondering what someone was doing now he was gone
35. Nightfoxxx - The Shape of things to Come
shape of things to come...
36. Mark Farina featuring Sean Hayes - Dream Machine
makes me excited to be done with this year
37. Dj Touche - waskeburt
party song of one of the last weekends of the year
38. the presets - down down down
indie shit
39. Temper Trap - where do we go from here?
40. Florence + the Machine - Remain Nameless
this made me think of someone during a time where i could only imagine his pain and there was nothing more I could do, it was just them on their own, and this song was like a message to them from me
Sunday, 30 December 2012
End of Year QUIZ
1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before? I moved out to live by myself on my own
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I always make new resolutions but I never remember to keep them. I guess I just resolve to be a better person, to do good things for people, and to strive to be a good person. My health is pretty important this year and stopping addictive patterns.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I knew about
4. Did anyone close to you die? Sam Dixon, a friend of mine from Manchester
5. What countries did you visit? Menorca (Spain)
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Stability in my life, a hand to help others through their lives, good causes to live for, productivity, happiness, love.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My holiday week, the beginning of my relationship with, when I broke up with Aaron, October time when I transitioned and when everything began to make sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not ending it all!! Seriously though, it was just surviving and learning from mistakes, misfortunes, harm and people trying to hurt me.
9. What was your biggest failure? I guess letting down my manager at work, and letting so many other people down in different ways. Letting paranoia and doubt take over even when I was right.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had 2 nervous breakdowns... depression was terrible, chest infection, sciatica... depression went away though...
11. What was the best thing you bought? a jacket
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Parents for supporting me when they didn't need to, Hayley for being a friend as well as a girlfriend to my brother, and for dealing with him in the first place, Mark for being by my side and listening to me babble, Daisy for being a good friend and nit thinking I am crazy, or at least not letting on that she does, Katie for her support and belief during a time when it was so easy to not believe me, The Canadian for looking after me, Sammi for providing me with acceptance and a good time, a fresh perspective when everything blows up in your face. x
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Myself, both my ex's this year, certain people I work with for their backstabbing and sabotage, the townsfolk of Solihull for being utterly disgusting and vile, my brothers for their horrid behaviour towards each other and for their lack of respect. Greg for the way he treated his parents on holiday.
14. Where did most of your money go? drugs, rent, clothes, taxis
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My holiday in Son Bou, moving out to be by myself, though it didn't live up to it all, yet turned into something quite special.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012? There are too many.
a) happier or sadder? I am much happier and intend to keep it that way.
b) thinner or fatter? I guess I am the same, I get bigger and then I lose it all.
c) richer or poorer? richer in the mind, poorer in the bank, though I am actually financially richer as I have savings now.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Positive thinking? Yoga? Things that would heal and help? I don't know.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Class A's!!!! I've prematurely aged myself and my bank has suffered immensely.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I will see through Christmas day and then return to my normal life again (update: I slept through it).
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? No, just infatuation and lust I guess. I have a good idea of the kind of love I Want and the kind of guy to provide it, and he wasn't Aaron as much as I adored him at the time. I wonder what he's doing now.
22. How many one-night stands? Five - all terrible disgusting mistakes.
23. What was your favourite TV program? Simpsons forever... I enjoyed aspects of the Big Bang Theory because Aaron loved it and secretly cos I think Leonard looks like David which would make me...Penny? I watched the entire series of True Blood but only because Aaron liked it so much. Simpsons forever!
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people, I am either indifferent or I strongly dislike and avoid at all costs.
25. What was the best book you read? I didn't read any books this year, which is terrible. I will read more next year. I promise.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Waterboys!
27. What did you want and get? Independence to a degree, a futon bed, perspective on life, finally.
28. What did you want and not get? oh everything!
29. What was your favorite film of this year? We Need to talk about Kevin, The Help, Happy Together
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28, and I did nothing for it.
31. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Satisfying is a pointless aim, I think that things were too far gone for me to be 'satisfied'. What I mean is, things were bad, satisfaction would of been too much of a privilege for me to even think about.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? There wasn't so much a concept, though I am far more comfortable with my style now. I will say that the more I suffered this year, the more effort I made in my looks. I think I was needing a distraction. I was often conflicted with what to wear, and have gone through the smartness and have decided to just wear what I want, I like to put a fashionable spin on anything if I feel, but these days I feel like I can wear whatever I want and be comfortable, happy, and stylish and just myself without restriction or following a trend.
33. What kept you sane? Music, weed, people, food, mother's love
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most? Tilda Swinton
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Couldn't care less about politics anymore, I will vote Green however. I think environmental issues are far more important than gay marriage, and intend to get a lot more involved next year.
36. Who did you miss? I miss myself
37. Who was the best new person you met? Kerry from work is pretty cool
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: Do not underestimate your own strength, the chances are you can make it.
39. Song lyrics to sum up the year: 'too high, too far, too soon, you saw the whole of the moon!'
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I always make new resolutions but I never remember to keep them. I guess I just resolve to be a better person, to do good things for people, and to strive to be a good person. My health is pretty important this year and stopping addictive patterns.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I knew about
4. Did anyone close to you die? Sam Dixon, a friend of mine from Manchester
5. What countries did you visit? Menorca (Spain)
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Stability in my life, a hand to help others through their lives, good causes to live for, productivity, happiness, love.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My holiday week, the beginning of my relationship with, when I broke up with Aaron, October time when I transitioned and when everything began to make sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not ending it all!! Seriously though, it was just surviving and learning from mistakes, misfortunes, harm and people trying to hurt me.
9. What was your biggest failure? I guess letting down my manager at work, and letting so many other people down in different ways. Letting paranoia and doubt take over even when I was right.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had 2 nervous breakdowns... depression was terrible, chest infection, sciatica... depression went away though...
11. What was the best thing you bought? a jacket
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Parents for supporting me when they didn't need to, Hayley for being a friend as well as a girlfriend to my brother, and for dealing with him in the first place, Mark for being by my side and listening to me babble, Daisy for being a good friend and nit thinking I am crazy, or at least not letting on that she does, Katie for her support and belief during a time when it was so easy to not believe me, The Canadian for looking after me, Sammi for providing me with acceptance and a good time, a fresh perspective when everything blows up in your face. x
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Myself, both my ex's this year, certain people I work with for their backstabbing and sabotage, the townsfolk of Solihull for being utterly disgusting and vile, my brothers for their horrid behaviour towards each other and for their lack of respect. Greg for the way he treated his parents on holiday.
14. Where did most of your money go? drugs, rent, clothes, taxis
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My holiday in Son Bou, moving out to be by myself, though it didn't live up to it all, yet turned into something quite special.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012? There are too many.
a) happier or sadder? I am much happier and intend to keep it that way.
b) thinner or fatter? I guess I am the same, I get bigger and then I lose it all.
c) richer or poorer? richer in the mind, poorer in the bank, though I am actually financially richer as I have savings now.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Positive thinking? Yoga? Things that would heal and help? I don't know.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Class A's!!!! I've prematurely aged myself and my bank has suffered immensely.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I will see through Christmas day and then return to my normal life again (update: I slept through it).
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? No, just infatuation and lust I guess. I have a good idea of the kind of love I Want and the kind of guy to provide it, and he wasn't Aaron as much as I adored him at the time. I wonder what he's doing now.
22. How many one-night stands? Five - all terrible disgusting mistakes.
23. What was your favourite TV program? Simpsons forever... I enjoyed aspects of the Big Bang Theory because Aaron loved it and secretly cos I think Leonard looks like David which would make me...Penny? I watched the entire series of True Blood but only because Aaron liked it so much. Simpsons forever!
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people, I am either indifferent or I strongly dislike and avoid at all costs.
25. What was the best book you read? I didn't read any books this year, which is terrible. I will read more next year. I promise.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Waterboys!
27. What did you want and get? Independence to a degree, a futon bed, perspective on life, finally.
28. What did you want and not get? oh everything!
29. What was your favorite film of this year? We Need to talk about Kevin, The Help, Happy Together
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28, and I did nothing for it.
31. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Satisfying is a pointless aim, I think that things were too far gone for me to be 'satisfied'. What I mean is, things were bad, satisfaction would of been too much of a privilege for me to even think about.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? There wasn't so much a concept, though I am far more comfortable with my style now. I will say that the more I suffered this year, the more effort I made in my looks. I think I was needing a distraction. I was often conflicted with what to wear, and have gone through the smartness and have decided to just wear what I want, I like to put a fashionable spin on anything if I feel, but these days I feel like I can wear whatever I want and be comfortable, happy, and stylish and just myself without restriction or following a trend.
33. What kept you sane? Music, weed, people, food, mother's love
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most? Tilda Swinton
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Couldn't care less about politics anymore, I will vote Green however. I think environmental issues are far more important than gay marriage, and intend to get a lot more involved next year.
36. Who did you miss? I miss myself
37. Who was the best new person you met? Kerry from work is pretty cool
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: Do not underestimate your own strength, the chances are you can make it.
39. Song lyrics to sum up the year: 'too high, too far, too soon, you saw the whole of the moon!'
Friday, 28 December 2012
turn and watch the summer corn grow
This week has been terrible. Christmas is a farce. I can't focus at work and I'm doing too many drugs now just to get me through this week. If you work or have ever worked in retail, then this week is pretty much the worst week of the year, as you know, and like me, you probably have your doubts about the reliability of Christmas providing 'cheer' and 'goodwill'.
I feel the week's woes are grouped into three sections: one is the work woe and the notion of a retail Christmas, complete with cunty customers and literally no help from my colleagues. One colleague has taken it upon herself to act like she's in charge, throwing her excessive weight around, in a small black blazer that she thinks says 'I'm in charge'. The person who actually is in charge was lucky enough to have a 4 day break over Christmas. Apparently, having a boyfriend warrants extra time. I feel discriminated against. I was at work till half 8 on Christmas Eve putting out sale stuff, struggling to keep it together and stay awake at the same time. I'm back in at 9 a.m Boxing Day, finishing off what I was too tired to finish from Christmas Eve, trying to remember everything, just to give the ungrateful public their stinking soap. Consumerism at its most vulgar is basically what I see Christmas as now. And now that it's over, and for those of you who think it isn't, I feel very sorry for you (cos you clearly need to fill your life with some invalid festive bollocks for some sad reason relating to your broken personality) I can get on with my life and never have to speak about it ever again.
The second woe of this week from Christmas Hell are my family problems. I feel my family is falling apart. I can't bring myself to accept how my father talks to me. I hate being around him. I can't stand the feeling of abandoning my mother. Mostly though I feel slightly guilty about just deserting my entire family completely. They all think they can get away with telling people what to do ALL the time. The worst are my brothers, I feel so ashamed of them all. Disgusting, chauvinistic mess drinkers with extreme violent tendencies and aggressive competitive streaks, like skid marks down their faces they think winning a conflict involves smashing a face as far in as a brainless fist can go, right in, yeah - well yeah! I'm fed up of it I don't belong to a world or a family where violence is the answer frankly they can all just go FUCK THEMSELVES.
My third woe is a little more reflective and depressing. A good friend of mine, one who I may of mentioned before who has cancer has decided to not carry on with chemo and has about a year to live. I will not say any more to that. It's personal and I feel it is my duty to help and support him. I will do anything.
After New Year I am going on a detox, and January will consist of good and productive activities. Apart from detoxing, and healing and resting, I will be preparing for the Big Move and also learning about A New Faith, a new belief system, earthy and rooted to the world and my energies and the way I live my life. I will also be employing the Canadian during January to train me on how to manage my money. I am still debating whether or not to buy a camera with my £800 tax reward.
I feel the week's woes are grouped into three sections: one is the work woe and the notion of a retail Christmas, complete with cunty customers and literally no help from my colleagues. One colleague has taken it upon herself to act like she's in charge, throwing her excessive weight around, in a small black blazer that she thinks says 'I'm in charge'. The person who actually is in charge was lucky enough to have a 4 day break over Christmas. Apparently, having a boyfriend warrants extra time. I feel discriminated against. I was at work till half 8 on Christmas Eve putting out sale stuff, struggling to keep it together and stay awake at the same time. I'm back in at 9 a.m Boxing Day, finishing off what I was too tired to finish from Christmas Eve, trying to remember everything, just to give the ungrateful public their stinking soap. Consumerism at its most vulgar is basically what I see Christmas as now. And now that it's over, and for those of you who think it isn't, I feel very sorry for you (cos you clearly need to fill your life with some invalid festive bollocks for some sad reason relating to your broken personality) I can get on with my life and never have to speak about it ever again.
The second woe of this week from Christmas Hell are my family problems. I feel my family is falling apart. I can't bring myself to accept how my father talks to me. I hate being around him. I can't stand the feeling of abandoning my mother. Mostly though I feel slightly guilty about just deserting my entire family completely. They all think they can get away with telling people what to do ALL the time. The worst are my brothers, I feel so ashamed of them all. Disgusting, chauvinistic mess drinkers with extreme violent tendencies and aggressive competitive streaks, like skid marks down their faces they think winning a conflict involves smashing a face as far in as a brainless fist can go, right in, yeah - well yeah! I'm fed up of it I don't belong to a world or a family where violence is the answer frankly they can all just go FUCK THEMSELVES.
My third woe is a little more reflective and depressing. A good friend of mine, one who I may of mentioned before who has cancer has decided to not carry on with chemo and has about a year to live. I will not say any more to that. It's personal and I feel it is my duty to help and support him. I will do anything.
After New Year I am going on a detox, and January will consist of good and productive activities. Apart from detoxing, and healing and resting, I will be preparing for the Big Move and also learning about A New Faith, a new belief system, earthy and rooted to the world and my energies and the way I live my life. I will also be employing the Canadian during January to train me on how to manage my money. I am still debating whether or not to buy a camera with my £800 tax reward.
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Creamsicle sky as the sun sets in the west
my things
So much has happened in the last 2 weeks and when I go to write everything down I get frustrated for not updating more regularly because I have trouble remembering everything, but then, I look back and realise that I really want time to just hurry, and it really does. How the fuck has 2 weeks just gone by like it has? It's nearly fucking Christmas. Oh, by the way, I've decided to stop celebrating Christmas. This year I am not celebrating it in any way shape or form, but will from next year only celebrate Pagan holidays, such as summer and winter solstice, which to me seem to make a lot more sense. I'll talk to Rowett again on new year, he will explain it to me. It was him who made me realise that there really isn't a god. How I will ever try and tell my nan is beyond me, but born a catholic always a catholic. ANYWAY - i haven't smoked any weed much to my dismay since I last got some and I really want some more. I've done a lot of other drugs and have even re-ridden to dusky white pony twice in the same week, which was nostalgic. i've had to really think, and use text messages to remind myself what exactly I have done these last 2 weeks. I feel literally all over the place. Here goes:-
On Wednesday the 5th I got a new phone, I got an iPhone, a shiny new iPhone. I've never had one before and was a bit scared of it, its touch screen that I am not used to and I still wasn't sure what an app was... anyway I got it and bid that I not get obsessed with it like Leigh-Anne has (every time I see her she's hunched over it like a crack addict over his crack pipe). It's a shiny black thing, it's cute and I like it. The girl who renewed my contract was called Bobbie Pigeon, the best name I have ever heard of. I feel like I'd like to change my name to Coconut or Turkey or Greengrass. At Uni, I almost, in a dazed and altered state, nearly changed my first name to Coconut and my last name to Andrew to form 'Coconut Andrew', one of my nicknames at the time. Sometimes shortened to 'Coco', my other nickname was 'Fuck Face' or for short, 'Fucky', and let's just say I'm glad I never changed it to that.
On Friday the 7th we had a head office visit from _____, who I love because she reminds me of a random girl you may of gone to school with, who is a bit bizarre and slightly dazed but who you would want to be with all the time. I like her a lot. She brought with her some champagne, which I enjoyed with Katie and Kerry at the end, and we ended up going to the pub and getting absolutely slaughtered. I eventually went back to the Canadians in Selly Oak. However, I was so drunk and disorderely that I was being really obnoxious in the street, kicked up a fuss in Tesco, and then bad karma came around in the form of a punch in the face. I decided to learn from my mistakes, deal with the karma and write a poem to remember it by, which I haven't done yet. I impressed the Canadian with it's title 'Karma Kissed with a Fist' though it sounds awfully familiar. I wasn't so impressive when I came home to his however, drunk, angry and basically had a break down right in front of him. In the morning, I had to get to work, in the grey and the wet, with a fat lip and a sore ego.
fuck me
Ironically, the Canadian seems to be even more fond of me now. I would of ran a mile if it was the other way round. I think that when someone sticks around with me this long, they can't be right. I worked the weekend, gave my keys to the Canadian and said you can stay at mine as long as you want, as I am NOT going to Selly Oak. He'd said he'd clean my flat and make me dinner, which was an offer I was not going to refuse at the time. When we got back to the flat, I was nervous because I hadn't been back there in ages, god knows how long, and the longer I leave something the harder it is for me to do it. I didn't want to check my post or open my fridge, expecting the worst like a burnt out shell of a room or squatters. All there was really was a very cold, slightly mildewy, very smelly (mould from rotten food in kitchen) flat. I was a bit worried but we cleaned it out in no time and made it nice and warm. By evening, it was warm and cozy and we were snuggled in bed. Sunday saw me playing music to him and drinking coffee. It's still weird spending time with him. I'm not sure why he likes me sometimes. I still fucked him though, he seemed to enjoy it. On Monday night after work, I met him and we went to Ming Moon, where I over ate on meats and spent half the evening eating ALONE because he insisted on queuing for teriyake and saying that 'dumbass white people' eat the shit buffet food and think it's authentic. Blah blah blah. I found a piece of jelly in the deserts with a pube on it so I put it on his plate, which was funny.
On Wednesday the 12th I worked all day and then went round to Pussy Palace inexplicably without the realisation that I had no way of telling anyone I was coming because I still hadn't saved all my numbers into my new phone. I eventually got in and they were complaining about the condition of the place and panicking that the whole house had to be cleaned before an inspection the next day, so I stayed and helped Paris clean the whole place. I don't know why I am telling you all this. I am stoned and it's my day off as I write this now.
On Thursday I had to go to a funeral of a friend in Manchester. I was going to write about this in it's own entry and go into a lot more detail, but too much time has passed since for me to go back into the thinking stage of this person. What I will say is that Sam Dixon was a very good friend back in Manchester and was a wonderful person. You'd say that about anyone you knew who died, but this woman was a big part of a lot of people's lives for pretty much the same reason and that was acceptance and pure friendship. She was really there for me when I needed her at the time. I have many fond memories of her, and she did rock my life, she made me for a while believe in myself. I felt incredibly protected by her, and loved. She was a good person, with heart, who worked with disabled children and loved animals. She was a bit of a raver, a mad lesbian and a brave hippy.
Sam killed herself. She hung herself with the dog leads from the back of the door. I'm not sure why, or what she was thinking right before, but she did it. Her note only apologised and asked for everyone to forgive her for what she had chosen to do. I forgive her, she was a strong woman, and it takes a strong willed person to go ahead with that. She wanted out; she got out.
In Manchester I saw John and I saw 'Grandad'. It was great to catch up and the service was beautiful. The chosen song at the finish was 'Karma Chameleon' by Culture Club. Not many hippy or 'out there' types attended as I expected, but there were people there in rainbow flags. Afterwards we went back to a friend of John's for tea, and then went onto Canal Street for her after party, where I took some hoof dust in honour. It was a weird experience because John and my emotions were a merry go round of reflection, tears and enjoyment of the celebration. I went back home on the train and got home, had dinner late and slept like a baby.
At the funeral, Elsa read a poem:
Work the next day was a blur, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't stop thinking about Sam. If I wasn't thinking about Sam I was being paranoid that the mini Lush hitlers downstairs were bitching about me and concocting more sabotage plans and ways to make me look bad. After, I went to PP and had a well deserved, full on super party in my head (and with everyone else) in remembrance of Sam. They said at the funeral that a number of family members believed that for a second or so, last week shortly after she died, that they sensed she was there with them, like when a spirit or an angel visits. And they said that they sensed it was Sam because they could smell the strong odour or cannabis, as if Sam herself was there, with her ever-present spliff in her hand. I wondered if she'd visit me, and intended on looking out for the smell of cannabis and the cold air afterwards, but it might be harder for me because I smoke weed myself and my flat is freezing. But on Friday, I felt she was there in her own way. Two lesbians came round who were really nice, bringing with them a similar vibe that Sam had at parties, and I felt I was being encouraged by Sam to hang out with the lesbians and just let go, and I ended up having the best time ever.
Work the next day was a total drag and by the end I felt down and depressed, too bored with the concept of a staff party, drinking wine and being silly. The food was good and I was starving and I perked up after my first bottle of rose but then I just felt knackered and all the drunkeness began to start to annoy me as drunk people tend to grate on me a bit and I just wanted a cup of tea and to start my day off with collapsing in bed. I eventually got home from the drunken grasps of people who wanted to 'come to mine, get booze on the way and have a sesh'. Fuck that. I want to be alone! I had to pay 20 quid for a taxi, which was a lot, but didn't pay for a single drink at the party. so a night out on the cheap sort of levelled there.
I slept the whole of Sunday which must of been needed but had that dread feeling that I had wasted my whole day off by being unconscious I woke up at that part of the day where you know it's about to start turning to go dark... about half 3. I used to love that part of the day, and that appreciation of winter. But things are different now and I seem so anti Christmas this year that I couldn't romanticize the lack of light, and hurried to the shop for supplies so I could say I'd been out. I ended up going to see a friend who had just moved to Moseley, and watched the Chronicles of Narnia and a Simpsons episode called 'Lisa the Treehugger'. I jealousy spied my friends new flat, complete with everything I don't have in mine (washing machine, central heating, separate rooms, a bath tub, warmth, a Christmas Tree) and then started to hate my friend when he told me his time off for Christmas (2 weeks). I died a little bit that night, and hated Christmas even more, even when I couldn't hate it further.
There is something about Christmas this year, some sort of understanding that has made it void to me, and I'm not sure whether it's because I myself changed this year, or that I have forced the change and am resisting the twinkle and fancy and magic, but whatever it is, I am not liking Christmas, and this is someone who used to love Christmas, would decorate and make a fuss, and be the one who sent out cards and loved decorating the tree. I don't even have a tree. I don't have an advent calendar. I don't have tinsel or anything remotely Christmas. My flat looks like any time of the year, and I believe now that it is. The only good thing about Christmas this year is that Mr Kipling Frosted Fancies (basically Christmas version French fancies) are only a pound at Sainsburys.
I thought this year, initially, that I would appreciate Christmas 'properly' to make me still like it; by approaching it religiously. As a child, Christmas was all about the baby Jesus, and the story of the nativity, and arranging the nativity and of course presents and dinner and traditions. Not really for once do I ever remember believing in Father Christmas. As children, we didn't really give a shit, I think we were too smart, and I don't think my parents wanted to confuse us with Jesus and Santa. Who knows. But I thought this year, I'd go to midnight mass, light a candle, arrange the nativity and just think of good things, making changes and good will and all that. But there's one little problem: I don't believe in god anymore. So we are now completely as strangers, me and Christmas. Nothing can defrost me. There is no reasons to validate its celebration in my life, and there are a number of other factors now too such as being poor, being boyfriend-less, and bad memories of having a boyfriend during last Christmas which are putting me off. So bring on New Year, because I've always loved New Year, and I don't care, and I am going to a party in Sheffield and I am hoping Alphabet Zoo is there, because he is sexy and I want to kiss him again.
Other than that I have been listening to the joys of Crossover, Purity Ring and Nightfoxxx and planning my Big Boxing Day Night out with Manni. My brother has been in contact, but that can be next week's drama. Drama Llama has definitely made an appearance in that arena and has been trotting around ringing its bell.
On Thursday I had to go to a funeral of a friend in Manchester. I was going to write about this in it's own entry and go into a lot more detail, but too much time has passed since for me to go back into the thinking stage of this person. What I will say is that Sam Dixon was a very good friend back in Manchester and was a wonderful person. You'd say that about anyone you knew who died, but this woman was a big part of a lot of people's lives for pretty much the same reason and that was acceptance and pure friendship. She was really there for me when I needed her at the time. I have many fond memories of her, and she did rock my life, she made me for a while believe in myself. I felt incredibly protected by her, and loved. She was a good person, with heart, who worked with disabled children and loved animals. She was a bit of a raver, a mad lesbian and a brave hippy.
Sam killed herself. She hung herself with the dog leads from the back of the door. I'm not sure why, or what she was thinking right before, but she did it. Her note only apologised and asked for everyone to forgive her for what she had chosen to do. I forgive her, she was a strong woman, and it takes a strong willed person to go ahead with that. She wanted out; she got out.
In Manchester I saw John and I saw 'Grandad'. It was great to catch up and the service was beautiful. The chosen song at the finish was 'Karma Chameleon' by Culture Club. Not many hippy or 'out there' types attended as I expected, but there were people there in rainbow flags. Afterwards we went back to a friend of John's for tea, and then went onto Canal Street for her after party, where I took some hoof dust in honour. It was a weird experience because John and my emotions were a merry go round of reflection, tears and enjoyment of the celebration. I went back home on the train and got home, had dinner late and slept like a baby.
At the funeral, Elsa read a poem:
There was a time
And for a while
I wrote you poems
That made you smile
We helped each other
through good and bad
and cried together
when we were sad
So many walks
with Mrs T and a ball
So many laughs
You gave us all
Your Spikey hair
had to be just right
It took forever
to look good on the night
I'm sad I lost you
Something took you away
I tried to help
but couldn't make you stay
And now you've gone
And all we hear
Are echoes of laughter
As we wipe a tear
No more stories
For you to tell us all
But I think in heaven
They'll all have a ball
So say hello
to Mrs T
Give her a kiss
Just from me
I wish you peace and joy
whenever you are
and know that you were loved
Our Special little Star
Work the next day was a blur, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't stop thinking about Sam. If I wasn't thinking about Sam I was being paranoid that the mini Lush hitlers downstairs were bitching about me and concocting more sabotage plans and ways to make me look bad. After, I went to PP and had a well deserved, full on super party in my head (and with everyone else) in remembrance of Sam. They said at the funeral that a number of family members believed that for a second or so, last week shortly after she died, that they sensed she was there with them, like when a spirit or an angel visits. And they said that they sensed it was Sam because they could smell the strong odour or cannabis, as if Sam herself was there, with her ever-present spliff in her hand. I wondered if she'd visit me, and intended on looking out for the smell of cannabis and the cold air afterwards, but it might be harder for me because I smoke weed myself and my flat is freezing. But on Friday, I felt she was there in her own way. Two lesbians came round who were really nice, bringing with them a similar vibe that Sam had at parties, and I felt I was being encouraged by Sam to hang out with the lesbians and just let go, and I ended up having the best time ever.
Work the next day was a total drag and by the end I felt down and depressed, too bored with the concept of a staff party, drinking wine and being silly. The food was good and I was starving and I perked up after my first bottle of rose but then I just felt knackered and all the drunkeness began to start to annoy me as drunk people tend to grate on me a bit and I just wanted a cup of tea and to start my day off with collapsing in bed. I eventually got home from the drunken grasps of people who wanted to 'come to mine, get booze on the way and have a sesh'. Fuck that. I want to be alone! I had to pay 20 quid for a taxi, which was a lot, but didn't pay for a single drink at the party. so a night out on the cheap sort of levelled there.
I slept the whole of Sunday which must of been needed but had that dread feeling that I had wasted my whole day off by being unconscious I woke up at that part of the day where you know it's about to start turning to go dark... about half 3. I used to love that part of the day, and that appreciation of winter. But things are different now and I seem so anti Christmas this year that I couldn't romanticize the lack of light, and hurried to the shop for supplies so I could say I'd been out. I ended up going to see a friend who had just moved to Moseley, and watched the Chronicles of Narnia and a Simpsons episode called 'Lisa the Treehugger'. I jealousy spied my friends new flat, complete with everything I don't have in mine (washing machine, central heating, separate rooms, a bath tub, warmth, a Christmas Tree) and then started to hate my friend when he told me his time off for Christmas (2 weeks). I died a little bit that night, and hated Christmas even more, even when I couldn't hate it further.
o, christmas tree
There is something about Christmas this year, some sort of understanding that has made it void to me, and I'm not sure whether it's because I myself changed this year, or that I have forced the change and am resisting the twinkle and fancy and magic, but whatever it is, I am not liking Christmas, and this is someone who used to love Christmas, would decorate and make a fuss, and be the one who sent out cards and loved decorating the tree. I don't even have a tree. I don't have an advent calendar. I don't have tinsel or anything remotely Christmas. My flat looks like any time of the year, and I believe now that it is. The only good thing about Christmas this year is that Mr Kipling Frosted Fancies (basically Christmas version French fancies) are only a pound at Sainsburys.
I thought this year, initially, that I would appreciate Christmas 'properly' to make me still like it; by approaching it religiously. As a child, Christmas was all about the baby Jesus, and the story of the nativity, and arranging the nativity and of course presents and dinner and traditions. Not really for once do I ever remember believing in Father Christmas. As children, we didn't really give a shit, I think we were too smart, and I don't think my parents wanted to confuse us with Jesus and Santa. Who knows. But I thought this year, I'd go to midnight mass, light a candle, arrange the nativity and just think of good things, making changes and good will and all that. But there's one little problem: I don't believe in god anymore. So we are now completely as strangers, me and Christmas. Nothing can defrost me. There is no reasons to validate its celebration in my life, and there are a number of other factors now too such as being poor, being boyfriend-less, and bad memories of having a boyfriend during last Christmas which are putting me off. So bring on New Year, because I've always loved New Year, and I don't care, and I am going to a party in Sheffield and I am hoping Alphabet Zoo is there, because he is sexy and I want to kiss him again.
Other than that I have been listening to the joys of Crossover, Purity Ring and Nightfoxxx and planning my Big Boxing Day Night out with Manni. My brother has been in contact, but that can be next week's drama. Drama Llama has definitely made an appearance in that arena and has been trotting around ringing its bell.
Oh and I joined Instagram, the week that everyone starts harping on about leaving Instagram because of photo copyrights or whatever. Regardless, here are some stunningly amazing, 'vintage-look' shots of my cat and me, yawning.
Monday, 3 December 2012
and i'm achin for you, i . ache , i
I've had quite the weekend. On Friday night I went to Sammi and Paris's and got absolutely FUCKED OUT MY FACE. The night was getting really heavy by the time I had to leave for work, and it was one of those where I kind of wanted to stay, but I am usually on my own anyway, it's different not having a sidekick by your side.
I then went to work for one of the busiest Saturdays of the year so far, if not the busiest (and they only get busier). I panicked in the morning because I still felt totally wired but I think I managed to pull off normal. In fact, I worked incredibly hard ALL day and even managed to eat. I took great pleasure in finding out that a certain member of staff is LEAVING and therefore I don't have to feel so annoyed all the time with a person who to me represents everything that is WRONG with the youth and culture of today in the country.
I went to the Canadian's in Selly Oak and stayed there till today. Selly Oak is a shit hole, He bought me a toothbrush with spongebob on it and we had a good time together as usual. He broached the subject of making what we have a bit more serious, or wanted to at least know what I thought of where it was going, but I just said I didn't know, because I do. On the one hand, I do like him, and we do get along and there is something, but on the other I feel put off by the fact that I am leaving Birmingham in 4 months if that, and that I have a certain idea, an imagination, of the kind of guy that I would be happy with, the kind of guy I am going to Brighton to find one day, and it's nothing like him.
i want to be set free and i cannot wait. in 1 months time it will be only 3 months till i can. i feel like i want the summer, and i want to wear jeans and t-shirts again and to do whatever i want and have no boundaries, especially the ones set by myself.
I then went to work for one of the busiest Saturdays of the year so far, if not the busiest (and they only get busier). I panicked in the morning because I still felt totally wired but I think I managed to pull off normal. In fact, I worked incredibly hard ALL day and even managed to eat. I took great pleasure in finding out that a certain member of staff is LEAVING and therefore I don't have to feel so annoyed all the time with a person who to me represents everything that is WRONG with the youth and culture of today in the country.
I went to the Canadian's in Selly Oak and stayed there till today. Selly Oak is a shit hole, He bought me a toothbrush with spongebob on it and we had a good time together as usual. He broached the subject of making what we have a bit more serious, or wanted to at least know what I thought of where it was going, but I just said I didn't know, because I do. On the one hand, I do like him, and we do get along and there is something, but on the other I feel put off by the fact that I am leaving Birmingham in 4 months if that, and that I have a certain idea, an imagination, of the kind of guy that I would be happy with, the kind of guy I am going to Brighton to find one day, and it's nothing like him.
i want to be set free and i cannot wait. in 1 months time it will be only 3 months till i can. i feel like i want the summer, and i want to wear jeans and t-shirts again and to do whatever i want and have no boundaries, especially the ones set by myself.
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