cleaning your floor with my mind

Already I'm confusing myself with the order of priority and it hasn't even been a full week. There I was saying 2 MONTHS of rest, and I'm already not bored but thirsty to start everything. I am an Aries after all, and like to get stuck into things fast. I should use some of that well earned patience I have and take a step back. I want so much from my life, and I don't feel like each day that goes by I am missing something, but I don't feel right just sitting around. I can't really go anywhere, most places I used to inhabit now are off limits and have too many bad memories and people attached to them. Like the time when I went over to my brother's off Newhall Street the day after I had to leave my job and narrowly missed bumping into Kyle and his cunt boyfriend as I turned the corner, whilst thinking 'wouldn't it be terrible if...'. I walk round this apartment feeling so angry sometimes, I feel so angry, so taken advantage of and so at a loss. I know that I need to be working out a list of things to do really, I need to be resting yet being productive. I did find that episode finally of 3rd Rock from the Sun with the bit at the fake family reunion where Sally eats the ice cream because she feels left out, I always remembered that bit for some reason. I think I just felt really sorry for her, but when I first saw it, I didn't even realise they were all aliens, so the show didn't make a full amount of sense.

Yesterday my mum bought be a Simpsons comic (yeah, go ahead and laugh) and usually I am disappointed by them but I didn't want any of the magazines from the extensive collection that WHSmiths in Sutton Coldfield has on offer. I contemplated a gay one, what with wanting to be more 'gay' and 'fit' and all but they were top shelf and next to the porn, one of the archaic reasons why I still hate Sutton, a bit like the fat woman walking through Gracechurch wearing a t-shirt with 'YOLO' on the front. The women's magazines were boring, I only ever read the international Vogues anyway, and Hunger magazine, a bi-annual which I got last year had Jessie J on the cover, which was upsetting. The trendy magazines patronise me, I don't need to be told how to be cool, because it's not my version of cool anyway. And if I want fashion and music and films, I have the internet. A photography magazine seemed pointless as I STILL don't have my camera. I considered getting Spirit and Destiny but I don't buy that for pleasure, and seeing as I already know I'm in for 'uncomfortable family times' during July (according to my year forecast in January) and seeing as I want a nice clean break from my life as it's been, a comic seemed quite appropriate. Something to cheer me up. I have been feeling very low lately.

I used to buy Simpsons comics all the time. Mostly the sketches are crap but I read them in my head in the voices of the characters and think they are funny. In London, comics were my choice of tube reading. It was easy and relaxing, as the tube made me nervous. This month it came with Haribo sours and a sticky alien catapult. I won't open it till I've moved to my own place.

I have started writing back to Sian, but am taking my time as it's a pleasure. I have got the books I want to use for research in planning my new healthy meals and diet. I have a laptop to use to write my CV and I have joined an accommodation website to advertise myself looking for a room. I have updated everything I need to really, and I feel like I want to change. I have films I want to watch and things I want to write, a body I want to change and skin I need to clear, jobs to apply for and a place to finally go to, there are new friends to be made and men to be met, confidence to be built, connections to be created. I just need to prioritise. I feel overwhelmed, and to top it off I feel rough still. I just need to relax and calm down. These posts are so bland with no photos. But I haven't been taking any. I have the moodboard for August, which I'm hoping to post soon on FR. It's all about going back to basics and reconciling myself with normal stuff, closing in the distance I put between myself and 'normal' style, to bring myself back down to earth. But it's a way of clearing the slate in that field, so I can change properly in the future. I want to change everything about myself, but still be myself, if that makes sense. I want to be a better, happier, healthier and nicer person, it's overwhelming but I want to try now.