Somewhere between hopelessness and optimism lies my life. And it seesaws up and down between confliction and confidence neurotically, never settling in the middle. Next to being addicted to any drug that is available to me, I have finally ran out of money. I still find myself haunted by the betrayal that resulted in me losing my job, and my still receiving of news both voluntarily and by chance of the leisure and happiness of my ex boyfriends and their new boyfriends, whilst my old boss, who is also a close friend, openly socialises with the the very person who pushed me out and replaced me. I often wonder, which is worse? I try to fend off cabin fever with writing my new fashion blog but find myself disheartened. And now I look at my project critically and I feel like a joke.
It's this utter contempt that I have for the world that reassures me. I may be one of a few like minded people but I never feel lonely or isolated. I used to feel like an alien on my own planet but now I just think that most people are stupid, or greedy, and always usually both.
Sometimes, I find myself staring into space, wondering what bollocks Kyle spends the new salary that was once mine on. As I scrape together copper to pay for drugs just to get me through, a walking I.O.U, I see him sitting there, a thin layer or flubber stretched over an awkward structure of faggot, pasty and unforgiving, playing some waste of life computer game wearing a bag designed for Japanese pre-schoolers. And I just want to smash my head into the wall.
When the much anticipated and expected breakdown arrived last week, overdue and pushed forward, trying to keep my head above water became increasingly difficult when I caught glimpses of myself sweating and gurning with Kyle and that cunt Cassie stuck in my head, discreetly celebrating a victory with ugly knowing glances and twatty high-fives. If anything it's them that pushed me over the edge. And I curse them both.
However the best revenge is success and although Cassie is no match to me, she's that much of a cunt, my naturally shallow reassurance regarding Kyle is simple: he is ugly. I am not.
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