All things change for a reason. Sometimes people push the change. I'm fine with that if it's beneficial to me, to which it has been. My life has resumed a new and interesting level of normality and I am getting on with it, and with patient gusto, and with no high expectations.
Last week saw me attend to duties of my usual caring variety and a routine that I have now become fully accustomed to. A night in on Summer Solstice brought salad and croissant pudding. The evening was summery and beautiful and I made up for the loss of dancing round a tree half naked with Mark by watching 'Panic Room'.
Earlier in the day I went on an extremely disappointing date with a guy whom I had exchanged long detailed and meaningful messages with on OK Cupid, the only dating website that I have any faith in. I pretended to be going on a date with Bethan, just because, regarding past situations, it was easier to lie about who I was with and what I was doing as to not stir jealousy triggered behaviour to which I have no control over how to respond to. I could do as I've been told and just 'be honest' but where has that ever got me in this situation? Nowhere good. The irony of it is, my lies are revealed through clever social media sleuthing, introduced by myself.
The person I met was one of those whose online persona did not match the actual person. Online, the person engaged at length with me, and had opinions and interests that excited me, someone near enough my age with something decent to talk about. He was from China and grew up in New Zealand so I figured he would have a lot to tell about his childhood and family. Instead he was awkward, and one worded, never asked me anything, not even the same questions after I asked them first. At first I thought he was painfully shy, but the shyness seemed to evolve into more of a condescending smugness. I am not complaining though, I have just remembered now as I write, how much I enjoyed writing about my dates, especially the bad ones.
That's not to say that I enjoy bad situations just because I know I'll be able to write about them later. I think I was disappointed because it has simply been so long since I met someone and I was so excited. We'd been in contact for a while and I truly thought that after my current situation of the moment had passed that I would have someone to share my time with. How wrong I was. During my weekend alone a week or so ago, I was bored and wanted to go on ChatRoulette as I have an obsession with Americans. But more times than not on Chatroulette you'd just meet vile people, usually boring American female types who think everything outside the Abercrombie and Fitch rota is weird, and I wanted to talk to Americans who were male and gay so I did a search and ended up chatting on a special roulette for gay guys which had an option to just select America. I ended up meeting a guy called Galen, a violinist from North Carolina who happens to be travelling to Europe at the end of the summer. Talking to him was a comfort and made me realise how desperately I just want to get out, travel and meet people, but to especially meet guys like him. It's so frustrating knowing that it's not you that's the problem, it's the place you're in and the people who fester in it.
On Saturday I had arranged to go to Sammi's mum's birthday party and had a great time getting to finally meet more members of her family. I ended up having everything justified to myself. Sunday morning was condemnation, an awful collection of things, and unforgiving doom caught in the rain. The colour had drained out of the day and every person in it, and I experienced an emotion that I have never felt before, and for which I struggle to put my finger on.
Even though I shiver when he calls my name, still I can't reveal myself to a real sorrow. Every day I come home late and I look away, staring at a screen with plans to change tomorrow. I urge to say what he needs to know, but I can't explain, I've a loss for words.
Monday was spent thinking and sleeping. I was dreading the moving of all my life, the confrontation and the use of excess energy to move stacks of magazines and books. Luckily it was easy, and my belongings had been kindly organised for me. I felt touched by this actually, though I think maybe it was also a sign of how urgent it was to expel me. For whatever reason, I was in and out in a shot and all I need to get back now is my camera, my only prized possession, my pride and joy.
I carried on with a stressful and weirdly emotional 'first day of the rest of my life'. I went through an emotional process beginning with the new and scary emotion which I have no name for. I have since gone on from despair and anger to appreciation and love and yet anger creeps back quickly whilst I verbally confirm each detail that as embittered me. It's a way to accept something and then move on, I don't succumb to the unhealthy habit of dwelling on the unfortunate. I bought Paris and Sammi flowers and cakes and a card to say thank you for being great friends to me, for supporting me and understanding that sometimes we are all plagued. And they have caught me when I fell. One of the many things I've learnt from this experience is the importance of a friendship that is real and solid. Maybe I wasn't a good friend to some, but I have my reasons and I think deep down, no matter how much we hate to admit it, those reasons are valid.
Today however felt like the real first day. A fresh new haircut, and plans to become healthy and put on weight and develop muscle, an active and attractive lifestyle, and freedom from the shackles of my vices and addictions, and the full effort to embrace the art of moderation. Appreciation for the things that my situation has since made me forget about, and the appreciation for things that I simply over time ceased to notice, like reading and blogs, learning, and actually reading my email updates, and celebrations and seasons. I just discovered a shop near my parents that stock every possible Yankee Candle fragrance. I feel like I am in rehab, writing letters to friends, clearing out old or bad memories, making space for the new, updating the profiles, the places, the status, the way to go, changing the direction to up, and forward, indulging in whats nice and looking to what's good, involved in crafts and not taking the little things for granted, looking at the details and eating healthful food. Who knows, I might crochet a blanket. In fact, I think I will. Catching up with friends, near and far. Skyping with Galen while his music mixes with mine, watching him move and go about his room, a comfort in the form of a virtual postage stamp in the right top corner, a reassuringly blurred image. And also to write... my blogs, my stories... I think without having the freedom to write, I would go insane.
Tonight I will watch the Chinese film 'Happy Together'. After finally watching the end of Misery, a somewhat reversed role of a possible prophetic consequence I only feared in my worst nightmare, I have decided to enjoy a film that I only got to enjoy once and tonight it will signify the beginning. I shall leave you on that note, and I shall wish you a good evening. X.
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