Simon has left for Hong Kong. My parents have just returned from Heathrow. They are tired and probably a little sad to see him go. I have to admit that seeing him this time, and after so long, was not in any way how I imagined it. I was anticipating him to come back and sense that I was lazy and start bossing me around. I was expecting to be made to feel useless and rubbish again, and I was expecting to be picked on by dad due to there being the contrasting comparison of success and disappointment in two similar people. However, it was opposite. I didn't spend a lot of time with him and didn't really go on any social excursion as such, but got to talk, and I felt that out of the select people I have discussed my ideas with, especially that of my story, he was the most genuinely interested. I was really excited to talk about it to someone who really wanted to talk to me. It's weird, because people do want to talk to me in my life, my friends for example, but no one ever really wants to discuss anything with me, and not many times when they do is there a mutual understanding, so it felt really great to have that. And because of that I am actually sad that he has gone back. We will email each other about ideas and such though, so I am really happy to have a connection with him. Maybe we are kindred after all. I always thought David was the one I connected to, but lately he's been a nightmare.
I spoke to Greg today, which was lovely. I do think he has an obsession with finding a man, and I hate to have the opinion that anyone who considers a man, or sex, or a relationship with more importance than themselves first as someone with some serious emotional problem, I can't help but let him entertain me with his stories, conquests and chases. It almost saves me from having to subject myself to the horrors of internet dating and crawling round bars, I never bother with any of that, but I've been subsequently single for 2 years now. I have had very little involvement with men since I stopped caring for Steve and have tried to take advantage of such a freedom but nothing really happens to me, except terrible things or mixing with terrible people - 2 incidents and 2 people of which I will discuss later on in the week when I describe a certain 'downfall'. Having Greg as a friend helps trivialise such things, and I really love him for that.
I spoke with Wiggy today, feeling so much better with myself now I am recovering and talking to her and not feeling jealous about not getting to spend every moment I can with her. I guess the summer of drug binges and hot confusion jiggled my head a bit, but I had a female crush moment where I didn't want to be away from her at all, but couldn't tell if she wanted me to fuck off or not. I feel a lot more relaxed now, don't feel a friendship is going to fade or be less favoured and I can't wait to see her again. I feel so good and so happy and positive, honestly, I need to revel in it, but after being ill and having such shit happen to me continuously, and finally getting my motivation back to make myself someone and do something, I feel like I could just shout out and make friends with all my old enemies.
I feel good about being selective on my social life, and being the mature decider. I feel good about building myself up and not having to be an excuse. Guys like me come out best when you think about it. I don't care what so and so thinks when they laugh at me. Because they haven't dealt with what I dealt with, I cannot be touched. I will never be abandoned, lost or left. I have a family who love me dearly, and friends who love me dearly, and I have a life and future I should love and appreciate. I am not alone, yet the ones who laugh... you laugh now, but when you fall asleep next to that 'other half' of yours, I know that those final thoughts in your consciousness before you drop off are ones of crippling self doubt and loneliness. A credit card, a holiday, a new car.... they don't love you. You don't love you.
Anyway, a photo update bit now:
photos from my nan's 80th at the Belfry (really posh and golfy)
spot the gay brother
yup, that's me.
nothing like a giant pink balloon to enchance your gayness. Hayley looks cute here
my brothers and myself, all of us, rarely together, with our mother
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