write a note to self that i love you and no one else

One of the symptoms of feeling ill like this is suffering from a temperature that in the night can make you have freaky and somewhat terrifying nightmares that you think are real. I just awoke (or was already awake) from a dream where my whole existence was fake, and that the government were waiting for me, my house was a set, my parents weren't real and I was all on and in on some huge government conspiracy theory. So real it was, I ended up having to wake my mom up, crying.

Yesterday I had a funny dream, and enjoyed relaying it to Greg and my mother. The thing about this dream and others I've had are they are simply derived from the sound of my mom in the morning using her new running machine downstairs in the room below my room. So a lot of my dreams in the morning begin or are centralled around that sound and my subconcious mind interprets the sound for my dream differently each time, sometimes simply there is a running machine or a piece of gym equipment in my dream.

 I really liked Greg's other friends

 one of my favourite things to do sometimes is spot the Greg in the background of a mad 3 in 1 photo op.

Yesterday's dream was funny - it starts out with me in the dining room of my old house on Chestnut, but from a really long time ago, as the furniture was from when I was little. I am using a cross trainer and my friend Greg, is sitting at the table. We are both exercising and it looks like I have been making a collage or something crafty. Outside it appears an American academy of some kind are playing cricket. There are lots of nice sexy Americans outside, like some kind of American Eagle advert, and some silver foxes there too. Greg sneaks out of the window, and after being bored on the cross trainer I go outside to find him. When I find him, he is engaged in an intricate orgy with some of these Americans and one of the silver foxes inside the hedge that surrounds the house. I tell him to come down and play with me, and the Americans beg me to let him stay. I argue playfully and ask them who allowed them to play cricket in the front garden of my house anyway to which I am informed my father did. I then ask them what right they had to have a gay orgy in my hedge, and they feel remorseful. Greg reluctantly comes down out of the hedge, and I suddenly announce that 'im gonna tell mom!' He then playfully chases me round the garden, trying to tickle me whilst I laugh like a hyena. Back in the house we head back to the dining room and pass my mom who, in a short moment when Greg isn't there, whispers 'where was he?' and I laughing reply 'where do you think?!' just as he comes back into view. I then wake up, to the sound of my mom on her running machine downstairs.

What is the significance of this dream? Or more importantly what does it mean?

Whether I want him to be or not, Greg is on my mind a lot. A lot of people, usually misinformed or weird sheltered gay types can't understand why a gay guy can have a platonic yet affectionate friendship with another gay guy. I have never been sexually involved with Greg and no feelings of romance have ever been exchanged but beyond that everything else has been- from being forced to kiss him for jokes at a bar to frolicking naked together on a beach. In fact there were times where we enjoyed disturbing friends with our acts of dual nudity. But I guess we've been through a lot.

Everybody is going through something. I may think I have it bad, and it's easy to compare. You can do it with anyone. I could put myself on a scale of how bad things are, to the next person and the next, but it leaves you feeling either like you are doomed or that you have no right to complain.

I believe that Greg has had, probably like me, one of the worst years of his life, a bizarre experience in the form of a relationship that like no other was formed of a base of all things not real. I can relate to the fact that you are sucked into a situation you get used to but that is not right. And it's all over, his whole life is different and in a matter of a day, it's flipped upside down. It's hard to maybe see it like this at first, Greg is proud, he doesn't allow you to see that side of him that suffers but he does suffer, and it's up to me to recognise the signs and to not mix them up with what others might perceive as 'petty behavior'. Greg I think to others is probably easy to dismiss. But they just don't read him properly. He doesn't get the chance.

I would be lying if I felt sad for him. I couldn't be happier. I hated Enzo and Enzo hated me. I was nothing but nice to him like I am from the start to any of my friends partners but he was awful to me and to me represented everything wrong with the westernised modern day mind of the selfish consumer. He made me sick, so I was glad that it was over for them. However, like me, Greg now exists in a place between routine and aimlessness and is learning new and harder lessons with each mistake. It's almost like in two totally different ways, our lives both simultaneously blew up in our faces, right at the same time.

school uniform party, I went to a posh Catholic school, as you can tell

by my rosary beads. Greg went to a finishing school ;)