Now I know I'm going to be living with Hayley and David in a Dream Apartment of Wonder, four days a taster, now I feel bored and lonely at home. You can wake up and choose your feelings. I constantly dream of my old house on Chestnut. Well, I dream other things. But they are always happening in there. I know this means I am unhappy with here. I'm unhappy because I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I hate having to 'come home', because there isn't anything fun here to do. It's all chores and guilt.
I can wake up and choose my feelings. I can wake up and choose hers. I take things way too personally and follow a mundane to-do list that includes messaging people back on OKCupid that I know I'll never meet. I wonder what the point is with these people. Next is applying for jobs, which has become easier. I still have to write back to Sian, an unfinished letter that is taking me months.
I get texts off the innocent. But I get offended that I don't hear back from people in days, and they respond finally from being so busy, and now they are ill, and they sound like me, but I've already withdrawn now. You missed your chance. I get messages from the cold side, as I come round, and find myself writhing and rubbing myself in my head slowly down and down till a shower slaps me awake and reminds me 'you're still in your own world'.
I am optimistic because I can see lights, and a promise and a future and a life but sometimes I wonder how abnormal can you get?
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