your standing on my neck

wow

On Netflix you can watch Daria. I was obsessed with Daria growing up. She was a spin off character from Beavis and Butthead, sometimes cropped up in the comic books too that I used to read (her nickname to Beavis and Butthead being 'Diarrhoea'). Daria is the epitome of a dragged out Generation X wannabe, a Beavis and Butthead for girls perhaps. To me it was what MTV was all about in the 90s, and reminds me of the time when we first got the internet. We were with AOL. My first email was ezkimo@aol.com and I saved the clip art icons from MTV's Daria page on their website. You could even listen to 'Daria Radio' which basically played American grungey garage rock and 'riot grrrl' shit, which I bought into at the time. In fact, this was just before my 70s phase, but I still hold them dear, and have no regrets.

Wish this was real ...

Anyway, Daria was all about being a teenager and for some reason being a teenager seemed really American to me growing up, probably adding to my awkwardness even further, and I was MAD about America. I was jealous we didn't celebrate Halloween like they did and that Thanksgiving was meaningless to us. I wanted to carry my books to school and not in a bag and not wear uniform and I wanted to hang out with friends and go to parties, and live in a big house, and come back from the supermarket with those brown paper bags with no handles, play American football and everything be perfect. The fact that my teenage life was like if someone told Mike Leigh to direct 'Grange Hill' for 5 years was very depressing to me, and very English, in a very bad way.

I blame this bag for a number of obsessions

I saw Mark yesterday which was really good because I haven't seen him since the hot sexy summer and it just feels weird when the next time you see a friend it's a completely different season. We both realised that we haven't seen Spitroast since January, which is shameful. We drank beers in our favourite old haunts and went shopping, and stayed at my brothers and watched Daria until we passed out, coughing in our sleep and waiting for our headaches to pass. We ate a very delicious pie for dinner.

friends, arsehole, beers, tits. we could be straight

We never managed to discuss it but we thought one day we could probably combine creative forces and come up with an art and fashion and photography collective for our ideas. We are both at the same time becoming more interested in gay rights, something I was quite ignorant about before. Inspired by the recent injustices and new laws in Russia, and the shocking pictures that went around, I think we both want to explore the history of gay rights. I want to be able to perhaps involve and develop some ideas from what I learn into my photography and into my writing, taking influence from such things as the Stonewall Riots to the murder of Matthew Shepherd. 

 please watch if you're not familiar with the story of Matthew Shepherd.

A lot of art is created with these (political) themes in mind, but I don't want to become an activist, I just want to educate myself on something that in the past I am now embarrassed about being quite openly ignorant to.

From Russia, with Love Tilda

Thanksgiving is today. I have spent the day with my mother. We went Christmas shopping and went to the Becketts Farm Shop, where I had a tasty cooked breakfast. Now I am relaxing at home and have a Lush bath to look forward to. I filled in my USA map. I am tired. I keep having dreams that my ex boyfriends are all going out with each other and I'm pretending I'm OK with that like I would in real life, and last night I dreamt I dropped my phone in a bucket of water. Tonight for dinner I am having steak.

Stereotyping at it's most geographically accurate

i'm an ocean and you're salt air

Tonight, while I was taking advantage of a fatherless living room (he's in Cyprus for some reason) my mum looked up from her maxi-pad with news that Nigella Lawson was a coke head, dubbed 'Higella' (clever that) and that she was 'really disappointed, because I really like her'. Has my mother not learnt anything from me at all? I quickly informed her that she also really likes me, that cocaine does go up your nose but it in no way defines how good you are as a person. I'm sick of trying to keep my mother in the know with the right attitude towards drugs, and harshly reminded her each time she says things like that, she is showing her age. Drug abuse can effect anyone, and when it escalates, like it has done with me in the past, it's usually for very understandable reasons. Nigella Lawson was clearly in an unhappy relationship and probably turned to drugs to escape from an abusive, money fuelled marriage. Money does NOT buy happiness. She exceeded with food; I suppose drugs were a welcome release.

Not a lot has happened to me since last weekend. I've been working. I've realised the pointlessness of personal list-making for things, now that looking at something from a simplified perspective is so much easier. I am taking care of my skin with Lush, Creme de la Mer and Kiehls. I am taking my health kick seriously. Today I ate an entire apple. I've been feeling like shit all week, so I am glad to really be genuinely taking my health seriously. There's a guy at work who I think I might fancy, I haven't really got a good look at him, and it might just because I caught him looking at me, he seems a bit camp and there's an element to him that for some reason makes me think he might be an absolute cunt but maybe that's because he reminds me of a cunt I once worked with in London called Karl who I once thought I liked but was a complete cunt to me. We'll have to see. That's all you're allowed to know for now anyway.

now I'm just somebody that I used to know

If you know me then you will of recently heard of my good news and the thoroughly enjoyable (but final) rejoicing I took part in. However, that is as far as I will go in discussing said news as I am very protective over it and extremely cautious now, paranoid, scarred for life by unfathomable betrayal.

Ordinarily, and like I did at the weekend (and not just because), I'd be out every weekend, sometimes in the week, turning up days later reeking of whisky and plant food. I remember on Sunday, in Moseley the air was colder, made me think I could get away with looking like I was on my way to a meeting or church. I realised I may of spent the majority of the year looking like I was constantly on a walk of shame. Mostly I was. I walked with shame, it became a permanent fixture.

I'm one step towards the main goal, but it's the first step, maybe the second when you consider I've pretty much conquered drug addiction.

I realised today that the next steps have to be small and rational and careful, and I think those next things to consider are health and money, while I munched down sugar and chocolate and spent my day dehydrating myself, looking at my sagging body in the harsh reflection of a green bathroom in the evening, I know it's now a priority. And when I do finally get money, it's not being spent.

I like feeling normal. Nothing is normal, and not everything is fixed just yet. Balance and rationality, dedication and patience are all things I am putting into practice, along with being a nice person to people. I hated knowing that people knew who I was and what I got up to. I hated knowing that when people saw me they instantly thought 'druggy'. That won't happen anymore. I've jumped back on, and I am eager to be taken in, knowing there is a master plan and knowing that I can, somewhere deep inside of me, retain that person I thought I only knew when I was in some kind of mental psychotropic nightmare.

5 Different Types of Gay Couple that Make me Sick

All couple examples listed are defined by actual couples I somehow (?) know. 

Greedy Fat Snobby Cunt Couple

They've been together for a while. They're usually in their 40s and my opinion used to be that they should know better then. But I learnt my lesson that age doesn't equal wisdom. So... they are old enough to know better, but they are totally OBNOXIOUS. They are like the gay equivalent of Matilda Wormwood's parents from (you guessed it), Matilda. Good old Roald Dahl. Anyway, yeah, they are awful. The 'woman' guy, clearly the (lazy) bottom of the relationship, is always fatter and taller, shiny and loud. The kind of person who after drunkenly drowning himself in a name dropped bottle of nondescript over-priced fizz, dons a feather boa and 'performs' famous show tunes to a room of other obnoxious 40 something guys while the other guy, the 'man', bravos him on. They both are ridiculous in self maintenance, barely left with any eyebrows, and they both secretly hate each other. They both spend ridiculous amounts of money on stuff yet possess literally no taste. They are always in terrible debt however, the dirtiest secret to their life together (dirtier than the weird gas-mask sex and anonymous threesomes in Marbella).. But they simply can't live without their Clarins and Champagne, darling. Oh fuck off. How do you even have sex with each other?


Emo Fags

I hate these because I used to have to work with a guy who was basically going out with his twin brother, and spending a working day with just one of them nearly drove me to spontaneous suicide but whatever. These emo fags are a bit dated now but let me assure you, they still exist. They walk among us, strangely, as they never go out. They hang out with each other constantly, because the reason they're together and have exact matching hair, clothes and 'personalities' is because they are too socially inept and physically freakish looking to develop what their real personality and life should of been. They spend their time playing computer games and role playing with swords in forests and shit. They piss me off because together you get a double dose of hostile smugness, but let them have that, they need to reassure themselves that at least they aren't that much of a sad twat on their own. Sadly for me, I'm inflicted with two sad twats at once, which is ironic, because when they are alone together, it must be hard to tell whether they are together or just leaning on a mirror.


Just Plain Weird

They kiss a lot in public, they are literally in a bubble with each other, and always try to out-weird each other in front of you. They are extremely awkward, you want to slap them. They are actually really boring people, and quite like the emo fags I mentioned, but instead of computer games, they fly kites or collect gherkins or something stupid. They smell off, and seem completely and happily oblivious to anyone on the outside of their world. Weirdly, I see this type of couple at parties, often wondering how they even know the people there, let alone managed to be invited. These couples also always shock me with the longevity of their relationship, as usually they already look really young. They talk to you in a distant kind of lazy way that implies that they simply don't need to get to know you. Fuck off.


PR/Media types

You don't actually know them, but you do because they broadcast their joint lame sense of humour that always involves tagging each other and hash tagging each other constantly. They refer to each other as 'other halves' but don't seem to look right together. They drink gin, live in town, are ignorant arrogant fucks who drink too much and become even more obnoxious when drunk, wear terrible t-shirts and jeans from Topman and Hollister. They barely speak to each other on a night out, but you know they have freaky dildo sex with each other, and they never last that long together, but when they start to, their dickhead friends publicly congratulate them on Facebook and throw them parties you can go to so you can be ignored. 


Boring International Photo Couple

They take a lot of photos because they travel round with each other everywhere, and they take photo's of the wing of the planes they fly on. They want the world to know that together, they are travelling around and are international, darling, one is different to the other, and we are IN THE AIR. They are almost kin to the PR/Media types. They have greedy tendencies and are often very smug and arrogant together as a duo, yet can be OK caught alone. They spend their time believing that jet setting around and constantly being on holiday transcends them above people who 'don't travel'. They photograph their food a lot and have no friends.

HOLD YOUR WIG

Now that I'm working, I can hold my wig and get back to writing again (and maybe a little partying).

London here we come...

Radar Receiver

The more I eat, the hungrier I get, the bigger my appetite becomes, the sexier I feel. I'm not trying to get fat. The whole food thing is a good start. I have a body type goal now, and I want to see if I can achieve it. The body type I'll talk about later, but for now I am proactive, even just to see if I can do it.

My mood has lifted and my mind has cleared. Everything seems to make automatic sense. I understand that there needs to be a balance of control and enjoyment in my life. One can't be applied without the other. I guess I got fed up of being frustrated with myself all the time.

 

good

bad

I can't be bothered with writing properly, so here's a list of everything I've been up to, in no particular order:

• ate loads of sweets
• went to Chipping Campden
• Went on a date with a 44 year old. Was unimpressed.
• Had a juicy steak
• Saw Greggers with Wiggy and Brother
• Carved my pumpkin
• Went on 2nd date with 44 year old. Was repulsed. Informed him that I will not be pursuing anything further with him. 
• Visited my friend in Moseley
• Went to a party with my friends
• Had a Halloween feast with Hayley
• Saw Captain Philips at cinema
• Went to the Nightingale
• Met what I consider Wiggy's future husband and the most nicest, attractive hunk ever. 
• Watched Teen Witch. Was really great.

 

This is the 3rd time I chose to 'go' as a woman:

2013

2012

2006

why you think I let you get away with all the things you say to me