All things change for a reason. Sometimes people push the change. I'm fine with that if it's beneficial to me, to which it has been. My life has resumed a new and interesting level of normality and I am getting on with it, and with patient gusto, and with no high expectations.
Last week saw me attend to duties of my usual caring variety and a routine that I have now become fully accustomed to. A night in on Summer Solstice brought salad and croissant pudding. The evening was summery and beautiful and I made up for the loss of dancing round a tree half naked with Mark by watching 'Panic Room'.
Earlier in the day I went on an extremely disappointing date with a guy whom I had exchanged long detailed and meaningful messages with on OK Cupid, the only dating website that I have any faith in. I pretended to be going on a date with Bethan, just because, regarding past situations, it was easier to lie about who I was with and what I was doing as to not stir jealousy triggered behaviour to which I have no control over how to respond to. I could do as I've been told and just 'be honest' but where has that ever got me in this situation? Nowhere good. The irony of it is, my lies are revealed through clever social media sleuthing, introduced by myself.
The person I met was one of those whose online persona did not match the actual person. Online, the person engaged at length with me, and had opinions and interests that excited me, someone near enough my age with something decent to talk about. He was from China and grew up in New Zealand so I figured he would have a lot to tell about his childhood and family. Instead he was awkward, and one worded, never asked me anything, not even the same questions after I asked them first. At first I thought he was painfully shy, but the shyness seemed to evolve into more of a condescending smugness. I am not complaining though, I have just remembered now as I write, how much I enjoyed writing about my dates, especially the bad ones.
That's not to say that I enjoy bad situations just because I know I'll be able to write about them later. I think I was disappointed because it has simply been so long since I met someone and I was so excited. We'd been in contact for a while and I truly thought that after my current situation of the moment had passed that I would have someone to share my time with. How wrong I was. During my weekend alone a week or so ago, I was bored and wanted to go on ChatRoulette as I have an obsession with Americans. But more times than not on Chatroulette you'd just meet vile people, usually boring American female types who think everything outside the Abercrombie and Fitch rota is weird, and I wanted to talk to Americans who were male and gay so I did a search and ended up chatting on a special roulette for gay guys which had an option to just select America. I ended up meeting a guy called Galen, a violinist from North Carolina who happens to be travelling to Europe at the end of the summer. Talking to him was a comfort and made me realise how desperately I just want to get out, travel and meet people, but to especially meet guys like him. It's so frustrating knowing that it's not you that's the problem, it's the place you're in and the people who fester in it.
On Saturday I had arranged to go to Sammi's mum's birthday party and had a great time getting to finally meet more members of her family. I ended up having everything justified to myself. Sunday morning was condemnation, an awful collection of things, and unforgiving doom caught in the rain. The colour had drained out of the day and every person in it, and I experienced an emotion that I have never felt before, and for which I struggle to put my finger on.
Even though I shiver when he calls my name, still I can't reveal myself to a real sorrow. Every day I come home late and I look away, staring at a screen with plans to change tomorrow. I urge to say what he needs to know, but I can't explain, I've a loss for words.
Monday was spent thinking and sleeping. I was dreading the moving of all my life, the confrontation and the use of excess energy to move stacks of magazines and books. Luckily it was easy, and my belongings had been kindly organised for me. I felt touched by this actually, though I think maybe it was also a sign of how urgent it was to expel me. For whatever reason, I was in and out in a shot and all I need to get back now is my camera, my only prized possession, my pride and joy.
I carried on with a stressful and weirdly emotional 'first day of the rest of my life'. I went through an emotional process beginning with the new and scary emotion which I have no name for. I have since gone on from despair and anger to appreciation and love and yet anger creeps back quickly whilst I verbally confirm each detail that as embittered me. It's a way to accept something and then move on, I don't succumb to the unhealthy habit of dwelling on the unfortunate. I bought Paris and Sammi flowers and cakes and a card to say thank you for being great friends to me, for supporting me and understanding that sometimes we are all plagued. And they have caught me when I fell. One of the many things I've learnt from this experience is the importance of a friendship that is real and solid. Maybe I wasn't a good friend to some, but I have my reasons and I think deep down, no matter how much we hate to admit it, those reasons are valid.
Today however felt like the real first day. A fresh new haircut, and plans to become healthy and put on weight and develop muscle, an active and attractive lifestyle, and freedom from the shackles of my vices and addictions, and the full effort to embrace the art of moderation. Appreciation for the things that my situation has since made me forget about, and the appreciation for things that I simply over time ceased to notice, like reading and blogs, learning, and actually reading my email updates, and celebrations and seasons. I just discovered a shop near my parents that stock every possible Yankee Candle fragrance. I feel like I am in rehab, writing letters to friends, clearing out old or bad memories, making space for the new, updating the profiles, the places, the status, the way to go, changing the direction to up, and forward, indulging in whats nice and looking to what's good, involved in crafts and not taking the little things for granted, looking at the details and eating healthful food. Who knows, I might crochet a blanket. In fact, I think I will. Catching up with friends, near and far. Skyping with Galen while his music mixes with mine, watching him move and go about his room, a comfort in the form of a virtual postage stamp in the right top corner, a reassuringly blurred image. And also to write... my blogs, my stories... I think without having the freedom to write, I would go insane.
Tonight I will watch the Chinese film 'Happy Together'. After finally watching the end of Misery, a somewhat reversed role of a possible prophetic consequence I only feared in my worst nightmare, I have decided to enjoy a film that I only got to enjoy once and tonight it will signify the beginning. I shall leave you on that note, and I shall wish you a good evening. X.
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Saturday, 22 June 2013
remembering You / Me
I'm in the long-winded process of writing a post about the gay porn industry and certain pop cultural references of the 80s, and it's important relevance to one other and also funnily my future. However it has become an extensive essay and has taken me days to edit and fix because it's a touchy subject and I think that it's important that I put down what I want to say in the best possible way without people assuming that I am either going to run off and become a prostitute or that I am going to end up a crack addict and shoot myself in the head. I'm just thinking out loud remember.
I really want to write about my week though for the sake of writing because I have been reading a few other personal blogs that I follow and I feel suddenly inspired. The only thing missing really are things to write about that have photos to accompany. Last weekend Steve was still in hospital. Very late on the Saturday night, after I had finished cleaning and sorting out the flat for his return, I was convinced by Sammi to join her for drinking games at a friend's house on Chester Road. Monday, we had Steve return and it was great. I think he was impressed with the new arrangement of his home. Things are less cluttered and easier to clean.
I have a lot in my mind to write about, and I am really just writing this post to remind myself. I still have to edit the post I'm working on and I want to write about my plans on Steve's legacy, Steve's story and what it's like to be looking after someone with cancer. In no way do I want to turn into a cancer motivational speaker, but it's something I want to write about here, not focusing on cancer as such but just the plain fact of someone dying from a terminal illness. It has created a lot of scary conflict in my mind. Perhaps writing in here will help me. I sometimes stop and wonder what the hell I am going to do, and I really can only imagine what his mother and family, and what he himself must be looking to now. Sometimes it rouses emotions so new and unsettling I feel like I am going to be sick.
I want to write about how it might of changed me. I find myself so different, so desensitised by trivial problems that normal people suffer daily, yet I am developing a huge sympathy for loss of life, and I think it's creating a meaningful structure to my life. I don't want to turn dismissive on people's problems, but at the moment I can't relate to them. I also want to write, one day in the future, of the impending build up of responsibility, the tremendous pressure and the complexities of the situation I am in regarding caring for Steve, emotionally, morally and psychologically. I want to talk about each friend I have, and where they stand with me in my mind during this time, and how they have helped, and how I have began to understand their personality, their character through introducing them to Steve, like presenting a king with goods from afar. I want to be frank, and explicit, and I want to be honest to myself. I will write it all down during this year. I will hopefully continue to flourish the blog with more of the usual updates of what I am up to, and more photos. But I need to remember about all I want to write, and their contexts. Don't let me forget.
I really want to write about my week though for the sake of writing because I have been reading a few other personal blogs that I follow and I feel suddenly inspired. The only thing missing really are things to write about that have photos to accompany. Last weekend Steve was still in hospital. Very late on the Saturday night, after I had finished cleaning and sorting out the flat for his return, I was convinced by Sammi to join her for drinking games at a friend's house on Chester Road. Monday, we had Steve return and it was great. I think he was impressed with the new arrangement of his home. Things are less cluttered and easier to clean.
I have a lot in my mind to write about, and I am really just writing this post to remind myself. I still have to edit the post I'm working on and I want to write about my plans on Steve's legacy, Steve's story and what it's like to be looking after someone with cancer. In no way do I want to turn into a cancer motivational speaker, but it's something I want to write about here, not focusing on cancer as such but just the plain fact of someone dying from a terminal illness. It has created a lot of scary conflict in my mind. Perhaps writing in here will help me. I sometimes stop and wonder what the hell I am going to do, and I really can only imagine what his mother and family, and what he himself must be looking to now. Sometimes it rouses emotions so new and unsettling I feel like I am going to be sick.
I want to write about how it might of changed me. I find myself so different, so desensitised by trivial problems that normal people suffer daily, yet I am developing a huge sympathy for loss of life, and I think it's creating a meaningful structure to my life. I don't want to turn dismissive on people's problems, but at the moment I can't relate to them. I also want to write, one day in the future, of the impending build up of responsibility, the tremendous pressure and the complexities of the situation I am in regarding caring for Steve, emotionally, morally and psychologically. I want to talk about each friend I have, and where they stand with me in my mind during this time, and how they have helped, and how I have began to understand their personality, their character through introducing them to Steve, like presenting a king with goods from afar. I want to be frank, and explicit, and I want to be honest to myself. I will write it all down during this year. I will hopefully continue to flourish the blog with more of the usual updates of what I am up to, and more photos. But I need to remember about all I want to write, and their contexts. Don't let me forget.
Sunday, 16 June 2013
homework
Somewhere between hopelessness and optimism lies my life. And it seesaws up and down between confliction and confidence neurotically, never settling in the middle. Next to being addicted to any drug that is available to me, I have finally ran out of money. I still find myself haunted by the betrayal that resulted in me losing my job, and my still receiving of news both voluntarily and by chance of the leisure and happiness of my ex boyfriends and their new boyfriends, whilst my old boss, who is also a close friend, openly socialises with the the very person who pushed me out and replaced me. I often wonder, which is worse? I try to fend off cabin fever with writing my new fashion blog but find myself disheartened. And now I look at my project critically and I feel like a joke.
It's this utter contempt that I have for the world that reassures me. I may be one of a few like minded people but I never feel lonely or isolated. I used to feel like an alien on my own planet but now I just think that most people are stupid, or greedy, and always usually both.
Sometimes, I find myself staring into space, wondering what bollocks Kyle spends the new salary that was once mine on. As I scrape together copper to pay for drugs just to get me through, a walking I.O.U, I see him sitting there, a thin layer or flubber stretched over an awkward structure of faggot, pasty and unforgiving, playing some waste of life computer game wearing a bag designed for Japanese pre-schoolers. And I just want to smash my head into the wall.
When the much anticipated and expected breakdown arrived last week, overdue and pushed forward, trying to keep my head above water became increasingly difficult when I caught glimpses of myself sweating and gurning with Kyle and that cunt Cassie stuck in my head, discreetly celebrating a victory with ugly knowing glances and twatty high-fives. If anything it's them that pushed me over the edge. And I curse them both.
However the best revenge is success and although Cassie is no match to me, she's that much of a cunt, my naturally shallow reassurance regarding Kyle is simple: he is ugly. I am not.
It's this utter contempt that I have for the world that reassures me. I may be one of a few like minded people but I never feel lonely or isolated. I used to feel like an alien on my own planet but now I just think that most people are stupid, or greedy, and always usually both.
Sometimes, I find myself staring into space, wondering what bollocks Kyle spends the new salary that was once mine on. As I scrape together copper to pay for drugs just to get me through, a walking I.O.U, I see him sitting there, a thin layer or flubber stretched over an awkward structure of faggot, pasty and unforgiving, playing some waste of life computer game wearing a bag designed for Japanese pre-schoolers. And I just want to smash my head into the wall.
When the much anticipated and expected breakdown arrived last week, overdue and pushed forward, trying to keep my head above water became increasingly difficult when I caught glimpses of myself sweating and gurning with Kyle and that cunt Cassie stuck in my head, discreetly celebrating a victory with ugly knowing glances and twatty high-fives. If anything it's them that pushed me over the edge. And I curse them both.
However the best revenge is success and although Cassie is no match to me, she's that much of a cunt, my naturally shallow reassurance regarding Kyle is simple: he is ugly. I am not.
Saturday, 1 June 2013
a group of crows is called a 'murder'
It's been a nice week for a number of reasons involving catching up with family, helping Steve's mother with shopping and going for coffee and planning the whole life rehaul thing for myself and my own mother. Things are nice here and calm and Steve and I are enjoying each day in the ways we usually do, and I have been feeling that I am a lot more of a better carer, but always first and foremost Steve's best friend, fulfilling every duty a best friend does and fending off the fake fair-weathered friends who should know better. They're old enough.
Tuesday was a dull day and it rained, I got my act together and made a start on the last bit of stuff we're trying to flog. I have decided to not sell the Victorian clock on the mantel piece and I got to hear it chime and I found it enchanting. We watched the programs about Anne Boleyn and Thomas Cromwell and watched a really entertaining episode of Come Dine with Me. One thing I noticed about the Anne Boleyn documentary was that female historians dress really nicely and wear interesting jewellery. The female historians also took the side in the argument that she was framed for all the things she was accused of, and I wish I could have an opinion on what really happened too, but it's history and the fact is none of us were there, none of us will ever know the truth so I just can't decide when so many different scenarios could be plausible.
On Wednesday we had our delivery of Perry Barr's finest oregano, and smoked and watched The Kings Speech, a film about King George VI played by Colin Firth. The film focuses on how the king had to cope with a stammer, and sees a guy called Lionel Logue, an Australian speech therapist played by Geoffrey Rush. The men become friends as they work together, and after his brother abdicates the throne, the new King relies on Logue to help him make his first wartime radio broadcast on Britain's declaration of war to Germany. It got me thinking about how well spoken people were those days, and I love Helena Bonham Carter. I want to make more of an effort with pronunciation, and believe old fashioned etiquette, intelligence and speech are equally endearing features as an interesting outfit of clothes can be sometimes these days.
We watched a film directly after called W.E, which was interesting and at times confusing, leaving me thinking I was watching the Kings Speech still as characters from that were depicted in W.E. I found it a really strange film, ready to be disliked because it was made by Madonna. Anything Madonna post-circa 2001 is a kiss of death. The film however is I admit a good effort, I just found it just that little bit too perfect, too much. I never really found the story of Wallis Simpson historically interesting either. I didn't feel sorry for those people at all, and the film begged sympathy. I don't have sympathy for people's woes in love. I'm sorry.
Wednesday had me up early, dressed up nicely and went with Steve's mother to Sutton to get the food shopping, and to have a coffee. It's very important I get to go out like that, and also important for me to spend time alone with Steve's mother, as I will be supportive of her in the future. I let the age gap which would instinctively have you behaving differently effect how I was with her. I felt it was good to be open and honest about who I am and my life, and to someone older than my own parents, it's great to not have them disapprove or give me unwanted advice. She is just as much of a friend now than any of my others, and I have an equally good time with her than I would with say, Daisy or Paris or whoever. We went to Costa, then went to Smiths and I talked about magazines. I am not really fond of English magazines anymore.
I dropped into the House of Frazer because I came up with the idea of what to give Emma for her birthday at the end of the month. Naturally, I have been invited out for cocktails, and in a bar environment I think it's always awkward when you have to hold onto a big present or a gift bag whilst your getting drunk. So I am getting her a Chanel lipstick, a nice traditional red, which she can pop into her handbag. It's a nice touch, and there's probably someone somewhere who has quoted how every woman must have a Chanel lipstick. The colour I am getting her is called 'Gabrielle'. If she doesn't wear it, at least it will look good on a dressing table (preferably next to a bottle of Chanel No5).
On Thursday I saw my mother who is much better and she told me lots of interesting things I am not allowed to talk about. I told her that soon everything will be fine and OK and that I will eventually live with her and dad if the arrangement is suitable and if she chooses a location not completely remote. I saw my nan and grandad, my cousins and aunt and uncle. I got to talk to everyone, and was talking to Julie about Adrian and about caring, having a lot to talk about and have in common with because she cares for Adrian properly now. She said she'd come and see me, so I am looking forward to that. Everyone still talking about Florida which makes me jealous and they still go back to our old villa at Sunset Lakes. Nan told me that she has a load of gay friends over there. How is it she gets to meet gay American men and I don't? I want to save up so I can go there and not come back, marry myself off or something, but I also really want to splash out this year on a new coat for winter. I want to spend more on the one that has lasted me the past 2 years, and it cost me £300. I am thinking about spending around £900-£1000 this year. I would have to gradually save the money up each month (200 at a time) as of now, and live at home without paying rent, saving money. Or I could get a boyfriend and live at his free of charge without him realising, in the airing cupboard or something.
Thursday evening was lovely as Bethan and Arran came over for dinner and we ended up getting drunk and then we had a Tramadol sesh which involved me not being able to move properly. I renamed tramadol 'tranny doll'. It makes me feel woozy, like a bad tranny at the end of the night, wobbling and wondering whether to go to the after club or just to go home alone, like usual.
Tuesday was a dull day and it rained, I got my act together and made a start on the last bit of stuff we're trying to flog. I have decided to not sell the Victorian clock on the mantel piece and I got to hear it chime and I found it enchanting. We watched the programs about Anne Boleyn and Thomas Cromwell and watched a really entertaining episode of Come Dine with Me. One thing I noticed about the Anne Boleyn documentary was that female historians dress really nicely and wear interesting jewellery. The female historians also took the side in the argument that she was framed for all the things she was accused of, and I wish I could have an opinion on what really happened too, but it's history and the fact is none of us were there, none of us will ever know the truth so I just can't decide when so many different scenarios could be plausible.
On Wednesday we had our delivery of Perry Barr's finest oregano, and smoked and watched The Kings Speech, a film about King George VI played by Colin Firth. The film focuses on how the king had to cope with a stammer, and sees a guy called Lionel Logue, an Australian speech therapist played by Geoffrey Rush. The men become friends as they work together, and after his brother abdicates the throne, the new King relies on Logue to help him make his first wartime radio broadcast on Britain's declaration of war to Germany. It got me thinking about how well spoken people were those days, and I love Helena Bonham Carter. I want to make more of an effort with pronunciation, and believe old fashioned etiquette, intelligence and speech are equally endearing features as an interesting outfit of clothes can be sometimes these days.
We watched a film directly after called W.E, which was interesting and at times confusing, leaving me thinking I was watching the Kings Speech still as characters from that were depicted in W.E. I found it a really strange film, ready to be disliked because it was made by Madonna. Anything Madonna post-circa 2001 is a kiss of death. The film however is I admit a good effort, I just found it just that little bit too perfect, too much. I never really found the story of Wallis Simpson historically interesting either. I didn't feel sorry for those people at all, and the film begged sympathy. I don't have sympathy for people's woes in love. I'm sorry.
Wednesday had me up early, dressed up nicely and went with Steve's mother to Sutton to get the food shopping, and to have a coffee. It's very important I get to go out like that, and also important for me to spend time alone with Steve's mother, as I will be supportive of her in the future. I let the age gap which would instinctively have you behaving differently effect how I was with her. I felt it was good to be open and honest about who I am and my life, and to someone older than my own parents, it's great to not have them disapprove or give me unwanted advice. She is just as much of a friend now than any of my others, and I have an equally good time with her than I would with say, Daisy or Paris or whoever. We went to Costa, then went to Smiths and I talked about magazines. I am not really fond of English magazines anymore.
I dropped into the House of Frazer because I came up with the idea of what to give Emma for her birthday at the end of the month. Naturally, I have been invited out for cocktails, and in a bar environment I think it's always awkward when you have to hold onto a big present or a gift bag whilst your getting drunk. So I am getting her a Chanel lipstick, a nice traditional red, which she can pop into her handbag. It's a nice touch, and there's probably someone somewhere who has quoted how every woman must have a Chanel lipstick. The colour I am getting her is called 'Gabrielle'. If she doesn't wear it, at least it will look good on a dressing table (preferably next to a bottle of Chanel No5).
On Thursday I saw my mother who is much better and she told me lots of interesting things I am not allowed to talk about. I told her that soon everything will be fine and OK and that I will eventually live with her and dad if the arrangement is suitable and if she chooses a location not completely remote. I saw my nan and grandad, my cousins and aunt and uncle. I got to talk to everyone, and was talking to Julie about Adrian and about caring, having a lot to talk about and have in common with because she cares for Adrian properly now. She said she'd come and see me, so I am looking forward to that. Everyone still talking about Florida which makes me jealous and they still go back to our old villa at Sunset Lakes. Nan told me that she has a load of gay friends over there. How is it she gets to meet gay American men and I don't? I want to save up so I can go there and not come back, marry myself off or something, but I also really want to splash out this year on a new coat for winter. I want to spend more on the one that has lasted me the past 2 years, and it cost me £300. I am thinking about spending around £900-£1000 this year. I would have to gradually save the money up each month (200 at a time) as of now, and live at home without paying rent, saving money. Or I could get a boyfriend and live at his free of charge without him realising, in the airing cupboard or something.
Thursday evening was lovely as Bethan and Arran came over for dinner and we ended up getting drunk and then we had a Tramadol sesh which involved me not being able to move properly. I renamed tramadol 'tranny doll'. It makes me feel woozy, like a bad tranny at the end of the night, wobbling and wondering whether to go to the after club or just to go home alone, like usual.
Sunday, 26 May 2013
deadbeat summer
Paris' birthday card from Me and Steve
When I last posted, a week ago, I addressed the problem of my mother being in hospital and was really just reassuring myself instead of updating an invisible audience. If there is anyone reading on a regular basis who may of struck up a fictional yet genuine concern for the well being of my mother, I can safely inform you that apart from another scare in the week which acted as a blessing in disguise, my mum is now much better. I spoke with her on the phone however and discussed that soon, we will assess our lifestyles together, and I will eventually clean myself up from my 'addictions'.On the Sunday last weekend Daisy came over and she took some photos. I hadn't slept for 48 hours, and experienced an almost nervous panic before she arrived, leading me into thinking that I had to address some severe drug problem, like a heroin addict meeting up with their parents for the day, hiding their dirty addiction, Daisy being that higher being, an authorative mom figure arriving with a black bag of high-tech professional photographic equipment.
I cannot believe how great Daisy's photographs were, and it really hit home how I not only miss my Leica, but want a new camera and computer myself. It also reminded me how inexperienced I actually am with photography, especially the technical side, yet I am reassured with the knowledge that I am asking all the right questions. Daisy is the perfect person to ask said questions and to discuss this, along with other subjects, and has always an opinion I consider highly. Naturally I consider a lot of opinions, and like to hear about what everyone thinks, the difference with Daisy's is that her opinions are often based on fact and I can count hers to be reliable.
These are by Daisy. Mum would probably like the first one, but not the second
The photo's she has taken are for my new fashion blog I started recently. She won't be taking the photos permanently, this was just a very kind gesture and I was so psyched to be able to post something finally after waiting so long, with excellent quality photos that I love. I intend to take a lot of the photos myself, though I want to work with other people, maybe encourage some friends to take up photography as a hobby, and who knows, maybe someone might discover a hidden talent. In the same way, I want to take photos of other people for the blog in the future, getting good looking friends to model for me to show my photo skills and visual on style. For now I am enjoying a slow, basic and simple start, addressing the bare bones of how I think on how to dress. I think there is a real theory behind it all and want to explore that, and prove that fashion is more than a shallow fancy or a multi billion industry, that it can be something intelligently creative and life effecting.
In a hiding place
The blog is called Fashion Retribution - almost like a pay back to all the terribly dressed people I have had inflicted onto me, the hundreds of fashion blogs for men pushing the same bollocks, and this is like a punishment, what I am doing, what I am showing, for people like that. Its not that I need the punishment myself, or even that I am doleing it out, though I've had my fair share of disillusions, but maybe someone might read it and think afterwards that they don't need to wear a fucking dickie bow or go without socks with their shoes to look 'good' in, say, the street, or a nightclub.
At the Burning and Birthday party
Apart from patiently and methodically writing that I have spent the week turning the living room of Steve's flat into my little 'bedsit', with stuff everywhere, watching '3rd Rock From the Sun' and getting fashion inspirations from all sorts of different places. I soon turned the room back into it's original state again as on the spectrum of cleanliness, organization and being tidy, Steve and I are polar opposites, and what's normal to him is obsessive compulsive to me. But I do appreciate the tidy more now that it's done... last night he got to sit in the living room for what seemed like the first time all week and we watched 'Falling Down' and Simpsons movie. 'Falling Down' is one of the best films I think of all time, and is probably Michael Douglas' best performance, but that's just my opinion. I'm not a massive fan of him, in fact, right now I can't think of anything else he's in off the top of my head, but I am a bit stoned. Which is good because I need to lower the stress levels. Finishing the week off with a film where the main antagonist is the archetypal white angry male on a spree of violence across Los Angeles in the early 90s really was the approriate touch to end on. And what I learned from Marge in the Simpsons movie about anger is that like a woman, I can potentially just hold on to it.
"Now you're gonna die, wearing that silly little hat. How does it feel?"
Though this has nothing to do with Steve. I get cabin feverish, who wouldn't? It's natural to go a bit crazy sometimes, and cannabis does help to chill me out and really open up my brain. There's so much in there, I need to dispose of it somehow. Steve is never a burden to me, but an inspiration, and I feel his influences have really opened up my intelligence and maturity as I feel I have been taught of the enthusiasm and the pleasure of all history, architecture, design, interiors, nature, flowers, and has as a result influenced me on a fashion level, creating a raw and organic reference of inspiration to how I am currently dressing. I have nothing but thanks and appreciation, because now I appreciate things on a deeper level and from a historical point of view. He's really been a very stylish influence to have.
a silly hat
He has recently started having headaches which have been caused by cancer travelling from it's main mother ship and killing off the other areas of the body, and I learnt it can travel up the spinal cord and effect the brain, so Steve has these occasional blindingly excrutiating headaches and needs me to help him everywhere. I've encouraged him to not stop using and exercising his brain, and through periods of release with smoking weed, I get him to write. He's writing his own blog, and we wrote some funny poetry. He used to have a bell to ring when he needed me, but we replaced it with a plush cuddly toy bird, a blue-tit, that tweets loudly when you squeeze it. It was a present from Evil Lizzy.
I was interupted last night though not by the bell or tit, but by my phone ringing excessively. I hate to admit it but where a lot of my anger was triggered this week was from people in contact with me on my phone, and I'm letting it get to me because I feel the more I ignore people despite the situations im facing, the more likely they are going to insult me and leave me. Though its not abandonement I am worried for, it's the harsh words and the guilt I would feel. I sometimes get so annoyed with certain friends, mainly the ones who aren't that close and who I never see that often anymore and who never listen and don't understand and think that I can just drop everything to get drunk and listen to them repeat themselves on something trivial like being ugly or having boyfriend problems... people who's main conversation topic is their relationship or lack of and therefore life mission to obtain one... I think it's rude that I sit there over coffee and listen to all the dates and bollocks you line up for yourself and have the manners to remember the mundanity you ooze out because hey, isnt that the fucking point?-but for you to completely forget that my time is entirely consumed looking after a friend who is terminally ill and that in fact it's a simple thing to fucking remember, and then to insult me to ask me if I have 'a new man', really makes me wonder.
Bethan ringing me was comical though, because I didn't answer, but I had forgotten that I had changed my phone ring to this spooky alien ghost jingle and it went off right next to my head while I was just gaining access to that deep sleepy dreamy land. It scared the shit out of me.
Anyway apart from all that, I have been listening to a lot of music, looking for new stuff but ended up listening to songs from the list I made 6 months ago that summed up the songs of last year. I was in the kitchen and that song 'somebody i used to know' came on. If it wasn't for my ex, i'd never listen to it like I did the whole way through. I don't even like it: it's the typical Urban Outfitters love tripe, it's like a 'broken heart' wrapped in a plaid Hollister shirt under an Ikea bed next to a copy of Nylon Guys. But it got me thinking because it reminded me of my ex so bad before, it would send me into a panic but I didn't feel anything, and I thought that was good going. But then I realised it was 2 years ago, not 1 year, like I initially thought in my stoned haze there in the kitchen, that I was with someone properly and all that shit began. Time really has gone by two quick yet there is actually such a lot of change to show for it.
I started thinking about how I now feel about relationships and because of what I specifically went through, not that it was any more dramatic or pathetic as anyone else's, I was offered the opportunity, maybe subconciously to change my attitude towards that supposedly big part of an adult human's life in a way that was acceptable yet completely different. You could argue that now I may have become bitter, but I don't spit at other people's relationships if they are good. If they are bad I don't acknowledge it to myself either in that way, I don't need reassurance or even status alone to being single, but I realise how much better from looking at other people's bad relationships that it is to not be involved at all if there is at least one fatal flaw in the connection. I just wish I had realised whatever it is I realised 10 years ago. If I had, ironically I'd probably be with someone but be completely unaware that it is supposed to be a specific feature of my life.
I feel now there is a bigger life out there for me, and as much as I love playing home owner here at Steve's, deep down I am anxious to meet people and experience things and do things and go places, rather than for the reason to meet people to be known, but to learn more about anything. That way a life connection to a guy will present itself to me, and unknowingly I will start something that would last forever, without even realising it.
Another by Daisy. How do you reference other people's work? with a link or something?
Saturday, 18 May 2013
five seconds to your heart
My mother had a heart attack, a mild one, but an attack all the same, and while she stays over at City Hospital tonight, I rushed back to nothing but an emergency to stop thinking and panicking. So to take my mind off things I will write here, because whats this blog for if for not getting my thoughts and and clarifying my mind? As the space coyote once said, 'clarity is the path to inner peace'.
Whilst hanging out in hallucinogenic landscapes the coyote delivers a wise message. To stop the mind from cluttering and confusing you need to step back and wipe the page clean and just put you and the problem on the page alone, to solve and then move forward.
Yeah, I could be pitying the situation and think why me? shouting nooo out the window and holding my cranium in my hands, heavy and sorrowful. I could cyber stalk my ex boyfriends and think 'that could of been me', but that's just stupid. Why would I be letting the unnecessary clutter of life's pointless problems spill out onto the action plan of a problem I desperately need to solve?
My mother isn't some chain smoking, alcoholic beached whale with a penchant for deep fried battered hot dogs, though I admit her diet is not balanced and she does absolutely no exercise, I have remade it my mission to save her. I want to put her on a specific diet similar to mine (after of course I've kicked my sugar addiction) and spend time exercising with her so her little heart can expand freely without something blocking it again.
So now, thanks to you, am thinking positively because if i was to worry and be negative the energy could have an undesirable effect on the situation and I believe positive energy can heal, so I need to show her the face of change and that it smiles and is proactive in making things all better again.
Get well soon Mother!
kiss you off
Whilst hanging out in hallucinogenic landscapes the coyote delivers a wise message. To stop the mind from cluttering and confusing you need to step back and wipe the page clean and just put you and the problem on the page alone, to solve and then move forward.
Yeah, I could be pitying the situation and think why me? shouting nooo out the window and holding my cranium in my hands, heavy and sorrowful. I could cyber stalk my ex boyfriends and think 'that could of been me', but that's just stupid. Why would I be letting the unnecessary clutter of life's pointless problems spill out onto the action plan of a problem I desperately need to solve?
My mother isn't some chain smoking, alcoholic beached whale with a penchant for deep fried battered hot dogs, though I admit her diet is not balanced and she does absolutely no exercise, I have remade it my mission to save her. I want to put her on a specific diet similar to mine (after of course I've kicked my sugar addiction) and spend time exercising with her so her little heart can expand freely without something blocking it again.
severe bob
Get well soon Mother!
Monday, 13 May 2013
you're still not in your own world
i have made the concious serious decision to improve my health today. i will make the following small changes to my lifestyle
exercise by doing x10 sit ups and press ups a day to build up stamina and to tone my muscles and to go swimming because its very good for you and i want to buy some new swimming trunks. I want to also learn and practice some basic massage. i want to eat more chicken, less red meat and cut out all sugar and caffeine and complex carbs with the exception of fridays which will bring us pizza and milkshake. you have to be able to enjoy yourself once a week. I will have a big healthy breakfast each day. Instead of sugary cups of tea and sugary juice I will have water and herbal tea with honey and smoothies in the morning. along with the exercise and slight change in diet I want to concentrate on maintaining my self as I have a tendency to 'let myself go'. And then to top off the change I am going to do something to help my mind, so I am going to involve myself more in my new 'hobby' and read my tarot more.
I have got Steve really psyched about photography and we have been taking photos all weekend. I am impressed. We also spent a lot of time relieving pain, and throwing away stuff.
Last week was kind of depressing by default. It rained not that I noticed that much at the time but I went to see Uncle Adrian and Lynne Lawerence at good hope , and it was depressing. I am glad that I am able to enable Steve to die in the luxury of his own home. Lynne wasn't even awake, it was very distressing. I have been also been experiencing slight self pity which is stupid and ridiculous and doesn't make any sense. I saw Greg on Wednesday and got horrifically drunk, ending up fighting with some down and out mess drinker like a lout. Why am I so angry.
Anyway I am now motivated and productive so no more of that. I am going to enjoy this week. I still know how to have fun and there is a part of me that I am simply not going to allow to fade.
exercise by doing x10 sit ups and press ups a day to build up stamina and to tone my muscles and to go swimming because its very good for you and i want to buy some new swimming trunks. I want to also learn and practice some basic massage. i want to eat more chicken, less red meat and cut out all sugar and caffeine and complex carbs with the exception of fridays which will bring us pizza and milkshake. you have to be able to enjoy yourself once a week. I will have a big healthy breakfast each day. Instead of sugary cups of tea and sugary juice I will have water and herbal tea with honey and smoothies in the morning. along with the exercise and slight change in diet I want to concentrate on maintaining my self as I have a tendency to 'let myself go'. And then to top off the change I am going to do something to help my mind, so I am going to involve myself more in my new 'hobby' and read my tarot more.
I have got Steve really psyched about photography and we have been taking photos all weekend. I am impressed. We also spent a lot of time relieving pain, and throwing away stuff.
Last week was kind of depressing by default. It rained not that I noticed that much at the time but I went to see Uncle Adrian and Lynne Lawerence at good hope , and it was depressing. I am glad that I am able to enable Steve to die in the luxury of his own home. Lynne wasn't even awake, it was very distressing. I have been also been experiencing slight self pity which is stupid and ridiculous and doesn't make any sense. I saw Greg on Wednesday and got horrifically drunk, ending up fighting with some down and out mess drinker like a lout. Why am I so angry.
Anyway I am now motivated and productive so no more of that. I am going to enjoy this week. I still know how to have fun and there is a part of me that I am simply not going to allow to fade.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
floor to floor
my camera is still being repaired so I am becoming ever more frustrated without now I've set up my new fashion blog as I can't post anything without decent photos. I tried with some pictures taken on my phone and it just doesn't cut it. earlier, i helped steve sort out all his clothes, of which he had many, and discovered a number of things that I really like and am looking forward to wear, such as a pair of vintage 1940s trousers which are the exact fit that I am looking for but is not available anywhere affordable, and some shirts and stuff. So because of that I want to post even more. I'm not sure what the intention is with the fashion blog though it would be nice to make money off it (especially now I am unemployed). I feel differently about it compared to the lame attempt I made a few years ago. HAving done my research I realised before that I was doing it all for the wrong reasons, and making all the main mistakes. I'm optimistic with this attempt as I have improved my writing style, and it's also a place to exhibit my photography skills I apparently have, as well as my styling and editorial ideas.
anyway thats all i'm going to say on that. I've moved out of Pussy Palace, for financial and carer reasons. Whats the point in paying for a room (a lot as well) that I am literally never in? I loaned my furniture to Sammi and am going to stay with steve to ensure maximum care and comfort (for him).
not a lot else has happened. I saw Hayley and my brother yesterday, and had a really nice time catching up with Hayley.
Without a job my life is pretty easy...So I don't have a hell of a lot to say. Oh we watched Dont Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead earlier. that always makes me feel like I want to lie my way into a job that I'm not qualified for.
anyway thats all i'm going to say on that. I've moved out of Pussy Palace, for financial and carer reasons. Whats the point in paying for a room (a lot as well) that I am literally never in? I loaned my furniture to Sammi and am going to stay with steve to ensure maximum care and comfort (for him).
not a lot else has happened. I saw Hayley and my brother yesterday, and had a really nice time catching up with Hayley.
Without a job my life is pretty easy...So I don't have a hell of a lot to say. Oh we watched Dont Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead earlier. that always makes me feel like I want to lie my way into a job that I'm not qualified for.
Sunday, 28 April 2013
i would offer you a drink but i haven't got any ice
I dont feel like updating about the last two weeks. All I will say is that I left my job and have spent about two weeks resting and getting over a year and a half of being bullied, sabotaged and conspired against at work, and two weeks did the trick. I may not have a job, but I took the quick mile and decided that I would like to retain some dignity and self respect than endure a place where I am humiliated by staff who smile falsley to my face and lie and deceive about my work standards behind my back. I don't want to work with people, in particular one person who will go to any length to claim my position, and another sick individual who stands beside, fuelling the rumour mill to keep the shit freshly stirred. Not at all.
So I am going to write about me now and me in the future.
As for work, I will after the weekend start looking for something easy and part time. I am hoping to start receiving carer's allowance for looking after Steve. My actual help is required more now as Steve is finding it harder to do things. This in turn has forced me to reassess my priorities and dedication to the responsibilty, and by the way things went the last weekend at Pussy Palace, I want to spend as much time at Steve's as possible, I am going to go with the flow and be where I can see him. My presence is needed as much as possible now, at every free moment. There will be times where I will leave him for the night to drink red wine in my room at Pussy Palace, and prance around to music infront of my mirror, but otherwise I am here. I am looking for a small single floor bed, something on a tatami mat, Japanese, to have in the room with him so I don't have to share anymore and so I can sort my back out. I hate sleeping on beds, and more so I hate sharing beds, with anyone. Even boyfriends. I have a mental list in order of discomfort, of friends I have shared beds with. Greg is pretty difficult. Steve is not so bad, I have my side - he has his.
I have just started a fashion/fashion photography blog, a place where I can show case my photos and talk about what I think fashion and style is and how I live within it, how it is a productive and positive influence in my life, how it can free from being shallow and conceited and how personalities and intelligence can be applied to how we dress every day. Instead of typical fashion blog pictures which literally show 'what I wore today' I want to feature the looks and styles through editorial style photos, creatively, sometimes on other people, in unusual settings with obscure stories behind the set-up. I really want to start posting, I'm pretty much set up, the domain works and everything is ready, all I need to do is look into copywrite, and creating a logo and a heading, a real look for it, but it's early days and those things are left to be considered further down the line when I hopefully start to make a name for myself and have substantial material to exhibit. However I can't really do much as my camera is still in repair, and I am a little intimidated on where to start and how much work it seems will have to go into some of these photos, but I suppose I've got to start somewhere and have to be open minded about how things turn out from the beginning. You can only but improve with stuff like this.
I have deleted ALL profiles, including Facebook. No way do I want to find or start anything romantic with a man in or from Birmingham. The accent cuts through me anyway, and I eventually want to immigrate anyway. I have however created an OKCupid profile for the opportunity to have a pen friend style friendship abroad with the hopeful prospect one day of meeting people on travels. I often fantasise about who I might end up with and want to be 100% open to meeting someone by the end of the year. One thing I learnt is how valuable taking time is with these things. We can't fully love, or trust, or be our true selves with someone unless we have taken as much time as possible getting to know this person, often in circumstances that aren't comfortable or typical. But I do like to day dream and often think that the guy I will meet that will grab my attention for good will not be English. He will be American or German or Spanish or French, and will understand me on a level that I feel no English person can, because of the damaged social structure we live in here. I feel I am often scrutinised and summed up straight away, no one is free for a chance, or to experiment personally with. We are all up for judgement here.
Deleting Facebook is a good idea though, being on there did nothing for me. I was constantly harrassed by an ex with mutiple profiles, and I was sick of the fact I was associated with some people on my friends list. I don't miss it and shan't create a new one. If I meet people on the way in my life, I will keep in touch with them like a normal person: by phone or by email. Or I might just write a normal letter to them using one of those things, what's it now... a pen. Or I might just visit them. Seeing people is much better than being friends with a picture of your friend.
I don't have a lot more to say really apart from that my time will be consumed with job searching and business building. I will allow my creative juices to flow freely and all over the place. While I'm being disciplined, I may as well review my diet and my lifestyle and start using some free time to being healthy, and change my body. I need a haircut, I saw an interesting looking barbers in the arcade in town, where the tobacconist and pen shop is. May give it a try, see what happens.
Saturday, 13 April 2013
u so crazy
| Personality Disorder Test Results
|
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com
Sunday, 24 March 2013
they warned me the devil was attractive
Some might argue I have experienced a week in Hell, I say it's all part of the challenge, and the more shit life throws at me, the more I surprise myself with how I now deal with it after the initial angry reaction to it (anger runs in the family). I received a text message off my ex Cameron which went a bit like this:
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy to hear from him, and I give people so many chances and believe that people deserve it, and when they desperately plead they have changed, the good nature I possess feels sympathetic for them, and the friend that I can be comes out: loyal, open minded, non judgemental and always good for a laugh. I liked the idea of putting the past behind me, as I am forever trying to balance my karma. I was even offered my jacket back, the short double breasted coat that he took from me that I loved so much. I felt, in this rare occasion that karma was rewarding me materially for giving him a chance, yet felt anxious due to his typical track record and the fact that karma does not work within the confines of material wealth and that I am not materially driven at all (I appreciate quality, not status).
Because the message was so long and I am so busy, I thought it would be good to meet up, just to catch up and get this jacket and was brutally rebuffed on the Monday night with the expected. Cameron's intention would be to have me wanting him back, tempted by the piece of his happy relationship he metaphorically dangled before my eyes, with his executive sounding partner, who probably came complete with car and own place, the vital essentials for a happy relationship (for someone living in a meticulously constructed fantasy world deeply influenced by the 'morals' presented by Sex and the City). I was left hurt not by that, because I don't have feelings or care about him at all, but by the fact that some cruel people like him, even after a considerable amount of time of, lets just say, a year, never change. A leopard never changes its spots and a slapper never changes her knickers.
'Homerwit Romance' is an anagram of Cameron's name. His zodiac sign is Taurus.
Then, while I was recovering from this horrifying reality that someone could coexist in this society with such a flaw, I had another one of societies evil outcasts rear its ugly head and inflict it's swarm of cuntiness upon me in the form of lies and gossip. Out of respect of this person, they shall not be named, because ironically I don't want to hurt this person, yet this person needs to be named and shamed on the basis that they are a bully. All I want to know is why this person felt they needed to lie to give my boss the impression that I had done something which if I had really done would of resulted me in being instantly dismissed from work. Why would you want to fuck someones life up when you know how much they are having to deal with, especially when you're the kind of person who is nice to everyone and treats others how he wants to be treated. I just don't get it. Answers on a fucking postcard please.
The person who did this to me also happens to be a Taurus.
Then to top it off, my complaint to Breast Cancer awareness was responded to. I was not satisfied with the action they informed me they were taking, and clearly took the side of the fundraiser despite her lying about what happened. My complaint clearly outlined that she couldn't of been mixing me up with someone else. I just felt that at the end of the week I had been inundated with lies, manipulation and deception, and felt so sad because how the hell does the world have so many people like this?
However, with a certain amount of bad comes an amount of good, and there are good things that come out of anything bad. The good I have realised are the following:
Greg comes back to England in 3 weeks.
Hi Andrew. You don't have to reply blah blah blah. I saw you browsing Hawaiian Tropic (label name drop). I wanted to give you a hug, for some reason. I wanted to tell you about everything that I have been up to because it's more important that you know how I'm doing and the progress it looks like I've made on the outside. You were my best friend (probably because no one has been crazy enough to give you that much of a chance before). I want to chat to you as my friend. And more over the top flattering stuff, like thanks and sorry.... you get the picture.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy to hear from him, and I give people so many chances and believe that people deserve it, and when they desperately plead they have changed, the good nature I possess feels sympathetic for them, and the friend that I can be comes out: loyal, open minded, non judgemental and always good for a laugh. I liked the idea of putting the past behind me, as I am forever trying to balance my karma. I was even offered my jacket back, the short double breasted coat that he took from me that I loved so much. I felt, in this rare occasion that karma was rewarding me materially for giving him a chance, yet felt anxious due to his typical track record and the fact that karma does not work within the confines of material wealth and that I am not materially driven at all (I appreciate quality, not status).
Because the message was so long and I am so busy, I thought it would be good to meet up, just to catch up and get this jacket and was brutally rebuffed on the Monday night with the expected. Cameron's intention would be to have me wanting him back, tempted by the piece of his happy relationship he metaphorically dangled before my eyes, with his executive sounding partner, who probably came complete with car and own place, the vital essentials for a happy relationship (for someone living in a meticulously constructed fantasy world deeply influenced by the 'morals' presented by Sex and the City). I was left hurt not by that, because I don't have feelings or care about him at all, but by the fact that some cruel people like him, even after a considerable amount of time of, lets just say, a year, never change. A leopard never changes its spots and a slapper never changes her knickers.
'Homerwit Romance' is an anagram of Cameron's name. His zodiac sign is Taurus.
Then, while I was recovering from this horrifying reality that someone could coexist in this society with such a flaw, I had another one of societies evil outcasts rear its ugly head and inflict it's swarm of cuntiness upon me in the form of lies and gossip. Out of respect of this person, they shall not be named, because ironically I don't want to hurt this person, yet this person needs to be named and shamed on the basis that they are a bully. All I want to know is why this person felt they needed to lie to give my boss the impression that I had done something which if I had really done would of resulted me in being instantly dismissed from work. Why would you want to fuck someones life up when you know how much they are having to deal with, especially when you're the kind of person who is nice to everyone and treats others how he wants to be treated. I just don't get it. Answers on a fucking postcard please.
The person who did this to me also happens to be a Taurus.
Then to top it off, my complaint to Breast Cancer awareness was responded to. I was not satisfied with the action they informed me they were taking, and clearly took the side of the fundraiser despite her lying about what happened. My complaint clearly outlined that she couldn't of been mixing me up with someone else. I just felt that at the end of the week I had been inundated with lies, manipulation and deception, and felt so sad because how the hell does the world have so many people like this?
However, with a certain amount of bad comes an amount of good, and there are good things that come out of anything bad. The good I have realised are the following:
- My ex-boyfriend needs to be avoided under every circumstance, even in apocalyptic maximum death scenarios
- The jacket is no longer missed as its probably drenched in Cameron's bad energy and cheap Hollister cologne
- That analysing a situation obsessively can benefit you in the same way a detective solves a case
- I am nicer than most people, thats why I have a small group of likeminded friends rather than loads of faux friendships defined by facebook photos of the same sideways head pose.
Greg comes back to England in 3 weeks.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
The Pleasure Principle?
I've ridden the past fortnight like some emotional roller coaster, but not a Nemesis or an Oblivion, more like some really dangerous tea cups at the fair, though tea cups spin round I guess I have been going round and round and round and round... pleasing everyone, even people who I feel don't deserve my sympathetic attention. I'm talking about you, Captain Canada. He finally got a job so is moving, so now he can shut up about the dilemmas and worries that over-educating yourself into such a specific career that you're left pretty much paying for a one way ticket to a premature midlife crisis. Some people are satisfied with owning their own picket fence but I don't care much for suburbia. It's false perfection as we all know is a front for people who can't admit that they have problems or feelings, a whitewash to cover the sad fact that they make daily decisions based on what they think other people think of them. The paint peeled thanks to TV and film and my point is you can work and stress yourself out for this ultimate goal so that by the off chance someone else might be thinking what you want them to think, but the point is we all still wipe our ass after having a shit and frankly I don't care about your problems.
I feel bad for Captain Canada though. Through his generosity and care is a small boy, who threw himself into a world he believes he can make, but it doesn't belong to him. How can you protect a person who thinks they always know best? He is going to give me his bike when he leaves. It makes me feel like a man in a world where 'real men' need to prove their masculinity by plucking their eyebrows.
Yesterday a certain pattern repeated itself with my ex boyfriend and I initially wondered how far and to what extent would a normal person go to keep in contact with someone they were once with. I have over the last year felt extremely pressured to keep a friendship with my ex, through being bullied and harassed to being emotionally blackmailed by him. However I feel differently because I simply don't care (the stage where you don't even bother telling the people you told about the time before). However, I do wonder how I could be such an influence on someones life by not actually doing anything, and you know what they say, even supermodels get lonely. I however believe supermodels are really busy, and if you spend your time pining after someone or something, then you're not helping your situation and you find something worth while to do or a good cause to live for rather than attending to your own selfish emotional needs. Pull your head out your ass cos the light is actually switched ON.
I have encountered people and exchanges all week with a mixture of nice and nasty. I feel like including a couple of lists so here are two lists of things that have made me really angry and happy over the last fortnight. I'll start with the anger list, get the bad out first:
BAD
GOOD
Pussy Palace is amazing. It's probably the best place ever because it is warm and safe. Everyone has been helpful with moving and helping me settle in. I've only stayed there once but it's so near Steve's that it's no effort at all to move between the two. The second Monday away was Ben's birthday and I took him out for dinner because a few days before I think he realised that to get my attention and for me to be nice you'd have to have some sort of problem that involves loneliness. When I told him I was on to him and that I wasn't amused he changed his tune, but I took him out nevertheless because I really like Cote and I am glad because I was served the most succulent chicken I've ever sunk my beak into. I got him pissed beforehand at Island on my favourite cocktail (Zombie), whilst letting him talk his usual pointless small talk between intervals of proclaiming that he doesn't get drunk easily despite the zombie which had clearly gone straight to his head. I reminded him that Chinese people only need to have one drink and they are gone for the whole night. We then proceeded to the restaurant where I unknowingly made him cry by ranting about my life (I'd had wine and was on social and political auto-witter) and then him telling me how good I am. How does that white picket fence look now? Cos I just drove through it. I hate it when he cries, it's a little bit pathetic. He cried when I told him about how I was bullied at school. Surely it should be the other way round?
Oh and I made friends with an entire glee club from Florida via Chatroulette. I was bored and decided to see if I could fool some American girls into believing I was straight and seducing them with my accent but ended up listening to a guy singing a bit like Whitney Houston. I hope to meet them one day and join their group. My grandparents are in Florida at the moment, maybe she should meet them for me.
Picture updates...
I feel bad for Captain Canada though. Through his generosity and care is a small boy, who threw himself into a world he believes he can make, but it doesn't belong to him. How can you protect a person who thinks they always know best? He is going to give me his bike when he leaves. It makes me feel like a man in a world where 'real men' need to prove their masculinity by plucking their eyebrows.
Yesterday a certain pattern repeated itself with my ex boyfriend and I initially wondered how far and to what extent would a normal person go to keep in contact with someone they were once with. I have over the last year felt extremely pressured to keep a friendship with my ex, through being bullied and harassed to being emotionally blackmailed by him. However I feel differently because I simply don't care (the stage where you don't even bother telling the people you told about the time before). However, I do wonder how I could be such an influence on someones life by not actually doing anything, and you know what they say, even supermodels get lonely. I however believe supermodels are really busy, and if you spend your time pining after someone or something, then you're not helping your situation and you find something worth while to do or a good cause to live for rather than attending to your own selfish emotional needs. Pull your head out your ass cos the light is actually switched ON.
I have encountered people and exchanges all week with a mixture of nice and nasty. I feel like including a couple of lists so here are two lists of things that have made me really angry and happy over the last fortnight. I'll start with the anger list, get the bad out first:
BAD
- reading terrible reviews on google about my estate agents
- general estate agent paranoia
- more snow
- girl stabbed on bus
- having to get bus from moseley with previous bullet point's paranoia
- being heavily armed with sharp kitchen cutlery enroute to pussy palace
- fundraiser bitch ruining my day and being a cunt. for the complaint see the end of the post.
- party cancellation due to "a bad feeling"
- having to reassure a number of girls over problems that seem so trivial. what are friends for though!
- running out of skins and having to roll a spliff with a page from the bible
- cunts of solihull being, well, cunts
- having to pay extra months rent because im lazy and never read my post
GOOD
- a cat
- moving went exactly as planned
- full hope of receiving full deposit
- red wine
- bonus due at end of month
- sense of organisation that just comes from nowhere
- general contentment
- stew and dumplings
- mothers day fun (i got her lillies)
- an abundance of cannabis
- realising that if there is something i dont want at pussy palace, there are 2 men willing to burn it for me
- Captain Canada finally getting a job
Pussy Palace is amazing. It's probably the best place ever because it is warm and safe. Everyone has been helpful with moving and helping me settle in. I've only stayed there once but it's so near Steve's that it's no effort at all to move between the two. The second Monday away was Ben's birthday and I took him out for dinner because a few days before I think he realised that to get my attention and for me to be nice you'd have to have some sort of problem that involves loneliness. When I told him I was on to him and that I wasn't amused he changed his tune, but I took him out nevertheless because I really like Cote and I am glad because I was served the most succulent chicken I've ever sunk my beak into. I got him pissed beforehand at Island on my favourite cocktail (Zombie), whilst letting him talk his usual pointless small talk between intervals of proclaiming that he doesn't get drunk easily despite the zombie which had clearly gone straight to his head. I reminded him that Chinese people only need to have one drink and they are gone for the whole night. We then proceeded to the restaurant where I unknowingly made him cry by ranting about my life (I'd had wine and was on social and political auto-witter) and then him telling me how good I am. How does that white picket fence look now? Cos I just drove through it. I hate it when he cries, it's a little bit pathetic. He cried when I told him about how I was bullied at school. Surely it should be the other way round?
Oh and I made friends with an entire glee club from Florida via Chatroulette. I was bored and decided to see if I could fool some American girls into believing I was straight and seducing them with my accent but ended up listening to a guy singing a bit like Whitney Houston. I hope to meet them one day and join their group. My grandparents are in Florida at the moment, maybe she should meet them for me.
Picture updates...
A quick sketch of mine
My new cat reading up before the big spell
Friday, 1 March 2013
you keep me under your spell
When Steve saw these photos, he commented on the emptiness in my eyes. They were all taken around 'that time' where I felt like I was losing myself. But I never looked at these pictures of myself in the way he did. What shocked me was his immidiate shock when he saw them. He said I looked empty, thin, distant. I was doing a lot of coke at the time and having a nervous breakdown. I constantly listened to Desire, whilst phasing in and out of coke induced comas at my apartment on Newhall Street.
something's got a hold of me
The weekend (which for me is Saturday night, Sunday and Monday) was well spent consisting of activities such as creating our own playing cards and having a general laugh. I felt a lot more relaxed knowing that Monday wasn't haunting me, like some old cloaked hag, possibly the Scottish widow's mother in law, leading me down the torturous path that i have been accustomed to so lately. I knew that i was free to spend the day how i wished, which would be spent relaxingly and productively.
During the weekend I finally sorted out the whole spotify situation as I needed to renew my membership and now i get access to it on my phone, which now more or less defeats the object of ever getting an ipod as i get free access to any music on my phone that i listen to on my head phones when I'm in transit anywhere. like living alone, it was one thing i was in denial about when I did without it. likening myself to some neo traditionalist i told myself and others that i didn't like this isolation and disconnection with the outside world, but when on the train i think its really improved my mood now the low life scum have been blocked out with great music.
also at the weekend i received two more books off Steve- one was a small book of cat quotations, the other an interiors book by Laura Ashley that Steve was foolishly going to donate to charity. i love Laura Ashley and am so glad that I have acquired this book, its given me some important points of reassurance which has reminded me to approach the whole making my new room nice with patience but also some aesthetic ideas that go with that whole Laura Ashley look combined with the minimal and tranquil style i want to achieve.
On Monday I got stoned and listened to music endlessly whilst lying on the floor next to the heater. I missed how much I liked putting my headphones on, listening to anything I wanted and day dreaming. I felt grateful with my honest appreciation for technology and realised that I was just suppressing change in the past, when i claimed i could live without nice phones, computers and music, similar to realising that living alone was a load of shit and that I am actually too young to turn into a hermit just yet.
After more mini revelations about stuff that I've forgotten about now, I got up and went to my flat to collect the rest of my clothes and to clear up, ready to be moved out; a task I really didn't feel like I was going to feel like doing but ended up being a pleasant and straightforward and an enjoyable task which I put thanks to being nicely stoned, music to accompany my journey and a deeply relaxing weekend full of achievement mixed with debauchery. I've not thought this clearly in a long time.
When I got back I of course had a spliff to look forward to and some nice food and a good early night infused with lavender and I realised as I slipped into unconsciousness that I had experienced the perfect day off. It doesn't take much to please me.
The rest of week has been comfortable routine. I've had work and obviously I've been at Steve's, enjoying hearty meals, nice spliffs and endless Simpsons. It doesn't really get much better than that we declared.
Yesterday was a busy and tiring day for me. The last day of each month brings us stock take, the day where we painstakingly count every product in the shop so they can measure how much we have been robbed or over ordered on. It takes all day. I then agreed to do Zumba with Katie and Cassie which is taught by one of our Christmas temps we've re-employed, a 17 year old boy, which makes this whole experience truly bizarre. After zumba, which is basically energetic whore dancing to terrible music that whores like, I went back to my nans, had a bath I was too tired to appreciate and early night in bed.
And today's the first day of March so we can now well and truly tell February to fuck off. What a pointless month, sometimes I wonder if January is better, but then again we did have National Suck Your Hair Off Day, so in hindsight, a lot was done.
During the weekend I finally sorted out the whole spotify situation as I needed to renew my membership and now i get access to it on my phone, which now more or less defeats the object of ever getting an ipod as i get free access to any music on my phone that i listen to on my head phones when I'm in transit anywhere. like living alone, it was one thing i was in denial about when I did without it. likening myself to some neo traditionalist i told myself and others that i didn't like this isolation and disconnection with the outside world, but when on the train i think its really improved my mood now the low life scum have been blocked out with great music.
also at the weekend i received two more books off Steve- one was a small book of cat quotations, the other an interiors book by Laura Ashley that Steve was foolishly going to donate to charity. i love Laura Ashley and am so glad that I have acquired this book, its given me some important points of reassurance which has reminded me to approach the whole making my new room nice with patience but also some aesthetic ideas that go with that whole Laura Ashley look combined with the minimal and tranquil style i want to achieve.
On Monday I got stoned and listened to music endlessly whilst lying on the floor next to the heater. I missed how much I liked putting my headphones on, listening to anything I wanted and day dreaming. I felt grateful with my honest appreciation for technology and realised that I was just suppressing change in the past, when i claimed i could live without nice phones, computers and music, similar to realising that living alone was a load of shit and that I am actually too young to turn into a hermit just yet.
After more mini revelations about stuff that I've forgotten about now, I got up and went to my flat to collect the rest of my clothes and to clear up, ready to be moved out; a task I really didn't feel like I was going to feel like doing but ended up being a pleasant and straightforward and an enjoyable task which I put thanks to being nicely stoned, music to accompany my journey and a deeply relaxing weekend full of achievement mixed with debauchery. I've not thought this clearly in a long time.
When I got back I of course had a spliff to look forward to and some nice food and a good early night infused with lavender and I realised as I slipped into unconsciousness that I had experienced the perfect day off. It doesn't take much to please me.
The rest of week has been comfortable routine. I've had work and obviously I've been at Steve's, enjoying hearty meals, nice spliffs and endless Simpsons. It doesn't really get much better than that we declared.
Yesterday was a busy and tiring day for me. The last day of each month brings us stock take, the day where we painstakingly count every product in the shop so they can measure how much we have been robbed or over ordered on. It takes all day. I then agreed to do Zumba with Katie and Cassie which is taught by one of our Christmas temps we've re-employed, a 17 year old boy, which makes this whole experience truly bizarre. After zumba, which is basically energetic whore dancing to terrible music that whores like, I went back to my nans, had a bath I was too tired to appreciate and early night in bed.
And today's the first day of March so we can now well and truly tell February to fuck off. What a pointless month, sometimes I wonder if January is better, but then again we did have National Suck Your Hair Off Day, so in hindsight, a lot was done.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
MY EYES ARE DRY
The good thing about being at Steve's on the weekend is that we get completely wrecked and stay up all night so I'm fooled into thinking I have an extra day off. Whilst not working between 6 on Saturday till now, I am making use of the time when ordinarily most people are either asleep or crawling back from some piss drenched hole on Broad Street so they can spend the rest of Sunday unconcious with their head hanging over the toilet. Whilst here I have talked about life changes, discussed my life plan for the next 5 years and 'jokingly' submitted my photo to guyswithiphones.com because I always felt left out before, with my shit Blackberry.
The week has been an equal level of pure appreciation and reflection combined with pure frustration and fear. I am frustrated with the Canadian because our personalities are one of those rare combinations that I have an almost allergic personality reaction. No matter what he does or how hard he tries, he frustrates me. It seems the more of a cunt I am to him, the more nicer to me he is. My bad karma is through the roof because of this little cunt.
im sorry
However, this frustration and fear has been kindly balanced by moments of enjoyment and crucial reflection. I've been feeling very creative. I have been able to chill out most nights with a juicy spliff. I have unwillingly watched Coronation Street. Work has been a laugh, we have created a whole list of National Days that we either want to find out exist or not or to create ourselves. Today was National Suck Your Hair Dry Day. This involves drying and styling your hair with a vacuum cleaner. Other days on the list include:
National Bonk Day
National Rag Out Day
National No Bra Day
National Who Knows whats in the punch Day
Long Island Iced Tea Appreciation Day
National Fanny Batter Week
This was all spurred on by the fact that Friday was National Margarita Day and apparently gays and trannys claim every day as National Margarita Day. I myself have never drank a Margarita. I'm more of a grog person.
Another good thing about this week is that I have had moments where I have really appreciated how different and great things are for me now, and it all worked out by doing the simple thing of doing the right thing and not the wrong thing. I have a tendency to be stubborn about my decision in fucking my life up. So I feel very lucky. I also really appreciate my job, as I sometimes think about how horrible it must be if I had to go to school and learn maths again.
.JPG)
I also read back on my old blogs and can't believe how different things and myself are, regardless of the space of time between then and now. It's made me realise how important recording everything down is, because now I have confirmation of my progress and I'm not living some deluded fantasy.
Steve made an interesting point about the winter- it seems longer than it is because so much, an almost abnormal amount of things have changed and happened in such a short time, and therfore we feel like stuck, like Bill Murray in 'Groundhog Day'. I do anyway, as I get the train every day. And the train is ALWAYS the same.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
FIRE walk with me... I am Frank
Things are going really well and I guess the natural optimist in me is on full contentment mode with the unexpected new direction my life took recently, which then made me realise that it's easy to know when to do the right thing for your happiness, and that's by choosing the good and sensible options in life's decisions.
My relationships with people at work that weren't so good in the past have vastly improved. This is all due to the new perspective I have been given not by looking after Steve but for being a friend, and for him sharing and understanding the wisdom he has. He has been my hero. I'm financially better off because I've paid my over draft, and the weird thing was I paid it off reluctantly because I wanted to buy things but when I eventually paid it off and saw the £1000 gone to the bank, I felt an overwhelming sense of security. I have moved from Moseley to Four Oaks to live with my mates in Pussy Palace so I've realised too how important my friends are and how being around people is good for us all. It's near Steve so I can care for him and that is my intention until the very end. My friendships of everyone I know are becoming more strong and loyal and I've rejected the old attitude I had which was that I was better off on my own. I'm seeing my brother a lot more, and I spend more time with Hayley because I always love being with her and I always feel so lifted after spending time with them. I've seen Emma a lot more, am back in touch with Sian and just feel that I am there for everyone and everyone is there for me, and it feels fantastic, that for the first time ever, in my life, I believe that people really like me for who I truly am.
Whilst I do have long term plans, I've learnt that things change all the time so there's no point having a plan set in stone. Short term plans are far more effective, and they involve improving my actual health, body, my skin, and help the girls as well. I have my Leica on it's way soon after repair and I intend to buy a new DSLR camera and a laptop, so I can really start my work. I'm bursting with ideas, with photos, fashion, styling, writing, interiors etc etc.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
Monday, 4 February 2013
Dedication
I'd like to dedicate my first post of the new year to my dear friend Daisy Blecker, who has always read and appreciated my blogs and supported my ideas despite how indecisive and fickle I am, and for being a really inspirational person to me and a great photographer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)