Thinking about changing the lay out/look of this blog. I want it to be less plain and boring.
Had a dream last night that a friend of mine (who I no longer speak to) got a new boyfriend. I was so happy for her that I forced her to go and get him immediately so I could meet him. I hope it is prophetic, despite this friend not being that much of a good friend anymore.
I previously wrote a lot about my week that's just gone by and the things that have happened, but I deleted it all because I was just harping on about how great I was feeling and stuff that I usually go on about. Basically I was writing in a way when you know someone else is now reading. So I regained composure and deleted it all and just thought about what I really want to write about, and who I really am. I've got to remember to not lose sight of the fact that I only write this blog for myself, no matter what responses, good or bad, I get from it.
I know that there are certain things that I don't need to write about on here any more. What's said is now said. I needed to be able to revisit the facts every time I started to lose focus. I certainly won't ever refer to that part of my life or that person ever again. I don't need to. But I feel concerned now that whatever I write on here now will mean more nasty, abusive messages from The Bully. I will change my number eventually, but who's to say that someone like that won't send me messages on here, or Facebook, or to my email? I'm not getting upset, because I know better, but I am now concerned as I get the feeling this is a bit out of control, a bit scary.
ANYWAY, last week was great, doesn't even touch how bad this week has been. Yet I feel fine. Almost a sort of feeling or purgatory. The beginning of last week was sad because I was at the flat on my own and this and that was gone. I saw ___ on Tuesday and he cheered me up. Then on the Wednesday I hung out with Daisy. We caught up, went to Bodega and then took photos at a spooky graveyard near her home. She gave me a spare kettle very kindly and I went off on my way. Thursday I was busy at work interviewing but was shamelessly persuaded to go to the Gale with Mark. Then on Friday I met up with Kay and went to the Lord Clifden. On Saturday I went to Chic with Sophie and on Sunday I met up with ___ in town again and had lunch and spent the day enjoying the weather and having a lot of fun. Monday I thought would be difficult, but when I was at work it was fine.
This week took a nasty turn. I can't write much about it because it is about work, and I don't want to take any more risks with work, I know how deceitful people can be. All I will say though is that I am shocked at how someone who appeared to be completely different to my face has gone out of their way to basically get me into a lot of trouble. And when you get into that much trouble where I work, they usually sack you, or at least make you jump.
I mulled this over with ___ on Tuesday night, whilst having dinner. Dinner was really good and I was impressed at what he cooked. I also tried avocado and radish for the first time. Not bad. Anyway, I found out that night that I've got a job interview in London, so I have a glimmer of hope perhaps. I'm trying my best to just look positively at everything, to understand all situations and to treat them how I want to be treated and I truly believe in karma. I didn't do anything wrong at all to warrant this sort of trouble at work, however, this might be what I need to move on to something much better. It's definitely inspired me to apply for more jobs anyway. I can't work in a company where their employees, for whatever reason, will backstab you and bad mouth you to your managers, when they have only met you once.
The rest of the week has been a sunny blur. I have been feeling really demotivated and bored. I am very tired. I am back at my parents looking after the house enjoying the luxuries. I actually can't wait to move back home. It will be my last summer in the house I grew up in. It means a lot to me, and I will spend 2 or 3 months if I am still here, living there and saving my money back up. I love it here and I miss my parents. I never thought I'd want to come back. I know I've got to move away and be grown up and I've done it before. But I love my parents and I love my home and it means more to me than anything really. I'm never going to let anyone ever make me think otherwise.
Anyway, it's my day off. I am off to meet someone. I am going to nandos and then I am going to look into booking a tattoo for my birthday.
Friday, 30 March 2012
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
i need someone else to look into my eyes and tell me girl you really need to watch your health
Had my tarot read this weekend, which clarified a lot. The interesting thing about tarot (and I am no stranger to it as I read them myself) is that it sometimes can state the obvious and also it can just confirm what you already know. This often is what you need, but also it's always nice to sort of know how the future turns out, or could potentially turn out, or for me now, how it should turn out if I follow the path of a specific card.
After a particulary bad night's sleep, memories that faded came back to haunt me about things that I thought Id forgotten and believed weren't real. All the things, and reasons, to why I did what I did, came back to me. I was forced to assess my situation the next day whilst at work. I kept myself full of energy, and the day was busy. I just knew that I couldn't carry on like this, I couldn't have another relapse of what happened the previous weeks, and I physically can't carry on like that anymore. So I thought all day. I came to a decision. A decision that I didn't have to make in the end.
Despite the elimination of what can only be described as the greatest poison that my life, my body and my soul has had to endure, I still needed the confirmation from the tarot and the insight that the future won't be hard. I have to say, it was probably one of the best readings I have ever had. The first time I had my tarot read, was by a proper fortune teller lady in Manchester's Affleck's Palace. I'd broken up with Matthew, who I was so in love with, and wanted to know if I would get back with him and if he really did love me, and all the shit a 19 year old pines over when they break up with someone they fell in love with. The reading was sort of disturbing, and she operated simultaneously with more than one deck of cards. The last card actually said 'NEVER' on it in big intimidating red writing, as she told me that he never really liked me. And she was right. He left me for someone else, and the last time I knew, they were still together. This however inspired me to start learning and I bought my first tarot deck that day.
Anyway, I would go in to detail about what the cards this weekend said individually but I would be bordering on making this into some sort of tarot card blog. Basically, the reading said that if I was to continue to maintain the revelation I experienced that day, then the future would lead onto positive things, which include developing something pure with someone else, and I think I know who that could be now. Pretty obvious reading? Like I said I need the obvious to be told to me sometimes, especially when I've been so blind to the facts of my current situation.
I don't begrudge Cameron for the way he treated me. Young people are like that. I was like that. It's a learning curve for him as well as myself so I think he needed this experience no matter how much it hurts, and I think it's hurt him more than me, because I've been in this game longer than he has, and I know the reason why he's treated and said the things he said to me. Unlucky for him it translates directly to me as someone desperate, scared, unsure and confirmed to me all the reasons in one go to why I didn't want to be with him in the first place. Of course I hurt, because when you finally break up with someone, it hurts, especially when that person has been specifically hurtful to you. But I haven't lost anything from not being with him. It's made me realise how lucky I am that I am the person that I am, and that I am not like him. Not to be derogatory to his way of life or to him as a person, but I wouldn't want to be part of a world like his ever. It's not a nice place, being horrible to people, working with people who are dull, your only access to the extensions of your life are through a company you hate, constantly having to belittle everything around you to validate your existence that you are resentful towards. It started to rub off on me. But before I met him, I actually liked my life. I like it again now.
In a nutshell, we were just not right for each other. He was too young and I was too stupid to be rational about this very simple fact, even when it presented itself as an obvious issue quite early on. We were besotted with each other and it was very spontaneous. But it didn't work. We are nothing like each other. We have nothing in common. And I tried to make it work, for the sake of being shallow, and it created a monster. So really, I blame myself.
That's not to say that he was horrible. Because he was. But you can't expect him to be nice. He wasn't a nice person in the beginning. I don't think he is a generally nice person anyway. How can he? If I was him, I wouldn't be. I've learned a lot about myself through him. I learned about mainly, the dangerous and damaging effects of being shallow and being in a shallow relationship. It turns you into a really boring person. I also learned about being more cautious. Go at your own pace, don't let people pressure you into things. And also about the importance of dignity, how people judge you on it, and how it's crucial to have self respect. But I learned good things too. I learned about the importance of romance and when you meet someone to not be scared to tell them you like them or even love them. That's the teenage lusting that I had a taste of. I also realized that yes I might be short with people and I might say it 'how it is' and I might shout but I am actually a fucking nice, generous and helpful person. I believe my friends when they tell me I am nice. Because my friends aren't going to lie to me. They don't judge people like he thought they did. They all gave him a chance. And it really reflected poorly on his character, or lack of, when he consistently slagged each and every one of them off to my face.
As for my actual taste in men, well....I like people with depth, with emotion and a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and someone who can make me smile obviously. A guy with style is always good. Cameron had none of this. It's not his fault though. But I am creative and like doing things that are interesting. I am social and like having fun. I didn't get this with him. I was suffocated by a world of retail corporate rules at home and bad aftershaves and conversations didn't go much further than pointless anecdotes about people I didn't know and who were not very interesting. I now ask myself one question now, for both of us: why? What did we ever see in each other?
My life has now taken a new turn. I've started to see someone else, he is a school teacher and more my age. We seem to have a lot in common. I find it so novel that I can be involved with someone who I am attracted to who I can have conversations with. And spend time with them without having to tend to their every need. It's really unusual. I have started to listen to new music, to represent a new change. The new Grimes album is amazing, so please listen to it. I am going to start back with all my projects and I am going to write a lot more. I don't want to be dragged down anymore this year with a pointless burden. I like life, I like living, and I can take control of my problems, but I won't let someone else ruin it all for me. And it's nearly summer.
After a particulary bad night's sleep, memories that faded came back to haunt me about things that I thought Id forgotten and believed weren't real. All the things, and reasons, to why I did what I did, came back to me. I was forced to assess my situation the next day whilst at work. I kept myself full of energy, and the day was busy. I just knew that I couldn't carry on like this, I couldn't have another relapse of what happened the previous weeks, and I physically can't carry on like that anymore. So I thought all day. I came to a decision. A decision that I didn't have to make in the end.
Despite the elimination of what can only be described as the greatest poison that my life, my body and my soul has had to endure, I still needed the confirmation from the tarot and the insight that the future won't be hard. I have to say, it was probably one of the best readings I have ever had. The first time I had my tarot read, was by a proper fortune teller lady in Manchester's Affleck's Palace. I'd broken up with Matthew, who I was so in love with, and wanted to know if I would get back with him and if he really did love me, and all the shit a 19 year old pines over when they break up with someone they fell in love with. The reading was sort of disturbing, and she operated simultaneously with more than one deck of cards. The last card actually said 'NEVER' on it in big intimidating red writing, as she told me that he never really liked me. And she was right. He left me for someone else, and the last time I knew, they were still together. This however inspired me to start learning and I bought my first tarot deck that day.
Anyway, I would go in to detail about what the cards this weekend said individually but I would be bordering on making this into some sort of tarot card blog. Basically, the reading said that if I was to continue to maintain the revelation I experienced that day, then the future would lead onto positive things, which include developing something pure with someone else, and I think I know who that could be now. Pretty obvious reading? Like I said I need the obvious to be told to me sometimes, especially when I've been so blind to the facts of my current situation.
I don't begrudge Cameron for the way he treated me. Young people are like that. I was like that. It's a learning curve for him as well as myself so I think he needed this experience no matter how much it hurts, and I think it's hurt him more than me, because I've been in this game longer than he has, and I know the reason why he's treated and said the things he said to me. Unlucky for him it translates directly to me as someone desperate, scared, unsure and confirmed to me all the reasons in one go to why I didn't want to be with him in the first place. Of course I hurt, because when you finally break up with someone, it hurts, especially when that person has been specifically hurtful to you. But I haven't lost anything from not being with him. It's made me realise how lucky I am that I am the person that I am, and that I am not like him. Not to be derogatory to his way of life or to him as a person, but I wouldn't want to be part of a world like his ever. It's not a nice place, being horrible to people, working with people who are dull, your only access to the extensions of your life are through a company you hate, constantly having to belittle everything around you to validate your existence that you are resentful towards. It started to rub off on me. But before I met him, I actually liked my life. I like it again now.
In a nutshell, we were just not right for each other. He was too young and I was too stupid to be rational about this very simple fact, even when it presented itself as an obvious issue quite early on. We were besotted with each other and it was very spontaneous. But it didn't work. We are nothing like each other. We have nothing in common. And I tried to make it work, for the sake of being shallow, and it created a monster. So really, I blame myself.
That's not to say that he was horrible. Because he was. But you can't expect him to be nice. He wasn't a nice person in the beginning. I don't think he is a generally nice person anyway. How can he? If I was him, I wouldn't be. I've learned a lot about myself through him. I learned about mainly, the dangerous and damaging effects of being shallow and being in a shallow relationship. It turns you into a really boring person. I also learned about being more cautious. Go at your own pace, don't let people pressure you into things. And also about the importance of dignity, how people judge you on it, and how it's crucial to have self respect. But I learned good things too. I learned about the importance of romance and when you meet someone to not be scared to tell them you like them or even love them. That's the teenage lusting that I had a taste of. I also realized that yes I might be short with people and I might say it 'how it is' and I might shout but I am actually a fucking nice, generous and helpful person. I believe my friends when they tell me I am nice. Because my friends aren't going to lie to me. They don't judge people like he thought they did. They all gave him a chance. And it really reflected poorly on his character, or lack of, when he consistently slagged each and every one of them off to my face.
As for my actual taste in men, well....I like people with depth, with emotion and a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and someone who can make me smile obviously. A guy with style is always good. Cameron had none of this. It's not his fault though. But I am creative and like doing things that are interesting. I am social and like having fun. I didn't get this with him. I was suffocated by a world of retail corporate rules at home and bad aftershaves and conversations didn't go much further than pointless anecdotes about people I didn't know and who were not very interesting. I now ask myself one question now, for both of us: why? What did we ever see in each other?
My life has now taken a new turn. I've started to see someone else, he is a school teacher and more my age. We seem to have a lot in common. I find it so novel that I can be involved with someone who I am attracted to who I can have conversations with. And spend time with them without having to tend to their every need. It's really unusual. I have started to listen to new music, to represent a new change. The new Grimes album is amazing, so please listen to it. I am going to start back with all my projects and I am going to write a lot more. I don't want to be dragged down anymore this year with a pointless burden. I like life, I like living, and I can take control of my problems, but I won't let someone else ruin it all for me. And it's nearly summer.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Sunday, 11 March 2012
My Life Aims for 2012
I have a list of new years resolutions I wrote and failed to transcribe or even think about on here up until now. Actually, going through the list, I am surprised how much I have stuck to, or at least starting doing around now anyway, which I don't need to include on what I've written here. This list was compiled during this weekend away. While I was thinking about stuff, something would pop up in my head as an idea to help towards the whole moving on process from something bad and the whole self exploration = happiness idea. There's a lot I want to do to make my life better. I know how bad I can feel when I feel really bad, and I will tell you one thing, I don't enjoy wallowing in it. That's why I am so desperate now to get on with my life and enjoy it, and put myself first and just do it.
New Job Abroad
okay so, this might not happen this year. But I thought about it, and I'm sick of dreaming of living abroad somewhere warm and free of chavs. I'd like a job to enable me to travel, so I applied for British Airways. I am looking into other things. But it's the ultimate thing to do, travel, and the ultimate thing to look forward to.
To write draft of 'The Party Bird'
Partly because I want to just get doing something creative, the Party Bird idea has been just an idea now since 2010.
To write up short story 'The Swimmer'
Something to finish off during what I am hoping will be a hot, sexy summer. Something to also do to rediscover myself in that way.
To start to learn a foreign language
Because I want to.
To join the Birmingham LGB Orchestra in April
Again, creativity helps the wounded heart and damaged mind and also, it's a good way to socialise and have fun.
To find out about film making and screenplay writing
Lots of ideas here.
To get a new tattoo
I have some ideas here but I don't want to get anything too crazy
To get cyst removed
On my chin. You can't see it at all. But I can feel it. And it makes me feel ugly.
To research Buddhism and Inner Peace
I just want to find out what it's all about
To maintain a new and enlightening diet - practice cooking.
I want to be really creative in the kitchen and be a 'good cook' at the same time as healthy. I'm sick of my diet which is at the moment orange juice, pizzas, wine and marlboro lights.
To learn to drive
Because I think it will boost my confidence. esp if I get a car. will help with job applications and will be able to just buy a car when I can afford it when I am older, rather than think, i want a car but hey I need to learn first.
To set up a savings account and follow rules from Automatic Millionaire
I need to save for my future, I'm getting too old now to be pissing it up the wall every month.
To not be emotionally independent
a lot of practice in self belief and stuff, a lot of reading I guess, should make me a stronger person. i cant be emotionally dependent anymore, it's up to me to create my own happiness no matter how much you do for anyone else.
To change name
I hate my name. always have always will.
Work on photography
I keep forgetting that, ultimately, this is what I want to do for a living.
Get a new phone and an iPod.
I'm sick of being behind with technology and not having music to listen to when im walking out and about.
Spend more time with Grandparents
cos when they're dead, I will regret not doing this and I will miss them
To write more letters and read more books
writing helps me, when I write, I clear my mind, especially if someone else will read what I wrote. and reading more books.... I should always have one book on the go
Escape Birmingham
Farewell, stink town
New Job Abroad
okay so, this might not happen this year. But I thought about it, and I'm sick of dreaming of living abroad somewhere warm and free of chavs. I'd like a job to enable me to travel, so I applied for British Airways. I am looking into other things. But it's the ultimate thing to do, travel, and the ultimate thing to look forward to.
To write draft of 'The Party Bird'
Partly because I want to just get doing something creative, the Party Bird idea has been just an idea now since 2010.
To write up short story 'The Swimmer'
Something to finish off during what I am hoping will be a hot, sexy summer. Something to also do to rediscover myself in that way.
To start to learn a foreign language
Because I want to.
To join the Birmingham LGB Orchestra in April
Again, creativity helps the wounded heart and damaged mind and also, it's a good way to socialise and have fun.
To find out about film making and screenplay writing
Lots of ideas here.
To get a new tattoo
I have some ideas here but I don't want to get anything too crazy
To get cyst removed
On my chin. You can't see it at all. But I can feel it. And it makes me feel ugly.
To research Buddhism and Inner Peace
I just want to find out what it's all about
To maintain a new and enlightening diet - practice cooking.
I want to be really creative in the kitchen and be a 'good cook' at the same time as healthy. I'm sick of my diet which is at the moment orange juice, pizzas, wine and marlboro lights.
To learn to drive
Because I think it will boost my confidence. esp if I get a car. will help with job applications and will be able to just buy a car when I can afford it when I am older, rather than think, i want a car but hey I need to learn first.
To set up a savings account and follow rules from Automatic Millionaire
I need to save for my future, I'm getting too old now to be pissing it up the wall every month.
To not be emotionally independent
a lot of practice in self belief and stuff, a lot of reading I guess, should make me a stronger person. i cant be emotionally dependent anymore, it's up to me to create my own happiness no matter how much you do for anyone else.
To change name
I hate my name. always have always will.
Work on photography
I keep forgetting that, ultimately, this is what I want to do for a living.
Get a new phone and an iPod.
I'm sick of being behind with technology and not having music to listen to when im walking out and about.
Spend more time with Grandparents
cos when they're dead, I will regret not doing this and I will miss them
To write more letters and read more books
writing helps me, when I write, I clear my mind, especially if someone else will read what I wrote. and reading more books.... I should always have one book on the go
Escape Birmingham
Farewell, stink town
London Moaning
So I've been to London to see my great 'friend' Matt, and lets just say that it's one thing I didn't want to do out of the way. I am finally home, from what can only be described as a typical weekend with this friend of mine. The trains were all screwed up so it took me 3 hours to get back, as I had to get a coach between Bicester and Leamington. I actually didn't mind, the day was nice and I've had a lot of time to think. So really I shouldn't be complaining about my friend as I didn't actually see him all weekend, and when I did he more or less ignored me, and I really just wanted to get away for the weekend to think things through. And I thought a lot of things over about stuff and have come to some serious decision making. It's not easy, but I need to take control. Anyway, my trip to London wasn't entirely wasted, as proved in the following things I also learnt:
- No matter how great you think you are, you are still a nobody in London.
- Tomb Raider is actually a really good film (was expecting it to be shit)
- Angelina Jolie really suits an English accent and has amazing tits.
- I might fancy Angelina Jolie.
- Consider going straight due to infatuation with Angelina Jolie and disappointing relationships with all men.
- Then consider that women are probably REALLY hard work.
- I like Matt's house mate Claire more than Matt. She shares the exact same birthday as me.
- Soho is overrated.
- The more I suffer, the more attractive I find myself.
Anyway I've come to the conclusion that Matt is a twat who obviously has some sort of ego problem because he likes making me feel like shit. What is the fucking point in inviting me down for a weekend of fun and catching up when you spend half the time either criticising me, acting like I am some sort of freak on day release, and the other half of the time spent totally ignoring me, to the point where you won't even WALK with me, because, and in your own words 'no offence, but you just don't walk fast enough'. You didn't even ask how I was when I arrived. So fuck you.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Monday, 5 March 2012
Things to do
You need to keep applying for those jobs, it will keep you going and is the light at the end of the tunnel - it's the hope of escape from this nightmare. You need to move on from this, but while you're stuck here, there's only so much you can do. You can't run away from your problems which is also true, but if you've got the whole world to explore then it's a lot more easier to move on.
You need to stop using the computer. The internet, social media and everything about it, is the main thing that is The Reminder. Because of this, even things that shouldn't remind you of him now do. It's crazy. So avoid everything on the computer: twitter, facebook, tumblr, etc... it causes you to be nervous, depressed, anxious, despair. It causes you to think too much. You should now only be using your computer to find a new job and to watch films on, in your room at night.
Stop listening to that music. Or just any music for a while. You need silence, and time to think and reflect. Time to write and to make sense, you're not giving yourself a chance to even move on slightly. Because, even music makes you think of him. The thought of some songs now makes me feel like I am about to have a panic attack. You need to block it out. One day you can listen to those songs or watch that film and it won't be a painful reminder.
Go on a detox. Give up everything addictive- sugar, caffeine, cigarettes. The last few weeks you put your body through some serious abuse. It needs recovery and it needs to be nourished. Go back to the gym. Meditate and practise yoga.
See your friends, but don't get drunk. You've been 'seeing' your friends when really you just wanted some company whilst you drank yourself into a unrecognisable stupor. But they are important, people. People to meet new people through. You can't hide away from the world.
The most serious thing to do is to stop taking drugs. If you really consider it, drugs are the main reason why everything in your life that could of been promising has been destroyed. If you think about it logically, it's why your relationship failed. Not completely why, but one of the main reasons why. They make you paranoid, and do things you regret, say things you don't mean and be the person you've always dreaded you'd become. And now it's all gone. Because you're insecure and you got high and you thought that being that way was more important than the man you were supposed to be together with.
Addiction is a terrible thing. I never thought I had an addictive personality, but I think we all do. We are all addicted to something, in our own way. When you suffer from depression, you need something that is self destructive to keep you 'there', that place, between reality and the decision. Some people gamble, or self harm. That's never been my style. For my entire adult life I have been a slave to drugs. I have let them take over. There hasn't been a time in my life between the age of 17 and now that I haven't consistently not been on drugs. But when you're depressed, drugs aren't the mechanism to cope with. As I've learnt recently, it can push you nearly too far
Lastly, you just need to stop thinking. Stop thinking about what if, and what are they doing now. Stop thinking about how happy they probably are without you. Stop thinking about it all. Because you need to move on and you need to forget.
Well, you'll never really forget about him. Like Matthew, he will become a memory like a photo. You remember the pain but you can't feel it anymore. You remembered how desperate you were, but it doesn't seem to make sense why anymore. You remember indifferently. It doesn't rouse any emotion at all. You don't celebrate that you're over it, because you never truly are. You just become used to the fact that it changed.
You need to stop using the computer. The internet, social media and everything about it, is the main thing that is The Reminder. Because of this, even things that shouldn't remind you of him now do. It's crazy. So avoid everything on the computer: twitter, facebook, tumblr, etc... it causes you to be nervous, depressed, anxious, despair. It causes you to think too much. You should now only be using your computer to find a new job and to watch films on, in your room at night.
Stop listening to that music. Or just any music for a while. You need silence, and time to think and reflect. Time to write and to make sense, you're not giving yourself a chance to even move on slightly. Because, even music makes you think of him. The thought of some songs now makes me feel like I am about to have a panic attack. You need to block it out. One day you can listen to those songs or watch that film and it won't be a painful reminder.
Go on a detox. Give up everything addictive- sugar, caffeine, cigarettes. The last few weeks you put your body through some serious abuse. It needs recovery and it needs to be nourished. Go back to the gym. Meditate and practise yoga.
See your friends, but don't get drunk. You've been 'seeing' your friends when really you just wanted some company whilst you drank yourself into a unrecognisable stupor. But they are important, people. People to meet new people through. You can't hide away from the world.
The most serious thing to do is to stop taking drugs. If you really consider it, drugs are the main reason why everything in your life that could of been promising has been destroyed. If you think about it logically, it's why your relationship failed. Not completely why, but one of the main reasons why. They make you paranoid, and do things you regret, say things you don't mean and be the person you've always dreaded you'd become. And now it's all gone. Because you're insecure and you got high and you thought that being that way was more important than the man you were supposed to be together with.
Addiction is a terrible thing. I never thought I had an addictive personality, but I think we all do. We are all addicted to something, in our own way. When you suffer from depression, you need something that is self destructive to keep you 'there', that place, between reality and the decision. Some people gamble, or self harm. That's never been my style. For my entire adult life I have been a slave to drugs. I have let them take over. There hasn't been a time in my life between the age of 17 and now that I haven't consistently not been on drugs. But when you're depressed, drugs aren't the mechanism to cope with. As I've learnt recently, it can push you nearly too far
Lastly, you just need to stop thinking. Stop thinking about what if, and what are they doing now. Stop thinking about how happy they probably are without you. Stop thinking about it all. Because you need to move on and you need to forget.
Well, you'll never really forget about him. Like Matthew, he will become a memory like a photo. You remember the pain but you can't feel it anymore. You remembered how desperate you were, but it doesn't seem to make sense why anymore. You remember indifferently. It doesn't rouse any emotion at all. You don't celebrate that you're over it, because you never truly are. You just become used to the fact that it changed.
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