Had my tarot read this weekend, which clarified a lot. The interesting thing about tarot (and I am no stranger to it as I read them myself) is that it sometimes can state the obvious and also it can just confirm what you already know. This often is what you need, but also it's always nice to sort of know how the future turns out, or could potentially turn out, or for me now, how it should turn out if I follow the path of a specific card.
After a particulary bad night's sleep, memories that faded came back to haunt me about things that I thought Id forgotten and believed weren't real. All the things, and reasons, to why I did what I did, came back to me. I was forced to assess my situation the next day whilst at work. I kept myself full of energy, and the day was busy. I just knew that I couldn't carry on like this, I couldn't have another relapse of what happened the previous weeks, and I physically can't carry on like that anymore. So I thought all day. I came to a decision. A decision that I didn't have to make in the end.
Despite the elimination of what can only be described as the greatest poison that my life, my body and my soul has had to endure, I still needed the confirmation from the tarot and the insight that the future won't be hard. I have to say, it was probably one of the best readings I have ever had. The first time I had my tarot read, was by a proper fortune teller lady in Manchester's Affleck's Palace. I'd broken up with Matthew, who I was so in love with, and wanted to know if I would get back with him and if he really did love me, and all the shit a 19 year old pines over when they break up with someone they fell in love with. The reading was sort of disturbing, and she operated simultaneously with more than one deck of cards. The last card actually said 'NEVER' on it in big intimidating red writing, as she told me that he never really liked me. And she was right. He left me for someone else, and the last time I knew, they were still together. This however inspired me to start learning and I bought my first tarot deck that day.
Anyway, I would go in to detail about what the cards this weekend said individually but I would be bordering on making this into some sort of tarot card blog. Basically, the reading said that if I was to continue to maintain the revelation I experienced that day, then the future would lead onto positive things, which include developing something pure with someone else, and I think I know who that could be now. Pretty obvious reading? Like I said I need the obvious to be told to me sometimes, especially when I've been so blind to the facts of my current situation.
I don't begrudge Cameron for the way he treated me. Young people are like that. I was like that. It's a learning curve for him as well as myself so I think he needed this experience no matter how much it hurts, and I think it's hurt him more than me, because I've been in this game longer than he has, and I know the reason why he's treated and said the things he said to me. Unlucky for him it translates directly to me as someone desperate, scared, unsure and confirmed to me all the reasons in one go to why I didn't want to be with him in the first place. Of course I hurt, because when you finally break up with someone, it hurts, especially when that person has been specifically hurtful to you. But I haven't lost anything from not being with him. It's made me realise how lucky I am that I am the person that I am, and that I am not like him. Not to be derogatory to his way of life or to him as a person, but I wouldn't want to be part of a world like his ever. It's not a nice place, being horrible to people, working with people who are dull, your only access to the extensions of your life are through a company you hate, constantly having to belittle everything around you to validate your existence that you are resentful towards. It started to rub off on me. But before I met him, I actually liked my life. I like it again now.
In a nutshell, we were just not right for each other. He was too young and I was too stupid to be rational about this very simple fact, even when it presented itself as an obvious issue quite early on. We were besotted with each other and it was very spontaneous. But it didn't work. We are nothing like each other. We have nothing in common. And I tried to make it work, for the sake of being shallow, and it created a monster. So really, I blame myself.
That's not to say that he was horrible. Because he was. But you can't expect him to be nice. He wasn't a nice person in the beginning. I don't think he is a generally nice person anyway. How can he? If I was him, I wouldn't be. I've learned a lot about myself through him. I learned about mainly, the dangerous and damaging effects of being shallow and being in a shallow relationship. It turns you into a really boring person. I also learned about being more cautious. Go at your own pace, don't let people pressure you into things. And also about the importance of dignity, how people judge you on it, and how it's crucial to have self respect. But I learned good things too. I learned about the importance of romance and when you meet someone to not be scared to tell them you like them or even love them. That's the teenage lusting that I had a taste of. I also realized that yes I might be short with people and I might say it 'how it is' and I might shout but I am actually a fucking nice, generous and helpful person. I believe my friends when they tell me I am nice. Because my friends aren't going to lie to me. They don't judge people like he thought they did. They all gave him a chance. And it really reflected poorly on his character, or lack of, when he consistently slagged each and every one of them off to my face.
As for my actual taste in men, well....I like people with depth, with emotion and a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and someone who can make me smile obviously. A guy with style is always good. Cameron had none of this. It's not his fault though. But I am creative and like doing things that are interesting. I am social and like having fun. I didn't get this with him. I was suffocated by a world of retail corporate rules at home and bad aftershaves and conversations didn't go much further than pointless anecdotes about people I didn't know and who were not very interesting. I now ask myself one question now, for both of us: why? What did we ever see in each other?
My life has now taken a new turn. I've started to see someone else, he is a school teacher and more my age. We seem to have a lot in common. I find it so novel that I can be involved with someone who I am attracted to who I can have conversations with. And spend time with them without having to tend to their every need. It's really unusual. I have started to listen to new music, to represent a new change. The new Grimes album is amazing, so please listen to it. I am going to start back with all my projects and I am going to write a lot more. I don't want to be dragged down anymore this year with a pointless burden. I like life, I like living, and I can take control of my problems, but I won't let someone else ruin it all for me. And it's nearly summer.
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