Things to do

You need to keep applying for those jobs, it will keep you going and is the light at the end of the tunnel - it's the hope of escape from this nightmare. You need to move on from this, but while you're stuck here, there's only so much you can do. You can't run away from your problems which is also true, but if you've got the whole world to explore then it's a lot more easier to move on.

You need to stop using the computer. The internet, social media and everything about it, is the main thing that is The Reminder. Because of this, even things that shouldn't remind you of him now do. It's crazy. So avoid everything on the computer: twitter, facebook, tumblr, etc... it causes you to be nervous, depressed, anxious, despair. It causes you to think too much. You should now only be using your computer to find a new job and to watch films on, in your room at night.

Stop listening to that music. Or just any music for a while. You need silence, and time to think and reflect. Time to write and to make sense, you're not giving yourself a chance to even move on slightly. Because, even music makes you think of him. The thought of some songs now makes me feel like I am about to have a panic attack. You need to block it out. One day you can listen to those songs or watch that film and it won't be a painful reminder.

Go on a detox. Give up everything addictive- sugar, caffeine, cigarettes. The last few weeks you put your body through some serious abuse. It needs recovery and it needs to be nourished. Go back to the gym. Meditate and practise yoga.

See your friends, but don't get drunk. You've been 'seeing' your friends when really you just wanted some company whilst you drank yourself into a unrecognisable stupor. But they are important, people. People to meet new people through. You can't hide away from the world.

The most serious thing to do is to stop taking drugs. If you really consider it, drugs are the main reason why everything in your life that could of been promising has been destroyed. If you think about it logically, it's why your relationship failed. Not completely why, but one of the main reasons why. They make you paranoid, and do things you regret, say things you don't mean and be the person you've always dreaded you'd become. And now it's all gone. Because you're insecure and you got high and you thought that being that way was more important than the man you were supposed to be together with.

Addiction is a terrible thing. I never thought I had an addictive personality, but I think we all do. We are all addicted to something, in our own way. When you suffer from depression, you need something that is self destructive to keep you 'there', that place, between reality and the decision. Some people gamble, or self harm. That's never been my style. For my entire adult life I have been a slave to drugs. I have let them take over. There hasn't been a time in my life between the age of 17 and now that I haven't consistently not been on drugs. But when you're depressed, drugs aren't the mechanism to cope with. As I've learnt recently, it can push you nearly too far

Lastly, you just need to stop thinking. Stop thinking about what if, and what are they doing now. Stop thinking about how happy they probably are without you. Stop thinking about it all. Because you need to move on and you need to forget.

Well, you'll never really forget about him. Like Matthew, he will become a memory like a photo. You remember the pain but you can't feel it anymore. You remembered how desperate you were, but it doesn't seem to make sense why anymore. You remember indifferently. It doesn't rouse any emotion at all. You don't celebrate that you're over it, because you never truly are. You just become used to the fact that it changed.