the whole of the moon
4 pix of me posing with different 'moons' e.g street lamp, light shade, photo and real moon in forrest
self and moon dull illuminated , emphasized
history of time book in first photo prop



another chance

return to gayscene blog of review format and social experience documentation

i wanna keep you

im getting fed up of smoking weed secretly on the balcony that surrounds my parents apartment, so I might go home for a couple of days at some point. I want to avoid spending money and i also want to completely give up doing mcat so its a  good idea to keep away from old zones though I am enjoying being at home with the bath and free food. I got an unexpected tax rebait for £725 which was a huge surprise. it;s going towards Brighton. I am so excited now as this is a sign that im choosing the right path and it;s a head start and an encouragement to really do this. i keep fantasising about this person that i want to be, because i think this person is free not from things that are personally connecting him to things here but because he is free of the effect of the horrid popular social culture that dominates here. Brighton is a place for a hundred of the new me copies. I've been unruly, off the rails, I've been down dark avenues to prove. I've laughed at fat people on television and i've seen the signs of ugly inside and out struggle to rear their ugly double-heads in / on me. i sleep with Noah at night and see a future bathed in white walls and light and a sea view where this young person is going to exist. i feel like i am biding time while he waits. its up to me now to plan every detail that is the result of a transition of a life time. how good it will feel to leave that past behind. all the things that i won't have to live with anymore. what a dream, but more so because this dream will be real in 4 months time, and 4 months is only a quarter of a year.

info-marshall

I am going to move to Brighton in March, i've decided. I put the idea on hold when I was promoted and obviously things in life go from one thing to the other and decisions have to be made under pressure and on a time limit so I've stuck around here in Birmingham longer than I have intended. Ever since my life changed this autumn (or i just got my life back after 3 years of hell) i've been feeling a lot different about things and this idea came back where it's achievable to move somewhere if you wanted to. David moved to Norway, I know its different, but if I wanted to move to Brighton that badly then with planning and precision it can be done in the Spring, and lately I've been really feeling my stay here is over due and that I need that new scenery as soon as possible.

I've been smoking weed a lot lately, and I feel weird that I have gone back to this now, as something I used to do. Not to say that stopping smoking weed as much as I did was the reason why the last 3 years were so difficult, but the coincidence has made me think about how much I enjoyed life as a relaxed fantasist as opposed to the struggling person fitting in a place full of people I hate.

What I liked about smoking weed and getting wasted with my friends was that I got to daydream so vividly where I pictured myself as a person who I truly liked being as myself, a person that is obtainable by starting again and not having a background or history to any new person that he meets, establishing himself somewhere in a house share with a job and meeting someone I have deep down always dreamed of. Because the way that I am now I think psychologically  boils down to the fact that I don't want to care about being not liked or being alone, or even having friends. I think deep down I want to be that nice healthy boy next door in white t-shirt and jeans without a care in the world with happy, sunny and friendly personality.

And then I think I am really going to do this, I am going to change and be a better person, nicer, kinder, friendlier, basically not a great big bitch and a total cunt (typical Aries) but someone who is actually fucking nice. but not that kind of patronizing nice where they patronizingly make sure you're seeing them treat homeless bums in the street like they're mates that they've known for years.

it's my number one fantasy to just disappear one day, and never come back (i share this fantasy with enid) and  what are fantasies for if not for living out? Cos last time I checked people had fantasies just so they could act them out on someone experimental but less keen.

PROTECT YOU FROM ALL THE THINGS I'VE SEEN

 I actually wrote a negative rant about jealousy, but then I realised I was just unblocking something. I'm glad that everyone is friends with everyone else. It's natural I feel left out, because that's how I've always felt, so i still will get that. But it makes more sense now why I'm not really part of your group of your boyfriend anymore (pick whichever). I am just not like you.

Like I've realised lately as well , I am of a particular kind WITH a mind that is one of not many sorts and that mind I am becoming more and more convinced by the day is becoming nearing impossible to match with another. Moving away is one of the reasons why - if I can meet someone somewhere else in a place that offers a higher variety of culture, interests, tastes, people, then I might be wrong. It takes more for me you see, Birmingham , she does not supply to me.

////

 I'm looking forward to changing my number and getting my new phone and deleting my facebook. I need a facebook for work it seems so i might have to make a new one, but i just want to delete all these people that haven't done anything in particular but who I never see, who i don't really like and i am so fed up of my facebook and my phone being connected. it's so sad and superficial and anti social to have it on there. i want to delete aaron but have a different number so he won't contact me asking me why.

////

There is more to my life now , and even more after this Hell Year is over and I've covered it in petrol and set it on fire , a heap of burning lies, pain and suffering up in smoke, drifting off into a milky way , a sky that only holds the memories.

////

I am going to research my interests and projects from now on. I won't look for a new job between now and Christmas because it might be too much pressure, and if I get a new job it might effect me getting ANOTHER in another town in the spring time... I may as well stick it. According to my star sign, it shall be the best time between now and Christmas to get a job... or to build and develop career. I am interpreting that as focusing on the research of FREELANCE.

///PHOTOGRAPHY
///PHOTO JOURNALISM
///CURRENT AFFAIRS , AND CURRENT AFFAIRS RELATED TO PHOTO JOURNALISM.
ADEQUATE UNDERSTANDING ON POLITICAL STRUCTURES AND KNOWLEDGE OF POLITICAL AND ECONOMICAL CLIMATE HERE AND ABROAD.
///FASHION
///FASHION'S THEORY
///FASHION AND HOW IT IS REFLECTED IN THE CURRENT CONDITION OF SOCIETY AND ECONOMY
///PHILOSOPHY
///ASTROLOGY
///TAROT
///PAGANISM/WICCA/THE EARTH/ENERGY
///WRITING READING LITERATURE
///RACIAL POLITICS NOW AND IN HISTORY
///MUSIC PRODUCTION
///EVOLUTION OF POP CULTURE
///PORNOGRAPHY
////MORALS AND ETHICS
////ART
///TRAVEL
////TEACHING, TEACHING ABROAD AND TEFL
///MY HEALTH
///ORGANIC, SIMPLE LIVING?
///MINIMALISM
////COOKING
///DRUG CULTURE, BRIT CULTURE, THE 90S
////MEDITATION/ZEN/BUDDHISM
////WORLD RELIGIONS
////HELPING OTHERS/CARE
////NATURE

the biggest aid to research are books and reading.

REJECT: ////
....//////
.///

///CHEAP MEDIA
////GAY RIGHTS/GAY SCENE -  ATTACHMENT TO GAY SCENE THAT CREATES RESENTMENT TOWARDS PEOPLE SPREADING THEIR LEGS AND DISEASES ROUND TOWNS
////FAST FASHION AND EASY TRENDS
//// DRUG ABUSE
///SOCIAL MEDIA WITH NOTHING TO RESEARCH AND PROMOTE EXCEPT FANTASY VERSIONS OF YOURSELF
////TOO MUCH EMPHASIS OF THE SELF
///PROCRASTINATION WITH MAINLY THE ABOVE
///RANTS
///RELATIONSHIPS

rejection mainly of a lifestyle that is not enabling you to progress in the right direction, and finding a way out of the difficulty of habit from what you are used to.



INTELLIGENT CHOICES, INTELLIGENT PEOPLE. INTELLIGENT FASHION! INTELLIGENT DANCE MUSIC!!

what have you done for me lately?

the only thing that's keeping you are relatives and clothes

I don't want to spend Christmas Day feeling awkward and annoyed. I don't even want to celebrate this stupid day anymore. I would like a jar of traditional old time humbugs. And yes, of course there is a wish list. I write it because it's a wish list, I don't expect to get any of it. And I don't expect to get any of it because I won't get any of it.

I've done family Christmas of course. I've done the frivolous Christmas and the low key. I've been to midnight mass. I've done the boozy Christmas and the druggy Christmas. I've done the spliffs and whiskey after Christmas dinner and I've done the all night Boxing Day rave. I've done the no strings Christmas fling and I've had a Christmas with a boyfriend. Now I just want to experience a Christmas on my own. I'm not allowed. I have to spend it with family.

It's been a stressful weekend, but I did get a chance to de-stress, and am still de-stressing as we speak. Friday and Saturday went by like a blur. The crush I thought I was experiencing is just a figment of my imagination and was just encouraged by attention. Like with Dorian, I used to fantasise about what could be, just because he was being a nice person. Saturday was quick and awkward, feeling like one member of staff becoming dangerously close to serious trouble, the whole thing just spiralling out of control at any minute, confirming my desire as strong as ever to just get out. November's forecast spells out that between now and Christmas Day is the best time for looking for new work and career. I am getting on with it then, and looking for a new job. I want to be gone from the shop by January, and moved out and progressed somewhere else out of Birmingham by March. I want to explore and take risks, and really feel like I am living my life. I am fed up of this routine, this repetitive safeness, the bad environmental influences of the people around me and of the town. The people though are the worst for me, even the ones I like. Everyone effects me in some way, and I just feel I am really over due a move and a fresh start. A change of scenery. Now is the time.

On Sunday I returned to my flat. It was cold and slightly messy. I cozied up and the Canadian came over, and we watched simpsons and Election, and he showed me youtube videos, some were not funny, some were. I previously stated he was generic, I take this back as it's insulting. I was pretty much using that assumption based on his taste in music (Taylor Swift) but that brings me onto my new years resolutions which is to stop bitching and being such a cunt to people and to stop judging people. Yes Taylor Swift is shit, but the Canadian is very cute and has been extremely nice to me. The things that I don't like are the incessant sexual innuendos, and the corny lines he comes out with, and the kissing right inside my ear, its so loud that it hurts my ear drums, and also the food he eats. On Sunday all he ate was I think boiled brocolli. Made me feel SICK. He also chews with his mouth open, yet is quite open about how I am 'gross' (Americans and Canadians have warped ideas of hygeine, etc). He went this morning, I was asleep enjoying my day off lie in. I got up around 12, decluttered my flat (I want to try and be minimal) and then made a really long journey to my parents where I ate too much and watched a really funny Simpsons where Lisa becomes obsessed with crosswords.

darling look over the moon

I am exhausted and frankly quite glad this day is over with now despite not being able to get the trousers that I wanted but in a situation like that where after hours of queuing and resisting the urge to punch a rude Chinese person in the back of the head for lacking the simple concept of patience and manners I put it down to a good reason for them not being available. It sucks that they weren't stocked here in Birmingham, and people who came here today to get stuff were disappointed because up to 9 different items were not provided, because this was the nearest store to them and had traveled a long way to get stuff. It's reassured me I am totally doing the right thing about leaving Birmingham. However, I reckon the trousers I wanted might not of been totally right. I had some doubts when I thought about them about how and what I would wear them with. The jacket and belt, that I bought without a problem, possess an element of sexiness to them, and the jacket is going to be a staple that will age well, I imagine, with wear. By summer the jacket will be an addicted to everyday piece thrown on over anything. The trousers I feared might be too daring and limited in wear, and I think they might not of either looked right or they might of attracted unwanted attention. I still would like to get a pair of wide legged, over-sized trousers... but just not to wear in and around Birmingham, and maybe not for winter time. They might not of been practical. I for some reason see myself wearing trousers like those somewhere in good weather, somewhere relaxed, leisurely and laid back, the background not one I recognise from here.

One of the reasons I was so attracted to these trousers was because they reminded me of a pair of trousers from an outfit bought for me by a guy I was dating when I was about 18. I was out in the Nightingale, back when the Nightingale was still only just an OK place to go, and I received the worst chat up line ever ("YOU would look GREAT in my CAR"). If someone said that to me now I would be so offended, I'd tell them I walk everywhere...which i do... but anyway, for someone who was only 25 at the time he seemed to have a pretty good job , working in music and having worked with Bjork, I was fascinated by this guy who drove a Lotus Elise and promised to buy me a 'cello after seeing me play. Underneath the smothering of goods was a guy who probably did like me, but guess when you get that much money, you want to keep a guy like me kept with treats, which even back then didn't phase me. I was starting to really get into fashion so I was delighted to be bought an outfit for a holiday to Vienna, from Yves Saint Laurent  Rive Gauche - a black shirt and black trousers that were slim waisted, wide legged and very baggy. They totally disguised my legs, and they were amazing. They came with a little leather belt. After I broke up with him I had to give them back, which I did, and I didn't feel bad, I didn't deserve them and at the time had nowhere to wear them but I remember how stylish I felt in them, so I guess I wanted something nostalgic from back then. I'm going to keep my eyes open for that sort of style.

I am tempted to look out for a pair of judo trousers, or Japanese combat trousers or ninja trousers and dye them black if they aren't already. I want my legs to be swamped in material and my waist to be bound in. I think that's incredibly sexy.

I would like to get a pair of really nice black jeans, but these days I am not drawn to denim at all. I would like to experiment with more fitted and slimmer fit trousers, but I still want to build a collection of the baggy, ruched and low crotch Vivienne Westwood trousers by trailing on eBay and I want trousers to hang off my body, leaving it all to the imagination, complete opposite to the skinny, low slung denims you see, with the entirety of your underwear on display.

Slim fit and skinny trousers I have always been put off by because I don't like to have the shape of my arse on obvious display from the fit. I feel over exposed and I don't like my clothes to be reason for being visually undressed by others. When I was with Aaron, he said the only reason he liked the jeans he wore was because it made his arse look good, which I can understand, but made me feel that he was cheapened and devalued, like a prize turkey waiting for the winning kill. I obviously look into things like this, and believe I am one of very few people who understand the intelligence in fashion and that you can make choices in a world that people deem frivolous and can actually front you as someone who has more to them than presenting themselves in a way which only makes you want them to imagine them naked.

let x = x

I often put off writing my blog because I don't know how I want to update - do I go into detail about what has exactly happened over the last few weeks, or do I highlight things that are important, or do I try and explain whats going on in the tangled mess that is my brain or do I harp on predictably about the things I need to do to change my life (cos it's always needing changing these days). To be fair, a lot of urgent changes need to be made and that has been brought to my attention from my health and drug problem. I say problem because I am in a cycle that I am finding hard to break and is effecting me financially; I am spending money that I firstly was saving for something nice for myself, then money I mentally have to a side for food and living, then money that goes on bills and rent, all on drugs. And I make excuses and I think of solutions round it all, and I then come out of the weekend resenting and regretting everything, remembering all the false promises I made, all the embarrassment and all the things I said, and all the money spent, and worse of all, the physical damage I am causing that is building up.

I've been fairly ill this week and last and took a few days off here and there. Everyone else has been ill also, but instead of resting or seeing a doctor, I went to Sheffield, and I needed to go, but I went there and got twatted, and then went back to Birmingham the next day to carry on, ending up in that usual place with a man I'm not sure I am that fond of because my mind is so altered from drugs. 

Anyway, that's the main nightmare of my life right now. I desperately want to quit smoking for my health and looks. I don't like smoking cigarettes anymore. And as for drugs, well, it's hard for me even now to want to write I want to give them up. I will always appreciate a drug over a drink. But it's the habit of how I am taking them. I just want it to be occasional and recreational. Not every week, for days on end at a weekend, interfering with my work and my life, my health and my relationships with my friends and family. Drinking isn't a problem for me as I rarely drink alcohol. I often forget this. I am so focused on my drug use that alcohol is actually difficult for me to enjoy.

I went on a date last week with a guy who I was really looking forward to meeting but I think I wasn't his type. Not sure why, shan't speculate, I'm not a mass produced hipster though so it's pretty hard to find someone who is balanced in intelligence, taste and looks. Most people have none. I met a extremely generic Canadian guy however, earlier on, who I am less interested in but who has practically nursed me, and cleaned my flat for me and comes round, fawning over me and my delightfully English ways. I also met a guy on the weekend gone, in Sheffield, who was absolutely gorgeous but only 18 years old, who I willingly let take advantage of me because he was rough around the edges, and was straight, in my opinion, and was just fucking gorgeous even in a teddybear onesie. He was one of those types I call 'Sheffield' types, are a bit rowdy and political, smokes lots of weed, but positively gorgeous. I felt like the older woman, which is a position I am not entirely comfortable with.

I was going to write about why I hate Christmas this year and why I won't be celebrating it or decorating my flat but then I will probably talk about that later on this weekend. No one reads this anymore anyway. I write as if informing people who sit spending their whole time waiting, thirsty for updates of my truly fucked up life, but I can't think of anyone I know who exists in real life that might even occasionally check to see if I still write in great detail every thing that goes on.