I often put off writing my blog because I don't know how I want to update - do I go into detail about what has exactly happened over the last few weeks, or do I highlight things that are important, or do I try and explain whats going on in the tangled mess that is my brain or do I harp on predictably about the things I need to do to change my life (cos it's always needing changing these days). To be fair, a lot of urgent changes need to be made and that has been brought to my attention from my health and drug problem. I say problem because I am in a cycle that I am finding hard to break and is effecting me financially; I am spending money that I firstly was saving for something nice for myself, then money I mentally have to a side for food and living, then money that goes on bills and rent, all on drugs. And I make excuses and I think of solutions round it all, and I then come out of the weekend resenting and regretting everything, remembering all the false promises I made, all the embarrassment and all the things I said, and all the money spent, and worse of all, the physical damage I am causing that is building up.
I've been fairly ill this week and last and took a few days off here and there. Everyone else has been ill also, but instead of resting or seeing a doctor, I went to Sheffield, and I needed to go, but I went there and got twatted, and then went back to Birmingham the next day to carry on, ending up in that usual place with a man I'm not sure I am that fond of because my mind is so altered from drugs.
Anyway, that's the main nightmare of my life right now. I desperately want to quit smoking for my health and looks. I don't like smoking cigarettes anymore. And as for drugs, well, it's hard for me even now to want to write I want to give them up. I will always appreciate a drug over a drink. But it's the habit of how I am taking them. I just want it to be occasional and recreational. Not every week, for days on end at a weekend, interfering with my work and my life, my health and my relationships with my friends and family. Drinking isn't a problem for me as I rarely drink alcohol. I often forget this. I am so focused on my drug use that alcohol is actually difficult for me to enjoy.
I went on a date last week with a guy who I was really looking forward to meeting but I think I wasn't his type. Not sure why, shan't speculate, I'm not a mass produced hipster though so it's pretty hard to find someone who is balanced in intelligence, taste and looks. Most people have none. I met a extremely generic Canadian guy however, earlier on, who I am less interested in but who has practically nursed me, and cleaned my flat for me and comes round, fawning over me and my delightfully English ways. I also met a guy on the weekend gone, in Sheffield, who was absolutely gorgeous but only 18 years old, who I willingly let take advantage of me because he was rough around the edges, and was straight, in my opinion, and was just fucking gorgeous even in a teddybear onesie. He was one of those types I call 'Sheffield' types, are a bit rowdy and political, smokes lots of weed, but positively gorgeous. I felt like the older woman, which is a position I am not entirely comfortable with.
I was going to write about why I hate Christmas this year and why I won't be celebrating it or decorating my flat but then I will probably talk about that later on this weekend. No one reads this anymore anyway. I write as if informing people who sit spending their whole time waiting, thirsty for updates of my truly fucked up life, but I can't think of anyone I know who exists in real life that might even occasionally check to see if I still write in great detail every thing that goes on.
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