info-marshall

I am going to move to Brighton in March, i've decided. I put the idea on hold when I was promoted and obviously things in life go from one thing to the other and decisions have to be made under pressure and on a time limit so I've stuck around here in Birmingham longer than I have intended. Ever since my life changed this autumn (or i just got my life back after 3 years of hell) i've been feeling a lot different about things and this idea came back where it's achievable to move somewhere if you wanted to. David moved to Norway, I know its different, but if I wanted to move to Brighton that badly then with planning and precision it can be done in the Spring, and lately I've been really feeling my stay here is over due and that I need that new scenery as soon as possible.

I've been smoking weed a lot lately, and I feel weird that I have gone back to this now, as something I used to do. Not to say that stopping smoking weed as much as I did was the reason why the last 3 years were so difficult, but the coincidence has made me think about how much I enjoyed life as a relaxed fantasist as opposed to the struggling person fitting in a place full of people I hate.

What I liked about smoking weed and getting wasted with my friends was that I got to daydream so vividly where I pictured myself as a person who I truly liked being as myself, a person that is obtainable by starting again and not having a background or history to any new person that he meets, establishing himself somewhere in a house share with a job and meeting someone I have deep down always dreamed of. Because the way that I am now I think psychologically  boils down to the fact that I don't want to care about being not liked or being alone, or even having friends. I think deep down I want to be that nice healthy boy next door in white t-shirt and jeans without a care in the world with happy, sunny and friendly personality.

And then I think I am really going to do this, I am going to change and be a better person, nicer, kinder, friendlier, basically not a great big bitch and a total cunt (typical Aries) but someone who is actually fucking nice. but not that kind of patronizing nice where they patronizingly make sure you're seeing them treat homeless bums in the street like they're mates that they've known for years.

it's my number one fantasy to just disappear one day, and never come back (i share this fantasy with enid) and  what are fantasies for if not for living out? Cos last time I checked people had fantasies just so they could act them out on someone experimental but less keen.