I don't want to spend Christmas Day feeling awkward and annoyed. I don't even want to celebrate this stupid day anymore. I would like a jar of traditional old time humbugs. And yes, of course there is a wish list. I write it because it's a wish list, I don't expect to get any of it. And I don't expect to get any of it because I won't get any of it.
I've done family Christmas of course. I've done the frivolous Christmas and the low key. I've been to midnight mass. I've done the boozy Christmas and the druggy Christmas. I've done the spliffs and whiskey after Christmas dinner and I've done the all night Boxing Day rave. I've done the no strings Christmas fling and I've had a Christmas with a boyfriend. Now I just want to experience a Christmas on my own. I'm not allowed. I have to spend it with family.
It's been a stressful weekend, but I did get a chance to de-stress, and am still de-stressing as we speak. Friday and Saturday went by like a blur. The crush I thought I was experiencing is just a figment of my imagination and was just encouraged by attention. Like with Dorian, I used to fantasise about what could be, just because he was being a nice person. Saturday was quick and awkward, feeling like one member of staff becoming dangerously close to serious trouble, the whole thing just spiralling out of control at any minute, confirming my desire as strong as ever to just get out. November's forecast spells out that between now and Christmas Day is the best time for looking for new work and career. I am getting on with it then, and looking for a new job. I want to be gone from the shop by January, and moved out and progressed somewhere else out of Birmingham by March. I want to explore and take risks, and really feel like I am living my life. I am fed up of this routine, this repetitive safeness, the bad environmental influences of the people around me and of the town. The people though are the worst for me, even the ones I like. Everyone effects me in some way, and I just feel I am really over due a move and a fresh start. A change of scenery. Now is the time.
On Sunday I returned to my flat. It was cold and slightly messy. I cozied up and the Canadian came over, and we watched simpsons and Election, and he showed me youtube videos, some were not funny, some were. I previously stated he was generic, I take this back as it's insulting. I was pretty much using that assumption based on his taste in music (Taylor Swift) but that brings me onto my new years resolutions which is to stop bitching and being such a cunt to people and to stop judging people. Yes Taylor Swift is shit, but the Canadian is very cute and has been extremely nice to me. The things that I don't like are the incessant sexual innuendos, and the corny lines he comes out with, and the kissing right inside my ear, its so loud that it hurts my ear drums, and also the food he eats. On Sunday all he ate was I think boiled brocolli. Made me feel SICK. He also chews with his mouth open, yet is quite open about how I am 'gross' (Americans and Canadians have warped ideas of hygeine, etc). He went this morning, I was asleep enjoying my day off lie in. I got up around 12, decluttered my flat (I want to try and be minimal) and then made a really long journey to my parents where I ate too much and watched a really funny Simpsons where Lisa becomes obsessed with crosswords.
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