i'm flying over you

I can't believe how quickly a month has gone by. It was 4 weeks ago that I was sitting there, in my living room, feeling summery, with ___, and finding out I had been invited to this assessment day. I feel nervous, but not in the same way I usually get before other job interviews. I am more excited than nervous, but the nerves are natural. But this is it now. I am going for a job that I really want, a career, something that could change my life. I want this for so many reasons. I want to travel the world. I want my parents to be really proud of me instead of just proud of me. I want to prove to myself that I am confident and I can do something. I want to change who I am and become a better person.

I have been preparing for it in every way possible: I have researched the history, the aircrafts used, and the actual job I am going for. I have researched what is going to happen during the assessment, the questions I'm going to be asked, and the answers I'm going to give; perfect, precise, not hesitant. The group work and the presentation, it's all about how you are interacting with others, and the room. Eye contact, smiles. I've been practicing the pyschometric tests...sort of. I've been reading whatever I can get my hands on, bounding around the room, practicing my answers, my stance, my pronunciation, making announcements, welcome aboard this British Airways flight to... wherever I wanna bid for.

I am excited, I want to just do it now. I want to meet people now, I want to go in there and do it. I've had the last 4 days booked off to prepare for this, and now I'm just itching to get it done and see what it's all about. It might not work out, who knows. If I don't get it, then I believe it was for a good reason, because I have prepared enough for it. I would be disappointed if I didn't get it from not preparing, because you already know you've lost your chance. This has been on my mind for nearly 6 weeks.

And I have such a good incentive and motivation. If I don't get this one, I might try another. I might move to Manchester. I might want to base myself somewhere completely new. From this one simple job application I have been given a new perspective, and now I feel I am on a definite mission. I just cant wait to put on my new suit, red tie, and go down to Heathrow and show them what I can do.

so wish me luck. because if you're any friend of mine, you're going to entertain the idea of discount plane tickets...aren't you?

i don't eat, i don't sleep, i do nothing but think of you

the shape of things to come

I love weddings. I've decided that nothing solves everything except a wedding. Actually, I didn't decide that, I got that from the Simpsons.

I've known them for a while. They have been very good and supportive friends of mine in the past. People like those you will realise are important when you realise that they had some part in shaping your life, and were pivotal in how things turned out for you.

The ceremony was beautiful. What I noticed during their vows was how seriously in love they are with each other, how they looked at each other, it was like a real eternity. I know it sounds corny, and I didn't even think about crying, but it knocked me back. It was a truly beautiful thing to witness, and maybe I am more romantic nowadays, but it warmed my heart, and I always thought I didn't have a heart.

The other day I nearly deleted this blog for a reason that I've now come to think isn't fair on me. I don't want to uproot this and start somewhere else to protect someone else's feelings. But I don't want to have to censor what I write on here because I know a certain person now reads this. Especially as I am now meant to be all about being 'uncensored'. I think there's no wrong or right way, yet I was made to feel that saying too much was bad and keeping everything to yourself was the way forward. I'm not isolating myself, or my feelings- so I will write what I want on here, about who I want. And I say this now because at the wedding I was supposed to be with my ex boyfriend, as when I was invited we were still together, and put us both down in attendance.

I love weddings but I think for any single and hopeless person, sitting at the back, with the hopeless others, you can't help wishing that you could love someone that much one day and feeling bad about yourself and all your failed relationships and now meaningless words. This is an especially hard feeling when the people being wed love each other so much they can't hold it back and compose it in any better way than a raw emotion in front of a room of people. And it didn't seem to bother me when they announced my name as 'Andrew and his guest' when they called out table placings and I was taken up to the reception, alone. But I was caught off guard with this realisation at the most insignificant time. Now, I didn't feel like a loner, even when Manni went home early. I don't pity myself, and I was having a really good time, whether or not I was talking to people or not. It just made my day that I was at a wedding. But I did have a moment when I was sitting alone, glancing over at the empty chair on my left, not necessarily his, but thinking, I can picture you here with me now.

The rest of the wedding was great fun. I seemed to prove popular with a lot of the moms. I think it's because I don't mind dancing to Kylie and Abba with all the ladies and kids, and all women want a man to dance with. I liked them cooing over me and telling me how handsome I was. One woman kept asking me if I had seen any nice ladies I liked. I kept telling her I preferred the company of men. She didn't really understand.

One thing I wanted to do was take photos, and I was captivated with the swishing of the bride's dress in the lights as she danced. The reception felt like the top floor of some super-suite in Hong Kong. I felt like I was in another country. I wanted to take more photos but I wanted to dance and laugh, so I decided to just have fun and remember it all, as memories are more precious than photos. No one can take them away from you, and I will always remember the fun everyone was having.

Anyway, I'm glad I haven't deleted this blog. I would of regretted it. Because it's been going for over a year, and I hope in another years time, I will read back to this time of my life, and laugh and throw my head back, looking up thinking 'how stupid was i?'

and do us all a favour

I've just found the Marc by Marc Jacobs campaign that I got that crazy hairstyle idea from! I've been looking for it forever. I still actually have the page I ripped out when I went and got it done. It was the first picture in the yellow jumper, and it was in a copy of teen vogue. I've only up until now seen the rest of the photo's of this crazy kid. I had a lot of guts getting that hairstyle, but it was very fun! 

this is the only photo i've got left from then... the rest are stuck on a laptop that is broken!

FLOATING INTO THE NIGHT

My Reading List - Summer 2012

How to Make An American Quilt – Whitney Otto

This is one my favourite films, but especially one of my favourite films for the summer. It brings me so many memories... which I will talk about in a different post. But for me, sometimes, reading a book of a film that I love doesn't ruin the story. Sometimes, I feel like I am finding out more about the story, so I would love to read it this summer, during days off, in between thinking about someone special hopefully.

Sleeping With The Enemy – Nancy Price

Another book of a film I love, that makes me feel summery and at home. I want to read the words and feel the feeling of home, even though this story is kind of a thriller. I like the film not because of it's story line, though it does keep me gripped. It's the look and feel of the film. The symbolism (especially with the apples) and the country style setting. Let's hope the book is just as good.

Delta of Venus – Anais Nin

I've read this numerous times, and without fail every summer. The first time I read it was the summer of 'love' (2005). I was with Matthew, it was a hot summer, we were in a local park we nicknamed 'The Garden of Eden' somewhere in Essex, and whilst he did his Egyptology homework I read this incredibly filthy book. I heard about it through a module of Erotic fiction I had chosen for the following semester, and nearly concentrated on that genre, and specifically the work of Nin for my dissertation. It even inspired me to start writing my own 'filthy' stories based on the early sexual memories of my own life.

Delta of Venus for me, is the perfect book for summer. Some of the stories I have to admit are kind of wrong. The taboo subjects touch down on incest, prostitution and paedophilia in a way that Nin still maintains that eloquent, female style she was famous for. I remember lending it to someone, and worrying afterwards what they might think of me reading something that someone slightly more ignorant would assume is illegal, but no, this book is allowed, it was on my curriculum at university and was written in the 1940's! And remember, when what's written is written and is written as fiction, then it IS fiction.

Some of the stories are very sexy, especially the lesbian ones. For me, summer isn't summer without Delta of Venus.... and the next book...

100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed – Melissa P.

For a similar reason I love to read this book in the summer. I gave my copy away to boy that I liked. I thought he would appreciate it's well written filth. I read about this in Elle magazine...no...Teen Vogue magazine, and that it was banned because the protagonist and author was only a school girl at the time. This is beautifully written erotica, and the search for love through sex that I could very much relate to during the summer I read it many years ago. It evokes experiences of holidays, terracotta buildings and the smell of a man. It's very much a turn on, makes me feel sexy, but with a weighty melancholy to it, as if a sexual encounter is just a reminder of how alone you actually are when you look into the night afterwards and you're by yourself.

Essays in Love – Alain de Botton

Matthew has recommended me this (he studies Philosophy at Leeds and this was his answer to accessible philosophy). It sounds very good, and one of the reasons why some of these books I want to read are based around the idea of love, relationships and so on is because when I finally feel ready and have the time, I want to try and understand how I respond to romantic situations, and to make sense of my mind and maybe why I made certain choices in the past, but to also understand why I might make different choices in the future. It's not so much that I am 'fed up' of the 'mistakes' made in the past, but when I analyse my relationship history from what I consider my first realistic relationship, then it's very interesting stuff. Lately, it's sort of mindless, so I am putting myself into 'love rehab' and want to learn about it through theory rather than trial and error. 

Bastard out of Carolina – Dorothy Allison

I was supposed to read this at uni. It was part of the Fictions of American South module that now, I would of really enjoyed, but then, was too stoned and bored to appreciate. I did start to read this and thought it wasn't too bad. I'd like something American south to read, a bit like when I read The Help. I want something a bit political, a bit violent.

The Color Purple – Alice Walker

I was supposed to read this after The Help but instead I read The Reader. So I want to read this because it's also supposed to be a great film and I like anything to do with racism (not because I am racist).

Infinite Jest – David Wallace Foster

I did a quiz one day out of boredom, probably about 8 years ago when Livejournal was all the rage and Estelle and I would do quizzes like 'which character are you from blah blah' or 'what percent bitch are you' anyway I did a quiz that analyzed your writing style from your journal and mine was similar to Infinite Jest by Wallace Foster, who I then went onto learn suffered from depression and killed himself. So I felt I needed to read it. This was years ago. I'm noticing a pattern here... a pattern of NOT DOING THINGS. Anyway, Infinite Jest sounds insane, and it's the sort of thing I see myself reading this summer during a hot night, electricity buzzing, on my own, window open, fearing the future.

How to Attract Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime: A Guide to Flirting

I want to buy this purely because of it's name and cover. I only know about it because in last month's Vogue there was a Bruce Weber shoot (black and white, Abercrombie style, over posed Americanised nonsense for a British magazine) and in one photo we have a hunky male model holding this book. I often buy books to leave lying around or to read on public transport because they look funny, such as 'Live Alone and Like It' and 'The Rules'. It might give me some confidence tips. I want to be able to be open to conversation with anyone , anywhere, and seeing as I don't know how to flirt, this could teach me something new.

Keeping Mr Right: The Gay Man's Guide to Lasting Relationships – Kenneth D. George

I want to read this because during my recent break up I started desperately researching information thinking I could learn something new and change my situation. Obviously I never got that far, but I remember looking at this book and it standing out and subconciously thinking that I will probably need this book at some point. I think if I do get into a new relationship with someone I want to try and work something serious with, then this might be helpful, and this might also give me insight in where I was going wrong in the past.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? - Philip K Dick

This is the book of the film Bladerunner, and I just want to read it because if you're going to say Bladerunner is your favourite film then you can't say you've not read the book. It's the only science fiction I probably care for, and can only imagine reading it at night.

Breakfast at Tiffanys – Truman Capote

Okay, this is probably one of my favourite books of all time and a good gift book too, as it's short, lovely, and exciting, and makes you fall in love with Holly. I have never actually owned it. Just borrowed it from the library or bought it for other people.

Playing with the Grown Ups / Miss Dahl's Volumptuous Treats – Sophie Dahl

I read Playing with Grown Ups back in... 2007. If I read this again alongside the cookery book that Miss Dahl was infamous for not so long ago, then I might feel like I am a character in one of her imaginings. And she is very sensuous. I like the way she makes you see, feel, taste and hear through her writing. No wonder Vogue hired her to review perfumes. 

The Architecture of Happiness – Alain de Botton

The idea of beauty, more philosophy, I want to understand why beauty will equate to happiness and if it really is in the eye of the beholder. I'm not entirely sure what this is about, but I've heard good things about it and didn't realise it's the same author that Matthew has just recommended to me. 

To The Lighthouse – Virginia Woolf

Just so I can read something by Virginia Woolf. I never have before. And 'To the Lighthouse' is a Patrick Wolf song, the first one I ever heard actually, so there must be some sort of connection. I like the story of Virginia Woolf, she lead a very interesting life, and I want to read something of hers soon. I imagine this a summery, or at least a seaside setting, so good for a summer's read. 

The Rum Diaries – Hunter S Thompson

Just finishing Fear and Loathing. This has to be next.  

I Was A Lover

I was a lover, before this war

held up in a luxury suite, behind a barricaded door

now that I've cleaned up, you've all gone legit

I can see clearly: round hole

round, whole, square peg don't fit.

I'm locked in my bedroom, so send back the clowns

my clone wears a brown shirt, and I seduce him when there's no one around

mano y mano, on a bed of nails

bring it on like a storm, till I knock the wind out of his sails

And we don't make eye contact, but we have run-in's in town

just a barely polite nod, and nervous stares towards the ground

I once joined a priest class, plastic, inert

slowdance with commerce

like a lens up a skirt.

And we liked to party

and we kept it live

and we had a three volume tome of contemporary slang

to keep a handle on all this jive

Ennui unbridled, let's talk to kill the time

how many styles did you cycle through before you were mine?

and it's been a while since we went wild and that's all fine

but we're sleepwalking through this trial

and it's really a crime really a crime really a crime.

it's really

criminal

We're just busy tempting, like fate's on the nod

running on empty, bourbon and God

it's been a while since we knew the way

and it's been even longer since our plastic priest class

had a goddamned thing 

to say

I was a Lover before this war...

Oh, be nice

This is about being 'nice'. To some people, being nice isn't something they have to be. They just are. It's natural, and they are happy. There are some people who seem too nice, which makes one suspicious and nervous. Then there are the people who are nice but don't want to be, so they force themselves to be obnoxious, noisy ...unpleasant creatures effected by things that probably go 'way back'. Then there are people who are honest, like myself, who are nice, but sometimes, can't keep that little cunt inside down and hidden. I am the person who when I get recognition for being genuinely friendly, or helpful, or kind, I get a feeling that just makes my day. But I am the person that sometimes has to really produce the goods when I am not in the mood. It wasn't always like this. The last few months of my life have been kind of testing, so I am finding it harder to be civil to people who come into my shop some days. This is a serious problem, especially when you work in one of the 'friendliest' places in the world (please don't see any similarity in the words 'friendly' and 'sincere' here). I am sincere, when I am friendly, I am. But I am also sincere when I am not. And that is not allowed.

Where am I going with this? Ah yes, being nice. I usually am very nice. I am pleasant and nice with an honest approach. You will know that I will want to help you. That helping you, will make you feel appreciative towards me, which will make me help you more, which will make us both very happy. It's an exchange of love, it's a special deal. It's a bond that makes me feel close to old people I don't even know. It's a skill that has helped me build relationships with people through my shop that I love, yet still don't know the name of. I feel like I've let my discipline go lately, that I've let the outside influence of my personal life effect the reasons why I loved my professional life. This saddens me. Whilst talking about the points I made about wanting this new job today at work, I realised how alive I became when I mentioned the whole 'being nice' thing. Of course it's more than just being nice. It's a whole package of care and attention. And it got me excited. I then felt guilty for all the times I couldn't be bothered, or dismissed, or even judged some of the people who came into my shop, and all the times I might of missed making someones day or making a new friend, because my life had turned to shit everywhere else. So I decided there and then to try out being the nicest and loveliest I could somehow during the day...some how... as I knew that this was the frame of mind that I need to be set in when I go to that interview next Tuesday. They need to see my smile, and they need to see it's real.

Anyway, the perfect opportunity arose, and it was usually an opportunity that worryingly of late, I would put off till I would eventually forget. Head Office called about a customer who had been messed around with other stores regarding a certain workshop that we have going at the moment, in conjunction with a herbal tea company. Head Office said the woman was sad, and angry, that no one had any allocations for her. I knew that this was the opportunity, because as soon as you hear workshop and whatever, you instantly think customer wanting free stuff...more extra work... more stress for me... etc etc etc. But NO. I wanted to be NICE. I want to be back to that person who just instantly went along and helped out. So I said immediately to the obvious hippy down the phone line that I would call her up, invite her into my store, and basically do whatever she wants. She was so thankful, enthusiastically, like when you save someones cat from a wishing well, or reach something from a very high shelf in the supermarket for an old lady or very small person. I already felt good. So I rang this lady, said we do the workshops, and for you, I've got all the time in the world. We can make the face mask, we can do beauty treatments, hell, I'll even rub your feet, and make you feel like the most important person in the shop. Or world. Whatever! 

She was so grateful. I said I see her next week, and that I personally would be waiting for her. With a little organisation (with the stuff I need to order, and not to forget that she is coming), then I think I may of out did myself on the niceness scale.

This got me thinking though about how empowering and satisfying being helpful and nice can be. Sometimes it knocks you back if the person you're helping is a cunt about it, but be the better person and remember there is always going to be someone else who will remember you forever (maybe). I still remember the people who have helped me and treated me well in the past, from restaurants to shops. I've never forgotten. From the Chinese lady who worked on Christian Dior in Saks Fifth Avenue in Florida, to the Dutch waitress in Happy's in Portugal, I remember them. And I was very young back then!

After this I realised the appeal to the required service I would be having to provide, and how having that instilled inside of me from now on will be beneficial to me getting this job. It's a lot different to what I do right now though. It seems a bit empty in comparison- helping people that much over cosmetics. Sure, it's good to help people clear their acne, or dry skin, but they're in one minute, then off on their way the next. In the other job, you are required to look after people for up to 10, 11 hours at a time. I liken it to caring for someone, either an ill person, or someone who deserves a treat, like it's your boyfriend's birthday or it's mother's day and you're making sure they don't have to do anything to make themselves comfortable; it's all down to you. And every little detail matters, in fact it's the small details that make up the grandness of it all. And I would love to be responsible for all that.

All in all, I want this job, but I am always thriving to feel good about myself from doing good things in life. And this works for me. I have what it takes for this job, because when I am nice, and happy, and doing good, I am cheerful, I spark up conversation, and I really care. And when I see how much that means to some people, it makes me incredibly happy.

And who knows... sometimes being that nice leads you onto the people who could change your life forever...

Kirsten Dunst, the nicest flight attendant in the world?

Infinite Love Without Fufilment

I'm finding myself despondently reflecting on things instead of focusing on the promise and the truth. I've done well so far but my mind is such an over active monster that I can be transported to a memory that can set off a whole chain of feelings. It's sort of springy, summery feel at the moment, but gloomy. Sometimes the sky looks like the early autumn, but the air still pinches like winter.

Last night I was talking to my ex Matthew. We've been talking a lot, about our break ups. We haven't actually caught up on anything else; nothing else is worth talking about. I've forgotten how much I enjoy speaking to him, and how much we connect. Not in a romantic way or a silly way, but I forgot how well we understood each other. He also makes me remember how philosophical I can be about stuff, and how surprisingly rational I can be, even though my mind is imbalanced, especially after a weekend out. It made me feel upset and happy at the same time. I felt like I was connecting with him intimately through the keyboard. That he was someone who treated things like I do exactly the same, and that we are almost like the same person. He has it much worse. His boyfriend left him, and has a new boyfriend who could be 'as cold and dead' as his ex, but I know this has hurt him, his ex's new boyfriend is physically everything he would secretly want to be (emaciated... no idea why)... his situation seems worse in lots of ways, and yet I found myself asking how he copes. He said when you feel a feeling, whether it's anger, pain, jealousy, or wanting someone back when you know you shouldn't, you have to acknowledge and recognise that feeling. Tell yourself 'this is what it feels like to be hurt like this'. Then you focus on mentally walking away from that feeling. The way I interpret is, an emotion or a feeling is just that. Once it's been felt, there's no use for it. Then you experience it, and walk away from it. After understanding this from him, I felt a whole lot better. It sounds crazy, but it worked. Last night in bed, I was feeling things I didn't want to feel, and so I spoke to him, and it all made sense. I miss Matthew, I miss having that other person who makes me feel not alone in a world I think I don't belong in.

ANYWAY, I wanted to write about that, because I was talking to him and I had a delayed sort of elevated drug experience at the same time, and I actually felt like I was connecting to someone through the keyboard via golden strands of light, and air war was on, and that always reminds me of drug induced visions of space and time, promise and opportunity, past and present...

I decided today that I am going to write a post every night on here to help me prepare for my interview. I want to be encouraging myself, and I want to write things that are going to be motivational to me and help me go there on Tuesday and get this job. Of course, if I don't get it, I don't want to feel bad. If I put everything I've got into getting this and don't get it, then I will know at least I tried. If I go half arsed and unprepared, then I will be more disappointed, because this isn't the sort of thing you just turn up to and hope for the best. So tonight I want to write 10 REASONS WHY TRYING FOR THIS JOB IS IMPORTANT. 10 points that will inspire me to go and get this. Things I need to remember, when I start to get nervous, to snap myself out of and remember.

1. A higher starting wage

The salary increases as you become more experienced over time, with room for different promotions. This isn't the main reason why I am going for this job. I've applied for jobs with higher salaries than this, maybe being a bit too hopeful. But for me, it's definitely an attractive feature. I am not money driven, but as I'm older, I'd like to be able to save money, and have money, and this is a career that will enable that.

2. Move away from Birmingham

Even though I am actually starting to like Birmingham, I've got good friends, and I am becoming fond of the weird architecture, I still want to move away. London first, if I get this job, but eventually abroad. I want to live in all sorts of places during my life, a trait common on my dad's side. I just want to get away from here. Start a new life.

3. Travel and see the world

Well, obviously really want to do that. It's now my main ambition.

4. Build my confidence as a 'normal' person

This is a complicated one to explain. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I am yearning to be taken seriously in a professional working environment, and when you work in a company like Lush, in a shop where effectively you can pretty much do what the fuck you want, and which attracts all sorts of crazies, then you sort of just become a complete weirdo, who will eventually become totally unemployable except in tattoo shops and rock bars. 

5. A job I will thrive in and not be bored

The one thing I like about my job at the moment is sometimes the days are completely different and unpredictable, sometimes totally unstructured, which makes me believe that I would die of boredom if I had to work in an office. I would be so bored. So a job like this, where no one day is ever the same, will keep me so on the edge, that I don't know how I will be able to maintain point number 4.

6. Discounts

...and perks. One of the things I look for when applying for jobs are if it's a company that I will appreciate the discount with. So working in a company that I don't care about would be almost pointless. 

7. Gaining Experience

I want to learn. I am so fed up of what I do at the moment in terms of experience, I'm not learning anything new, and I don't want to go into some boring retail management, where I am memorizing figures and shop floor politics. 

8. Helping Others

I get a lot of satisfaction in work from helping others and looking after people, This job involves doing this, on a grand scale maybe, but in a new way for me, and I would love to be that person that people will remember who did that little bit extra to make them happy. A bit like Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown. At the moment I'm sort of a jaded cosmetic version of Juliet Binoche in Chocolat.

9. Get on the right track

A job like this will put my life back on the right track, free from the destructive lifestyle I am trapped in. It will be the perfect thing to turn me into that person who I dream of being, who treats his life preciously, and looks after himself, and has it show. 

10. To prove I have ambition

To prove that I am not 'useless' or a 'loser' , and that applying for something like this alone shows I have ambition, and that I want to do something with my life. I used to think I had a thicker skin that this, and I know words are only words, but when they hurt you, they stay with you forever. If I only remember this one point alone in the interview, I will feel not that I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain, and that I would give it all I've got, and prove my potential, and that no person can ever take my dignity away from me.

thou was not there

This week has been fine except for the niggling reminder in the back of my mind that I still haven't done any preparation for this job interview, for a job that I really really fucking want more than anything. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have been busy... but with all the wrong things. I don't want to dwell on this, and instead focus on the positive as I still have over a week to prep, and I also booked a few days off as holiday at the end of the week, so I have plenty of time to make sure I have done EVERYTHING possible to be as confident as possible to give myself to best possible chance.

You see, this job could potentially save me. The prep for this job would save me. It involved actually living my life like a respectable human being, and taking pride in my health and appearance. Instead, I've been lazy and 'busy', eating out and getting drunk almost every other evening, going out on the weekend, and spending the next day not even knowing who I am. See there I go again focusing on the negative. Look I still have time, it's not until next week, and I am going to do everything I can. I'm going to detox my skin with cleanse tea and water, eat healthy, get lots of sleep, go swimming, research the history of the company, and all answers to possible questions, as well as practice my confidence, my speech and pronunciation, my posture and purchase a new suit, shoes, shirt and tie, get my teeth cleaned and whitened, nails manicured, references sent off and all documents ready. Looking at it now, it's exciting the insight to the person I could be: professional, confident, and clean (in every sense of the word).

The other thing that has been bothering me has been the weather. It has pissed it down, and then taunted us with glorious sunshine, then hailed, and then more taunting, and then more ice cold rain. It's really beginning to get on my tits. ___ came up with a poem: 'April Showers brings May Flowers'. Very clever...

I went out last night on a drunken wild goose chase with Mark and as usual resulted in putting on make up and me falling asleep on the sofa in the living room in the scorching sunlight. I feel like I want to talk about everything in detail about my week. I did have some nice evenings out with various people and met some nice people here and there. But I fear that writing about this and reliving it here will push me over into a state of guilty panic.

I also think I crossed the line numerous times this week, I've given too much away, I've got too drunk, I've shown the weak side of myself and the vulnerable side too early again, and I've embarrassed myself by being too 'care-free'. I've been a bit up and down, and certain things that I am desperate to just move on from have a funny way of coming back to the surface and reminding me that while you're still here, you are going to be stuck with it forever.

Hot Java Bath Night

 My old room is back again :-)

 My 'desk'

 Look how pleased I am

 My new friends

 Someone's mother

 This street belongs to me and Red

 Radisson

 He watches as I return

 This weekend

 Marks toe

 Marks hand face

 Me feeling good

 Me feeling bad

 detox mask 

YOU'RE NEUROTIC LIKE A YO YO

Last night I was enjoying the comforts of being back at the family home, walking round slowly, appreciating details that usually surpass me like some drug addict just out of rehab, and as I walked past the living room, in my 'langurous wake' I noticed my parents watching Father Ted. Hilarious television years ago I thought, now we watch it to just remember. I then remembered that as a young boy I used to really fancy the younger priest played by Ardal O'Hanlon and used to also remember that in his room above his bed was a Bjork poster of which I had the exact same, in the exact same place. (I was also horrified to find a few years later that I had the same Bjork poster that Nathan from Queer as Folk has in his room. The year was 1999, and I wasn't ready to tell the world I was gay yet, despite the signs, and my mother had very much enjoyed every minute of every episode of QAF that year while I, 15 years old, watched it in my room simultaneously, but with the sound entirely turned down). My mom was, is and probably will always be a fag enabler (Westboro Baptist slang for.... fag hag?). In Britain, 'fag' means cigarette. Anyway, yes my mother has always encouraged the gays. I can hear her fag enabling the cat right now.

Anyway, this story has a point, somewhere. Apart from David Bowie in Labyrinth, there were certain people in the past that I feel shape the type of person you feel you ultimately want to be with as an adult. Of course not many people find that ideal, though some use it as a guideline. Others probably don't care who, they just look for whoever.

I once made a list of the 10 men I'd like to kiss. I since deleted that post, I think my taste in men has changed. This made me realise that my taste is men is almost seasonal. I'm a bit confused at the moment as I am 'seeing' 3 different guys who represent 3 different ages and types. Unfortunately, I don't feel completely connected with any of them for different reasons. But I did understand that after each relationship I had been in, I declared my type of guy as the same as my current recent ex.

There are certain rules in my life regarding relationships and men. Number one is definitely never back catalogue. Don't ever go back with an ex, don't even sleep with an ex, even if your ex was just a one night stand. Don't ever go back to the same person, with whatever intention you have. If you didn't really know them that well but you knew there was nothing there to develop, don't go there again. It's a waste of time. If you had a long term relationship that ended on valid ground, then don't go there again. It will reopen old wounds. It's a rule I used to preach to Greg, the Queen on Self-Drama. But a rule I used to constantly abuse myself.

Number Two is important and a new rule, (I'm making them up from here now) but it's important because it sort of validates why I should be single and NOT dating anyone right now and that is to find a balance in what you're attracted to and what they have to offer. For example, I don't feel an affinity with any guy I have met lately, and as I have become older, I have felt less trapped in a relationship and have come to tolerate whatever it was or used to be a reason that would in the past make me want out. I compromise a lot I guess in my mind before I get stuck in. I was told by Estelle once when discussing a past relationship that you need to notice the things that matter and consider them more, and go with it, because that's what settling down and being happy is. This was convincing at the time, as I was reflecting more optimistically. operating on a large amount of MDMA at the time. However, in time, I realised this form of compromise does not work for me.

By balance I don't mean an equal balance of physical attraction with personality though I can safely argue now, and as someone who is incredibly vain, that personality wins above looks. I am a complex person who likes to be amused, I will wither and die without engaging conversation and a decent sense of humour. However, I suppose I am vain in the fact that I do have specifics to what I would say would add up to the perfect balance, if he existed. And it's those two things that when harmoniously balanced, create that feeling you have of being totally crazy about someone. When I lived with my oldest brother in London, he would often express his disappointment with the girls he used to meet and date, and I just put it down one night to the fact that he is trying to make things work with girls he just wasn't crazy about, and like me has certain requirements of balance that make up that feeling. Unlike me, he would go mad with frustration and get himself into really bad situations, and I'd have to help him out of them. I however in my own situations would try and focus on the good side of the balance in a romantic involvement 'well he might be an alcoholic who starts fights a bus stops but he has lovely long curly hair..... he might be a racist with one bollock but he genuinely seems to enjoy being with me.....' and so forth. Is it worth it?

I have only been crazy like that about one person. You are crazy about them from the beginning. I thought recently perhaps it was because I was young but I still believe that's what it's like when you meet someone you know is right for you. They might not be right for you in other reasons in future circumstances, but my problem at the moment really is getting that balance totally wrong to start with.

I suppose my final rule would be to just be nice and be ready. Not take any shit, but not give any shit back. If I look back at every relationship I've had, it's just been a horrid whirlwind of badly generated karma. I've taken shit from people but at the same time treated people really badly. Sometimes it's just one or the other. But this goes on to a point I made earlier – I don't think this would need to be a rule if I was ready to be with anyone. I keep having realisations, more and more lately, while I'm going about my day to day life, deep in thought, that say I should not be even considering a relationship or even entertaining the idea of being with anyone, or even going on a singular, innocent date. If anything, it really is the last thing I need, and won't need one, realistically, for quite a long time. Sex, I can actually live without, which seems a shock to so many other gay men who need it all the time. I am quite happily left alone in that arena.

What I am trying to say is that when I am ready, a good person for me will come along, and I will be that good person to them. If I force something now, not only am I not being true to myself, but not to them, and I will end up treating them badly out of frustration, jealousy and my own self inflicted problems. I have a lot of things I want to address this year. Lot's of things I want to fix, solve and understand, in all aspects of my life, and when I get back to that level of security, and I say 'back', I don't think it's a level I've ever seen before, but when I get there, I will be ready.

the Devil has many faces

i can change

More photo's from the last week.