I love weddings. I've decided that nothing solves everything except a wedding. Actually, I didn't decide that, I got that from the Simpsons.
I've known them for a while. They have been very good and supportive friends of mine in the past. People like those you will realise are important when you realise that they had some part in shaping your life, and were pivotal in how things turned out for you.
The ceremony was beautiful. What I noticed during their vows was how seriously in love they are with each other, how they looked at each other, it was like a real eternity. I know it sounds corny, and I didn't even think about crying, but it knocked me back. It was a truly beautiful thing to witness, and maybe I am more romantic nowadays, but it warmed my heart, and I always thought I didn't have a heart.
The other day I nearly deleted this blog for a reason that I've now come to think isn't fair on me. I don't want to uproot this and start somewhere else to protect someone else's feelings. But I don't want to have to censor what I write on here because I know a certain person now reads this. Especially as I am now meant to be all about being 'uncensored'. I think there's no wrong or right way, yet I was made to feel that saying too much was bad and keeping everything to yourself was the way forward. I'm not isolating myself, or my feelings- so I will write what I want on here, about who I want. And I say this now because at the wedding I was supposed to be with my ex boyfriend, as when I was invited we were still together, and put us both down in attendance.
I love weddings but I think for any single and hopeless person, sitting at the back, with the hopeless others, you can't help wishing that you could love someone that much one day and feeling bad about yourself and all your failed relationships and now meaningless words. This is an especially hard feeling when the people being wed love each other so much they can't hold it back and compose it in any better way than a raw emotion in front of a room of people. And it didn't seem to bother me when they announced my name as 'Andrew and his guest' when they called out table placings and I was taken up to the reception, alone. But I was caught off guard with this realisation at the most insignificant time. Now, I didn't feel like a loner, even when Manni went home early. I don't pity myself, and I was having a really good time, whether or not I was talking to people or not. It just made my day that I was at a wedding. But I did have a moment when I was sitting alone, glancing over at the empty chair on my left, not necessarily his, but thinking, I can picture you here with me now.
The rest of the wedding was great fun. I seemed to prove popular with a lot of the moms. I think it's because I don't mind dancing to Kylie and Abba with all the ladies and kids, and all women want a man to dance with. I liked them cooing over me and telling me how handsome I was. One woman kept asking me if I had seen any nice ladies I liked. I kept telling her I preferred the company of men. She didn't really understand.
One thing I wanted to do was take photos, and I was captivated with the swishing of the bride's dress in the lights as she danced. The reception felt like the top floor of some super-suite in Hong Kong. I felt like I was in another country. I wanted to take more photos but I wanted to dance and laugh, so I decided to just have fun and remember it all, as memories are more precious than photos. No one can take them away from you, and I will always remember the fun everyone was having.
Anyway, I'm glad I haven't deleted this blog. I would of regretted it. Because it's been going for over a year, and I hope in another years time, I will read back to this time of my life, and laugh and throw my head back, looking up thinking 'how stupid was i?'
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