i can't believe the love i give is not enough to end your fears

The week as of last Sunday in a mixture of prose and lists, but mainly lists, because let's face it, I love lists!

Sunday

sketching satanists

-I had a weird nightmare at ___'s and woke in the morning convinced that some outside force had left me a message in the creases of the duvet.
-Skipped orchestra, told Olly my cat was sick but really I was having a mini nervous breakdown. Half true. I actually don't know what was going on. I think it was just because it was so sunny. I remember debating the reason to not going. I felt like I was skipping school (Olly is very much like a teacher, even though we are the same age). I figured that, the state I was in at work the previous day (I cried a lot), and the fact that I had abandoned my cat to go out for a fancy meal and a night of drinking, and that it was Sunday, meant that I had every right to stay at home, eat pizza and lounge around in my boxer shorts.
- watched Ghost World. Made sense of things. Sketched in my book. 'Devil Boy'.


Monday

- I met ___ for lunch and bought a new sketch book and pencils. I previously wrote what I did the week before, but deleted it as I realised that I am a week behind. I am so confused. It rained today and I went home and drew some pictures. I also purchased two French films, one which was particularly shocking called Baise-Moi, which was basically porn. I went to Park Street and booked my tattoo for next week. Just a quiet night in at home.

Tuesday

- went to work. ordered EVERYTHING. expecting a busy week and weekend.
- found out more unpleasantness about certain work colleague conspiring against me.
- felt paranoid

Wednesday

- celebrated my birthday with ___ at Las Iguanas. This was a particular high light and a very special treat. I don't usually celebrate my birthday. I don't care for it. The reason being is just from bad birthday experiences from the past (lack of friends to have a party, or having a party and no one turning up, or being ill on birthday, or breaking up with someone on birthday, you get the picture). I also feel embarrassed that all this attention is on you. It makes me feel like a twat. But it's nice to be treated to a delicious meal. I was very happy. I felt a bit dizzy with it all.

Thursday

- went to work. Felt a bit ill (developing a cold). Smoking too much. Can't wait to give up.
- went home, feeling relieved.
- saw mom and dad - welcomed them back. Told them how good the cat had been.
- started to plan my relaxing birthday night in (geek option)
- persuaded to go out by someone I barely know. Decided why not.
- got a lot of drinks bought for me because of birthday
- kissed a boy with thin eyebrows
- unknowingly waved at my cousin from taxi. we laughed.
- went back with friends to a flat and partied more
- skyped with my american 'bf' whilst at said party. made it one of my life ambitions to meet, seduce and marry him in the future. then banged on about americans to everyone.
- went back to flat and waited for mark. By now it was Friday day...

Friday

- Mark arrived and we got drunk very quickly.
- we had a very special treat
- i received a lovely hand made penis
- i eventually realised that i had to go home as i had work the next day and my teeth were turning a weird brownish colour.
- went home where I explained to my parents that I was in no fit state to even open my cards and that I was in desperate need of a shower. Haven't shaved all week, so I had a beard, which I was too tired to shave off. I then thought it was probably a nice touch for tomorrow as it was own clothes day at work and I had a sort of date after work. I don't know what's what these days, there are so many levels of casualness and chivalry involved, I'm often left really confused. Are we friends? Did you just touch my leg? Did you hold the door open for me because you want me to think you're polite not just here, but in the ...bedroom? What am I doing here? What's happening??? WHY? Cosmopolitan culture and shows like Sex and the City has now made things like dating some sort of code reading, rule abiding social mess.

hi, im romy, and im an alcoholic

Saturday

what i imagine true love to be like, but obviously nothing like this. what guy owns a bike?

- worked all day and had fun at that.
- went on this date. with a guy called Andrew (lol). apart from a few differences, he was more or less my doppelganger. A more masculine, broader version of myself. I totally felt like the woman, as I was drinking pink grapfruit juice and had a bag (I'd come straight from work). We went to Jekyll and Hyde, which I forget is a really good place. I really liked him, he was interesting and the conversation did not stop. It was weird, maybe because I was going none stop all day, but I didn't feel nervous about it at all, and as soon as I met him at the station we just continued and carried on talking. I didn't want to stay for long as my parents had made a dinner which sounded really nice, and their friends were over, and they are amusing, and I wasn't feeling all that great. Plus my detox starts this weekend. I was proud that I didn't have an alcoholic drink. If you're not drinking alcohol on a night out or at a bar, then grapefruit/pink grapefruit juice is a good option to have because you won't drink it too fast and it's nice to just sip.
- went home and sat in on a dinner party with my parents. There was lasagne, garlic breads, potatoes, and tart au citron with chantilly cream. I had copella juice which is my favourite. Then we looked at photos of my parent's trip to Hong Kong on the television. My dad bought an iPad and is obsessed with it. They are more into technology than I am, well it's easy to be, I don't know anything about technology. Sometimes that makes me feel depressed, and that it's something that will make me feel older and increase the divide between me and younger people, but to some people I've spoke to about it, it's 'endearing'. I tried to influence younger people with things that aren't hyper technological, like records and cameras, but the younger generation really do prefer the convenience of apple macs and iphones, which makes me feel like I'm excluded from some super cool club.
- i had an early night and decided that the next two days will consist of me doing nothing.

Today - EASTER SUNDAY.

wishing you all a merry easter

- today has been weird because Matthew , my ex boyfriend from about 7 years ago, has messaged me again. There is a certain pattern with me and Matthew - what happens is this: we will fall out when we are together, and both very stubbornly will not compromise, and go our seperate ways. I will go home and slag him off till the cows come home and he no doubt does the same about me. We both really get on each other's tits. He was one of those who when I met, I was totally in love with him, it was special and it has great memories, but in retrospect, you wonder why you bothered because you hate each other so much. But in reality, we don't. We are like brothers, we have a sick sense of humour and enjoy being stupid together. We also used to do a lot of drugs together. In fact, the night I met him, he tried to steal my drugs from me. ANYWAY, we fall out, and then ignore each other. I, for some reason, and despite the facts, will just never speak to someone again. It's easy. I mean, I don't enjoy it, but it's easy for me to have that will power. But he will annually send me that message, that will then escalate to the jokey insults we send each other, which are disgusting, and then he will persuade me to see him, and then we will see each other, then we will argue, and then go our seperate ways, and so on... and then it happens again.

the beginning of a bad thing

you might argue that it's kind of rich and self indulgent to detail everything about my week. Who actually cares? But I don't really have anyone in mind to address anymore. And then I realised that I have trouble remembering things, times, places I were and who I was with at them. Sometimes I genuinely get my days mixed up. So it's actually quite useful to write all this down, especially at the moment, as a lot is happening.

If there is a blank space instead of a name, that's because I am assuming the person in question wouldn't appreciate being mentioned here. It's for their own protection and privacy.

tomorrow, who knows what I'll do. I will update my week like this every sunday I think. Keeps me on track. Got a lot of planning to do. Sorting my room out back at home, and making it nice. My flat will be basically an empty 'bachelor' pad to crash at after parties and nights out. Have a good week.

                mommy says i'm pretty