ghost world

I've written about Ghost World and I have written about depression separately before. This week however, the two have been significantly influencing my life together. The two have coordinated thematically with each other in a weird turn of nostalgic coincidence. A bit of an overview - Ghost World is a comic book that was made into a film in 2001. I am fond of both. If you don't know what it's about, then find out for yourself. I recommend both the comic and the film, but definitely the film if you're not a reader or find the concept of comics too strange. I came up with the 'Ghost World effect'. It's the idea of not belonging in a suburban/urban setting and the general feeling of not connecting with anyone in society combined with the fantasy of escape, disappearing, to a new life or worse: just ceasing to exist. The effect results in feelings of isolation, cynicism, criticism and depression, and to some, depending on how you interpret the end of Ghost World, suicide.

A few weeks back, I went through some of my old things, looking for nostalgic books and films to cheer me up. I was pretty depressed and pissed off, and I like all the things I loved when I was younger to take my mind off things. I found my Ghost World comic, and now thinking about it, it's one of my favourite stories and one of my prized possessions. It found a place in my bag for the whole of last week, and automatically became my side narrative for how fucked everything was. It kept me reassured.

I have always been drawn to films and stories that have an unfortunate socially outcast main character. 'Welcome to the Dollhouse' was my favourite film for years because the bullying the main character endured was very similar to the bullying I experienced at school. And like her, I literally had no friends at school. For the most part of my youth, I enjoyed my depression and self pity. I enjoyed wallowing in the depths of other's sympathy, and felt like I was so misunderstood and hard done by. I probably thought I was just being hormonal. I think now I just hadn't learnt to deal, express and understand my mind properly.

Last week was difficult. I thought it was going to be okay, that I had it under control, but this weekend at work made me realise how much of a let down and a disappointment I am, or was. I am shocked at how many people are concerned about me (though with some of them I wouldn't use that word with regard to their interest in my behaviour). I've gained a complaint from one member of my staff, though this person doesn't exactly have a trust worthy track record herself. I am going to find it very difficult to be nice to her at work from now on. It's hard enough anyway, and with what happened to me at the beginning of last week which brought on all this, let's just say - never trust anyone who appears to be happy ALL THE TIME. I've learnt that people like that are more likely to plot, plan and bitch about you behind your back.

I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. This will be my fifth attempt at trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me other than just 'depression'. Since my last visit, which was about 2 years ago, and was probably the most shockingly awful doctor's visit I've ever experienced (he tried to convince me that the reason I was depressed was because I was gay), I have self diagnosed myself as being at least bi polar. I've done research and to an extent formulated ways to cope during episodes. However, I am not equipped to deal with the typical things that can push a bi polar person off the edge during these episodes (break ups, financial difficulties, problems at work, bullying). And I have been experiencing all of these so far this year, not to mention my own problems and identity issues on top. Therefore, I need to be assessed, or referred to someone who can assess me, to tell me what type of bi polar I have (1 or 2), AND any other contributing problems that might need to be addressed. Anti-depressants, also, might help. I'm willing to give them a try.

I read somewhere that there is a strong link between bi polar and creativity. Coincidently, during this week, I bought a sketch book to just draw things and to design tattoos. I just find it weird that there's this connection. If anything, I love it. It makes how bad I felt okay. And if you know Ghost World, then she keeps a sketch book in the form of a diary.

I'm glad the week is over. I am glad the weekend is over. I am glad tomorrow is a day off. And next weekend will be easy and lazy. Despite the horrible realisation of how real the urgency is of getting help was on Saturday, I've still gone about life like everything is dandy. I went to the Warehouse Cafe on Friday for a vegetarian meal and booked in at Park St for my tattoo, and Saturday night I went out for a meal at a fancy restaurant near my flat called Cucina Rustica. Luckily, I didn't have to pay. I've been at my parents though and I've been eating, and enjoying lots of nice hot baths and face masks. I've been planning how to make postive changes and even developing on my project ideas. And I'm spending the entire month prepping for this interview in London.

I've kept Ghost World with me all week though. I can't describe, how or if it is actually helping me. I'm not sure what I'm getting from it. I mean, I picked it up out all my stuff really by accident, yet have totally ignored all the simpsons and comedy stuff I purposely took back with me. I watched the film today, after returning back home. I think I just need it as something to remind me that if you really think about it, the good things from the past make the future worth living, and that there is hope in any situation.