Last night I was talking to my ex Matthew. We've been talking a lot, about our break ups. We haven't actually caught up on anything else; nothing else is worth talking about. I've forgotten how much I enjoy speaking to him, and how much we connect. Not in a romantic way or a silly way, but I forgot how well we understood each other. He also makes me remember how philosophical I can be about stuff, and how surprisingly rational I can be, even though my mind is imbalanced, especially after a weekend out. It made me feel upset and happy at the same time. I felt like I was connecting with him intimately through the keyboard. That he was someone who treated things like I do exactly the same, and that we are almost like the same person. He has it much worse. His boyfriend left him, and has a new boyfriend who could be 'as cold and dead' as his ex, but I know this has hurt him, his ex's new boyfriend is physically everything he would secretly want to be (emaciated... no idea why)... his situation seems worse in lots of ways, and yet I found myself asking how he copes. He said when you feel a feeling, whether it's anger, pain, jealousy, or wanting someone back when you know you shouldn't, you have to acknowledge and recognise that feeling. Tell yourself 'this is what it feels like to be hurt like this'. Then you focus on mentally walking away from that feeling. The way I interpret is, an emotion or a feeling is just that. Once it's been felt, there's no use for it. Then you experience it, and walk away from it. After understanding this from him, I felt a whole lot better. It sounds crazy, but it worked. Last night in bed, I was feeling things I didn't want to feel, and so I spoke to him, and it all made sense. I miss Matthew, I miss having that other person who makes me feel not alone in a world I think I don't belong in.
ANYWAY, I wanted to write about that, because I was talking to him and I had a delayed sort of elevated drug experience at the same time, and I actually felt like I was connecting to someone through the keyboard via golden strands of light, and air war was on, and that always reminds me of drug induced visions of space and time, promise and opportunity, past and present...
I decided today that I am going to write a post every night on here to help me prepare for my interview. I want to be encouraging myself, and I want to write things that are going to be motivational to me and help me go there on Tuesday and get this job. Of course, if I don't get it, I don't want to feel bad. If I put everything I've got into getting this and don't get it, then I will know at least I tried. If I go half arsed and unprepared, then I will be more disappointed, because this isn't the sort of thing you just turn up to and hope for the best. So tonight I want to write 10 REASONS WHY TRYING FOR THIS JOB IS IMPORTANT. 10 points that will inspire me to go and get this. Things I need to remember, when I start to get nervous, to snap myself out of and remember.
1. A higher starting wage
The salary increases as you become more experienced over time, with room for different promotions. This isn't the main reason why I am going for this job. I've applied for jobs with higher salaries than this, maybe being a bit too hopeful. But for me, it's definitely an attractive feature. I am not money driven, but as I'm older, I'd like to be able to save money, and have money, and this is a career that will enable that.
2. Move away from Birmingham
Even though I am actually starting to like Birmingham, I've got good friends, and I am becoming fond of the weird architecture, I still want to move away. London first, if I get this job, but eventually abroad. I want to live in all sorts of places during my life, a trait common on my dad's side. I just want to get away from here. Start a new life.
3. Travel and see the world
Well, obviously really want to do that. It's now my main ambition.
4. Build my confidence as a 'normal' person
This is a complicated one to explain. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I am yearning to be taken seriously in a professional working environment, and when you work in a company like Lush, in a shop where effectively you can pretty much do what the fuck you want, and which attracts all sorts of crazies, then you sort of just become a complete weirdo, who will eventually become totally unemployable except in tattoo shops and rock bars.
5. A job I will thrive in and not be bored
The one thing I like about my job at the moment is sometimes the days are completely different and unpredictable, sometimes totally unstructured, which makes me believe that I would die of boredom if I had to work in an office. I would be so bored. So a job like this, where no one day is ever the same, will keep me so on the edge, that I don't know how I will be able to maintain point number 4.
6. Discounts
...and perks. One of the things I look for when applying for jobs are if it's a company that I will appreciate the discount with. So working in a company that I don't care about would be almost pointless.
7. Gaining Experience
I want to learn. I am so fed up of what I do at the moment in terms of experience, I'm not learning anything new, and I don't want to go into some boring retail management, where I am memorizing figures and shop floor politics.
8. Helping Others
I get a lot of satisfaction in work from helping others and looking after people, This job involves doing this, on a grand scale maybe, but in a new way for me, and I would love to be that person that people will remember who did that little bit extra to make them happy. A bit like Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown. At the moment I'm sort of a jaded cosmetic version of Juliet Binoche in Chocolat.
9. Get on the right track
A job like this will put my life back on the right track, free from the destructive lifestyle I am trapped in. It will be the perfect thing to turn me into that person who I dream of being, who treats his life preciously, and looks after himself, and has it show.
10. To prove I have ambition
To prove that I am not 'useless' or a 'loser' , and that applying for something like this alone shows I have ambition, and that I want to do something with my life. I used to think I had a thicker skin that this, and I know words are only words, but when they hurt you, they stay with you forever. If I only remember this one point alone in the interview, I will feel not that I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain, and that I would give it all I've got, and prove my potential, and that no person can ever take my dignity away from me.
No comments:
Post a Comment