Last night I was enjoying the comforts of being back at the family home, walking round slowly, appreciating details that usually surpass me like some drug addict just out of rehab, and as I walked past the living room, in my 'langurous wake' I noticed my parents watching Father Ted. Hilarious television years ago I thought, now we watch it to just remember. I then remembered that as a young boy I used to really fancy the younger priest played by Ardal O'Hanlon and used to also remember that in his room above his bed was a Bjork poster of which I had the exact same, in the exact same place. (I was also horrified to find a few years later that I had the same Bjork poster that Nathan from Queer as Folk has in his room. The year was 1999, and I wasn't ready to tell the world I was gay yet, despite the signs, and my mother had very much enjoyed every minute of every episode of QAF that year while I, 15 years old, watched it in my room simultaneously, but with the sound entirely turned down). My mom was, is and probably will always be a fag enabler (Westboro Baptist slang for.... fag hag?). In Britain, 'fag' means cigarette. Anyway, yes my mother has always encouraged the gays. I can hear her fag enabling the cat right now.
Anyway, this story has a point, somewhere. Apart from David Bowie in Labyrinth, there were certain people in the past that I feel shape the type of person you feel you ultimately want to be with as an adult. Of course not many people find that ideal, though some use it as a guideline. Others probably don't care who, they just look for whoever.
I once made a list of the 10 men I'd like to kiss. I since deleted that post, I think my taste in men has changed. This made me realise that my taste is men is almost seasonal. I'm a bit confused at the moment as I am 'seeing' 3 different guys who represent 3 different ages and types. Unfortunately, I don't feel completely connected with any of them for different reasons. But I did understand that after each relationship I had been in, I declared my type of guy as the same as my current recent ex.
There are certain rules in my life regarding relationships and men. Number one is definitely never back catalogue. Don't ever go back with an ex, don't even sleep with an ex, even if your ex was just a one night stand. Don't ever go back to the same person, with whatever intention you have. If you didn't really know them that well but you knew there was nothing there to develop, don't go there again. It's a waste of time. If you had a long term relationship that ended on valid ground, then don't go there again. It will reopen old wounds. It's a rule I used to preach to Greg, the Queen on Self-Drama. But a rule I used to constantly abuse myself.
Number Two is important and a new rule, (I'm making them up from here now) but it's important because it sort of validates why I should be single and NOT dating anyone right now and that is to find a balance in what you're attracted to and what they have to offer. For example, I don't feel an affinity with any guy I have met lately, and as I have become older, I have felt less trapped in a relationship and have come to tolerate whatever it was or used to be a reason that would in the past make me want out. I compromise a lot I guess in my mind before I get stuck in. I was told by Estelle once when discussing a past relationship that you need to notice the things that matter and consider them more, and go with it, because that's what settling down and being happy is. This was convincing at the time, as I was reflecting more optimistically. operating on a large amount of MDMA at the time. However, in time, I realised this form of compromise does not work for me.
By balance I don't mean an equal balance of physical attraction with personality though I can safely argue now, and as someone who is incredibly vain, that personality wins above looks. I am a complex person who likes to be amused, I will wither and die without engaging conversation and a decent sense of humour. However, I suppose I am vain in the fact that I do have specifics to what I would say would add up to the perfect balance, if he existed. And it's those two things that when harmoniously balanced, create that feeling you have of being totally crazy about someone. When I lived with my oldest brother in London, he would often express his disappointment with the girls he used to meet and date, and I just put it down one night to the fact that he is trying to make things work with girls he just wasn't crazy about, and like me has certain requirements of balance that make up that feeling. Unlike me, he would go mad with frustration and get himself into really bad situations, and I'd have to help him out of them. I however in my own situations would try and focus on the good side of the balance in a romantic involvement 'well he might be an alcoholic who starts fights a bus stops but he has lovely long curly hair..... he might be a racist with one bollock but he genuinely seems to enjoy being with me.....' and so forth. Is it worth it?
I have only been crazy like that about one person. You are crazy about them from the beginning. I thought recently perhaps it was because I was young but I still believe that's what it's like when you meet someone you know is right for you. They might not be right for you in other reasons in future circumstances, but my problem at the moment really is getting that balance totally wrong to start with.
I suppose my final rule would be to just be nice and be ready. Not take any shit, but not give any shit back. If I look back at every relationship I've had, it's just been a horrid whirlwind of badly generated karma. I've taken shit from people but at the same time treated people really badly. Sometimes it's just one or the other. But this goes on to a point I made earlier – I don't think this would need to be a rule if I was ready to be with anyone. I keep having realisations, more and more lately, while I'm going about my day to day life, deep in thought, that say I should not be even considering a relationship or even entertaining the idea of being with anyone, or even going on a singular, innocent date. If anything, it really is the last thing I need, and won't need one, realistically, for quite a long time. Sex, I can actually live without, which seems a shock to so many other gay men who need it all the time. I am quite happily left alone in that arena.
What I am trying to say is that when I am ready, a good person for me will come along, and I will be that good person to them. If I force something now, not only am I not being true to myself, but not to them, and I will end up treating them badly out of frustration, jealousy and my own self inflicted problems. I have a lot of things I want to address this year. Lot's of things I want to fix, solve and understand, in all aspects of my life, and when I get back to that level of security, and I say 'back', I don't think it's a level I've ever seen before, but when I get there, I will be ready.
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