diary: thou was not there

This week has been fine except for the niggling reminder in the back of my mind that I still haven't done any preparation for this job interview, for a job that I really really fucking want more than anything. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have been busy... but with all the wrong things. I don't want to dwell on this, and instead focus on the positive as I still have over a week to prep, and I also booked a few days off as holiday at the end of the week, so I have plenty of time to make sure I have done EVERYTHING possible to be as confident as possible to give myself to best possible chance.

You see, this job could potentially save me. The prep for this job would save me. It involved actually living my life like a respectable human being, and taking pride in my health and appearance. Instead, I've been lazy and 'busy', eating out and getting drunk almost every other evening, going out on the weekend, and spending the next day not even knowing who I am. See there I go again focusing on the negative. Look I still have time, it's not until next week, and I am going to do everything I can. I'm going to detox my skin with cleanse tea and water, eat healthy, get lots of sleep, go swimming, research the history of the company, and all answers to possible questions, as well as practice my confidence, my speech and pronunciation, my posture and purchase a new suit, shoes, shirt and tie, get my teeth cleaned and whitened, nails manicured, references sent off and all documents ready. Looking at it now, it's exciting the insight to the person I could be: professional, confident, and clean (in every sense of the word).

The other thing that has been bothering me has been the weather. It has pissed it down, and then taunted us with glorious sunshine, then hailed, and then more taunting, and then more ice cold rain. It's really beginning to get on my tits. ___ came up with a poem: 'April Showers brings May Flowers'. Very clever...

I went out last night on a drunken wild goose chase with Mark and as usual resulted in putting on make up and me falling asleep on the sofa in the living room in the scorching sunlight. I feel like I want to talk about everything in detail about my week. I did have some nice evenings out with various people and met some nice people here and there. But I fear that writing about this and reliving it here will push me over into a state of guilty panic.

I also think I crossed the line numerous times this week, I've given too much away, I've got too drunk, I've shown the weak side of myself and the vulnerable side too early again, and I've embarrassed myself by being too 'care-free'. I've been a bit up and down, and certain things that I am desperate to just move on from have a funny way of coming back to the surface and reminding me that while you're still here, you are going to be stuck with it forever.