1. bat for lashes - all my gold
2. purity ring - belispeak
3. gotye - somebody i used to know
This song haunted me for most of the year, and I spent the year avoiding it, walking out of bars and shops if it was on, literally covering my ears if I heard it because of what it represents to me.
4. grimes - genesis
one of those songs I over played this year. I believe this song helped me, chronically, through a long and tough part of my life. I put a lot of pressure on this song.
5. whitney houston - i will always love you
left on my playlist by someone who communicated me with songs
5. vive le fete - noir desir
J'ai un espirit trouble - a troubled song for a troubled boy
7. jane wiedlin - rush hour
I heard this song on the radio while in the IOW and remember it from somewhere and listened to it loads the weekend Aaron and I became 'official'
8. lana del rey - video games
heaven is a place on earth with you
i don't really like lana del rey but this song langurously lingered during the year giving a rose tinted false idea of summer and memories
9. beat connection - palace garden 4am
catchy song I heard at the hairdressers the day I ruined my hair. It cheered me up and I looked forward to getting up in the morning to play it loud while I was in the shower
10. ducksauce - big bad wolf
summer, pussy palace, going on all night and all day, to this ridiculous song. we used to dance around in the bar room to this.
11. foster the people - pumped up kicks
12. class actress - keep you
13. Louis Benton - weekend offender
this song reminds me of new friends I made this summer, chic, jackin house and feeling good in a crowded club
14. Hannah Wants - you want me
15. tamion 12 inch - camera
this is one of my favourite songs anyway, but this year while partying with my brother and hanging out at pussy palace, i found it on youtube, with this video made using photos of the duckface girl, showing how even with loads of the same photos show that this girl poses the same in every fucking picture, and on drugs, it's a really disturbing video.
16. beyonce - why don't you love me?
greg played this before our holiday
17. Maroon 5- moves like jagger
i hate this song but it reminds me of my holiday and greg's parents were obsessed with it. seriously! so by the end of the holiday, i was so drunk i was happy to dance to it.
18. KD Lang miss chatelaine
The song I requested the most on holiday! It made me daydream of Santi sweeping me off my feet and taking me away
19. abba - waterloo
the song I performed a dance to for all my holiday friends
20. harry belafonte - day-o
another song I performed a dance to, this time, the dance form Beetlejuice, much to the delight of the people in the bar
21. summer camp = better off without you
Reunited with this song when the lyrics seemed to match my relationship with my ex - 'stop calling me late at night'
22. aska - love trance
the sunniness of this song seemed to make me remember of the sunlight streaming into my flat during a coke trance in the spring
23. sugarcubes/diana vikers - hit
was hit by this song, when i realised it was a bjork song also
24. rammstein - du riechst sehr gut
love the technoness of this song, played on the shop floor this year
25. The Irrepressibles - tears of a clown (rexrexrex remix)
one of the songs played by Mark, reminds me of Halloween and times with Mark! a happy sad song.
26. Peaches - Fuck the Pain Away (Tits n Clits remix)
stuck on repeat until i turned it off on holiday in IOW
27. Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
Cam's favourite
28. Desire - Under Your Spell
I used to listen to this endlessly, literally waiting for time to heal
29. College - Can I Kiss You First
name of my tumblr, favourite college song
30. Roisin Murphy - Tell Everybody
did it make it harder or easier, that spring and summer, with people walking past my shop, when this played?
i almost remember your face, but its fading, its fading fast
31. Crossover - Black Mess
G4 Man sinema sample in a song i would listen to while i stared at myself in the mirror stoned out my face... the dark sounds suit the dark end of this year
32. Crytal Castles - Telepath
ravey song from new album which will define end of 2012
33. The Waterboys - The Whole of the Moon
new favourite song of all time, i feel helps describe my attitude to life from the point of view of someone else trying to keep up with me
34. Frankmusik - Done Done
a song that wrenched and weighed me down wondering what someone was doing now he was gone
35. Nightfoxxx - The Shape of things to Come
shape of things to come...
36. Mark Farina featuring Sean Hayes - Dream Machine
makes me excited to be done with this year
37. Dj Touche - waskeburt
party song of one of the last weekends of the year
38. the presets - down down down
indie shit
39. Temper Trap - where do we go from here?
40. Florence + the Machine - Remain Nameless
this made me think of someone during a time where i could only imagine his pain and there was nothing more I could do, it was just them on their own, and this song was like a message to them from me
Sunday, 30 December 2012
End of Year QUIZ
1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before? I moved out to live by myself on my own
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I always make new resolutions but I never remember to keep them. I guess I just resolve to be a better person, to do good things for people, and to strive to be a good person. My health is pretty important this year and stopping addictive patterns.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I knew about
4. Did anyone close to you die? Sam Dixon, a friend of mine from Manchester
5. What countries did you visit? Menorca (Spain)
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Stability in my life, a hand to help others through their lives, good causes to live for, productivity, happiness, love.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My holiday week, the beginning of my relationship with, when I broke up with Aaron, October time when I transitioned and when everything began to make sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not ending it all!! Seriously though, it was just surviving and learning from mistakes, misfortunes, harm and people trying to hurt me.
9. What was your biggest failure? I guess letting down my manager at work, and letting so many other people down in different ways. Letting paranoia and doubt take over even when I was right.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had 2 nervous breakdowns... depression was terrible, chest infection, sciatica... depression went away though...
11. What was the best thing you bought? a jacket
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Parents for supporting me when they didn't need to, Hayley for being a friend as well as a girlfriend to my brother, and for dealing with him in the first place, Mark for being by my side and listening to me babble, Daisy for being a good friend and nit thinking I am crazy, or at least not letting on that she does, Katie for her support and belief during a time when it was so easy to not believe me, The Canadian for looking after me, Sammi for providing me with acceptance and a good time, a fresh perspective when everything blows up in your face. x
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Myself, both my ex's this year, certain people I work with for their backstabbing and sabotage, the townsfolk of Solihull for being utterly disgusting and vile, my brothers for their horrid behaviour towards each other and for their lack of respect. Greg for the way he treated his parents on holiday.
14. Where did most of your money go? drugs, rent, clothes, taxis
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My holiday in Son Bou, moving out to be by myself, though it didn't live up to it all, yet turned into something quite special.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012? There are too many.
a) happier or sadder? I am much happier and intend to keep it that way.
b) thinner or fatter? I guess I am the same, I get bigger and then I lose it all.
c) richer or poorer? richer in the mind, poorer in the bank, though I am actually financially richer as I have savings now.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Positive thinking? Yoga? Things that would heal and help? I don't know.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Class A's!!!! I've prematurely aged myself and my bank has suffered immensely.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I will see through Christmas day and then return to my normal life again (update: I slept through it).
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? No, just infatuation and lust I guess. I have a good idea of the kind of love I Want and the kind of guy to provide it, and he wasn't Aaron as much as I adored him at the time. I wonder what he's doing now.
22. How many one-night stands? Five - all terrible disgusting mistakes.
23. What was your favourite TV program? Simpsons forever... I enjoyed aspects of the Big Bang Theory because Aaron loved it and secretly cos I think Leonard looks like David which would make me...Penny? I watched the entire series of True Blood but only because Aaron liked it so much. Simpsons forever!
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people, I am either indifferent or I strongly dislike and avoid at all costs.
25. What was the best book you read? I didn't read any books this year, which is terrible. I will read more next year. I promise.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Waterboys!
27. What did you want and get? Independence to a degree, a futon bed, perspective on life, finally.
28. What did you want and not get? oh everything!
29. What was your favorite film of this year? We Need to talk about Kevin, The Help, Happy Together
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28, and I did nothing for it.
31. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Satisfying is a pointless aim, I think that things were too far gone for me to be 'satisfied'. What I mean is, things were bad, satisfaction would of been too much of a privilege for me to even think about.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? There wasn't so much a concept, though I am far more comfortable with my style now. I will say that the more I suffered this year, the more effort I made in my looks. I think I was needing a distraction. I was often conflicted with what to wear, and have gone through the smartness and have decided to just wear what I want, I like to put a fashionable spin on anything if I feel, but these days I feel like I can wear whatever I want and be comfortable, happy, and stylish and just myself without restriction or following a trend.
33. What kept you sane? Music, weed, people, food, mother's love
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most? Tilda Swinton
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Couldn't care less about politics anymore, I will vote Green however. I think environmental issues are far more important than gay marriage, and intend to get a lot more involved next year.
36. Who did you miss? I miss myself
37. Who was the best new person you met? Kerry from work is pretty cool
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: Do not underestimate your own strength, the chances are you can make it.
39. Song lyrics to sum up the year: 'too high, too far, too soon, you saw the whole of the moon!'
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I always make new resolutions but I never remember to keep them. I guess I just resolve to be a better person, to do good things for people, and to strive to be a good person. My health is pretty important this year and stopping addictive patterns.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I knew about
4. Did anyone close to you die? Sam Dixon, a friend of mine from Manchester
5. What countries did you visit? Menorca (Spain)
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Stability in my life, a hand to help others through their lives, good causes to live for, productivity, happiness, love.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My holiday week, the beginning of my relationship with, when I broke up with Aaron, October time when I transitioned and when everything began to make sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not ending it all!! Seriously though, it was just surviving and learning from mistakes, misfortunes, harm and people trying to hurt me.
9. What was your biggest failure? I guess letting down my manager at work, and letting so many other people down in different ways. Letting paranoia and doubt take over even when I was right.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had 2 nervous breakdowns... depression was terrible, chest infection, sciatica... depression went away though...
11. What was the best thing you bought? a jacket
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Parents for supporting me when they didn't need to, Hayley for being a friend as well as a girlfriend to my brother, and for dealing with him in the first place, Mark for being by my side and listening to me babble, Daisy for being a good friend and nit thinking I am crazy, or at least not letting on that she does, Katie for her support and belief during a time when it was so easy to not believe me, The Canadian for looking after me, Sammi for providing me with acceptance and a good time, a fresh perspective when everything blows up in your face. x
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Myself, both my ex's this year, certain people I work with for their backstabbing and sabotage, the townsfolk of Solihull for being utterly disgusting and vile, my brothers for their horrid behaviour towards each other and for their lack of respect. Greg for the way he treated his parents on holiday.
14. Where did most of your money go? drugs, rent, clothes, taxis
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My holiday in Son Bou, moving out to be by myself, though it didn't live up to it all, yet turned into something quite special.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012? There are too many.
a) happier or sadder? I am much happier and intend to keep it that way.
b) thinner or fatter? I guess I am the same, I get bigger and then I lose it all.
c) richer or poorer? richer in the mind, poorer in the bank, though I am actually financially richer as I have savings now.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Positive thinking? Yoga? Things that would heal and help? I don't know.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Class A's!!!! I've prematurely aged myself and my bank has suffered immensely.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I will see through Christmas day and then return to my normal life again (update: I slept through it).
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? No, just infatuation and lust I guess. I have a good idea of the kind of love I Want and the kind of guy to provide it, and he wasn't Aaron as much as I adored him at the time. I wonder what he's doing now.
22. How many one-night stands? Five - all terrible disgusting mistakes.
23. What was your favourite TV program? Simpsons forever... I enjoyed aspects of the Big Bang Theory because Aaron loved it and secretly cos I think Leonard looks like David which would make me...Penny? I watched the entire series of True Blood but only because Aaron liked it so much. Simpsons forever!
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people, I am either indifferent or I strongly dislike and avoid at all costs.
25. What was the best book you read? I didn't read any books this year, which is terrible. I will read more next year. I promise.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Waterboys!
27. What did you want and get? Independence to a degree, a futon bed, perspective on life, finally.
28. What did you want and not get? oh everything!
29. What was your favorite film of this year? We Need to talk about Kevin, The Help, Happy Together
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28, and I did nothing for it.
31. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Satisfying is a pointless aim, I think that things were too far gone for me to be 'satisfied'. What I mean is, things were bad, satisfaction would of been too much of a privilege for me to even think about.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? There wasn't so much a concept, though I am far more comfortable with my style now. I will say that the more I suffered this year, the more effort I made in my looks. I think I was needing a distraction. I was often conflicted with what to wear, and have gone through the smartness and have decided to just wear what I want, I like to put a fashionable spin on anything if I feel, but these days I feel like I can wear whatever I want and be comfortable, happy, and stylish and just myself without restriction or following a trend.
33. What kept you sane? Music, weed, people, food, mother's love
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most? Tilda Swinton
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Couldn't care less about politics anymore, I will vote Green however. I think environmental issues are far more important than gay marriage, and intend to get a lot more involved next year.
36. Who did you miss? I miss myself
37. Who was the best new person you met? Kerry from work is pretty cool
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: Do not underestimate your own strength, the chances are you can make it.
39. Song lyrics to sum up the year: 'too high, too far, too soon, you saw the whole of the moon!'
Friday, 28 December 2012
turn and watch the summer corn grow
This week has been terrible. Christmas is a farce. I can't focus at work and I'm doing too many drugs now just to get me through this week. If you work or have ever worked in retail, then this week is pretty much the worst week of the year, as you know, and like me, you probably have your doubts about the reliability of Christmas providing 'cheer' and 'goodwill'.
I feel the week's woes are grouped into three sections: one is the work woe and the notion of a retail Christmas, complete with cunty customers and literally no help from my colleagues. One colleague has taken it upon herself to act like she's in charge, throwing her excessive weight around, in a small black blazer that she thinks says 'I'm in charge'. The person who actually is in charge was lucky enough to have a 4 day break over Christmas. Apparently, having a boyfriend warrants extra time. I feel discriminated against. I was at work till half 8 on Christmas Eve putting out sale stuff, struggling to keep it together and stay awake at the same time. I'm back in at 9 a.m Boxing Day, finishing off what I was too tired to finish from Christmas Eve, trying to remember everything, just to give the ungrateful public their stinking soap. Consumerism at its most vulgar is basically what I see Christmas as now. And now that it's over, and for those of you who think it isn't, I feel very sorry for you (cos you clearly need to fill your life with some invalid festive bollocks for some sad reason relating to your broken personality) I can get on with my life and never have to speak about it ever again.
The second woe of this week from Christmas Hell are my family problems. I feel my family is falling apart. I can't bring myself to accept how my father talks to me. I hate being around him. I can't stand the feeling of abandoning my mother. Mostly though I feel slightly guilty about just deserting my entire family completely. They all think they can get away with telling people what to do ALL the time. The worst are my brothers, I feel so ashamed of them all. Disgusting, chauvinistic mess drinkers with extreme violent tendencies and aggressive competitive streaks, like skid marks down their faces they think winning a conflict involves smashing a face as far in as a brainless fist can go, right in, yeah - well yeah! I'm fed up of it I don't belong to a world or a family where violence is the answer frankly they can all just go FUCK THEMSELVES.
My third woe is a little more reflective and depressing. A good friend of mine, one who I may of mentioned before who has cancer has decided to not carry on with chemo and has about a year to live. I will not say any more to that. It's personal and I feel it is my duty to help and support him. I will do anything.
After New Year I am going on a detox, and January will consist of good and productive activities. Apart from detoxing, and healing and resting, I will be preparing for the Big Move and also learning about A New Faith, a new belief system, earthy and rooted to the world and my energies and the way I live my life. I will also be employing the Canadian during January to train me on how to manage my money. I am still debating whether or not to buy a camera with my £800 tax reward.
I feel the week's woes are grouped into three sections: one is the work woe and the notion of a retail Christmas, complete with cunty customers and literally no help from my colleagues. One colleague has taken it upon herself to act like she's in charge, throwing her excessive weight around, in a small black blazer that she thinks says 'I'm in charge'. The person who actually is in charge was lucky enough to have a 4 day break over Christmas. Apparently, having a boyfriend warrants extra time. I feel discriminated against. I was at work till half 8 on Christmas Eve putting out sale stuff, struggling to keep it together and stay awake at the same time. I'm back in at 9 a.m Boxing Day, finishing off what I was too tired to finish from Christmas Eve, trying to remember everything, just to give the ungrateful public their stinking soap. Consumerism at its most vulgar is basically what I see Christmas as now. And now that it's over, and for those of you who think it isn't, I feel very sorry for you (cos you clearly need to fill your life with some invalid festive bollocks for some sad reason relating to your broken personality) I can get on with my life and never have to speak about it ever again.
The second woe of this week from Christmas Hell are my family problems. I feel my family is falling apart. I can't bring myself to accept how my father talks to me. I hate being around him. I can't stand the feeling of abandoning my mother. Mostly though I feel slightly guilty about just deserting my entire family completely. They all think they can get away with telling people what to do ALL the time. The worst are my brothers, I feel so ashamed of them all. Disgusting, chauvinistic mess drinkers with extreme violent tendencies and aggressive competitive streaks, like skid marks down their faces they think winning a conflict involves smashing a face as far in as a brainless fist can go, right in, yeah - well yeah! I'm fed up of it I don't belong to a world or a family where violence is the answer frankly they can all just go FUCK THEMSELVES.
My third woe is a little more reflective and depressing. A good friend of mine, one who I may of mentioned before who has cancer has decided to not carry on with chemo and has about a year to live. I will not say any more to that. It's personal and I feel it is my duty to help and support him. I will do anything.
After New Year I am going on a detox, and January will consist of good and productive activities. Apart from detoxing, and healing and resting, I will be preparing for the Big Move and also learning about A New Faith, a new belief system, earthy and rooted to the world and my energies and the way I live my life. I will also be employing the Canadian during January to train me on how to manage my money. I am still debating whether or not to buy a camera with my £800 tax reward.
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Creamsicle sky as the sun sets in the west
my things
So much has happened in the last 2 weeks and when I go to write everything down I get frustrated for not updating more regularly because I have trouble remembering everything, but then, I look back and realise that I really want time to just hurry, and it really does. How the fuck has 2 weeks just gone by like it has? It's nearly fucking Christmas. Oh, by the way, I've decided to stop celebrating Christmas. This year I am not celebrating it in any way shape or form, but will from next year only celebrate Pagan holidays, such as summer and winter solstice, which to me seem to make a lot more sense. I'll talk to Rowett again on new year, he will explain it to me. It was him who made me realise that there really isn't a god. How I will ever try and tell my nan is beyond me, but born a catholic always a catholic. ANYWAY - i haven't smoked any weed much to my dismay since I last got some and I really want some more. I've done a lot of other drugs and have even re-ridden to dusky white pony twice in the same week, which was nostalgic. i've had to really think, and use text messages to remind myself what exactly I have done these last 2 weeks. I feel literally all over the place. Here goes:-
On Wednesday the 5th I got a new phone, I got an iPhone, a shiny new iPhone. I've never had one before and was a bit scared of it, its touch screen that I am not used to and I still wasn't sure what an app was... anyway I got it and bid that I not get obsessed with it like Leigh-Anne has (every time I see her she's hunched over it like a crack addict over his crack pipe). It's a shiny black thing, it's cute and I like it. The girl who renewed my contract was called Bobbie Pigeon, the best name I have ever heard of. I feel like I'd like to change my name to Coconut or Turkey or Greengrass. At Uni, I almost, in a dazed and altered state, nearly changed my first name to Coconut and my last name to Andrew to form 'Coconut Andrew', one of my nicknames at the time. Sometimes shortened to 'Coco', my other nickname was 'Fuck Face' or for short, 'Fucky', and let's just say I'm glad I never changed it to that.
On Friday the 7th we had a head office visit from _____, who I love because she reminds me of a random girl you may of gone to school with, who is a bit bizarre and slightly dazed but who you would want to be with all the time. I like her a lot. She brought with her some champagne, which I enjoyed with Katie and Kerry at the end, and we ended up going to the pub and getting absolutely slaughtered. I eventually went back to the Canadians in Selly Oak. However, I was so drunk and disorderely that I was being really obnoxious in the street, kicked up a fuss in Tesco, and then bad karma came around in the form of a punch in the face. I decided to learn from my mistakes, deal with the karma and write a poem to remember it by, which I haven't done yet. I impressed the Canadian with it's title 'Karma Kissed with a Fist' though it sounds awfully familiar. I wasn't so impressive when I came home to his however, drunk, angry and basically had a break down right in front of him. In the morning, I had to get to work, in the grey and the wet, with a fat lip and a sore ego.
fuck me
Ironically, the Canadian seems to be even more fond of me now. I would of ran a mile if it was the other way round. I think that when someone sticks around with me this long, they can't be right. I worked the weekend, gave my keys to the Canadian and said you can stay at mine as long as you want, as I am NOT going to Selly Oak. He'd said he'd clean my flat and make me dinner, which was an offer I was not going to refuse at the time. When we got back to the flat, I was nervous because I hadn't been back there in ages, god knows how long, and the longer I leave something the harder it is for me to do it. I didn't want to check my post or open my fridge, expecting the worst like a burnt out shell of a room or squatters. All there was really was a very cold, slightly mildewy, very smelly (mould from rotten food in kitchen) flat. I was a bit worried but we cleaned it out in no time and made it nice and warm. By evening, it was warm and cozy and we were snuggled in bed. Sunday saw me playing music to him and drinking coffee. It's still weird spending time with him. I'm not sure why he likes me sometimes. I still fucked him though, he seemed to enjoy it. On Monday night after work, I met him and we went to Ming Moon, where I over ate on meats and spent half the evening eating ALONE because he insisted on queuing for teriyake and saying that 'dumbass white people' eat the shit buffet food and think it's authentic. Blah blah blah. I found a piece of jelly in the deserts with a pube on it so I put it on his plate, which was funny.
On Wednesday the 12th I worked all day and then went round to Pussy Palace inexplicably without the realisation that I had no way of telling anyone I was coming because I still hadn't saved all my numbers into my new phone. I eventually got in and they were complaining about the condition of the place and panicking that the whole house had to be cleaned before an inspection the next day, so I stayed and helped Paris clean the whole place. I don't know why I am telling you all this. I am stoned and it's my day off as I write this now.
On Thursday I had to go to a funeral of a friend in Manchester. I was going to write about this in it's own entry and go into a lot more detail, but too much time has passed since for me to go back into the thinking stage of this person. What I will say is that Sam Dixon was a very good friend back in Manchester and was a wonderful person. You'd say that about anyone you knew who died, but this woman was a big part of a lot of people's lives for pretty much the same reason and that was acceptance and pure friendship. She was really there for me when I needed her at the time. I have many fond memories of her, and she did rock my life, she made me for a while believe in myself. I felt incredibly protected by her, and loved. She was a good person, with heart, who worked with disabled children and loved animals. She was a bit of a raver, a mad lesbian and a brave hippy.
Sam killed herself. She hung herself with the dog leads from the back of the door. I'm not sure why, or what she was thinking right before, but she did it. Her note only apologised and asked for everyone to forgive her for what she had chosen to do. I forgive her, she was a strong woman, and it takes a strong willed person to go ahead with that. She wanted out; she got out.
In Manchester I saw John and I saw 'Grandad'. It was great to catch up and the service was beautiful. The chosen song at the finish was 'Karma Chameleon' by Culture Club. Not many hippy or 'out there' types attended as I expected, but there were people there in rainbow flags. Afterwards we went back to a friend of John's for tea, and then went onto Canal Street for her after party, where I took some hoof dust in honour. It was a weird experience because John and my emotions were a merry go round of reflection, tears and enjoyment of the celebration. I went back home on the train and got home, had dinner late and slept like a baby.
At the funeral, Elsa read a poem:
Work the next day was a blur, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't stop thinking about Sam. If I wasn't thinking about Sam I was being paranoid that the mini Lush hitlers downstairs were bitching about me and concocting more sabotage plans and ways to make me look bad. After, I went to PP and had a well deserved, full on super party in my head (and with everyone else) in remembrance of Sam. They said at the funeral that a number of family members believed that for a second or so, last week shortly after she died, that they sensed she was there with them, like when a spirit or an angel visits. And they said that they sensed it was Sam because they could smell the strong odour or cannabis, as if Sam herself was there, with her ever-present spliff in her hand. I wondered if she'd visit me, and intended on looking out for the smell of cannabis and the cold air afterwards, but it might be harder for me because I smoke weed myself and my flat is freezing. But on Friday, I felt she was there in her own way. Two lesbians came round who were really nice, bringing with them a similar vibe that Sam had at parties, and I felt I was being encouraged by Sam to hang out with the lesbians and just let go, and I ended up having the best time ever.
Work the next day was a total drag and by the end I felt down and depressed, too bored with the concept of a staff party, drinking wine and being silly. The food was good and I was starving and I perked up after my first bottle of rose but then I just felt knackered and all the drunkeness began to start to annoy me as drunk people tend to grate on me a bit and I just wanted a cup of tea and to start my day off with collapsing in bed. I eventually got home from the drunken grasps of people who wanted to 'come to mine, get booze on the way and have a sesh'. Fuck that. I want to be alone! I had to pay 20 quid for a taxi, which was a lot, but didn't pay for a single drink at the party. so a night out on the cheap sort of levelled there.
I slept the whole of Sunday which must of been needed but had that dread feeling that I had wasted my whole day off by being unconscious I woke up at that part of the day where you know it's about to start turning to go dark... about half 3. I used to love that part of the day, and that appreciation of winter. But things are different now and I seem so anti Christmas this year that I couldn't romanticize the lack of light, and hurried to the shop for supplies so I could say I'd been out. I ended up going to see a friend who had just moved to Moseley, and watched the Chronicles of Narnia and a Simpsons episode called 'Lisa the Treehugger'. I jealousy spied my friends new flat, complete with everything I don't have in mine (washing machine, central heating, separate rooms, a bath tub, warmth, a Christmas Tree) and then started to hate my friend when he told me his time off for Christmas (2 weeks). I died a little bit that night, and hated Christmas even more, even when I couldn't hate it further.
There is something about Christmas this year, some sort of understanding that has made it void to me, and I'm not sure whether it's because I myself changed this year, or that I have forced the change and am resisting the twinkle and fancy and magic, but whatever it is, I am not liking Christmas, and this is someone who used to love Christmas, would decorate and make a fuss, and be the one who sent out cards and loved decorating the tree. I don't even have a tree. I don't have an advent calendar. I don't have tinsel or anything remotely Christmas. My flat looks like any time of the year, and I believe now that it is. The only good thing about Christmas this year is that Mr Kipling Frosted Fancies (basically Christmas version French fancies) are only a pound at Sainsburys.
I thought this year, initially, that I would appreciate Christmas 'properly' to make me still like it; by approaching it religiously. As a child, Christmas was all about the baby Jesus, and the story of the nativity, and arranging the nativity and of course presents and dinner and traditions. Not really for once do I ever remember believing in Father Christmas. As children, we didn't really give a shit, I think we were too smart, and I don't think my parents wanted to confuse us with Jesus and Santa. Who knows. But I thought this year, I'd go to midnight mass, light a candle, arrange the nativity and just think of good things, making changes and good will and all that. But there's one little problem: I don't believe in god anymore. So we are now completely as strangers, me and Christmas. Nothing can defrost me. There is no reasons to validate its celebration in my life, and there are a number of other factors now too such as being poor, being boyfriend-less, and bad memories of having a boyfriend during last Christmas which are putting me off. So bring on New Year, because I've always loved New Year, and I don't care, and I am going to a party in Sheffield and I am hoping Alphabet Zoo is there, because he is sexy and I want to kiss him again.
Other than that I have been listening to the joys of Crossover, Purity Ring and Nightfoxxx and planning my Big Boxing Day Night out with Manni. My brother has been in contact, but that can be next week's drama. Drama Llama has definitely made an appearance in that arena and has been trotting around ringing its bell.
On Thursday I had to go to a funeral of a friend in Manchester. I was going to write about this in it's own entry and go into a lot more detail, but too much time has passed since for me to go back into the thinking stage of this person. What I will say is that Sam Dixon was a very good friend back in Manchester and was a wonderful person. You'd say that about anyone you knew who died, but this woman was a big part of a lot of people's lives for pretty much the same reason and that was acceptance and pure friendship. She was really there for me when I needed her at the time. I have many fond memories of her, and she did rock my life, she made me for a while believe in myself. I felt incredibly protected by her, and loved. She was a good person, with heart, who worked with disabled children and loved animals. She was a bit of a raver, a mad lesbian and a brave hippy.
Sam killed herself. She hung herself with the dog leads from the back of the door. I'm not sure why, or what she was thinking right before, but she did it. Her note only apologised and asked for everyone to forgive her for what she had chosen to do. I forgive her, she was a strong woman, and it takes a strong willed person to go ahead with that. She wanted out; she got out.
In Manchester I saw John and I saw 'Grandad'. It was great to catch up and the service was beautiful. The chosen song at the finish was 'Karma Chameleon' by Culture Club. Not many hippy or 'out there' types attended as I expected, but there were people there in rainbow flags. Afterwards we went back to a friend of John's for tea, and then went onto Canal Street for her after party, where I took some hoof dust in honour. It was a weird experience because John and my emotions were a merry go round of reflection, tears and enjoyment of the celebration. I went back home on the train and got home, had dinner late and slept like a baby.
At the funeral, Elsa read a poem:
There was a time
And for a while
I wrote you poems
That made you smile
We helped each other
through good and bad
and cried together
when we were sad
So many walks
with Mrs T and a ball
So many laughs
You gave us all
Your Spikey hair
had to be just right
It took forever
to look good on the night
I'm sad I lost you
Something took you away
I tried to help
but couldn't make you stay
And now you've gone
And all we hear
Are echoes of laughter
As we wipe a tear
No more stories
For you to tell us all
But I think in heaven
They'll all have a ball
So say hello
to Mrs T
Give her a kiss
Just from me
I wish you peace and joy
whenever you are
and know that you were loved
Our Special little Star
Work the next day was a blur, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't stop thinking about Sam. If I wasn't thinking about Sam I was being paranoid that the mini Lush hitlers downstairs were bitching about me and concocting more sabotage plans and ways to make me look bad. After, I went to PP and had a well deserved, full on super party in my head (and with everyone else) in remembrance of Sam. They said at the funeral that a number of family members believed that for a second or so, last week shortly after she died, that they sensed she was there with them, like when a spirit or an angel visits. And they said that they sensed it was Sam because they could smell the strong odour or cannabis, as if Sam herself was there, with her ever-present spliff in her hand. I wondered if she'd visit me, and intended on looking out for the smell of cannabis and the cold air afterwards, but it might be harder for me because I smoke weed myself and my flat is freezing. But on Friday, I felt she was there in her own way. Two lesbians came round who were really nice, bringing with them a similar vibe that Sam had at parties, and I felt I was being encouraged by Sam to hang out with the lesbians and just let go, and I ended up having the best time ever.
Work the next day was a total drag and by the end I felt down and depressed, too bored with the concept of a staff party, drinking wine and being silly. The food was good and I was starving and I perked up after my first bottle of rose but then I just felt knackered and all the drunkeness began to start to annoy me as drunk people tend to grate on me a bit and I just wanted a cup of tea and to start my day off with collapsing in bed. I eventually got home from the drunken grasps of people who wanted to 'come to mine, get booze on the way and have a sesh'. Fuck that. I want to be alone! I had to pay 20 quid for a taxi, which was a lot, but didn't pay for a single drink at the party. so a night out on the cheap sort of levelled there.
I slept the whole of Sunday which must of been needed but had that dread feeling that I had wasted my whole day off by being unconscious I woke up at that part of the day where you know it's about to start turning to go dark... about half 3. I used to love that part of the day, and that appreciation of winter. But things are different now and I seem so anti Christmas this year that I couldn't romanticize the lack of light, and hurried to the shop for supplies so I could say I'd been out. I ended up going to see a friend who had just moved to Moseley, and watched the Chronicles of Narnia and a Simpsons episode called 'Lisa the Treehugger'. I jealousy spied my friends new flat, complete with everything I don't have in mine (washing machine, central heating, separate rooms, a bath tub, warmth, a Christmas Tree) and then started to hate my friend when he told me his time off for Christmas (2 weeks). I died a little bit that night, and hated Christmas even more, even when I couldn't hate it further.
o, christmas tree
There is something about Christmas this year, some sort of understanding that has made it void to me, and I'm not sure whether it's because I myself changed this year, or that I have forced the change and am resisting the twinkle and fancy and magic, but whatever it is, I am not liking Christmas, and this is someone who used to love Christmas, would decorate and make a fuss, and be the one who sent out cards and loved decorating the tree. I don't even have a tree. I don't have an advent calendar. I don't have tinsel or anything remotely Christmas. My flat looks like any time of the year, and I believe now that it is. The only good thing about Christmas this year is that Mr Kipling Frosted Fancies (basically Christmas version French fancies) are only a pound at Sainsburys.
I thought this year, initially, that I would appreciate Christmas 'properly' to make me still like it; by approaching it religiously. As a child, Christmas was all about the baby Jesus, and the story of the nativity, and arranging the nativity and of course presents and dinner and traditions. Not really for once do I ever remember believing in Father Christmas. As children, we didn't really give a shit, I think we were too smart, and I don't think my parents wanted to confuse us with Jesus and Santa. Who knows. But I thought this year, I'd go to midnight mass, light a candle, arrange the nativity and just think of good things, making changes and good will and all that. But there's one little problem: I don't believe in god anymore. So we are now completely as strangers, me and Christmas. Nothing can defrost me. There is no reasons to validate its celebration in my life, and there are a number of other factors now too such as being poor, being boyfriend-less, and bad memories of having a boyfriend during last Christmas which are putting me off. So bring on New Year, because I've always loved New Year, and I don't care, and I am going to a party in Sheffield and I am hoping Alphabet Zoo is there, because he is sexy and I want to kiss him again.
Other than that I have been listening to the joys of Crossover, Purity Ring and Nightfoxxx and planning my Big Boxing Day Night out with Manni. My brother has been in contact, but that can be next week's drama. Drama Llama has definitely made an appearance in that arena and has been trotting around ringing its bell.
Oh and I joined Instagram, the week that everyone starts harping on about leaving Instagram because of photo copyrights or whatever. Regardless, here are some stunningly amazing, 'vintage-look' shots of my cat and me, yawning.
Monday, 3 December 2012
and i'm achin for you, i . ache , i
I've had quite the weekend. On Friday night I went to Sammi and Paris's and got absolutely FUCKED OUT MY FACE. The night was getting really heavy by the time I had to leave for work, and it was one of those where I kind of wanted to stay, but I am usually on my own anyway, it's different not having a sidekick by your side.
I then went to work for one of the busiest Saturdays of the year so far, if not the busiest (and they only get busier). I panicked in the morning because I still felt totally wired but I think I managed to pull off normal. In fact, I worked incredibly hard ALL day and even managed to eat. I took great pleasure in finding out that a certain member of staff is LEAVING and therefore I don't have to feel so annoyed all the time with a person who to me represents everything that is WRONG with the youth and culture of today in the country.
I went to the Canadian's in Selly Oak and stayed there till today. Selly Oak is a shit hole, He bought me a toothbrush with spongebob on it and we had a good time together as usual. He broached the subject of making what we have a bit more serious, or wanted to at least know what I thought of where it was going, but I just said I didn't know, because I do. On the one hand, I do like him, and we do get along and there is something, but on the other I feel put off by the fact that I am leaving Birmingham in 4 months if that, and that I have a certain idea, an imagination, of the kind of guy that I would be happy with, the kind of guy I am going to Brighton to find one day, and it's nothing like him.
i want to be set free and i cannot wait. in 1 months time it will be only 3 months till i can. i feel like i want the summer, and i want to wear jeans and t-shirts again and to do whatever i want and have no boundaries, especially the ones set by myself.
I then went to work for one of the busiest Saturdays of the year so far, if not the busiest (and they only get busier). I panicked in the morning because I still felt totally wired but I think I managed to pull off normal. In fact, I worked incredibly hard ALL day and even managed to eat. I took great pleasure in finding out that a certain member of staff is LEAVING and therefore I don't have to feel so annoyed all the time with a person who to me represents everything that is WRONG with the youth and culture of today in the country.
I went to the Canadian's in Selly Oak and stayed there till today. Selly Oak is a shit hole, He bought me a toothbrush with spongebob on it and we had a good time together as usual. He broached the subject of making what we have a bit more serious, or wanted to at least know what I thought of where it was going, but I just said I didn't know, because I do. On the one hand, I do like him, and we do get along and there is something, but on the other I feel put off by the fact that I am leaving Birmingham in 4 months if that, and that I have a certain idea, an imagination, of the kind of guy that I would be happy with, the kind of guy I am going to Brighton to find one day, and it's nothing like him.
i want to be set free and i cannot wait. in 1 months time it will be only 3 months till i can. i feel like i want the summer, and i want to wear jeans and t-shirts again and to do whatever i want and have no boundaries, especially the ones set by myself.
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
i wanna keep you
im getting fed up of smoking weed secretly on the balcony that surrounds my parents apartment, so I might go home for a couple of days at some point. I want to avoid spending money and i also want to completely give up doing mcat so its a good idea to keep away from old zones though I am enjoying being at home with the bath and free food. I got an unexpected tax rebait for £725 which was a huge surprise. it;s going towards Brighton. I am so excited now as this is a sign that im choosing the right path and it;s a head start and an encouragement to really do this. i keep fantasising about this person that i want to be, because i think this person is free not from things that are personally connecting him to things here but because he is free of the effect of the horrid popular social culture that dominates here. Brighton is a place for a hundred of the new me copies. I've been unruly, off the rails, I've been down dark avenues to prove. I've laughed at fat people on television and i've seen the signs of ugly inside and out struggle to rear their ugly double-heads in / on me. i sleep with Noah at night and see a future bathed in white walls and light and a sea view where this young person is going to exist. i feel like i am biding time while he waits. its up to me now to plan every detail that is the result of a transition of a life time. how good it will feel to leave that past behind. all the things that i won't have to live with anymore. what a dream, but more so because this dream will be real in 4 months time, and 4 months is only a quarter of a year.
Sunday, 25 November 2012
info-marshall
I am going to move to Brighton in March, i've decided. I put the idea on hold when I was promoted and obviously things in life go from one thing to the other and decisions have to be made under pressure and on a time limit so I've stuck around here in Birmingham longer than I have intended. Ever since my life changed this autumn (or i just got my life back after 3 years of hell) i've been feeling a lot different about things and this idea came back where it's achievable to move somewhere if you wanted to. David moved to Norway, I know its different, but if I wanted to move to Brighton that badly then with planning and precision it can be done in the Spring, and lately I've been really feeling my stay here is over due and that I need that new scenery as soon as possible.
I've been smoking weed a lot lately, and I feel weird that I have gone back to this now, as something I used to do. Not to say that stopping smoking weed as much as I did was the reason why the last 3 years were so difficult, but the coincidence has made me think about how much I enjoyed life as a relaxed fantasist as opposed to the struggling person fitting in a place full of people I hate.
What I liked about smoking weed and getting wasted with my friends was that I got to daydream so vividly where I pictured myself as a person who I truly liked being as myself, a person that is obtainable by starting again and not having a background or history to any new person that he meets, establishing himself somewhere in a house share with a job and meeting someone I have deep down always dreamed of. Because the way that I am now I think psychologically boils down to the fact that I don't want to care about being not liked or being alone, or even having friends. I think deep down I want to be that nice healthy boy next door in white t-shirt and jeans without a care in the world with happy, sunny and friendly personality.
And then I think I am really going to do this, I am going to change and be a better person, nicer, kinder, friendlier, basically not a great big bitch and a total cunt (typical Aries) but someone who is actually fucking nice. but not that kind of patronizing nice where they patronizingly make sure you're seeing them treat homeless bums in the street like they're mates that they've known for years.
it's my number one fantasy to just disappear one day, and never come back (i share this fantasy with enid) and what are fantasies for if not for living out? Cos last time I checked people had fantasies just so they could act them out on someone experimental but less keen.
I've been smoking weed a lot lately, and I feel weird that I have gone back to this now, as something I used to do. Not to say that stopping smoking weed as much as I did was the reason why the last 3 years were so difficult, but the coincidence has made me think about how much I enjoyed life as a relaxed fantasist as opposed to the struggling person fitting in a place full of people I hate.
What I liked about smoking weed and getting wasted with my friends was that I got to daydream so vividly where I pictured myself as a person who I truly liked being as myself, a person that is obtainable by starting again and not having a background or history to any new person that he meets, establishing himself somewhere in a house share with a job and meeting someone I have deep down always dreamed of. Because the way that I am now I think psychologically boils down to the fact that I don't want to care about being not liked or being alone, or even having friends. I think deep down I want to be that nice healthy boy next door in white t-shirt and jeans without a care in the world with happy, sunny and friendly personality.
And then I think I am really going to do this, I am going to change and be a better person, nicer, kinder, friendlier, basically not a great big bitch and a total cunt (typical Aries) but someone who is actually fucking nice. but not that kind of patronizing nice where they patronizingly make sure you're seeing them treat homeless bums in the street like they're mates that they've known for years.
it's my number one fantasy to just disappear one day, and never come back (i share this fantasy with enid) and what are fantasies for if not for living out? Cos last time I checked people had fantasies just so they could act them out on someone experimental but less keen.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
PROTECT YOU FROM ALL THE THINGS I'VE SEEN
I actually wrote a negative rant about jealousy, but then I realised I was just unblocking something. I'm glad that everyone is friends with everyone else. It's natural I feel left out, because that's how I've always felt, so i still will get that. But it makes more sense now why I'm not really part of your group of your boyfriend anymore (pick whichever). I am just not like you.
Like I've realised lately as well , I am of a particular kind WITH a mind that is one of not many sorts and that mind I am becoming more and more convinced by the day is becoming nearing impossible to match with another. Moving away is one of the reasons why - if I can meet someone somewhere else in a place that offers a higher variety of culture, interests, tastes, people, then I might be wrong. It takes more for me you see, Birmingham , she does not supply to me.
////
I'm looking forward to changing my number and getting my new phone and deleting my facebook. I need a facebook for work it seems so i might have to make a new one, but i just want to delete all these people that haven't done anything in particular but who I never see, who i don't really like and i am so fed up of my facebook and my phone being connected. it's so sad and superficial and anti social to have it on there. i want to delete aaron but have a different number so he won't contact me asking me why.
////
There is more to my life now , and even more after this Hell Year is over and I've covered it in petrol and set it on fire , a heap of burning lies, pain and suffering up in smoke, drifting off into a milky way , a sky that only holds the memories.
////
I am going to research my interests and projects from now on. I won't look for a new job between now and Christmas because it might be too much pressure, and if I get a new job it might effect me getting ANOTHER in another town in the spring time... I may as well stick it. According to my star sign, it shall be the best time between now and Christmas to get a job... or to build and develop career. I am interpreting that as focusing on the research of FREELANCE.
///PHOTOGRAPHY
///PHOTO JOURNALISM
///CURRENT AFFAIRS , AND CURRENT AFFAIRS RELATED TO PHOTO JOURNALISM.
ADEQUATE UNDERSTANDING ON POLITICAL STRUCTURES AND KNOWLEDGE OF POLITICAL AND ECONOMICAL CLIMATE HERE AND ABROAD.
///FASHION
///FASHION'S THEORY
///FASHION AND HOW IT IS REFLECTED IN THE CURRENT CONDITION OF SOCIETY AND ECONOMY
///PHILOSOPHY
///ASTROLOGY
///TAROT
///PAGANISM/WICCA/THE EARTH/ENERGY
///WRITING READING LITERATURE
///RACIAL POLITICS NOW AND IN HISTORY
///MUSIC PRODUCTION
///EVOLUTION OF POP CULTURE
///PORNOGRAPHY
////MORALS AND ETHICS
////ART
///TRAVEL
////TEACHING, TEACHING ABROAD AND TEFL
///MY HEALTH
///ORGANIC, SIMPLE LIVING?
///MINIMALISM
////COOKING
///DRUG CULTURE, BRIT CULTURE, THE 90S
////MEDITATION/ZEN/BUDDHISM
////WORLD RELIGIONS
////HELPING OTHERS/CARE
////NATURE
the biggest aid to research are books and reading.
REJECT: ////
....//////
.///
///CHEAP MEDIA
////GAY RIGHTS/GAY SCENE - ATTACHMENT TO GAY SCENE THAT CREATES RESENTMENT TOWARDS PEOPLE SPREADING THEIR LEGS AND DISEASES ROUND TOWNS
////FAST FASHION AND EASY TRENDS
//// DRUG ABUSE
///SOCIAL MEDIA WITH NOTHING TO RESEARCH AND PROMOTE EXCEPT FANTASY VERSIONS OF YOURSELF
////TOO MUCH EMPHASIS OF THE SELF
///PROCRASTINATION WITH MAINLY THE ABOVE
///RANTS
///RELATIONSHIPS
rejection mainly of a lifestyle that is not enabling you to progress in the right direction, and finding a way out of the difficulty of habit from what you are used to.
INTELLIGENT CHOICES, INTELLIGENT PEOPLE. INTELLIGENT FASHION! INTELLIGENT DANCE MUSIC!!
Like I've realised lately as well , I am of a particular kind WITH a mind that is one of not many sorts and that mind I am becoming more and more convinced by the day is becoming nearing impossible to match with another. Moving away is one of the reasons why - if I can meet someone somewhere else in a place that offers a higher variety of culture, interests, tastes, people, then I might be wrong. It takes more for me you see, Birmingham , she does not supply to me.
////
I'm looking forward to changing my number and getting my new phone and deleting my facebook. I need a facebook for work it seems so i might have to make a new one, but i just want to delete all these people that haven't done anything in particular but who I never see, who i don't really like and i am so fed up of my facebook and my phone being connected. it's so sad and superficial and anti social to have it on there. i want to delete aaron but have a different number so he won't contact me asking me why.
////
There is more to my life now , and even more after this Hell Year is over and I've covered it in petrol and set it on fire , a heap of burning lies, pain and suffering up in smoke, drifting off into a milky way , a sky that only holds the memories.
////
I am going to research my interests and projects from now on. I won't look for a new job between now and Christmas because it might be too much pressure, and if I get a new job it might effect me getting ANOTHER in another town in the spring time... I may as well stick it. According to my star sign, it shall be the best time between now and Christmas to get a job... or to build and develop career. I am interpreting that as focusing on the research of FREELANCE.
///PHOTOGRAPHY
///PHOTO JOURNALISM
///CURRENT AFFAIRS , AND CURRENT AFFAIRS RELATED TO PHOTO JOURNALISM.
ADEQUATE UNDERSTANDING ON POLITICAL STRUCTURES AND KNOWLEDGE OF POLITICAL AND ECONOMICAL CLIMATE HERE AND ABROAD.
///FASHION
///FASHION'S THEORY
///FASHION AND HOW IT IS REFLECTED IN THE CURRENT CONDITION OF SOCIETY AND ECONOMY
///PHILOSOPHY
///ASTROLOGY
///TAROT
///PAGANISM/WICCA/THE EARTH/ENERGY
///WRITING READING LITERATURE
///RACIAL POLITICS NOW AND IN HISTORY
///MUSIC PRODUCTION
///EVOLUTION OF POP CULTURE
///PORNOGRAPHY
////MORALS AND ETHICS
////ART
///TRAVEL
////TEACHING, TEACHING ABROAD AND TEFL
///MY HEALTH
///ORGANIC, SIMPLE LIVING?
///MINIMALISM
////COOKING
///DRUG CULTURE, BRIT CULTURE, THE 90S
////MEDITATION/ZEN/BUDDHISM
////WORLD RELIGIONS
////HELPING OTHERS/CARE
////NATURE
the biggest aid to research are books and reading.
REJECT: ////
....//////
.///
///CHEAP MEDIA
////GAY RIGHTS/GAY SCENE - ATTACHMENT TO GAY SCENE THAT CREATES RESENTMENT TOWARDS PEOPLE SPREADING THEIR LEGS AND DISEASES ROUND TOWNS
////FAST FASHION AND EASY TRENDS
//// DRUG ABUSE
///SOCIAL MEDIA WITH NOTHING TO RESEARCH AND PROMOTE EXCEPT FANTASY VERSIONS OF YOURSELF
////TOO MUCH EMPHASIS OF THE SELF
///PROCRASTINATION WITH MAINLY THE ABOVE
///RANTS
///RELATIONSHIPS
rejection mainly of a lifestyle that is not enabling you to progress in the right direction, and finding a way out of the difficulty of habit from what you are used to.
INTELLIGENT CHOICES, INTELLIGENT PEOPLE. INTELLIGENT FASHION! INTELLIGENT DANCE MUSIC!!
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Monday, 19 November 2012
the only thing that's keeping you are relatives and clothes
I don't want to spend Christmas Day feeling awkward and annoyed. I don't even want to celebrate this stupid day anymore. I would like a jar of traditional old time humbugs. And yes, of course there is a wish list. I write it because it's a wish list, I don't expect to get any of it. And I don't expect to get any of it because I won't get any of it.
I've done family Christmas of course. I've done the frivolous Christmas and the low key. I've been to midnight mass. I've done the boozy Christmas and the druggy Christmas. I've done the spliffs and whiskey after Christmas dinner and I've done the all night Boxing Day rave. I've done the no strings Christmas fling and I've had a Christmas with a boyfriend. Now I just want to experience a Christmas on my own. I'm not allowed. I have to spend it with family.
It's been a stressful weekend, but I did get a chance to de-stress, and am still de-stressing as we speak. Friday and Saturday went by like a blur. The crush I thought I was experiencing is just a figment of my imagination and was just encouraged by attention. Like with Dorian, I used to fantasise about what could be, just because he was being a nice person. Saturday was quick and awkward, feeling like one member of staff becoming dangerously close to serious trouble, the whole thing just spiralling out of control at any minute, confirming my desire as strong as ever to just get out. November's forecast spells out that between now and Christmas Day is the best time for looking for new work and career. I am getting on with it then, and looking for a new job. I want to be gone from the shop by January, and moved out and progressed somewhere else out of Birmingham by March. I want to explore and take risks, and really feel like I am living my life. I am fed up of this routine, this repetitive safeness, the bad environmental influences of the people around me and of the town. The people though are the worst for me, even the ones I like. Everyone effects me in some way, and I just feel I am really over due a move and a fresh start. A change of scenery. Now is the time.
On Sunday I returned to my flat. It was cold and slightly messy. I cozied up and the Canadian came over, and we watched simpsons and Election, and he showed me youtube videos, some were not funny, some were. I previously stated he was generic, I take this back as it's insulting. I was pretty much using that assumption based on his taste in music (Taylor Swift) but that brings me onto my new years resolutions which is to stop bitching and being such a cunt to people and to stop judging people. Yes Taylor Swift is shit, but the Canadian is very cute and has been extremely nice to me. The things that I don't like are the incessant sexual innuendos, and the corny lines he comes out with, and the kissing right inside my ear, its so loud that it hurts my ear drums, and also the food he eats. On Sunday all he ate was I think boiled brocolli. Made me feel SICK. He also chews with his mouth open, yet is quite open about how I am 'gross' (Americans and Canadians have warped ideas of hygeine, etc). He went this morning, I was asleep enjoying my day off lie in. I got up around 12, decluttered my flat (I want to try and be minimal) and then made a really long journey to my parents where I ate too much and watched a really funny Simpsons where Lisa becomes obsessed with crosswords.
I've done family Christmas of course. I've done the frivolous Christmas and the low key. I've been to midnight mass. I've done the boozy Christmas and the druggy Christmas. I've done the spliffs and whiskey after Christmas dinner and I've done the all night Boxing Day rave. I've done the no strings Christmas fling and I've had a Christmas with a boyfriend. Now I just want to experience a Christmas on my own. I'm not allowed. I have to spend it with family.
It's been a stressful weekend, but I did get a chance to de-stress, and am still de-stressing as we speak. Friday and Saturday went by like a blur. The crush I thought I was experiencing is just a figment of my imagination and was just encouraged by attention. Like with Dorian, I used to fantasise about what could be, just because he was being a nice person. Saturday was quick and awkward, feeling like one member of staff becoming dangerously close to serious trouble, the whole thing just spiralling out of control at any minute, confirming my desire as strong as ever to just get out. November's forecast spells out that between now and Christmas Day is the best time for looking for new work and career. I am getting on with it then, and looking for a new job. I want to be gone from the shop by January, and moved out and progressed somewhere else out of Birmingham by March. I want to explore and take risks, and really feel like I am living my life. I am fed up of this routine, this repetitive safeness, the bad environmental influences of the people around me and of the town. The people though are the worst for me, even the ones I like. Everyone effects me in some way, and I just feel I am really over due a move and a fresh start. A change of scenery. Now is the time.
On Sunday I returned to my flat. It was cold and slightly messy. I cozied up and the Canadian came over, and we watched simpsons and Election, and he showed me youtube videos, some were not funny, some were. I previously stated he was generic, I take this back as it's insulting. I was pretty much using that assumption based on his taste in music (Taylor Swift) but that brings me onto my new years resolutions which is to stop bitching and being such a cunt to people and to stop judging people. Yes Taylor Swift is shit, but the Canadian is very cute and has been extremely nice to me. The things that I don't like are the incessant sexual innuendos, and the corny lines he comes out with, and the kissing right inside my ear, its so loud that it hurts my ear drums, and also the food he eats. On Sunday all he ate was I think boiled brocolli. Made me feel SICK. He also chews with his mouth open, yet is quite open about how I am 'gross' (Americans and Canadians have warped ideas of hygeine, etc). He went this morning, I was asleep enjoying my day off lie in. I got up around 12, decluttered my flat (I want to try and be minimal) and then made a really long journey to my parents where I ate too much and watched a really funny Simpsons where Lisa becomes obsessed with crosswords.
Thursday, 15 November 2012
darling look over the moon
I am exhausted and frankly quite glad this day is over with now despite not being able to get the trousers that I wanted but in a situation like that where after hours of queuing and resisting the urge to punch a rude Chinese person in the back of the head for lacking the simple concept of patience and manners I put it down to a good reason for them not being available. It sucks that they weren't stocked here in Birmingham, and people who came here today to get stuff were disappointed because up to 9 different items were not provided, because this was the nearest store to them and had traveled a long way to get stuff. It's reassured me I am totally doing the right thing about leaving Birmingham. However, I reckon the trousers I wanted might not of been totally right. I had some doubts when I thought about them about how and what I would wear them with. The jacket and belt, that I bought without a problem, possess an element of sexiness to them, and the jacket is going to be a staple that will age well, I imagine, with wear. By summer the jacket will be an addicted to everyday piece thrown on over anything. The trousers I feared might be too daring and limited in wear, and I think they might not of either looked right or they might of attracted unwanted attention. I still would like to get a pair of wide legged, over-sized trousers... but just not to wear in and around Birmingham, and maybe not for winter time. They might not of been practical. I for some reason see myself wearing trousers like those somewhere in good weather, somewhere relaxed, leisurely and laid back, the background not one I recognise from here.
One of the reasons I was so attracted to these trousers was because they reminded me of a pair of trousers from an outfit bought for me by a guy I was dating when I was about 18. I was out in the Nightingale, back when the Nightingale was still only just an OK place to go, and I received the worst chat up line ever ("YOU would look GREAT in my CAR"). If someone said that to me now I would be so offended, I'd tell them I walk everywhere...which i do... but anyway, for someone who was only 25 at the time he seemed to have a pretty good job , working in music and having worked with Bjork, I was fascinated by this guy who drove a Lotus Elise and promised to buy me a 'cello after seeing me play. Underneath the smothering of goods was a guy who probably did like me, but guess when you get that much money, you want to keep a guy like me kept with treats, which even back then didn't phase me. I was starting to really get into fashion so I was delighted to be bought an outfit for a holiday to Vienna, from Yves Saint Laurent Rive Gauche - a black shirt and black trousers that were slim waisted, wide legged and very baggy. They totally disguised my legs, and they were amazing. They came with a little leather belt. After I broke up with him I had to give them back, which I did, and I didn't feel bad, I didn't deserve them and at the time had nowhere to wear them but I remember how stylish I felt in them, so I guess I wanted something nostalgic from back then. I'm going to keep my eyes open for that sort of style.
I am tempted to look out for a pair of judo trousers, or Japanese combat trousers or ninja trousers and dye them black if they aren't already. I want my legs to be swamped in material and my waist to be bound in. I think that's incredibly sexy.
I would like to get a pair of really nice black jeans, but these days I am not drawn to denim at all. I would like to experiment with more fitted and slimmer fit trousers, but I still want to build a collection of the baggy, ruched and low crotch Vivienne Westwood trousers by trailing on eBay and I want trousers to hang off my body, leaving it all to the imagination, complete opposite to the skinny, low slung denims you see, with the entirety of your underwear on display.
Slim fit and skinny trousers I have always been put off by because I don't like to have the shape of my arse on obvious display from the fit. I feel over exposed and I don't like my clothes to be reason for being visually undressed by others. When I was with Aaron, he said the only reason he liked the jeans he wore was because it made his arse look good, which I can understand, but made me feel that he was cheapened and devalued, like a prize turkey waiting for the winning kill. I obviously look into things like this, and believe I am one of very few people who understand the intelligence in fashion and that you can make choices in a world that people deem frivolous and can actually front you as someone who has more to them than presenting themselves in a way which only makes you want them to imagine them naked.
One of the reasons I was so attracted to these trousers was because they reminded me of a pair of trousers from an outfit bought for me by a guy I was dating when I was about 18. I was out in the Nightingale, back when the Nightingale was still only just an OK place to go, and I received the worst chat up line ever ("YOU would look GREAT in my CAR"). If someone said that to me now I would be so offended, I'd tell them I walk everywhere...which i do... but anyway, for someone who was only 25 at the time he seemed to have a pretty good job , working in music and having worked with Bjork, I was fascinated by this guy who drove a Lotus Elise and promised to buy me a 'cello after seeing me play. Underneath the smothering of goods was a guy who probably did like me, but guess when you get that much money, you want to keep a guy like me kept with treats, which even back then didn't phase me. I was starting to really get into fashion so I was delighted to be bought an outfit for a holiday to Vienna, from Yves Saint Laurent Rive Gauche - a black shirt and black trousers that were slim waisted, wide legged and very baggy. They totally disguised my legs, and they were amazing. They came with a little leather belt. After I broke up with him I had to give them back, which I did, and I didn't feel bad, I didn't deserve them and at the time had nowhere to wear them but I remember how stylish I felt in them, so I guess I wanted something nostalgic from back then. I'm going to keep my eyes open for that sort of style.
I am tempted to look out for a pair of judo trousers, or Japanese combat trousers or ninja trousers and dye them black if they aren't already. I want my legs to be swamped in material and my waist to be bound in. I think that's incredibly sexy.
I would like to get a pair of really nice black jeans, but these days I am not drawn to denim at all. I would like to experiment with more fitted and slimmer fit trousers, but I still want to build a collection of the baggy, ruched and low crotch Vivienne Westwood trousers by trailing on eBay and I want trousers to hang off my body, leaving it all to the imagination, complete opposite to the skinny, low slung denims you see, with the entirety of your underwear on display.
Slim fit and skinny trousers I have always been put off by because I don't like to have the shape of my arse on obvious display from the fit. I feel over exposed and I don't like my clothes to be reason for being visually undressed by others. When I was with Aaron, he said the only reason he liked the jeans he wore was because it made his arse look good, which I can understand, but made me feel that he was cheapened and devalued, like a prize turkey waiting for the winning kill. I obviously look into things like this, and believe I am one of very few people who understand the intelligence in fashion and that you can make choices in a world that people deem frivolous and can actually front you as someone who has more to them than presenting themselves in a way which only makes you want them to imagine them naked.
Friday, 9 November 2012
let x = x
I often put off writing my blog because I don't know how I want to update - do I go into detail about what has exactly happened over the last few weeks, or do I highlight things that are important, or do I try and explain whats going on in the tangled mess that is my brain or do I harp on predictably about the things I need to do to change my life (cos it's always needing changing these days). To be fair, a lot of urgent changes need to be made and that has been brought to my attention from my health and drug problem. I say problem because I am in a cycle that I am finding hard to break and is effecting me financially; I am spending money that I firstly was saving for something nice for myself, then money I mentally have to a side for food and living, then money that goes on bills and rent, all on drugs. And I make excuses and I think of solutions round it all, and I then come out of the weekend resenting and regretting everything, remembering all the false promises I made, all the embarrassment and all the things I said, and all the money spent, and worse of all, the physical damage I am causing that is building up.
I've been fairly ill this week and last and took a few days off here and there. Everyone else has been ill also, but instead of resting or seeing a doctor, I went to Sheffield, and I needed to go, but I went there and got twatted, and then went back to Birmingham the next day to carry on, ending up in that usual place with a man I'm not sure I am that fond of because my mind is so altered from drugs.
Anyway, that's the main nightmare of my life right now. I desperately want to quit smoking for my health and looks. I don't like smoking cigarettes anymore. And as for drugs, well, it's hard for me even now to want to write I want to give them up. I will always appreciate a drug over a drink. But it's the habit of how I am taking them. I just want it to be occasional and recreational. Not every week, for days on end at a weekend, interfering with my work and my life, my health and my relationships with my friends and family. Drinking isn't a problem for me as I rarely drink alcohol. I often forget this. I am so focused on my drug use that alcohol is actually difficult for me to enjoy.
I went on a date last week with a guy who I was really looking forward to meeting but I think I wasn't his type. Not sure why, shan't speculate, I'm not a mass produced hipster though so it's pretty hard to find someone who is balanced in intelligence, taste and looks. Most people have none. I met a extremely generic Canadian guy however, earlier on, who I am less interested in but who has practically nursed me, and cleaned my flat for me and comes round, fawning over me and my delightfully English ways. I also met a guy on the weekend gone, in Sheffield, who was absolutely gorgeous but only 18 years old, who I willingly let take advantage of me because he was rough around the edges, and was straight, in my opinion, and was just fucking gorgeous even in a teddybear onesie. He was one of those types I call 'Sheffield' types, are a bit rowdy and political, smokes lots of weed, but positively gorgeous. I felt like the older woman, which is a position I am not entirely comfortable with.
I was going to write about why I hate Christmas this year and why I won't be celebrating it or decorating my flat but then I will probably talk about that later on this weekend. No one reads this anymore anyway. I write as if informing people who sit spending their whole time waiting, thirsty for updates of my truly fucked up life, but I can't think of anyone I know who exists in real life that might even occasionally check to see if I still write in great detail every thing that goes on.
I've been fairly ill this week and last and took a few days off here and there. Everyone else has been ill also, but instead of resting or seeing a doctor, I went to Sheffield, and I needed to go, but I went there and got twatted, and then went back to Birmingham the next day to carry on, ending up in that usual place with a man I'm not sure I am that fond of because my mind is so altered from drugs.
Anyway, that's the main nightmare of my life right now. I desperately want to quit smoking for my health and looks. I don't like smoking cigarettes anymore. And as for drugs, well, it's hard for me even now to want to write I want to give them up. I will always appreciate a drug over a drink. But it's the habit of how I am taking them. I just want it to be occasional and recreational. Not every week, for days on end at a weekend, interfering with my work and my life, my health and my relationships with my friends and family. Drinking isn't a problem for me as I rarely drink alcohol. I often forget this. I am so focused on my drug use that alcohol is actually difficult for me to enjoy.
I went on a date last week with a guy who I was really looking forward to meeting but I think I wasn't his type. Not sure why, shan't speculate, I'm not a mass produced hipster though so it's pretty hard to find someone who is balanced in intelligence, taste and looks. Most people have none. I met a extremely generic Canadian guy however, earlier on, who I am less interested in but who has practically nursed me, and cleaned my flat for me and comes round, fawning over me and my delightfully English ways. I also met a guy on the weekend gone, in Sheffield, who was absolutely gorgeous but only 18 years old, who I willingly let take advantage of me because he was rough around the edges, and was straight, in my opinion, and was just fucking gorgeous even in a teddybear onesie. He was one of those types I call 'Sheffield' types, are a bit rowdy and political, smokes lots of weed, but positively gorgeous. I felt like the older woman, which is a position I am not entirely comfortable with.
I was going to write about why I hate Christmas this year and why I won't be celebrating it or decorating my flat but then I will probably talk about that later on this weekend. No one reads this anymore anyway. I write as if informing people who sit spending their whole time waiting, thirsty for updates of my truly fucked up life, but I can't think of anyone I know who exists in real life that might even occasionally check to see if I still write in great detail every thing that goes on.
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
NOTHING REALLY MATTERS
I've got a proper date this Friday with a guy called Reiss. It has nothing to do with sex or celibacy. I think this guy might turn into something good. God I am so bi polar.
Today is my day off and I will be really depressed if I don't get a sufficient amount of chores done. That includes cleaning my disgusting mouldy bathroom, and cleaning the kitchen floor. It also includes going through my belongings and throwing away anything I really don't need or use. I need to find proper storage for the rest and I need to then sort out stuff like bills, letters, and arranging for the council to remove the bed from outside my flat.
I would say I feel pretty happy at the moment. There are moments where I reflectively feel bad but I don't feel depressed like I used to. I love how my current situation would make any normal person spiral into the depths of despair, but I feel getting away and being by myself has saved me. There is nothing more I like than to sit in on my own and feel completely undisturbed.
H&M are colloborating with Maison Martin Margiela. I would like that massive coat that looks like a quilt because I want to wear it round my flat and in bed. I also want some of those massive baggy trousers, a jacket, and that bag that looks like a packet or a wrapper or whatever, if they're doing it. I want something anyway. I better make sure I book that day off work.
Today is my day off and I will be really depressed if I don't get a sufficient amount of chores done. That includes cleaning my disgusting mouldy bathroom, and cleaning the kitchen floor. It also includes going through my belongings and throwing away anything I really don't need or use. I need to find proper storage for the rest and I need to then sort out stuff like bills, letters, and arranging for the council to remove the bed from outside my flat.
I would say I feel pretty happy at the moment. There are moments where I reflectively feel bad but I don't feel depressed like I used to. I love how my current situation would make any normal person spiral into the depths of despair, but I feel getting away and being by myself has saved me. There is nothing more I like than to sit in on my own and feel completely undisturbed.
H&M are colloborating with Maison Martin Margiela. I would like that massive coat that looks like a quilt because I want to wear it round my flat and in bed. I also want some of those massive baggy trousers, a jacket, and that bag that looks like a packet or a wrapper or whatever, if they're doing it. I want something anyway. I better make sure I book that day off work.
Monday, 15 October 2012
post for life
So yesterday, my parents turn up, with new tea towels and tools to put up the frame of my futon. They know I can't put a futon frame or carry on like I am on my own. I need help no matter what I say. And it's true. While my mother cleaned my kitchen, in the way mothers do, making everything look immaculate so easily, I made coffees and we ate chocolate muffins and I had another bacon bagel and more orange juice. I was relieved that my ex from another era had gone, and was relieved also that I didn't let the whole thing get me down. It's made me realise how different I am, and how glad I am to be this different. I am no way as near as destructive as I was when I was younger, and I am not saying I am perfect, but I realised how much more of a decent person I have become, and I feel lucky that I am now rational and not as easily depressed by things. In fact, I shock myself at how positive I can be on something. I can recognise the two decisions I could take with how I felt after the complete fail of a hook-up with someone I used to know, and understood that my actions were that of remnant desperation for intimacy, acceptance and attention, but I automatically took the positive route to learn from it and use it to make myself a better person instead of what I would usually do which would be to wallow and pity myself and feel oh so unlucky in love.
After the bed/sofa futon was assembled and the kitchen was cleaned and I had tidied round, I collected my clothes to be washed and accepted that my parents super luxurious apartment was just going to have to be that warm beacon I must use every now and then to keep my sanity topped up. In the car, on the way back, it was going dark and turning left at the crossroads in the middle of Moseley village towards Kings Heath took me past a Washeteria - a laundrette much nearer and nicer looking than the one I trapzed to last Wednesday and getting there to find out it was closed due to 'Half Day Wednesday'. The one we drove past was brightly lit and still open at 6 pm. It looked massive and bright. It sounds awfully sad, but when we drove past mom said 'oh is that the laundrette' and I said 'No! the one I go to is much further away' and felt so happy that I almost cried because now I knew that my days off wouldn't have an hour and a half struggling to Kings Heath looking like a tramp laden with bags of clothes, that I could go into Moseley and take me half the time and go to that cool coffee place while I wait. Or even just go home, and then go back with more stuff. I felt like things were all falling into place with everything, and that going back to my parents apartment for the night was a nice treat to look forward to.
At the apartment my washing was being put in to be done. There was a lot of it, and embarrassingly, underwear that was so rancid I wouldn't let my mom touch it. Some of it had been worn for days. I haven't had the chance to clean anything and I don't have a lot at the moment. I had a bath and began to read The Perks of Being a Wallflower again because the film has been released but this time I didn't enjoy the first few pages, it reminded me of a time and a place and then of a certain person that I just want to forget. It reminds me of hipsters and people with mild emotional problems who think everything is really unfair. It reminds me of Vans shoes with crap jeans and stupid sweaters from the early 90s. It reminds me of pathetic young people, despite it being a good book.
After my bath we had dinner together, and even the cat joined in and had a bite. The pork chops were so succulent, and the new steak knives so sharp, that cutting into the chops was like slicing butter. Everything was delicious, and the greens were vibrant. I have lacked health and so these days, greens are a treat! I eat pizza's, doughnuts and sugary sweets every day. Sometimes that's all I eat. At work I only drink tea. I feel tea is what helps me get through the day. I'd like to start drinking mineral water instead. Or at least herbal tea with honey. I want my health to become more of a priority alongside work.
I watched some of Downton Abbey after dinner, which seemed dull and unoriginal, like something down the road from Gosford Park. I wasn't paying attention and played on the iPad. My mom then bought me a fridge online which is going to be delivered on Wednesday. Then she gave me 50 pounds for the wooden bamboo style clothes rail I want from the Futon Company. I am not going to argue or say no, this time I am just going to let them help me.
I then read about my starsign forecasts for the year and for the month. Apparently Saturn has just left Libra under my sign, where it has been for the past 3 years. This apparently is BAD. Or was bad. Anyway, things are going to get a lot easier for me from now on and won't expect difficulty like I have done for the last 3 years until 2039. Phew. As for love, well, apparently I could meet someone in October or November, but the chances aren't too high. I'm fine with that. It said that you're most likely going to be find love through involvement at work, and I unless I suddenly turn for Kyle, I can't really see myself with a dumpy, immature 16 year old. Errr definitely no.
Sunday, 14 October 2012
one hand loves the other so much on me
I've decided that for the remainder of the year I am going to be mostly a hermit and hibernate and focus on the following things:
1. Performing well and doing my best at work
2. Making myself look nice again
3. Health
4. Flat
5. Restoring the balance of karma and doing good things
6. Finding out who I really am, discovering my true self and becoming my real self
Today I realised I have a surprisingly positive outlook on life and don't get generally lonely easily. What upsets and bothers me really is the reflection, at my age, of how badly all my relationships have been, on myself. When I dwell on everyone in the past, it makes me very depressed, so I now have to stop thinking about these people, and avoid anything which will remind me of them. Time is a healer, so I need to have faith in it and keep my mind occupied with the things listed above.
During my hermit time, I'm going to root myself here in the flat to really make it feel like my home. I hate not feeling like I belong anywhere. I've made a hermit playlist of cozy, home reminding songs and songs that you put on during a night in. I'm going to practice recipes that are comforting and nourishing, to help improve my skills in the kitchen and my health, which has suffered greatly this year, especially during this move. I am going to gradually make this flat into a home, and have decided that the colour red will be the colour to focus on, as it represents passion, strength, warmth and love. I am going to get myself back to looking healthy and normal and get back into a natural routine of looking after my skin and hair, and my body. I am trashing all stupid ideas of trends and fashions and tattoos, as I've realised that again I am deciding on things to show off to others rather than to please myself. Deep down, I don't care if people think I am cool, it's if they think I look nice which is important, and I want to hopefully attract a man who thinks how I look isn't all there is to me from how I look (if that makes sense). From and through that, I want to explore and realise the good person that I am and who that person really is, and whether the ways I am living my life now are out of date, or are things I am clinging to from the past. Maybe I should let go, and really discover who I am now, and not be ashamed to admit that I am not a party animal or a social butterfly anymore. Maybe not 'fitting in' with the general crowd isn't a bad thing. One thing I've noticed when thinking as myself in this now moment is that I like being on my own.. A LOT.
ultimately I want to do good and I want to be a nice and good person. I've slagged a lot of people off this year, haven't learnt from mistakes and have been a bad person, so I want to balance my karma out. I am looking forward to it all.
update
Sunday 14th October
Last night confirmed most definitely the end of any involvement of men I should have now for at least the rest of the year. Recently I got in touch with an ex boyfriend from about 11 years ago. We chatted online, and I would be lying if I wasn't spurred on by the fact that I did used to find him sexually attractive. We have always kept in touch since we met, despite me ending it with him when I was still only 17 and he was 21 because he had done drugs. The irony of that obviously is that I was the one who went down the drugs route after we broke up. We met up I think twice maybe between when we split up 11 years ago and before this weekend, and it was always for sex because we knew there was still this attraction and we always ended up getting drunk and having a good time. I guess that combined with the fact that I am far more comfortable having casual sex with someone I know well and have already been involved with romantically meant that after talking to him this week, and what seemed like reaching out to something hopeful, and opening up about how I feel with men and relationships right now (an alien, rejection, etc), I had this weird idea of hope that we were going to hit it off again. Or at least, we would meet up, we would have great sex and a bit of drink and it would be easy going, beneficial. I was convinced of this, as we both complimented each other online at how much neither of us have seemed to of changed, though apparently I have a little bit more than he has.
I've changed. Apparently I've changed. Yes I have changed. I am always changing it seems. I'm not actually sure if he has or not, but I don't remember him being so boarish and stupid. I don't remember him being so stupidly annoying, with the same incessant stupid questions, and the lack of understanding in conversations which might actually have some sort of depth. The sex was terrible. He couldn't get it up for the majority and from what I remembered was a good sized nicely formed penis was now a semi flaccid piece which just woudln't...work. We got take away, which I paid for. I wanted to get Domino's, but he insisted on a cheap one, as 'they're all the same', and I ended up getting sent what I tasted like an onion pizza: disgusting. The drinks we bought on the way home to mine ended up tasting cheap and sticky, and he clumsily spilt the rum over himself every now and then, leaving now permanent stains on two places on my new futon. He was generally clumsy, and stupid, and broke a coathanger by standing on it, after knocking off all my jackets hanging off a door frame (i am lacking a wardrobe), but instead of hanging them back, just dumping them half on a chair. I woke up in the morning disgusted with myself, sticky from bad lube and rum, on what looked like some fuck mattress in a squat, my mouth furry, surrounded by a moat of nasty smelling half finished drinks and pizza boxes. He attempted to fuck me again, but failed. I thought he could of got it up at least in the morning, but no, it was worse. I'm beginning to think it's actually me, even though it's not. I can see how people get paranoid. I reckon we tried to have sex 5 times, failing every time, and when that happens, you can't be patient and let it pass with a shrug. It's awkward, embarrassing, and for me, I start to wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? It's like some kind of punishment, for even toying with the idea I might be able to have even just 'OK' sex or develop something meaningful with someone. And for that assumption all I am offered is an impotent, stupid guy who I don't even remember anymore who thinks the Co-op is 'posh'.
In the morning he resumed drinking, and finished off the rest of this bottle of spiced rum, which made him smell unsavoury and weird, like an alcoholly bad breath sort of smell surrounding him. He became really annoying, drunk, repeating himself with misunderstandings, insistant that I 'stop putting myself down' for some reason, spazzing out to shit trance, and pissed all over my toilet seat, and openly belching like some gassy mess drinker. At one point he even started drunkenly hicupping. There was nothing he did or said that could of been redeeming. I eventually just had to tell him to fuck off. I sat there afterwards, contemplating how low I had gone, and realised that this is it now, I have to really seriously hide away now, if I want to learn the lessons sent to me from my relationship experiences between the spring of 2010 and NOW. Hopefully, this weekend is the final lesson. Not sure what the lesson is exactly from this horrid escapade, there is probably more than one lesson, but I will be definitely thinking about it from now on, and not involving myself with anyone from my past present or future, old or new. I have to accept that for some reason, the stars are telling me that you really need to assess what has happened over these last couple of years, as I will benefit greatly from it. I need to listen.
so anyway, I'm growing a beard this week. I am growing everything out, and fixing everything on and around me. One of the reasons behind this new found hermit lifestyle is to do something about the way I look. I look awful. Hair is at that awkward growing out length, skin is dull and dry, i've lost weight and my teeth are stained. I look older. I look tired. None of my clothes are clean because I haven't had a chance to clean them. Everything is foul. So on that basis alone, I am hiding away, sorting it out, and getting my life sorted. It needs sorting out. It always needs sorting out, but I am more automatic these days. I miss certain people. They made me feel good about myself. I miss a certain man, who used to make me feel like that. I can't imagine anyone liking me like he did ever again, not like this, and as I sit here on this mattress in this room, I imagine the smirks on his face if he could see me now, from his place at the top, at me, surrounded by failure and dirty underwear.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Saturday Day Live
So after the beneficial binge and the 4 hour sleep I woke up feeling like a different person except this person had eyes sore like when you forget to take your contact lenses out before going to sleep. I decided a lot of things in bed and today felt determined not to only start living as that person but to get things done. I went to Zen and treated myself to candles and incense. I nearly bought a book in the Oxfam book shop. I remembered all the places I used to go with David. He bought me a book from there, two actually, both Winnie the Pooh. One was the House of Pooh Corner and the other was Now We Are Six. Anyway I bought the candles because they reminded me of ones you may see in American films, sort of long red candles in a long jar, with weird cryptic pictures on the side about success and finding your true love. A bit voodoo and witchy. I asked the very VERY sexy guy if they were Mexican, but as I looked at them I saw that they are products of 'Los Angeles, USA' to which I then said 'nearly'. I thought, I wonder if he knew I just meant it was sort of near Mexico, and I wasn't being racist. I've never been to Mexico obviously, but I imagine there is a lot of racial discrimination towards them in the southern parts of America. When I think of Mexico I think of limes, hats, sugar skulls, calacas show jelly and Salma Hayek.
I told the sexy guy I was going to Kings Heath for some reason which was a lie because I wasn't going there at all. I went back to my flat, dropped off the candles and went straight back out, and towards town. The walk to town was refreshing. My mind felt eerily clear and I wasn't bogged down with the depressing feeling of doom when I start thinking realistically. I felt free that I was thinking for myself, and when I started doing that, a lot of things I had decided on recently suddenly became void as my true self started to emerge from this mess and confusion. When I got to town I was confused, it was too busy, and Birmingham disgusts me slightly (i've become used to her). I went to H&M to look for Hayley, which was a bad idea as it was so busy. I did end up buying underwear as I am running low on pants, vests and socks. I bought blue vests this time, I thought they looked more French. I spent so long developing my new look for autumn winter, addled with drugs and pop culture that I realised that although I laugh at all these mini hipsters and all these fucking posers, I am on the same bandwagon as them. If anything, I am sort of in the front seat. I realised that I was choosing a style to show off to and fit in with people I don't like. I'm still looking for acceptance in this world, just now it's by habit. The wounds of adolescence never heal, but you get used to be being by yourself and liking it. So now on, I will wear clothes I simply think are 'nice'.
I then went on a mission for the rest of my stuff which was a kettle, some bathroom cleaner and the rest and went back through town the way I came. Some weird fashion show was playing in the bullring and the music was the harrowing soundtrack to the film Requiem for a Dream which just now reminds me of a horrible video made on youtube showing footage of the tsunami in Thailand, where they used the same song. Felt quite depressed after that, and so I called my mother on the way home, as I felt like I had been ignoring everyone (another symptom of the drugs). After I spoke to her, I felt that lately, or even this year, I must of come across as so weird to everyone. Walking home in the sunshine was reflective. I could see where people were coming from when they said they were worried about me, and I could see how I was behaving worryingly. I stopped off at Aldi which was the nicest part of the day, as its a supermarket that makes me feel like i'm visiting France or Germany, where I conveniently shopped alongside a sexy man who I thought was probably foreign because he would leave his trolley in a completely different aisle to get things where as I'd imagine an English person, protective, and paranoid to take the trolley with them everywhere. I walked the rest home, thinking about Aaron and thinking about how my new attitude to life helps with these situations. Why I'd want to change, get more tattoos, be a different person, to please and impress a man, who deep down, I don't like and who would probably consistently cheat on me. No conscience.
I got home and decided to air my washing outside like a washer woman where I finally started conversation with the mysterious slightly sexy neighbour who lives next to me, in the same building. I thought I heard something strange from the door below so he must of seen me from his window (which faces my patio) looking around bewildered. He waved at me so I waved back and dropped all my washing. He was motioning to me. He asked me if the music was too loud, then I realised the weird noise was his music, so I replied 'no it's fine, I thought it was a washing machine'. I felt a bit stupid after that, but he laughed. I noticed he was Australian. Not really mad on Australians, but what I am to say about anything. I'm sure he's the guy who drives the motorbike. I proceeded with my chores, doing things in a way that you do when you think you're being watched. Went out for my dinner, came back and watched Simpsons, with dinner on table, complete with candle and TV ahead. Felt like a certain scene from Amelie, which I will watch this morning. I went to bed quite early, considering I had 4 hours sleep and had walked miles in the day.
Saturday, 29 September 2012
i don't want to live that way
Last night I nearly went back to That Place which I have decided now is the root of a fast developing full fledged drug addiction. I have been on it THREE times this week, and during a week that a) I shouldn't be spending my money on things that I simply don't need and b) a week which main aim is to sort out my new living space and tie up all the loose ends. I'm also at a part of my life that I recognise as a transition in terms of relationships, so I need to keep my mind healthy and free from those thoughts that can really destroy you. I think I conquered something last night. I made it through without feeling that my friends had purposely ignored me or not (it's irrelevent now if they had), but it gave me a chance to assess my situation now, when I went to bed in cocaine fuelled daze. And despite that, my mind was quite clear with my position. I am fairly worried but this morning I feel a lot more optimistic. And a lot more honest. Honest that yes, I may have a problem, but a problem that I can sort out myself if I do it now. And that my friends in question, are nice people, and I like them, but they aren't really my friends. There's no connection anymore. They are just people that I can get drugs off and I don't want them anymore. The sad thing is, they are all friends, and work, and do things together other than get high and go out. I am the one who now just comes round for the drugs, gets fucked up and does things I regret as a result of the influence. And it's obvious now, in so many ways, especially now that That Place has changed dynamically. The people who live there are different, and the real main reason why I used to go there is now gone, and with him not living there anymore, it's time to not go there again.
I keep trying to soften the blow by saying that I'm going back to my 'organic' roots and will smoke weed to help come down off the binge ive been on since January. But I'm fooling myself. I think as tasty as it isn't, going cold turkey from today is the main priority. And who knows? I might smoke weed one day, and will probably do drugs again, but for the rest of this terrible year, I really deep down believe that the only mind altering thing I should be indulging in not too often is a couple of glasses of red and some nice chocolate. And I'm lucky, I moved out and have my own place. I should be finding the pleasure in making this place my own and appreciating my freedom, not fucking my life and mind up with drugs that make me paranoid and poor. I should be making myself look stunning, as I have the potential to not just scrub up well, but to look great all the time and to wear nice clothes. And to eat well, and spend my time productively, they're all things wasted when I get wasted. I don't even enjoy getting wasted anymore. it's just a symbol of my depression, an escape route. when i'm high i go on gaydar and chat to men for validation, go on tumblr to repost photos of myself and people i think look sexy, of a glossy popular fashionable lifestyle that at the moment I peer into, i'm furthest away from. A fantasy world, too lazy and depressed to make a reality, yet such a simple way to get there.
I know in my last post i said this and that and that I wouldn't mention this again, but last night I realised in bed, when not being able to get more drugs was the worst thing, I felt like I overcame something. So today I'm going to get on with finalising this weeks jobs done, go to zen and treat myself to some candles and incense with the money I would of no doubt wasted on drugs, and clean my flat ready for my new stuff tomorrow.
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